Wednesday, May 14, 2008

American Idol 7 Results: 5/14/08


Tonight we whittle down the three remaining contestants to the Final Two. David2 and Syesha take the stage and...

MICHAEL!!!

What the...? Michael Johns is in the audience looking completely delicious and they cut away to wrinkly old Andrew Lloyd Webber? I say we vote off the camera man!

GOSH!!!

The group sing this week is the supremely cheesy "Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now" by, uh, I don't know. After a quick Google search I find that it's...McFadden & Whitehead? Really? That's a musical group? It sounds like a law firm. Actually, if they were a law firm, "Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now" would be a pretty awesome slogan/commercial jingle. Anyway, now that there are only three people in the group sing, this one is much less offensive than most.

After they go out into the audience during the song, the two Davids leave Syesha alone on the platform behind the judges while they head back to the stage. That's what smart people who read instead of watching TV call "foreshadowing."

Hey, there's David #3 (Hernandez) with good old Chikezie and Jamless Joplin. Where is Michael?? Keep panning! PAN!! What's wrong with you, camera man? GOSH!!!

The improvement of the group sing doesn't carry over to the always abysmal Ford commercial. This one has the Final Three visiting a fortune teller, who promises them cars, fame, gold dubloons and a giant pool with Little Lord Archuleroy's face reflected in it. Personally, I'd rather have the inflatable kiddie pool with the reflection of Danny Zuko, but I'm a simple kind of gal.

Oh no. Time for the earplugs! Fourth season winner, Fantasia, is returning to the Idol stage. Looks like 'Tasia hit the old lady salon before the show for one of those awesome bright red hair rinses. She's also wearing something a little too tight for a gal of her proportions. (Of course I say this as I chug an iced tea and munch on Sour Cream and Onion Baked Lays, but hey, I'm not on stage, am I?) The song is called "Bore Me," which I'm all ready to run with, but it turns out not to be boring. Now, I'm not saying it's good, it's just not boring. "Bloodcurdling" is a bit more on the nose. Basically, Fantasia's backup girls do all the singing, while she just convulses wildly and jibber-jabbers a few phrases before doing her trademark: repeatedly shrieking "yeah yeah YEAAAAAAH!" You may not think that there is a best part to all of this, but there is. The camera catches a shot of Simon near the end of the performance and his expression is priceless. He's completely befuddled. Best. Look. Ever. (Captured at the 2:56 mark here.)

Now that most of the hour has been properly wasted, perhaps Ryan will cut that string that Syesha is dangling on. No, not yet. Time for the videos chronicling the Idols' hometown hero celebrations.

First, we head back to Murray City, UT with little Archie. He goes to the set of Good Day Utah, then to the mall, then to somewhere else and...there are so many people who love David! It's like...GOSH!!! David goshes and weeps and goshes and weeps and then goshes some more. This kid should be getting royalty checks from the makers of Napoleon Dynamite. I mean, what the flip? He had to have been the inspiration for that character. GOSH!!!

Next, Syesha takes us all to Sarasota, FL and my mind starts wondering. Why is the mayor doing handstands? Does anyone else think that David Archuleta's Dad looks like Danny Bonaduce? Why haven't they shown Michael again? Was that his wife sitting next to him? Is he wearing boxers or briefs? Commando? Suddenly, Syesha brings me back with her whiny weeping. I'm sorry, this girl could be crying for real but everything she does just seems fake to me. I bet those aren't even her real teeth. Too perfect.

Now we're going to Kansas City. Kansas City, here Cookie comes. He seems to have the most fans (even a bona fide psycho chick!) and gets to do more cool stuff. He also has a sweet moment with his old music teacher. David gets a bit choked up but manages to contain it pretty well, instead of totally falling apart like the other two.

With the nonsense behind us, we finally arrive at the inevitable. As Nostradamus predicted in 1558, Syesha is eliminated and the stage is set for the Duel of the Davids! Syesha thanks her fans and sings one last...

MICHAEL!!!

Aha! That's not his wife next to him, it's Kristy Lee Cook. And there's Babbling Brooke on his other side. Wow, looks like the whole Top 12 came out tonight. Didn't anyone give them the memo that they're not needed until the Finale? What a bunch of retards! GOSH!!!

I'm really not looking forward to the unveiling of the craptacular new Idol single (especially since it's not mine) but I'm very excited for the Finale since Michael will get to perform. The former contestants usually get to sing with current, big name stars, so I wonder who they'll put with Michael? I have a feeling that he might do a duet with Dolly Parton, but I'd love to see him paired up with Joss Stone. Hear that, producers? You already stole the songwriting competition idea from me*, so go ahead and steal this idea too. It's a good one. They would sound great together. Of course, he could make the most beautiful music with moi, but we can't show that on AI. It's a family show! GOSH!!!


*No, I will not stop harping on that.

25 comments:

Ian said...

We didn't get to see Little Lord Archuleroy's dad throw a tantrum tonight. Oh well. There's always next week when he finishes in second place.

I'm still bitter that we didn't get a Brooke-Chikezie finale.

Writeprocrastinator said...

As long as the cameraman had him in frame, you should blame the director and not the cameraman. Especially with live and semi-live TV, the director is responsible for what you see.

With movies and regular TV shows, the editor is king and if a shot of your honey doens't last more than a few seconds, the editor loped the footage out.

The cameraman is responsible for things like losing a baseball or football and that's when you can threaten them with injury...or in the case of Steeler fans and Franco Harris, buy them beers for life ; )

As long as Michael was sitting, he was static and the cameraman would've held the shot on him, unless he was told to do different.

BeckEye said...

WP, what are you, in the camera men's union?

Heather said...

Apparently Fantasia has been going to the Tina Turner school of dance. I'm pretty sure that's going to give me nightmares.

Simon's face was priceless!

fran said...

Great visual pun with the Photoshopping!

I also noticed Simon's look of absolute incomprehension. Priceless. And the goshing got to be just a wee too much. I just really wanted the kid to whip out a "GODDAMN!" Might make him almost human. Is it mean of me that the biggest reason I want LLA to lose is so that it will destroy his dad?

Finally, I'm in favor of anything that gets Joss Stone on the show. You've got my vote!

Bloody Awful Poetry said...

Syesha looks exactly like my least favourite aunt. I just realized. It's probably why I hate her so much. At least she's gone now.
And I can't wait to see Simon's face!
And what's up with Archuleroy's dad? I didn't bother watching the performance show yesterday.

Gifted Typist said...

Shirley Temple would be a good pairing-up for Lt'l Lord.

Dale said...

You're in my head Beckeye, I immediately thought of Napoleon D too and gosh darn it, I nearly died laughing when I saw Simon's face. I wish they would have drained David A's pool but no, they had to make me cry too!

SkylersDad said...

The whole thing is just so phony, all the people coming out to see them in their home towns...

I bet most of the people who came out to see little David are the ones who used to steal his lunch money - 2 months ago...

Matt White said...

McFadden & Whitehead = Brian McFadden (Former westlife singer) & Axle Whitehead (Former Australian Idol contestant) who are touring together and wrote a song together for the tour.

Bluez said...

I lost count how many times little David said "GOSH". Was it me or did Fantasia SCREAM through that whole song!

I was hoping something SHOCKING would happen like little David getting the boot but alas, onward with the battle of the Davids. GOSH!

Falwless said...

I gotta admit the best part of the night was Simon's face during Fantasia's performance. I laughed so hard, I had to rewind it a few times to wring out all the joy. Oh man, good times.

Mathdude said...

Fantasia must be living large, because she gotten quite, well, large. I concur with the rest of the world that Simon's Yikes-What-The-Hell-Is-That Look was the highlight of the night. At least they didn't have any dopey phone calls!

katrocket said...

That look on Simon's face was worth having to sit through that terrifying clip. Isn't there a rule against using the word "Bore" in a song title? And Fantasia honey, your hair stylist ain't no friend of yours.

BeckEye said...

Ian - I can't wait for him to go on a Danny Bonaduce style rampage.

Heather - If she went to Tina's school of dance, she flunked out.

Fran - Ah, you always notice my pictures. You make me happy.

BAP - Can you vote your Aunt out of your family? Call Simon, maybe he can help.

GT - Isn't she dead?

Dale - The best part is that I haven't even seen Napoleon Dynamite yet (It's in my Netflix queue, somewhere near the bottom) and I still immediately think of it when I hear anyone say "Gosh." Especially when they say it 100 times in 2 minutes.

Skylers Dad - I know. My roommate and I were dubbing in our own dialogue like, "Oh, there's the high school where I used to get beat up on a daily basis!"

Matt White - You are incorrect, sir. It's an old disco song. But I imagine you're trying to be funny, judging by your fake website address, which is also incorrect. My Michael loves all women, right out in the open, menopausal or not.

Bluez - I know, they need to install a Gosh-o-Meter for the Finale.

Fal - As one of my heroes, Butthead, once said, "Huh huh huh...look at his face."

Mathdude - I wish they would've taken calls after Fantasia's performance. I think a lot of people would've been calling in asking "Uh...what the F was that?"

Kat - I think there are rules against everything that Fantasia did last night.

Red said...

I actually went to bed early and didn't watch the show, but I just watched that clip and Simon's face was priceless!

Bond said...

H-A-T-E-D Fantasia, and I mentioned that her backup singers did more singing than she did...

And my face looked just like Simon's did...

I was flabbergasted that she actually recorded such a suck-o song

jolie said...

is fantasia a woman? hard to tell, srsly.

pistols at dawn said...

I like that you have "humor" as a tag, as opposed to "trenchant insight into 18th Century Dutch politics" that so many of your other posts concern themselves with.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

You mean they sing? Don't they naked mud wrestle each other for the championship?

Chancelucky said...

Loved the duelling Davids....God, this season's gotten harder and harder to write about for me. I don't know how you're staying funny Beckeye....Oh yeah, I forgot, you could write the phone book and be funny, Dawg.

cube said...

If little David doesn't win, Daddy "Bonaduce" Archuleta just might pick up David Cook and pitch him onto his overly large head. Wow, what a finale that would be.

DrillerAA said...

Hmmm....and I figured you just wanted an inflaitable Michael Johns doll. My bad.
Hey, you adopted Burgess Merideth as a grandpa! What's up with that. I'm a grandpa and nobody adopted me. That's OK, I've got a grandcrew of four that keep me entertained.
On to the finals!!!

Travis said...

Evidently that was Fantasia's attempt to make herself musically relevant.

r)HaN said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
 

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