Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Can You Smell What My Blog is Cookin'?

Ooooooooooh...can you feel the excitement?? American Idol Season 8 starts tonight! Thank God. The death of Jett Travolta earlier this month has kept me in a real funk. The people who write and frequent the vomitous mass of cyberspace known as TMZ were making me feel embarassed to run a pop culture blog. But then I finally realized that I'm nothing like them and so have nothing to be ashamed of. Now, maybe a few of my old "anonymous" friends would disagree. A few people may have called me "mean spirited" and such in the past but, well, those people just have no sense of humor. I'm not above a few well-placed cuts and jabs, but I'm quite certain that I've never crossed the line into "heartless."

Anyhoo, now that I'm feeling regenerated, I thought I'd make a few quick predictions for the new season of AI:

  1. The new judge, Kara DioGuardi, will immediately prove herself to be one judge too many. The show has always worked perfectly fine with two and a half judges.
  2. There is a 95% chance that a black male is going to win. Ruben Studdard was the last black man to win, waaaay back in Season 2. It's also fitting since we have our first "colored" president. (Right, Li-Lo?) It's the way it should be. Welcome to post-racial America! Deal with it, Cate Blanchett!
  3. If a black man doesn't win, this will finally be the year of the Filipino Idol. So, there's a 5% chance that the ousters of Jasmine Trias and Ramiele Malubay will be avenged.
  4. I will be called a racist, fat whore by someone. Maybe even today! This season will have THE ANGRIEST ANONYMOUS COMMENTERS EVER!!
  5. The judges and producers will all continue to pretend like Taylor Hicks never existed.
  6. To save time, Paula Abdul will critique all contestants before they sing.
  7. Randy Jackson will use the word "dawg" 5,643 times.
  8. Simon Cowell's nipples will increase in circumference by .08 centimeters per show.
  9. The show will continue to carry out its curious vendetta against Queen by letting all the worst singers mangle some of their best songs.
  10. Not one male contestant will be even 1/8 as hot as Michael Johns.
Of course, it goes without saying that my life outside of the TV world will cease until May. That's an easy prediction to make. Even Mathdude could figure that one out.


Knot said...

I think this is the only way a dying record industry can generate new talent.


FranIAm said...

Yes I can smell what your blog is cooking... It is appealing, but you know I have eliminated all gluten and all idol from my diet.

I will have to experience this vicariously... Oh duh! That's one of many great services your blog offers me.

How good is it to live in a world where I can remain "idol-free" and yet, not...

Del-V said...

I'm not "feeling" this season of Idol yet. Maybe I'll get into it in a few weeks.

Bacon Lady said...

I am so right there with you. Can't wait to cringe and shudder at what they're going to throw at us this year.

I'm off to set the DVR!

Gifted Typist said...

Fasten your seatbelts Idolistas, it's going to be a bumpy season.

Bubs said...

Yes, yes...but what about Simon's unfortunate underarm sweat stains? Will they grow in proportion to his nipple circumference? The mind reels.

GingerSnaps said...

Squee!!!!! Finally life is going to get fun again! (What does that say about my life? I know. *sigh*)

I can't wait to read your reviews!!! :)

Candy's daily Dandy said...

WHOO HOO!!! I'm strapped in and ready to ride!!
Two things:
-I hate the new judge already. Maybe she is the one who is a racist, fat whore!

-and, (I cannot believe I am about to admit this-but I will for the sake of a clean start) I loved, voted for, and bought his debut album-Taylor Hicks. Yup! Dont hate me. Can I still come over and play here??

SkylersDad said...

I am going on record as the first one to predict a full-out chick fight between Paula and newbie judge, complete with hair pulling and various stages of undress.

Can you smell the ratings declining?

Doc said...

I'm delighted for you and Flannery that American Idol has returned as I know it will be wonderful to read your dish on it, as I can't bring myself to sit through even five minutes of it. I just can't watch the trainwreck every week like you can, but I need to be able to keep up with the ever evolving pop culture around me so I don't look like a dork at work. Let me thank you ahead of time for saving my rep.

Also, I wrote you a little thank-you note at my place for the Firecrotch award. You can find it here: http://cultureofbeer.blogspot.com/2009/01/caption-contest-jackassery-flaming-mug.html

Sorry, I don't know how to create links in the comments. Thanks agian for the wonderful award and I promise never to whine here again.


Les Becker said...

I look forward to watching another season through your eyes...

katrocket said...

This is the part of A.I. that I like best (and actually the only part I watch, since I have YOU here for the rest of the season to watch it for me) -- the fabulously terrible audition episodes.

I'm fascinated by untalented people who truly believe they are awesomely talented.

I love Pistols for the exact same reason.

red said...

I'm actually pretty excited about this...which proves my life is really sad right now. Just FYI, I am forgoing the recaps this year and sending everyone here to read your hilarity. You're welcome.

Gwen said...

I set the Tivo this morning! The try-outs are my favorite part. I generally lose interest once they get down to the 12. Thankfully I found YOU this year so you can keep me up to date when I stop watching!

dguzman said...

I too forego the Idol (and every other TV show) for my health.

Knot makes a good point.

Dr Zibbs said...

The coverage of the Travolta kid dying has sickened me!

CDP said...

I cannot wait. Not for the show, since I don't watch it until April or so, but your recaps make my ENTIRE week.

Falwless said...













Scott said...

I won't tune in to this until they're down to about 5 or 6. You guys can endure the ugly moments until then.

But I will continue to play American Idol Karaoke Revolution. Virtual Simon thinks I'm fantastic.

aliencg said...

*Planning TV watching around everything that runs opposite of American Idol (that is not reality-based)*

You know, I am unable to name the winners of American Idol.

The Guv'ner said...

I saw a trailer for the new season yesterday and I said to myself, "Ha! I bet that racist, fat whore is pissing in her panties right now in anticipation!"

And I was right! Rock on Miss B.

cube said...

We'll be watching. Love seeing the funny losers like Jennifer "The Hotness" and Ian Bernardo.

Hope the tryouts are better this year, though, cause last year's crop was pathetic.

Dale said...

We've always had 4 judges here for Canadian Idol and it's about 3 too many. Can't wait to smell more of you on a blog near me soon! You know what I mean. But do I? I dunno.

words words words said...

I honestly did not know that American Idol premiered tonight until I read your blog. And I watch Fox all the time. Thank God DirecTV lets you set your DVR from the internet. I guess I'm the reason that Fox runs A.I. promos every five freakin' minutes. I apologize to everyone.

BTW, my verification word is "raffi". I don't believe you've ever reviewed one of his albums here, maybe he's dropping a hint.

Finally, I am still appalled at that stupid troll. You are not racist OR fat.

sista #2 said...

I am sooo excited!!!
I am such an Idol geek.


Kristi Mantoni said...

Number 4 is my favorite!! It's exciting to have Idol back. I just hope it's not a let down. Who am I kidding? I'll watch anyway and love every minute.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Sorry, Love Kara!


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