American Idol 7: The Lady Bunch

There's still water in the bong, so '70s week on American Idol is gonna keep on truckin'. Not only are these 10 funky mamas gonna get down tonight, but they're gonna give you the skinny on what makes them groove. Can you dig it? I knew that you could.




Knowing full well that everyone is already throwing around the Ann Wilson comparisons, Carly Smithson belts "Crazy on You." A lot of people don't like Carly because they say she's a "ringer." I wouldn't exactly call someone who's working in a tattoo parlor and a bar, years after her old record deal fell apart, a shoo-in to win this. But she definitely deserves to be here. The girl can sing. I dig the performance, but something is missing that I can't quite put my finger on. The Dawg and Barfly both like Carly but aren't exactly heart-ing her. Simon's lying so low in the weeds, I bet he's gonna ambush Carly. He's got her down, down, down, down on her knees but - wouldn't you know it! He's no barracuda! Simon proclaims Carly the best female singer in the competition, but just suggests that she still hasn't picked the perfect song.

Oh! I know what was missing from that performance. Some of those patented Nancy Wilson figure-four kicks.

Hey, they just showed Dreamboat Mikey sitting there with the other Top 10 guys. Mmmmm hmmm. How do I get that magic man alone?

I must be very distracted with these dreams of Michael Johns now, because Syesha Mercado is talking and I have no idea what's she's saying. I think she's mumbling about being a singer-slash-actress. How exciting. Just when I finally decide to start paying attention to her, she bores me to death with her cover of "Me and Mrs. Jones" - "Me and MR. Jones." See what she did there? Isn't that clever? Yeah, no one else thought so either. This is universally boring.

Her hair doesn't look like an Easter egg, but don't let that fool you. Brooke White is, in fact, a beauty school dropout. Turning in her teasing comb for a guitar, she takes the stage to sing "You're So Vain," while not-so-subtly glancing at Simon. I think she does a really good job, and she's definitely filling the role of folky/bohemian chick well. Randy thinks it's a good song choice, but that Brooke's performance isn't that original. Paula agrees and says, "What you brought to the song was familiarity." If you think about that statement for too long, your head will explode, so just keep reading. Simon absolutely loves Brooke's performance, and he does think the song is about him. This week on Idol Chat: An angry Warren Beatty sets the record straight. And then he has a three-way with Kimberly Caldwell and Rosanna Tavarez.

My heart is not filled with love and desire for a Ramiele Malubay performance, especially after she reveals that she can hula (Sanjaya flashbacks, anyone??), but she forces "Don't Leave Me This Way" on me anyway. It's fairly forgettable. Randy thinks it's just aight and Paula just nods and points at Randy. Simon figures if Paula doesn't have to work, neither does he, so he also nods and points at Randy. This girl may be hula-ing back home after tonight.

Kristy Lee Cook reminds me of Kristy Swanson. Bland. Blonde. Blah. She covers Linda Ronstadt's "You're No Good" satisfactorily. I was really hoping that she would truly be "no good," because I would be having much more fun right now. As it is, I'm just counting down the minutes until I can go to bed. Randy is happy with Kristy's "improvement" but he's not blown out of his box. Paula uses her favorite phrase, "in the pocket," again and then echoes Randy's critique. Simon wonders if Kristy is a country or pop artist. I wonder where she got that horrific top that she's wearing. Remember when I wore silver lamé as a joke? Well, she's wearing it for real.

Amanda Overmyer tells us that she's really a bookworm. I'm assuming that 101 Dalmatians is one of her favorite books, as she's sporting Cruella DeVille hair tonight. Targeting the rib festival lovin' demographic, Amanda covers "Carry on Wayward Son." Ok...I kind of liked her during the auditions, but she's ridiculous. When she sings in that cheesy fake-blues growl, it reminds me of the time that Mary Catherine Gallagher sang with Aerosmith, except that it's much less entertaining. Randy sticks with his generic comment for the night, "It's not the right song for you." As if that's the only problem. Paula is obviously afraid of Amanda, so she just tells her that she dances well. Yeah, that's it. Add that to whatever Randy said. I'm holding out for a hero, and Simon gets the job done once again by telling the truth - Amanda's performance is contrived, indulgent, and we couldn't wait for it to be over. She might be dust in the wind after this scream-fest.

I really don't care what cute little quirks Alaina Whitaker has. Here's something Alaina might not know about me. Olivia Newton-John was my idol growing up. Grease is my favorite movie of all-time. If she's trying to get on my bad side by butchering "Hopelessly Devoted to You," she's doing a fantastic job. Randy claims that the problem is, once again, the song. If Kenickie weren't in rehab right now, he'd tell Alaina, "The problem is in your mouth!" Paula goes out on a limb and says that she likes Alaina slightly more than Randy. Simon likes her the most. I guess he's looking at her from a businessman's perspective. Cute blonde girls who can't really sing well are big-time moneymakers.

None of what Alexandrea Lushington is telling me about herself is sticking. I'm not retaining any of this information. Something about firemen. Her rendition of Chicago's "If You Leave Me Now" is only slightly more memorable. She has a very pretty voice, but the performance is quite dull, like much of Chicago's '80s catalog. The judges all take a nap. When tomorrow comes, she may regret things she sang today.

Pop tart impersonator, Kady Malloy, informs everyone that she sings opera. Well, if they ever make an opera based on the Britney Spears story (Carmen's got nothing on that tragedy), Kady has it made. Kady sings the second Heart song of the evening, "Magic Man." All I can really say is that, unlike Carly, at least Kady doesn't have to worry about numerous comparisons to Ann Wilson. She sounds good in certain parts, but overall the song is way too big for her. Randy and Paula are ambivalent, and Simon admits that he's never heard this song before. He really needs to take that Righteous Brothers tape out of his 8-track player pronto.

Closing the show out is the peppy and cute Asia'h Epperson, who surprises no one by revealing that she was a cheerleader in high school. She attempts to bring it on by singing "A'hll By'h My'hself," but it's not a winning routine. She did pull it together somewhat at the end but, this is just another case of a little girl trying to tackle too big of a song. Everyone acknowledges that Asia'h can sing, but agrees that it wasn't good enough to make Simon do a cartwheel into a back handspring with a full twist.

There was quite a bit of mediocrity tonight, which makes it hard to predict which two gals will be going home tomorrow. I'm confident that Carly and Brooke will skate through, but that's about all I'm sure of. I really think that Amanda needs to go, but she seems like she might have a strong fan base and, possibly, the support of Vote For the Worst! Alaina and Ramiele are both boring as hell, but they're also young and cute. Hmm. Decisions, decisions. I'll take a guess and say that Ramiele and Alexandrea are as dead as disco.