Tuesday, September 09, 2008

She Asked Me Why the E-Mailer's Name Wasn't Alice

I was checking StatCounter again yesterday, because I always get a good chuckle out of some of the bizarre search terms that lead people to my blog. There was one this time around that really cracked me up because it seemed awfully random and, at the same time, intriguing. I couldn't help but wonder if this person was a wronged friend looking for answers in all the wrong places, or just some nutty stalker. Take a look.

It's an interesting question, no? After laughing about it for 10 minutes, I started to think, "Hmmm...why doesn't Alice Cooper answer this person's e-mails?" Always one to help any misguided soul who thinks this blog has any answers, I will play advice columnist and offer up a few possibilities.

  • He's too busy during the day, and he doesn't like to e-mail at night because it takes valuable time away from his sleepy-time ritual.
  • He's too busy feeding his Frankenstein.
  • He's too busy with his duties at the Department of Youth.
  • He's got a baby's brain and an old man's heart. Hence, he hasn't really caught on to this whole "e-mail" craze yet.
  • He's got no class and he's got no principals. Er, principles.
  • He's just tired of being Mr. Nice Guy all the time. Deal with it.
  • He only uses his computer to communicate with the dead.
  • He's just not that into you.
  • He's tired of your shit. (Applies to Colonel Sanders only. For the last time, he is not making reparations to the chickens.)


Falwless said...

Hahahahhahaha! I can't get enough of the fucking dipshits who use Google as some kind of magic oracle. Totally awesome. Always cracks me up.

I like the other search a few down from that one: error- this person is too ugly

As third-person talking Suede from Project Runway would say, people are whackadoodle.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

I would offer the suggestion that this person may have the wrong Alice Cooper's email address. Their daily missives proclaiming "You're the man, dude! You fucking rule!" could be reaching a completely bemused housewife in Todmorden.

BeckEye said...

Fal, I almost got offended, thinking that a search for "ugly" brought someone to me, and then I remembered that I wrote this a long time ago. I was still awesome back then.

IR - Don't use logic on my blog, please.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I love the ones that include the question mark! I also like the searches that start "what if ...", as in "what if my dog eats a piece of Lego?"

evilesb138 said...

He was too busy playing golf because for him "school's out forever".

Dr Zibbs said...

I said it once - I'll say it again: Dummy

Falwless said...

BeckEye--Wow. Clearly. Though that post was written years ago I am just now finding out about that site. That is a brilliant, brilliant scheme, actually. How many vapid narcissists will just pay the $10 to see if they qualify for the site? Many, I bet. Many. Gold mine.

Alice said...

hee. one of mine today is "copious, when it came out." i do not want to know what they're referring to.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

Maybe Alice's zipper caught skin and he was attending to that.

CDP said...


Gifted Typist said...

I googled "What doesn't Michael Johns answer my email?" and your blog came up.

Anonymous said...

What post did you write that got the search "boy trannys" to your site?

M@ said...

Thank you for your candor, Beck.

Anonymous said...

That is priceless. I'm starting to get some strange word combos on my blog. Nice place you got here.

deadspot said...

He can't think of a word that rhymes?


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

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I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine