Tuesday, September 01, 2009

The 10 Hottest Hotties of Hottstown, Hottsylvania

It's been a while (more than a day) since I let my lustful star-effing fantasies be known, so I thought this might be a good time to celebrate some sexy menz and praise them like I should. Besides, my list has actually changed quite a bit since the last time I did this (although I don't imagine Hotties #1 and #2 will be budging anytime soon) and I'm far too anal to let something as frivolous as a "hot guy" list remain outdated.

1. John Travolta - Who's shocked?? If you raised your hand, read my blog once, why don'tcha? I don't know how many different ways I can describe how much I adore this man, or how much more you people can take. But if you're still puzzled by my love for him, this post probably comes closest to explaining my hopeless devotion. It goes way beyond looks, people. He will remain at #1 even if he loses all his teeth, hair, and control of his bladder.

2. Eddie Vedder - I'm still playing Captain Obvious but hey, I told you that #1 and #2 are immovable objects of lust. Yet oddly enough, they are the two on this list who I look upon with the least amount of outright "lust." I guess it sounds queer to say while making a celebrity fantasy list, but I actually respect these guys more than I want to do dirty things to them. Not to say that I don't want to do dirty things to them. Let's not be ridiculous. Of course I do. But John is a guy I've been in love with since I was five years old, so there's sort of an innocent quality guiding that long-standing crush. And even though I've had plenty of impure thoughts about Eddie, his effect on me is much more profound than that. There has never been and I can't imagine that there ever will be (although I'm open to the possibility) another songwriter whose words touch me the way his do. When I hear his music, it's like he's...uh, I don't know...banging my soul. Or something. Isn't that just beautiful?? Hard to believe I never became a great lyricist myself.

3. Ewan McGregor - My favorite peen-flashing Scot has risen as far up in the ranks as anyone not named Travolta or Vedder can get. And it really has little to do with the aforementioned peen flashing. He's simply just scrumptrulescent. Those of you who know Jeremy Sisto as my perennial "Number 3 Man" may be surprised by this turn of events, and I'll get to that a little later. He's still somewhere on the list. But when it came to filling that crucial third spot, the force was just stronger in Ewan.

4. Damon Albarn - Now it is time to correct an egregious omission in my past sexy lists. My recent re-discovery and obsession with Blur also helped me re-discover my old, recurring crush on the lead singer, Damon. I explained away the whole missing-out-on-Blur thing as just bad luck that they never broke through in America, but that's kind of a lame excuse now that I think about it. Because Supergrass had the same problem and I managed to dig up more info on them several years ago, despite knowing barely any of their songs and the fact that the lead singer looks like a Cro-Mag. Yet, there was Blur, occasionally reaching my ears and pleasing them every time, with a lead singer who, during his 20s and early 30s, was about the most perfect looking person on the planet. So, if the good music wasn't enough to make me seek them out, shouldn't the beautiful man have gotten me off my arse? I'm either much less shallow than I think or much, much lazier than I realize. Anyway, I always assumed Damon was gay because he was way too pretty to be straight and because he wrote the big bi party anthem, "Girls & Boys." (Sometimes I make the mistake of thinking that all lyricists write directly from their own experiences.) Turns out not only is he not gay, but he's quite the one-woman man (hot) and is practically the damn King of England; they love him so much over there. And what's not to love? He's still gorgeous (yes, even with the whole gold tooth fiasco going on in his mouth) and still making brilliant, genre-busting music with just about everyone under the sun. (Everyone, it seems, but Blur, unfortunately.) He's also one of those do-gooders who makes you reassess everything you're doing in your own life. Ah, nothing hotter than a guy who can give you an inferiority complex, eh?

5. Hugh Jackman - Yes, we're deep into the "men with accents" portion of the list. We've gone from Scottish to British to my favorite, Aussie. (Well, it's kind of a tie with Irish.) This guy is the very definition of the word "hunk." I think it should be some sort of Hollywood law that Hugh has to appear shirtless in every movie that he's in. If it's not a law already because, thankfully, it seems to happen a lot.

6. Jason Segel - In a very short span of time, Jason went from "guy I think is mildly creepy" to my #3 man (for, like, a day while I was deep in the middle of my Freaks & Geeks discovery), to the very comfortable and not at all shabby #6 spot on the list. He may not be as "conventionally" good-looking as some of my other dudes, but he's totally adorkable, and I love that. I'm not sure who coined that term, but I'm stealing it. Because that's what he is. He's Mr. Adorkable.

7. Paul Rudd - I've always thought Paul was so cute, ever since I first saw him in Clueless. But he's just gotten hotter and funnier (which adds to the hotness) over the years. His performance in I Love You, Man was a thing of beauty. He actually out-adorkabled Mr. Adorkable himself, and that's no easy task.

8. Jeremy Sisto - Okay, so I feel a little bad dropping Jeremy all the way down to #8. I mean, I've loved him ever since Clueless also. But I don't know what's going on with him. I still dig him (and that hair) but it just doesn't seem like he's aging as well as some of these other guys. Or maybe my tastes are changing. Who knows. I do know one thing - Law & Order was supposedly filming a scene right around the corner from my office yesterday morning, and I didn't spot Jeremy. But you can bet that if I had, I would've treated him like he was still #3. And then I would have ended up in jail or Bellevue.

9. Charlie Day - Charlie might very well be the funniest guy on the list, and possibly the shortest. Eddie and Paul are pretty short though too, so I'm not sure. His height is really immaterial though. He's hilarious, cute as a button, and a master of karate and friendship for everyone. And talk about your great hair. He might even have Jeremy beat in that department, but I don't know. To make an informed decision, I'd really need to have them both in front of me so I could grab a nice, big handful. Of their hair, you pigs. On their heads, you swine.

10. Dierks Bentley - Ah, the lone blonde on my list. Damon Albarn seems a bit on the blonde side, and I believe he's gone blonde on occasion, but his hair is actually more of a light brown. And you know, I'm not even completely convinced of Dierks' blondeness now that I look at his pics a bit more. I historically go for brunette men, so it's always newsworthy (to me) when I flip for a fair-haired lad. I thought Dierks looked hot when he shaved his hair off, but I have to say that I'm happy he's back to all the wild curls. Hottest. Country singer. Ever.

And yes, I know I'm totally playing favorites with the Top 4 by featuring more pictures of them. But they are the Top 4, for God's sake. (Actually, I was going to play favorites with the Top 5 until searching for pictures became so damn time consuming.)

By the way, spot the recurring theme in the Top 4's photos and win a prize*!

So, what do you all think of my hotties? Who's your Top 10? I'll bet $100 that someone says John Stamos. My last Stamos-less list brought a bunch of his crazy, grammatically-challenged worshippers out of the woodwork, so I'm sure they'll find me again.

*Probably another dumb list. And a comment from me something along the lines of, "Yay, you did it."


J.J. in L.A. said...

I agree with Paul Rudd. The rest? Not so much. Especially John Travolta.

*dives under desk

bloody awful poetry said...

I agree with the Damon Albarn. So so Pretty. So so so. And there was a time I wished Paul Rudd was my dad. Which may or may not be a little bit sick.

I think I'll take liberty here and blog about some sexy men myself, Mom. I haven't been a teenage girl in quite a while, and I only have like, a year left to be one. God.

bloody awful poetry said...

Oh and the recurring theme is that there's at least one picture of each of the top fours with their hand somewhere around the vicinity of their mouths.

I'll be taking that prize now. And you're welcome.

Soda and Candy said...

The multiple pictures are a chronological progression of deliciousness (or decline, depending on how you look at it).

Thank you for helping me figure out who the hell Jeremy Sisto was, I saw him in the L&O ads and was like, damn I know that guy from SOMEWHERE!!!

Knot said...

I know what men you think are hot and I know what women you think are skank.

I want to know what WOMEN you think are hot and why.

Billy said...

Where would we be as a nation without our Platonic Ideals of Hotness? I can't deny being a little bit hurt that there's not one damn blonde dude in the bunch. (sniff) But hey, it's cool, I dig it.

At this very moment, some dude is out there blogging about his 10 Hottest Hotties, and his explanations solely and completely revolve around body parts. You want Eddie V. to bang your soul, and that dude blogger just wants to cop a feel.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

I have big trouble picking a top ten. This is because when it changes, for some reason I feel guilty towards the people who are no longer in it. This is odd, I know; it's not like Cindy Crawford is reading my mind and will become depressed that she hasn't been in my top ten since I was 16.

Red said...

Dierks Bentley is nowhere near the hotness that is Keith Anderson.

Can't get behind your top two at all, but Ewan is #1 on my list.

cube said...

Egads! You and I have very different tastes in men.

elaine said...

I'm not going to put them in order, since I don't want to hurt any feelings, but here's a quick list: ditto on Hugh Jackmann and Paul Rudd. And I am so glad that I am not the only one who has the hots for Charlie Day. For a long time I've had a thing for Dave Navarro. (His marrying Carmen Electra pretty much destroyed all respect that I had for him, but I just saw him a few weeks ago at Lollapalooza, and he was so hot up on stage. SO hot. Damn.) Michael Ian Black, Rivers Cuomo, Ryan Reynolds, Joel McHale, and Reid from the last season of the Bachelorette all come to mind as guys who give me butterflies. And no hottie list would be complete without my very sexy and quite hilarious husband who often gets told that he looks just like Neil Patrick Harris.

Penny said...

I am in love with Ewan Mcgregor :)

Yay to Paul Rudd, Eddie Vedder :)

My immoveable #1 would be Jim Adkins :)

CDP said...

Nice list, although its lack of Colin Firth troubles me. Still, good choices.

Shelly said...

Since I recently got in "trouble" with my hubby for drooling over Gerard Butler, I better mention that he melts my butter.

BeckEye said...

J.J. - Oh, I'm used to it by now.

BAP - I see that I raised you right. I'm so proud. (Except for that weird paternal thing with Paul Rudd. Then again, if I'm your mom, I guess it's okay for him to be your dad.) And yes, you found the theme! Photogs must love that pensively seductive hand-to-mouth pose.

S&C - I see no decline here!!

Knot - You must have missed my Lesbian List. Check it out.

Billy - Dierks is a blonde! A dirty, dirty blonde.

TIR - Actually, I just read an interview with Ms. Crawford recently in which she expresses her dismay over your demotion of her.

Red - As I told JJ, I'm used to everyone disagreeing over Travolta. That's fine. The more of him for me. I just Googled Keith Anderson. Eh. He's okay, but no Dierks.

Cube - Who's on your list? Dubya? Dick Cheney? Rush? ;)

Elaine - Joel McHale is awesome.

Penny - It seems like Ewan is the one guy that all women can agree on.

elaine said...

My favorite Jason Segel moment from Freaks and Geeks: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzrMrglib6c

So very awkward.

BeckEye said...

CDP - Oh God. You and my roommate. Colin Firth this, Colin Firth that. :)
It should come as no surprise that I found him most attractive when he played a gay man in "Mamma Mia."

Shelly - I remember when I first saw him in that Attila the Hun movie on cable, years ago. I thought he was really hot and now...I don't know. I guess he's played out for me.

Penny said...

PS. the common theme is hand to the face pose :)

Bond said...

Jason loved you until you did not put one picture of his "totally adorkable" face

Bond said...

OK OK...So I skimmed the pictures! I read the words!

And I am trying to get moving ya know...I have things to do this weekend!


red said...

I like your list. I even appreciate your undying devotion to John T.

My list (at the moment, off the top of my head and in no real order):
1. John Cusack
2. Ewan Macgregor
3. James Franco
4. Jason Schwartzman
5. Heath Bell
6. Jason Segal
7. Paul Rudd
8. Alexander Skarsgaard
9. Jon Hamm
10. Nathan Fillion

words...words...words... said...

The list definitely needs more blonds.

Jenna said...

I want to say that that common theme is a cleft chin but I can't tell from those photos if it applies to Vedder or not.

Cora said...

What?! No Adam Lambert?! Are you feeling okay?!

My top 10 (in no particular order because I'm too lazy to sit down and actually analyze the hotness) would probably be:

Russel Brand
Paul Rudd
Jason Segel (who looks A LOT like Scope, by the way!!)
Jason Issacs
Jason Castro (Hmm. A lot of Jasons on my list. Go figure.)
Adam Lambert
Alan Rickman
Morten Harket
Kevin James (Awww. I can't help it, I just adore the cuddly guys who've had a biscuit or two in their time!! :-))
Yahoo Serious (Yes. Seriously. Shut up.)

rebecca said...

I have been in lust (er, I mean love) with Eddie Veder ever since he came on the scene singing Jeremy in that eye-freaky kind of way. His vocals are awesome. His long locks *sigh* and he just seems to be so cerebral (a knicker twister for me). I saw a doc on him a few years ago when he was a bit, bit older, calmer and oh sooooo friggin' more hot. Okay, gotta go take a cold shower now!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Well really. You know my feelings on The Albarn but I suppose he's easy enough on the eyes. I will NEVER understand what's so hot about Hugh Jackman though. I mean he seems to be a nice dude and all but so not hot. I don't get it.

You know what though? Remember that conversation we had months ago about Jason Segel? I saw "I Love you Man" and "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" the other day and decided I kinda like him. Not in a "he's hot" type of way (ew!) more as I think he'd be a laugh to hang with.

Sometimes I really should listen to you.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

PS Dierks was hot during the "What Was I Thinking?" period. You know, for a blonde.

BeckEye said...

Elaine - I think a lot of ladies love Charlie. And that damn waitress gets to have him. Grrr.

Penny - "Yay, you did it!" But BAP actually beat you to it. She guessed the common theme way up in comment #3. :)

Bond - See how nice I was? I opted not to publicly humiliate you. :)

Red - A lot of freaks and geeks on that list! I was a bit surprised by Skarsgaard, but then I realized that I was thinking of STELLAN Skarsgaard. Heh. Well, he is kind of a sexy old dude, I guess.

WWW - I'm letting you have all the blondes for YOUR hot men list.

Jenna - I think JT is the only guy with a cleft chin. He's special.

Cora - Well, you know I think Adam is hot but he just isn't Top Tennish enough. He might make my Top 20 though, if I ever tried to compile one. You'll notice that Michael Johns has fallen off the list as well. Oh, how times have changed.

Rebecca - I always loved the weird faces he made when he sang. He doesn't really make them too much anymore.

Veggie - I'm glad you can put aside your Britpop allegiances to admit that Damon is one spicy chip, or whatever they say in the UK. Your statement about Hugh Jackman does not compute. And re: Jason Segel, TOLDJA!

One Sassy Girl said...

I haven't a clue what the four have in common but am dying to know where the eff Clive Owen is!?!!

WendyB said...

Nothing to do with any of the dudes, but I'm adding a new word verification to amuse you. You'll have to keep commenting till you see it!

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I've never been one to gush about handsome actors and celebrity men I have no chance of ever meeting, but since you mentioned him, I've had a secret crush on Damon Albarn for a very, very long time. It's like we're growing old together and he doesn't even know it.

dguzman said...

Right now, Clive Owen is crying in a bathroom somewhere because you left him off the list.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

He'a number 12 in your program but #1 in my heart; you know, my Tommy.

and my perrenial #2

I love me some Danny Zuko too..

Tootsie said...

Ummm, I don't see Johnny Depp or Matthew McConaughey.


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