It's American Idol Finale time! We almost have our lives back! YAY!
The camera pans over the audience and—oh, there's Adam Lambert looking like some kind of skunk warlock. Oooh! And there's Michael Johns. Hmm...still married, I see. You suck, Michael Johns.
But there's something that sucks more: the Top 13 group sing! I remember when the top girls did "Born This Way" earlier in the season and they didn't sound too shabby. Apparently, adding the boys in makes it a hot mess. Still, James Durbin, Casey Abrams and Paul McDonald are the true stars here. Focusing on their amazing dancing is helping me tune out the noise.
Hey, it's another Michael! Michael from LOST! (Sorry dude, I don't remember your real name.) I hope that when Ryan Seacrest says, "And the winner... of American Idol...is...," that guy yells out "WALT!"
Since James Durbin has been begging America to give metal a chance all season, Judas Priest decides to give Idol a chance. (I'm sure it has nothing to do with needing money or promoting their tour.) Rob Halford gives The Durbinator his gayest outfit and they rock out on a duet of "Living After Midnight/Breaking the Law." I've gotta say this is pretty damn entertaining. In fact, this one performance is more entertaining than all of last night's show.
The first judge montage is for Randy Jackson, which consists mostly of him saying, "What kind of show is this?" and "IN IT TO WIN IT." Yeah, that's pretty much him in a nutshell, although that montage could have used more name dropping (Mariah Carey, Boyz II Men, Steve Perry, etc.) and a handful of "I feel like I'm at a [insert name here] concert."
Jacob Lusk performs "I Smile" with Gladys Knight and gospel musician Kirk Franklin. Yeah, yeah, we know, Jacob. You were voted off because America just wasn't ready to smile.
Queen got off kind of easy this year, so Idol lets Casey Abrams and his duet partner, Jack Black, have a go at "Fat Bottomed Girls." They're dressed like Charlie and Raymond Babbitt, scat like lunatics and scream a lot at the end. Somehow, I'm completely charmed by all of this. Casey is just a doll.
The Top 7 ladies (minus Lauren) take the stage for a Beyoncé medley of "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" /"Irreplaceable" /"Get Me Bodied" /"If I Were A Boy" /"Deja Vu." Holy crap, that's a lot of songs to give a bunch of girls who clearly spent more time picking out their skankariffic outfits than rehearsing. Good God, this is terrible. There are a few bright spots—namely (and unexpectedly), Thia Megia and Karen Rodriguez on "Irreplaceable." But most of it is almost as bad as B's "Run the World (Girls)." Luckily, she doesn't sing that when she finally shows up. Instead, she launches into "Crazy in Love," tasking the rest of the unrehearsed girls with the "oh-ohs" and sticking them in the background, where most of them belong.
Now it's time for Steven Tyler's clip fest, which features him saying a bunch of nonsensical shit and getting censored. What, no "that's beautiful" compilation??
Harold Perrineau! That's Michael from LOST. I had to look it up; it was driving me nuts.
Haley Reinhart gets to show off her wonderful jazzy side with duet partner Tony Bennett on "Steppin' Out With My Baby." (Did he forget the lyrics? See, it even happens to legends.) They sound great together and even cut a rug, with Tony in particular showing off some smooth moves. It still amazes me that I hated Haley when this all started. I really want her to succeed.
Wow, so Jennifer Lopez's video package is all about how beautiful and desirable she is. I'm sure it's in her contract that they're not allowed to make fun of her.
Lil Jon in tha hizzy!! When he introduces TLC, my heart drops as I realize I didn't study for finals!!! Oh wait...it's 2011. I already graduated college! Whew...T-Boz and Chilli scared me for a sec.
Scotty McCreery duets with Tim McGraw on "Live Like You Were Dying." Come on. This is a nice song and these two sound just fine together, but it's not what the people want. GIVE US BABYLOCKTHEMDOORS!!
Ooh, a montage of auditioners injuring and humiliating themselves, presented by that one wannabe DJ guy. No one cares about this except Seacrest.
Also in J.Lo's contract: a gig for her husband! Mark Anthony is joined by Sheila E. for some Spanish song that neither I nor Ron Burgundy can understand. Suddenly, wifey appears and proceeds to shimmy her ass cheeks and flail around Mark, trying to make him look like a desirable male. I'm surprised I'm not asleep yet.
Now we're treated to a film of James and Casey fake-fighting over whose elimination was more shocking. The punchline? Pia Toscano shows up wearing a tiara and a "Most Shocking" sash. Evidently, she threw away the "America Doesn't Like You, Get Over It" sash I made for her.
Stefano Langone makes an enemy of me for life when he launches into one of my favorite songs, Prince's "Kiss." NOOOOOOOOOOO. I just cover my ears and go "lalalala" until McSparkleteeth comes in with some "She's A Lady." Oh, I see. This is going to be a Tom Jones medley. (Well then why did Stefano have to try and fail for the Prince falsetto?) Durbin purrs "What's New Pussycat," Scotty longs for the "Green, Green Grass of Home," Jacob goes solo on "Love Me Tonight," and Casey confronts "Delilah." Then Tom joins the boys for "It's Not Unusual" and, old man or not, blows them all off the stage. Still, their dancing is a sight to behold. James and Casey, especially. But Jacob's little Elvis move puts it right over the top. Tom Jones on every Finale from now on, please.
The final Ford commercial features Scotty and Lauren remembering all the past Ford commercials. Why would anyone want to do that??
Seacrest then announces that Ford is doing some charity thing for teachers, revealing that Scotty and Lauren each got to invite their favorite teacher to the Finale. And to top that, each teacher got her own Ford Focus. (Meanwhile, Lee DeWyze is sitting at home wondering why he couldn't even get a SRO seat.) Scotty and Lauren each get to pick any Ford car they want. If they don't go for the Mustangs, they're dumber than they look. (ETA: Thanks to an unblinking anonymous eye, I've learned that Lee was, in fact, there. This has absolutely no effect on anything.)
Oh, thank God. It's Lady Gaga! She'll save us from all this misery and product placement! And, YES! She's singing the best single the '80s never produced, "The Edge of Glory." She's performing on the edge of a very high, man-made cliff in the middle of the stage...so, not much dancing but there is a keyboard built into that mountain. Is that Clarence Clemons doing the sax solo? If it's him, he's all covered up so I have no idea. And is there something wrong with the sound? (Damn sound people. Where were they when the Top 7 girls were assaulting my ears??) Ah, but here comes my darling Mark Kanemura scaling the cliff! Shirtless! He and Gaga fake freak and then dive off Pride Rock into the abyss. Annnnnd scene.
Lauren Alaina sings "Before He Cheats" with Carrie Underwood. And that, my friends, is the least surprising thing I have ever said.
Now a montage of the other Idolettes making fun of Scotty and Lauren for being young.
End. END. END THIS!!
Beyoncé returns with her new single "1+1," which isn't terrible but the high notes at the end of every verse crack me up. With all the red smoke, the Idiot Pit looks like it's being sucked into the bowels of Hell. Right where it belongs.
Bono and The Edge perform a song from Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, as an actor in a Spidey suit flies around above the crowd. I immediately think, "Here's where someone in the audience dies." But there are no mishaps. And who is the guy singing with the U2ers? Did Seacrest even introduce him? He's like a cuter, less stoned-looking version of James Franco. I have to look this boy up. (google google google) Aha, it's the star of the Broadway show, Reeve Carney. Stupid name, but he is cuuuu-uuute. J.Lo denies Spidey the upside-down kiss, but I bet had that cute Carney guy (now there are three words that rarely go together) been in the suit, she would've gone for it.
Commercial break: Zooey Deschanel's new show, The New Girl, looks a little bit stupid. However, lesbian crush trumps all, so I predict that I will be watching this.
Before the results are revealed, Steven takes to the stage to sing an edited down version of "Dream On." Danny Gokey is not on hand to deliver the final scream, thank God.
Let's get Edward Boddington up in this piece!! Finally, the British Royal Envelope Guard hands over the results to Ryan. And your American Idol is...Scotty McCreery!
Well, well. Did all of last night's Lauren-pimping make Scotty's fans mad enough to vote like crazy? Is that what the judges wanted? Did Lauren already know the results? Because seriously, this girl cries at the drop of a hat and suddenly she's out of tears? Does any of this matter?
Scotty's reprise of one of the worst Idol singles in history*, "I Love You This Big," is hilarious because he isn't even singing. He just cries, laughs, hugs everyone, has entire conversations with people into the microphone...it's wonderful. There's your Idol, America. Dubya Magoo. Yee-haw.
*Ranking the Idol Singles:
1. "The Time of My Life" (David Cook)
2. "A Moment Like This" (Kelly Clarkson)
3. "Do I Make You Proud" (Taylor Hicks)
4. "I Believe" (Fantasia)
5. "Inside Your Heaven" (Carrie Underwood)
6. "This Is My Now" (Jordin Sparks)
7. "I Love You This Big" (Scotty McCreery)
8. "Flying Without Wings" (Ruben Studdard)
9. "Beautiful Day" - an effing cover (Lee DeWyze)
10. "No Boundaries" (Kris Allen)
Wow, ranking levels of suckitude is really hard. Only numbers 1 and 2 would rank on the positive end of the tolerability index. Number 3 might be right in the middle and then from number 4 down, it's all in the negative digits.
Of course, the BEST Idol single is the one that has yet to be recorded—the song I wrote back in '08. How has my brilliance gone undiscovered for so long??
Anyhoo...thanks for following my recaps this year, folks. I was so worried that with Simon leaving and all the changes at the judges table (and they have proved to be a Triumvirate of Pointlessness), this season would suck. But it actually turned out to be a lot of fun. It definitely took the bad taste from last year's mess out of my mouth. I mean, the contestants weren't perfect, and some were just downright awful, but most of them were entertaining. Special shout-outs to Naima Adedapo for her BOOM FIRE, Paul for his dazzling smile and rubbery legs, James for his general weirdness, Casey for his I-don't-give-a-shitness, and, of course, Haley for the 'tude and her amazing ability to turn my haterade into blu-ooh-ooh-ooh Kool Aid.
Merry Christmas Happy Memorial Day weekend!
Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot