American Idol 11: The Final Four

Tsk tsk tsk...I know, I know. I'm getting really bad at getting these recaps up within a reasonable time. But American Idol is getting really bad. So there.

Last night, the two themes were "Songs by California Artists" and "Songs They Wish They'd Written." The choices were pretty boring overall.

Although I like CCR and "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?," I've pretty much reached my limit with Dave Matthews-Bland™, so I totally fell asleep two seconds into his performance. Yeah, I pretty much slept through the whole show and went back and watched it on the DVR, but I still fast forwarded through this one. I stopped just long enough to hear the judges praising Phillip(s) as usual.

Hollie Cavanagh sang Journey's "Faithfully," because, as she claimed, she's sort of living the song right now. Right. Because she is clearly the frontman of a successful touring band who is lamenting always being away from his wife and kids. Whatever, she did a pretty good job with it. Randy loved it and was like, "Heyyyy, did I ever tell you I was in Journey??" Jennifer squeezed out some tears, while Steven said something about enjoying watching Hollie's creativity flower bloom. Everything he says sounds either insane or disgusting. Or both.

The gospel choir is still surgically attached to Joshua Ledet, and they propped him up yet again while he sang "You Raise Me Up." Amazingly, no standing ovation came with this performance, but the judges' tongue bath was still standard.

Jessica Sanchez sang Etta James' "Steal Away," a song I've never heard...and I LOVE Etta. I assumed this was probably a track covered by Beyonce for Cadillac Records, but after a quick consultation with the Googles, I found that wasn't the case. So, who the hell knows who picked this song for her or why. She sounded OK, but it seemed a little too "old" for her. But when the judges start tongue bathing contestants, it's a little hard for them to stop, so Jessica got whatever was left over from Joshua's "critique."

Because someone at AI has a good sense of humor, Phillip(s) and Joshua were paired up to duet again. This time, it was Maroon 5's "This Love," which ended up not being nearly as offensive as their take on "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling." Still, Steven's assertion that it was the "best song, best vocal, best duet ever" was nothing more than the ravings of a lunatic.

Hollie and Jessica started out their duet of The Bangles' "Eternal Flame" on giant ribbon swings, which someone should have gagged them with. Seriously, these two girls both have very good voices, yet somehow this duet sucked something fierce. Randy finally presented a voice of reason from behind that table of lies and nonsense and told the girls that it was just "weird."

To waste some more time, we all got to see a video package of Adam Shankman stopping by the Idol mansion to show the kids the long trailer for Rock of Ages. As much as Tom Cruise annoys me, I have to admit that this movie looks like fun. And Tom is definitely less annoying than googly-eyed Idol alum Constantine Maroulis, who is the main reason I never went to see the Broadway play.

To tie in with the movie, the Final 4 sang an '80s power ballad: Foreigner's "Waiting For a Girl/Guy Like You." Ehhhhhhh.

Dave Matthews-Bland kicked off Round 2 with a non-DMB song, which I suppose is impressive in and of itself. He performed Damien Rice's "Volcano" complete with very dark mood lighting and a sultry backup singer. He actually didn't sound bad this time around. I mean, I didn't immediately want to smash his guitar over his head. It still sounded a little DMB-ish, though. The judges' tongues weren't tired yet, so they lovingly lapped Phillip(s) up, down and sideways. J.Lo even went so far as to claim "very few people could've pulled that off." What's that, Jen? Singing a simple, acoustic song? Oh God, I know. No one can do that.

Hollie's second song choice was Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me," which Jimmy sort of tried to talk her out of doing since it required more emotion than she could have possibly conjured up...but he didn't try too hard. Because everyone wants her gone. And they'll probably get their wish, because the performance was pretty boring. The judges said as much, and Jennifer suggested that maybe Hollie should have sung the song to the voters, apparently because they don't love her and she can't make them. Ouch.

Taking on the 4th song that was already done this season on The Voice was Joshua, trying his best to copy James Brown on "It's a Man's, Man's, Man's World." Yeah, I preferred the Juliet Simms version, which didn't make my ears bleed and my dog go insane. All of Joshua's screamy, runny melisma was clearly giving Randy palpitations, so it's amazing that he was able to get up for the standing O. The ovation and the critiques were even more over-the-top than usual, perhaps to make up for lack of the standing O on Joshua's previous song. Even though Steven's been walking the earth for 90-some years, he claimed that he'd NEVER HEARD ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN HIS LIFE. Jennifer was so blown away that she began speaking in tongues. And Randy bellowed, "That was one of the BEST performances on any show. ANY show. ANY SHOW!!! I'M TALKING ABOUT THE VOICE, EVERYONE, IN CASE YOU COULDN'T FIGURE IT OUT!! WOOPS, DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD? HEY, DID I EVER TELL YOU I USED TO BE IN JOURNEY??"

Jessica closed things out with the diva anthem, "And I'm Telling You," which she announced was her message to America that she is not leaving this competition. Because people like when contestants they already are sick of pull that kind of shit. I honestly didn't think it was that great. I was so distracted by the fact that her feet were FROZEN in one spot. Her one arm sort of flapped around every now and then, but the girl made Hollie look like the most dynamic performer of our time. And knowing that Jessica has been singing this song since she was 7 just makes it that much worse. There was no emotion there. It was all mechanical. But she fooled the judges. Jen thought it was so good that there was nothing she could even say about it, but still wasted several minutes fumbling for words. Randy finally brought back "IN IT TO WIN IT," but only for Jessica, Joshua and Phillip(s).

While it would be hilarious (and musically ironic) to see Jessica get booted tonight, I can't see any other outcome but a Hollie ouster. I can see Jessica in the Bottom 2 with Hollie (because they're girls), but I am telling you, Jessica's not going.


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