Monday, February 28, 2011

Oscars, Schmoscars

Welcome to The Pop Eye's 6th Annual Schmoscar Awards! 'Twas a rather boring telecast this year, but the show must go on. (Enlarge any of the photos for a closer look.)

Hottest Chick of the Night: As many of you already know, I have a very specific lady type: dark hair, full lips. (Even though my top two lesbian crushes, CZJ and Zooey Deschanel, both have thin lips. Odd.) Also, my favorite color is purple. Therefore, this award could go to no one but the very lovely (and newly single) Mila Kunis. She may end up in the Top 5 of my lesbian list after last night, bumping the also brunette, big-lipped Eliza Dushku. (Last year's winner: Demi Moore.)

Hottest Chick Runner-Up: My least favorite color is orange, but that won't stop me from giving this Schmoscar to Jennifer Hudson. Her boobs looked a little weird, but the rest of her was stunning. I always thought J-Hud looked good with some meat on her bones, but the slimmed down version is pretty swell as well. (Last year's winner: Penelope Cruz.)

Hottest Guy of the Night: I've gotta give it up to Hugh Jackman. Especially since it was such a boring night, reminding me once again that Hugh is still the BEST. HOST. EVER. What do we have to do to get him back?? (Last year's winner: Robert Downey, Jr.)

Hottest Guy Runner-Up: I had no idea who Armie Hammer was (no, I still haven't seen The Social Network) until I saw him wandering around the red carpet, and then I looked him up. I don't normally like blondes, but this guy is pretty hot. And there was a serious lack of man candy last night. Also, Armie Hammer is one of the greatest names ever. I guess his parents were really big fans of baking soda. (Last year's winner: Zac Efron.)

Best Moment of the Night: Well, there weren't many. Kirk Douglas was sweet and I enjoyed the James Franco-in-drag/Charlie Sheen joke. In an amazing turn of events, I was thisclose to giving this award to the death reel. Crazy, right? Well, it's only because I have been bitching for years about the rude "applause-o-meter" that usually goes on during this segment and was delighted to find that TPTB finally must have told this year's audience to hold their applause until after it was over. So, that was fantastic. However, because it snubbed Corey Haim, the death reel loses out to the closing song by the adorable PS22 Chorus. Suck on that, death reel. (Last year's winner: the John Hughes tribute.)

Worst Moment of the Night: This is kind of a tough one because, as I've already said several times, it was a pretty weak night all around. But since the opening segment is traditionally supposed to be a funny and entertaining appetizer that gets you excited for the main course, I've gotta give it to this one—an uninspired and poorly written Inception-themed movie mashup—because it was a horrible, horrible failure. Had it not been for the appearance of Morgan Freeman and James Franco in a white leotard, I wouldn't have even cracked a half-smile. (Last year's winner: the death reel.)

Worst Dressed: Obviously it's Helena Bonham Carter. And really, she's such an easy mark that I almost don't even want to waste the award on her, but I can't deny that she deserves it. (Last year's winner: Zoe Saldana.)

Best Hair: Luke Matheny. I can't believe he said he should've gotten a haircut! His 'do recalled Will Ferrell's triumphant white man 'fro from the 2007 Oscars. Also, his acceptance speech (for best live action short film) was adorably sweet, and one of the best of the night. (Last year's winner: Nobody. Last winner: Patrick Dempsey, 2008.)

Worst Hair: The stuff that's slowly eating Christian Bale's face. Seriously, can we get rid of this mountain man trend once and for all? It's all that dumbass Brad Pitt's fault. (New category.)

Best Impression of a Dinner Napkin: Well, after a year's break, this category has returned to the Schmoscars, thanks to Nicole Kidman. (Last year's winner: Nobody. Last winner: Jessica Biel, 2009.)

Best Impression of a Dinner Napkin Smeared with a Hot Dog Topping: I thought Cate Blanchett's bizarro dress deserved a special new category, but this is actually a cross between two existing categories: Best Impression of a Dinner Napkin and Best Impression of a Hot Dog Topping. Whatever the hell it is, Cate needs to throw it in the trash immediately. And then burn the trash. (Newish category; however, Jessica Biel and Kelly Preston last won similar awards in 2009 and 2008, respectively.)

Best Impression of Cruella DeVille: Sharon Stone. YEE-ikes. How did she even get invited to the Oscars? (New category.)

Best Reason for Better Security: Sharon Stone. You know, I'm not completely convinced that she was invited. (Last year's winner: Nobody. Last winner: Gary Busey, 2008.)

Best Impression of a Wax Statue: OK, ignore for a minute that Russell Brand's suit is totally ridonk. I just want to know exactly how much makeup he's wearing. You know Katy Perry is at home, looking for some foundation to cover up some blemish that Proactiv didn't cure yet and cussing him out when she discovers, like, four empty bottles. (New category.)

Finally, I'm kind of sad that I haven't found anyone to give The Lisa Rinna Award (formerly known as The "Why Does This Woman Get Invited To The Oscars When She Has No Reason For Being There Other Than To Wear a Slinky Dress and Show Off Her Perfect Body?" Award) to. However, if I do a little modification and make it The Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin Award (aka The "Why Are They There?" Award), I can give it to Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves. Hey, I like Matthew well enough, but not really for his acting. Anyway, he looked a little like he was auditioning for Jersey Shore last night. When will people learn to not fall asleep in the tanning bed?


katrocket said...

I love your Oscar recaps - more entertaining than the show itself. But c'mon, you didn't laugh at the Brown Duck dance?

Cora said...

Mila Kunis is definitely on my top 5 lesbian list.

I think my hubby just fainted.

Scott - Quirky Travel Guy said...

I knew I could count on you to give me the only important info I need! As usual, I completely forgot about the Oscars and watched some lame movie on Netflix instead. Oh well.

Billy said...

Wonderful recap of a forgettable event. I wasn't bitter I watched, but I get more enjoyment out of a single episode of JUSTIFIED or ARCHER in a fraction of the time.

Coaster Punchman said...

Shouldn't the Lisa Rinna award have to do with former harelips?

Ha ha on Cate Blanchet's dress. I was puzzled by it as well. PG loved it.

Cutest guy of the night = Jesse Eisenberg. I'm glad he didn't win but he's adorable. And is a sweet kid from what I can tell from interviews.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I loved Mila's dress too - she looked amazing. But honestly? That girl could wear a greasy mail sack and she'd look stunning. What a bitch. :) My fave dress was Amy Adams navy sparkly number purely because it was simple, sparkly in a retro '60s way and suited her colouring PERFECTLY. I was mesmerized by it. Beautiful. I didn't see any truly horrendous ones at all. I also said the same things about Jennifer Hudson - she looks smoking, looked hot even when she was bigger and last night I also wondered what was up with her boobs region?

I chortled at Melissa Leo saying the "F" word and ABC not catching it - at least our affiliate didn't. So much for delay.

I am not down with the director category being at the start now. I'm used to it being near the end. And I don't get why The Social Network won so much - it was interesting enough and the acting was good, but it wasn't spectacular in my opinion. I guess this is why I don't give out the awards, huh.

Also, still too many people reading names. SNORE. Seriously, would it hurt to just say "thanks to every single person who made this movie possible" and leave it at that?

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

My favorite was when the Melissa Leo said the F word

Mnmom said...

I usually do a similar post, but yours is SO MUCH better! I was totally bored with last night.

And I didn't get Cate B's dress either. Romantic flowery lilac thing or TRON shoulder caps?

I wanted to yell "Stand still Sharon Stone!!! I'll kill that thing on your shoulder with my shoe!"

words...words...words... said...

Wow, I'm pretty sure we didn't even watch the same show. Your worst moment (the opening montage) is my best moment. I thought the kid choir had possibly gotten into James Franco's stash, or at the very least some bad clams. I don't know if any two of them were singing the same song or doing the same dance.

My hottest females were in order, Scarlett Johansson, Anne Hathaway and Reese Witherspoon. I loved that Scarlett had that messed up hair, it totally worked. I've never been a fan of the face-stretching bun. On the other end of the spectrum was Amy Adams, who is easily in my Top 5 hottest actresses. That blue monstrosity did not suit her at all.

My biggest complaint is that somehow it seems to have been decided that Lena Horne was more dead than the other dead people. I'd have thought we were past that sort of thing.

Kristen said...

I actually agree with everything you said! I had too many arguments with people at work about the above topics. I could care less about the F-bomb -I mean COME ON - she said the F bomb in front of mostly drug addicts and swingers dressed up by someone else for the night. I doubt they REALLY took offense! ;)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I should have just gone to bed early like I originally wanted to and then read your recap the next day. What was I thinking? You are a gajillion times more entertaining than the Oscars was or ever will be.

I thought a stoned James Franco would be a lot more fun. Maybe he should have worn the Pineapple Express wig.

I DID like Colin Firth. Because I am a woman, after all.

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Awesome recap. Waaay more fun than the boring disappointing broadcast!

I agree with Mila looking hot and awesome, I didn't love Jennifer Hudson's dress, I thought she looked gaunt and the colour looked too severe on her.

I thought Helena Bonham Carter was not as bad as expected fashion wise. Hated Nicole Kidman's hair and dress. Hire a stylist!

Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law were awesome, they should host.

Your recap was more fun than the damn show!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I never thought I would see the day when I found myself saying, "I would nail Jennifer Hudson," but here I am saying it.

I'd make orange juice, that's all I'm saying. Freshly squeezed.

J.J. in L.A. said...

I forgot it was on but tuned in just in time to watch Sandra Bullock (I liked her homey introductions) and Colin Firth's acceptance speech. I <3 him.

And Jennifer Hudson's b(.)(.)bs look weird because she lost 80 lbs. Some of it HAD to come from the there.

bloody awful poetry said...

I didn't even watch the Oscars this year, but I am so glad you find Armie Hammer attractive as well. He was my favourite thing about The Social Network and I found him ridiculously hot in that movie. Everyone else kept telling me how ugly he was, and I was starting to seriously consider getting my eyes checked, until I read this. Thank you for the vindication of my taste in men, mom. Clearly, you and I, we are meant to be.

Alice said...

honestly, if hugh jackman isn't nominated for multiple awards, it's only fair to have him host so we can still see a lot of him.

Hippo Brigade said...

Thanks for the recap. I didn't watch the oscars because blah, blah, it's kinda dumb. And now I dont feel like I've really missed much, although I do love Anne Hathaway and James Franco. Theyre kinda awesome.


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