American Idol 8: Insert Very Original "Kansas Shitty" Joke Here

The next stop on the AI audition tour is Kansas City. Ever hear of it? Probably not. Evidently, it's some little town that no one ever heard of until David Cook put it on the map.

In an effort to blend in, and at the risk of breaking out into a hetero rash, Seacrest dons a plaid work shirt and some Wranglers. He looks fairly mannish, I suppose. However, if the producers ask him to really get into the Midwestern spirit by shucking some corn, he and his manicurist will strenuously object.

Although King David is not on hand to pass on his crown to the next Chosen One, Ryan promises a visit from another Season 7 cutie who is not Michael Johns. Later.

First, we meet Chel-C Skat Kat. She's a typical deluded wannabe who brags about her "powerful" voice before she slaughters "Without You." Perhaps it was a mercy killing. However, Simon shows her no mercy by comparing her vocal stylings to the sound of a "cat jumping off the Empire State Building and then hitting the floor." The Dawg, eager to take a swipe at a cat, chimes in "huh huh ha, yeah, and then, uh, after it hits the floor, then there's a siren." Okay then. Kara calls her "sweetie" and she and Paula give Chel-C the old "well, at least you're pretty" routine. Unfortunately, this girl missed at least three opportunities here to fight back. What she should have said: "#1 - Simon, if you jump off the Empire State Building, you hit the ground, not the floor. #2 - Randy, nothing intentionally funny has ever come out of your mouth. Stop trying. #3 - Bitch, I ain't your sweetie." But whatever, I'm sure Chel-C will be fine. Cats always land on their feet. I've never tested that theory from the top of the Empire State Building, but boy I'd sure like to. Is that legal?

Leona Lewis Part Deux is up next and she covers a Leona Lewis song (shock!) that just happens to be co-written by Lord Cowell (awe!). Simon loves her, he loves his song, but most of all, he loves himself. Lucky for Leona II, he hates originality, so she's off to Hollywood.

In case you've all forgotten that David Cook is our current American Idol, his big noggin is plastered all over the newest Season 8 promo. The ad's tagline is "Dreams Begin Again." Huh? When did the dreams start? Why, it was just last year that Randy told my beloved Michael that this show isn't about dreams. Hmm. This must be one of the big changes we were promised for this season. The ban on dreams has been lifted. Yay. Unfortunately, a new ban on hot men has been imposed because I still have yet to see one.

K.C. Casey is a lovely girl who is sure to get through to Hollywood on her looks and personality alone. May I just say that I adore this girl's dress and her hair....oh, her hair. That is the exact hairstyle that I dream of having one day. Of course, my dreams don't involve the pain and expense of extensions, which is the only way I could ever transform my thin, wimpy locks into such a style, so there goes that idea. Oh hell, suddenly I made this all about me and now I can't remember what Casey just sang. She sang it well, I do remember that. Everyone likes her. Kara waves her hand towards Casey's body and says, "I see a package here." What?? She's crazy. Casey is so not a tranny. She's a very pretty girl. Shame on you, Kara Digiorno. You're just jealous.

Tragedy! We must now endure the vocal stylings of Opie Gibb - some big rube who thinks he's Don of the Discotheque. During his version of Aretha's "Think," I can only think of how much he sounds like Mary Catherine Gallagher. Stunned that he doesn't make it to Hollywood, he sadly hustles off, but stoically refuses to give the cameraman the satisfaction of seeing him cry.

That's okay though, because there are soon a string of other rejects who are more than happy to openly weep for the home viewers. Some crazy broad with cornrows will even collapse to the ground screaming as if her kneecaps have just been shot out by Plaxico Burress. Sheesh, people. Not getting to star in lame Ford commercials for the next several months isn't the end of the world, you know.

Ryan makes the first of many promises to introduce us to tonight's Very Special Contestant (VSC), whose emotional story will make you forget all about that lame blind guy. Pffftt, like vision is important. That blind guy is so 24 hours ago.

Ooh, there's a new show coming to FOX starring Tim Roth. The premise (about a crime-solving band of facial expression experts...seriously) looks pretty stupid, but I do enjoy Mr. Roth. I may have to check that out.

Back to Idol, and back to more dejected rejects. I don't know what all these people are so sad about. They can pretty much all sing better than me. Damn. Now I'm depressed.

Rat Pack Jack swings in, emitting a sonic boom to the tune of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." Jeez Louise, his voice is deafening. Everyone in Munchkinland can probably hear him. I think that last note even popped Glinda's bubble. The guy can obviously carry a tune, but he's just so damn loud. Well, you know who loves it then. Yep. The Dawg can't resist anyone who brings tha noise. All the judges vote yes, and Kara-cha DiGregorio says, "I think you have a really big instrument." Whoa. No wonder she has the worst reputation at St. Bernadette's.

One of the most heartfelt stories ever heard on Idol is yet to come. You haven't forgotten about tonight's Very Special Contestant (VSC), have you?? Okay, good. Don't forget. We'll get to him soon. Ryan promises. Maybe around 9:50-ish.

For now, we're treated to a not-so-surprise visit from last year's 4th-runner up, Jason Castro. No, he's not trying out again, he's here to support his brother, Michael Castro, who apparently just took up singing, like, 20 minutes ago. The younger Castro is just as dumb as big brah, but not nearly as cute. His hair is even worse than the dreads, if you can imagine. It looks like a menstruating hen is perched on his head. (Sorry guys, I know nothing turns you off more than "lady talk." But get over it. It's part of life, you weenies.) Michael does a fair impression of Gavin DeGraw and cruises through to Hollywood, to the delight of his very unsurprised family. Kara Didgeridoo says she likes him 'cause he's "ballsy." What's up with this chick tonight? Jeez. Sometimes a microphone is just a microphone, lady. Enough with your phallic fixation.

As if right on cue, some weird dude in a yellow suit sings a song about a banana. He's actually pretty hilarious. Immediately, I like him a whole bunch. He's a little fruity, but has a strange a-peel. Tee hee. Even my puns can't save him though, and he slips out of my life as quickly as he slid in.

Baldy McBurly sings a nice version of "Ain't No Sunshine," and although Randy dismisses him as "just a bar singer," the other three send him to Hollywood.

Tone-Deaf Twotone follows that with the scariest audition I've ever witnessed. This chick looks like a heroin addict, but is trying to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" through a yellowed, fake pageant smile. The judges are pretty brave to say no to her. I'd have been afraid that she was going to stab me in the throat with my own pen or summon a demon crow to peck my eyes out. Creeee-py.

It's quite obvious that Lisa Loebish is one of the favorites this season. She's the only one who has a camera man come to her house to take footage while she hangs out with her dear, crazy old granny. She then sings Janis Joplin's "Cry Baby" pleasantly enough and waltzes through to the next round.

Suck-N-Pepa dedicate a rap about being a morbidly obese cookie addict to Randy, so mad props to them. But they're not here just to screw around - they're really serious about getting on the show. Well, at least Pepa is, anyway. After Suck pretty much lives up to her name, Pepa wins the judges over by singing well, yet still managing to sound like any number of other female pop/R&B singers.

Jamar sports the tiniest fauxhawk in the world and shouts his way through "California Dreamin'." Even though no one called Rat Pack Jack on his volume modulation problems, everyone complains that Jamar is a little loud. But, what's this? He's the VSC's BFF? Well, then. Welcome to Hollywood! Go on with your loud self!

Ooh, there's a new show coming to FOX starring Eliza Dushku. She's on the lesbian list, folks. I'll have to check it out. And this show's premise actually looks pretty interesting.

Finally, tonight's VSC is revealed as The Grief-Stricken Widower. I don't know if that necessarily puts him ahead of the blind guy in the sad story competition, but the widower definitely has the edge in the vocal category. He sings "Heard it Through The Grapevine" pretty fly(ly) for a white guy, and suddenly he's being labeled "one of the best." Paula thinks he's in the pocket, so you know what that means. Drink up! He's also probably the cutest guy so far. I'm kind of digging him. He's got a Robert Downey Jr. thing going on. Wait a minute...am I one of those sick women who is drawn to broken men? Is grief really nature's most powerful aphrodisiac?

More importantly, how is this show not over yet? I'm gonna have to zoom through this like a witch on a flying bicycle.

Some nondescript guys sing songs we just heard last night and make it through. Several unattractive girls make fools out of themselves. Not even his own personal cheerleading squad can help Theatre Boy bring it on. The Obviously Mentally Deficient Guy gets ribbed by the judges for your pleasure.

Mister Cleo breaks up the monotony a bit. He's a kooky guy who predicts he's going to Hollywood because Simon told him so in a dream. He sings "With You" while making a lot of odd facial expressions and jerky dance moves, but I'm actually thoroughly entertained by him. The judges don't seem sold, but after promising that he can sing very, very, very, very, very well, they give him a golden ticket. Yay! He and his family and friends celebrate by dancing around outside like they just received an Extreme Home Makeover.

More commercials. If my obsession with this ridiculous program over the years hasn't made me enough of a dork, the swift realization that I MUST see Hotel For Dogs the instant it comes out assures me that my transformation is complete.

And now, the last two auditions! Thank God.

Sleeping Booty mangles Minnie Ripperton's "Loving You," and because they're masochists, the judges allow her to attempt that dog whistle note. When she doesn't make it through, she warns the judges repeatedly that God will smite them. Yeah, tell them something they don't know.

Finally, Baby Mama tries to outdo the VSCs who have come before her. She's living in a hotel with her husband and three kids because a tornado destroyed her house. Nice try, but her family is all still alive and she has two perfectly good eyes. She also sings quite well, but she still sounds awfully familiar. Randy describes her as a mixture of Fantasia and Mary J. Blige, which would've been a compliment if he hadn't used the F-word.

Tune in next week to see a giant bunny-man molest Simon. BeckEye out.