Thursday, July 17, 2008

Ensuring Plenty of Material For E! True Hollywood Stories in 2018 or So

Seems like a gazillion celebrity babies have been born in the past month. This isn't the first time this has happened, either. (Here's one smaller-scale example.) Much like the phenomenon of celebrities always dying in threes, the rich and famous like to procreate en masse.

How does this happen? You women out there know about that bio-freakish thing that happens to girls who live or work together. They all end up dancing with Big Red at the same time. So, I wonder if something similar occurs to women in Hollywood? Maybe going to all the same parties, swapping spouses and sharing that small top-level salary bracket causes them to ovulate in unison? Or, it could be that pregnancy pacts aren't just for attention-hungry teenagers anymore.

Here is a look at the latest celebuspawn:

On June 7, Jessica Alba and husband Cash Warren welcomed a daughter, Honor Marie Warren, who has a lifetime of "Honor? I hardly know her!" jokes to look forward to.

Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott's daughter, Stella Doreen McDermott, was born on June 9. I really wish they had given the baby Tori's last name because Stella Spelling would have to grow up to be either an educational mascot or a stripper.

Speaking of stripper names, Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to her daughter, Maddie Briann, on June 19 and told reporters that the experience was "the best feeling in the world." She later recanted that statement, saying, "It hurt like balls, y'alls. I meant to say that what I did to get pregnant was the best feeling in the world. Oh, and not being my sister feels really good too."

The pregnant man, Thomas Beatie, gave birth to a daughter on June 29. Now, maybe s/he isn't technically a celebrity, but s/he's a hell of a lot more interesting than the last three broads I just mentioned. I haven't been able to find any stories that give the baby's name, but it was probably something like Oprah RuPaul.

Kicking off the July string of births, and breaking the baby girl streak, was another quasi-celeb, Isaac Hanson. Unlike the dude(tte) above, Isaac left all the pushing and screaming up to his wife, Nikki. Proving that he's not truly famous, Isaac named the kid James Monroe. Booooo-ring! I was really crossing my fingers for MmmmmBob.

On July 5, 52 year-old Peter Gabriel and his thirtysomething wife welcomed a baby boy. (See, guys? Don't throw out that old sperm. Just because it's old doesn't mean it's no good.) The Gabriels named their son Luc so, evidently, they want him to grow up to be a snooty Frenchman.

Matthew McConaughey and his girlfriend welcomed their son, Levi, into the world on July 7. You know what I love about these celebrity babies? I get older; they stay the same age.

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban celebrated the birth of their daughter, Sunday Rose on July 8. Okay, I have really nothing smart-alecky to say about this (except that "Sunday Urban" sounds like some ultra-hip brunch spot in the West Village). I kind of like these two, and I'm glad that Nicole was finally able to have a biological child with a man who doesn't have the crazies. (Sorry, Suri Cruise, but you are doomed to a life of Dianetic lunacy, unless your mother gets smart and pulls a Julia Roberts-in-Sleeping With the Enemy style escape.)

Brangelina super-sized their baby order by having twins, Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, on July 12. Apparently, the couple was a little disappointed that they only had two. With four other kids already, they were hoping for quints so they could finally have a beautiful baseball team. They're already hitting up the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico for some athletically-inclined orphans, and, on the advice of Madonna, Brad is going to make an indecent proposal to Jose Canseco. And if all of these options pan out at once, no harm, no foul. After all, they're gonna need a bullpen.

All of these ladies, especially the ones popping out girls, just ought to be glad they didn't marry this candidate for Father of the Year. Obviously, he studied genetics at Henry VIII University, which should really start offering an Anger Management elective.


Bubs said...

"dancing with Big Red"

Thanks for the new euphemism. I'll pass that on to MizBubs and the girls.

By the way, you do pretty damn good at Germany or Florida.

evil-e said...

they can all run in the same circles and all do rehab together once they are old 12-13

Falwless said...

I can't stop laughing at that gay baby picture. That is beyond funny.

There's entirely too much sex going on in Hollywood. In a related story, I'm moving to Hollywood.

The Guv'ner said...

I'm kind of disappointed after all this waiting that McConnahooey named his kid something like Levi instead of Bongo or Nekkid or Ganja or Weed. I mean it was practically guaranteed. I guess his girl put her foot down and he was too busy playing bongos naked and stoned to notice. So he named the kid after his jeans.

He could at least have given him the middle name of "BONG" or something. Levi Bong-Bongo McConnahooey has a nice ring to it.

Or he could've named him after one of those stupid word veri things. Like this one: Qrlebc McConnaughey.

Happy Villain said...

I'm still giggling about "MmmmmBob".

Also, I'm wondering if crazy celeb baby-naming has caught on in the real world? My friends have named their kids normal names, so I don't know if my circle is just uncool. Will there come a day when an accountant named Cucumber Rambo does your taxes and you run home to look up the name to see which celebrities are his parents? Oh, wait, of course not! Okay, how about this? Will there come a day when you're in rehab with a guy named Cucumber Rambo and....?

Chancelucky said...

Not sure about Jose Canseco...apparently he just blew his audition for Fight Club 2....

I agree it's strange to me why these aging male celebrities want to have babies. It's not like their STrom Thurmond.

Red said...

I've started calling it my Lady Days. Sounds classy, no?

CDP said...

MmmBob. Hilarious. And "dancing with Big Red"? That's almost as good as my all-time favorite euphemism..."surfing the crimson wave" (from "Clueless")

M@ said...


fran said...

MmmmmBob is hilarious.

The most disturbing thing about that story about the guy that set his wife on fire is how unshaken her mother was. Her reaction was like, "Yeah, well you had to see it coming after five girls. What are you gonna do? Shit happens."

Anonymous said...

The guy from General Hospital named his newborn son "Peanut" - thus guaranteeing an ass-kicking everyday of his school years.

SkylersDad said...

Great stuff Beckeye!! And following your link at the bottom, I found out those docs over in India are pretty fucking sharp:

"According to doctors, Sarita's condition is serious"

Yeah, when you are set on fire, it's usually not considered just an ouchie.

pistols at dawn said...

MMMbob is brilliant.

Bond said...

So this idjit sets his wife on fire for having Five daughters...can someone explain biology to him and let him know it is his sperm (young or old) that determines the sex of the baby..then maybe he can light himself on fire and we can be rid of him.

Anonymous said...

I heard there was also some dude somewhere in the U.S. who planned on meeting the usual "14-year-old-girl" he "met" on the Internet and have sex.

He arrived wearing an ironic "Father of the Year" shirt before being escorted away.


Barbara Bruederlin said...

"Knox Pitt"? I sure hope he goes by his middle name, Leon - then at least he could sound like a boxer instead of a deodorant.

Gifted Typist said...

omg Becks, Big Red.
BTW, watching Pulp Fiction now, as I comment. Never saw before. Assuming you like with JT and all

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Great post and comments....I don't know which made me laugh harder.

Kristi Mantoni said...

I wonder which ones will be the next "Paris and Nicole BFF" pair. I'm voting for Stella and Maddie. That will be something to see!

bloody awful poetry said...

Who was that guy who named his kid Auto Pilot or something like that? Or was it Audio Visual? I would totally help that boy commit suicide, if he asked me to.
Of course, being a celeb's kid, that name is probably COOL now.

LoraLoo said...

The crazy naming isn't a brand new idea... remember Moon Unit? Or her brother, Dweezil? Uh, yeah.

genn6 said...

completely hilarious...this is what I mean by "charming"!

Johnny Yen said...

What? Peter Gabriel is only five years younger than me? I didn't feel old enough already. Thanks so much.


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine