Thursday, November 06, 2008

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following items are curiously fascinating:

Britney and Justin Help Out the Elderly - The two ex-luvahs are scheduled to perform alongside Madonna tonight on her L.A. tour stop. In future news, Britney is pregnant with Justin's baby and Justin has contracted chlamydia, herpes, the crazies, and a fake British accent.

Beyoncé Wants to Be Known as "Sasha Fierce" - Yeah, how's that going for you, Beyoncé? Maybe Jay-Z, Tyra Banks, and Christian Siriano won't mind calling you that, but everyone else is sticking with Beyoncé.

Simon Cowell is a Free Agent - Simon's shrill, talking-head girlfriend dumped him recently, apparently because he didn't want to get married. It could also have something to do with the fantastic parting gifts - £3 million cash and a £2.3 million mansion. I guess that beats what she got during the relationship - an inferiority complex due to more public interest in his nipples than hers, his constant complaints that she didn't separate his black tee-shirts from his off-black ones in the wash, and the constant drunken 2:00 a.m. calls from Paula Abdul. Come to think of it, after six years of that, £5.3 million in cash and prizes might not be enough. (I'm totally kidding, Simon. Call me!)

Carrie's Neuroses Are Back! - Kim Cattrall recently confirmed that she and the other Sex and the City gals will film a sequel to the movie this summer. (Can I get a little Aidan this time around?? Sheesh.) I would tell all you ladies out there to start planning your wardrobe for the premiere now, but of course your outfits would be out of style by then, and it would be so gauche to sit in a dark theater for three ass-numbing hours in anything less than your designer best.

Denise Richards Gets Renewed - The loathsome "actress" and her loathsome "reality" show just got picked up by E! for a second season. This begs the question, "Why???" I mean, I love a lot of garbage TV, but this isn't even good enough for the garbage. It's like the show that fell out of the dumpster and is now just used as a urinal by street urchins. Is there any show worse than this?

Larry Birkhead Attempts to Answer the Above Question - Yes, Anna Nicole's ex is finally getting around to making a reality show. Who knows what took so long. I mean, Dannielynn is already a year old! Evidently, it took some prodding from everyone's favorite advice guru, Tori Spelling, before he could agree to exploit his daughter on TV. I imagine the conversation went something like this:
Tori: "Hey, Larry. Why don't you..."
Larry: "Do a reality show!?!?? That's a GREAT idea! Of course, it must be done tastefully. Like that Denise Richards show."


Spencer Pratt Kills Heidi Montag - Ha ha, jackass! Made you click! It's just my caption contest. But since you're already there, you might as well enter.


Bubs said...

Thank you for these stories! Perhaps, at some point in the future, we can do a joint Freak of the Week post--I'll pick some random freaks out of the news, and you can post the celebrity stories that best parallel them.

MelO said...

Beyonce (please note: I don't even give her an é) gets on my last nerve... WTF is this Sasha Fierce business?! I saw that too and forwarded it to a friend with 'ridiculousness' as the subject of the email.

Cormac Brown said...

Charlie Sheen: I was just minding my own business and this scantily-clad woman just leapt on my lap. She was so strong, she pinned me down and there's nothing I could do. She extracted dollar bills from wallet and oh my God, it was terrible! Simply terrible! And nobody even said anything or tried to help me! What kind of sick world is this?

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Larry Birkhead, really? Will it feature Howard K. Stern skulking in the shadows salivating and watching a giant stopwatch counting down to her 18th birthday when he can swoop in, buy her lingerie and perform the lobotomy necessary to make her his bitch?

dmarks said...

I never saw the "Sex in the City" movie. For one, I am a guy. For another, I heard it was about nothing but shoes and defecation.

As for Howard K. Stern, I've not heard a peep out of him since he went to Sirius or Skynet or whatever that satellit service is.

Anonymous said...

How could you leave out the big break up of Taylor Swift and a Jonas brother? I'm shocked!

The Guv'ner said...

OOH Bluez is correct, that is earth shattering news that will cause riots in the streets (or at least in elementary schools everywhere!). Shame on you Becks.

Falwless said...


I love you.

And A-FUCKING-MEN on including some Aidan on the next SatC go-round!

katrocket said...

I'd be so out of touch with pop culture if it weren't for you. That Sasha Fierce business is further proof that raging egos lead to mental illness, and WTF - Denise Richards renewed?? She must have naughty photos of someone important.

Red said...

Ugh. All reality shows with celebs must stop, like, now!

Les Becker said...

God, it's been too long since I've read your boogers.... (I almost said "tasted", but thought better of it.)

I miss you at my place too... come read about my harrowing "drug-deal".

Gifted Typist said...

Beyonce should change her identity to,
oh, um,

I know,


Scott said...

I second your call for Aidan!

J. Hi said...

Which one is Madonna going to kiss this time? Justin or Brit?

OMG, I am so happy Joe Jonas is free. He will be mine, oh yes, he will be mine.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I had forgotten that so-bad-it's-bad poodle haircut that JT used to have!

Falwless said...

Hey I nominated you for a "best comment" thingy over here.

If you win I get 80% of the prize money. Just fyi.

genn6 said...

This was a kind of WTF week for our beloved famous and such.

Did you see the outfits Britney and Madonna were wearing? That was atrocious on both parts! Had they both dressed the same it wouldn't have looked bad at all, but that just contrasted waaaay too much to be believeable.

deadspot said...

Henceforth, I'll refer to Beyonce as a combined eye rolling and subtle sneer. Is that close enough?


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I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

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