The 10 Hottest Hotties of Hottstown, Hottsylvania

It's been a while (more than a day) since I let my lustful star-effing fantasies be known, so I thought this might be a good time to celebrate some sexy menz and praise them like I should. Besides, my list has actually changed quite a bit since the last time I did this (although I don't imagine Hotties #1 and #2 will be budging anytime soon) and I'm far too anal to let something as frivolous as a "hot guy" list remain outdated.

1. John Travolta - Who's shocked?? If you raised your hand, read my blog once, why don'tcha? I don't know how many different ways I can describe how much I adore this man, or how much more you people can take. But if you're still puzzled by my love for him, this post probably comes closest to explaining my hopeless devotion. It goes way beyond looks, people. He will remain at #1 even if he loses all his teeth, hair, and control of his bladder.


2. Eddie Vedder - I'm still playing Captain Obvious but hey, I told you that #1 and #2 are immovable objects of lust. Yet oddly enough, they are the two on this list who I look upon with the least amount of outright "lust." I guess it sounds queer to say while making a celebrity fantasy list, but I actually respect these guys more than I want to do dirty things to them. Not to say that I don't want to do dirty things to them. Let's not be ridiculous. Of course I do. But John is a guy I've been in love with since I was five years old, so there's sort of an innocent quality guiding that long-standing crush. And even though I've had plenty of impure thoughts about Eddie, his effect on me is much more profound than that. There has never been and I can't imagine that there ever will be (although I'm open to the possibility) another songwriter whose words touch me the way his do. When I hear his music, it's like he's...uh, I don't know...banging my soul. Or something. Isn't that just beautiful?? Hard to believe I never became a great lyricist myself.


3. Ewan McGregor - My favorite peen-flashing Scot has risen as far up in the ranks as anyone not named Travolta or Vedder can get. And it really has little to do with the aforementioned peen flashing. He's simply just scrumptrulescent. Those of you who know Jeremy Sisto as my perennial "Number 3 Man" may be surprised by this turn of events, and I'll get to that a little later. He's still somewhere on the list. But when it came to filling that crucial third spot, the force was just stronger in Ewan.


4. Damon Albarn - Now it is time to correct an egregious omission in my past sexy lists. My recent re-discovery and obsession with Blur also helped me re-discover my old, recurring crush on the lead singer, Damon. I explained away the whole missing-out-on-Blur thing as just bad luck that they never broke through in America, but that's kind of a lame excuse now that I think about it. Because Supergrass had the same problem and I managed to dig up more info on them several years ago, despite knowing barely any of their songs and the fact that the lead singer looks like a Cro-Mag. Yet, there was Blur, occasionally reaching my ears and pleasing them every time, with a lead singer who, during his 20s and early 30s, was about the most perfect looking person on the planet. So, if the good music wasn't enough to make me seek them out, shouldn't the beautiful man have gotten me off my arse? I'm either much less shallow than I think or much, much lazier than I realize. Anyway, I always assumed Damon was gay because he was way too pretty to be straight and because he wrote the big bi party anthem, "Girls & Boys." (Sometimes I make the mistake of thinking that all lyricists write directly from their own experiences.) Turns out not only is he not gay, but he's quite the one-woman man (hot) and is practically the damn King of England; they love him so much over there. And what's not to love? He's still gorgeous (yes, even with the whole gold tooth fiasco going on in his mouth) and still making brilliant, genre-busting music with just about everyone under the sun. (Everyone, it seems, but Blur, unfortunately.) He's also one of those do-gooders who makes you reassess everything you're doing in your own life. Ah, nothing hotter than a guy who can give you an inferiority complex, eh?


5. Hugh Jackman - Yes, we're deep into the "men with accents" portion of the list. We've gone from Scottish to British to my favorite, Aussie. (Well, it's kind of a tie with Irish.) This guy is the very definition of the word "hunk." I think it should be some sort of Hollywood law that Hugh has to appear shirtless in every movie that he's in. If it's not a law already because, thankfully, it seems to happen a lot.

6. Jason Segel - In a very short span of time, Jason went from "guy I think is mildly creepy" to my #3 man (for, like, a day while I was deep in the middle of my Freaks & Geeks discovery), to the very comfortable and not at all shabby #6 spot on the list. He may not be as "conventionally" good-looking as some of my other dudes, but he's totally adorkable, and I love that. I'm not sure who coined that term, but I'm stealing it. Because that's what he is. He's Mr. Adorkable.

7. Paul Rudd - I've always thought Paul was so cute, ever since I first saw him in Clueless. But he's just gotten hotter and funnier (which adds to the hotness) over the years. His performance in I Love You, Man was a thing of beauty. He actually out-adorkabled Mr. Adorkable himself, and that's no easy task.


8. Jeremy Sisto - Okay, so I feel a little bad dropping Jeremy all the way down to #8. I mean, I've loved him ever since Clueless also. But I don't know what's going on with him. I still dig him (and that hair) but it just doesn't seem like he's aging as well as some of these other guys. Or maybe my tastes are changing. Who knows. I do know one thing - Law & Order was supposedly filming a scene right around the corner from my office yesterday morning, and I didn't spot Jeremy. But you can bet that if I had, I would've treated him like he was still #3. And then I would have ended up in jail or Bellevue.

9. Charlie Day - Charlie might very well be the funniest guy on the list, and possibly the shortest. Eddie and Paul are pretty short though too, so I'm not sure. His height is really immaterial though. He's hilarious, cute as a button, and a master of karate and friendship for everyone. And talk about your great hair. He might even have Jeremy beat in that department, but I don't know. To make an informed decision, I'd really need to have them both in front of me so I could grab a nice, big handful. Of their hair, you pigs. On their heads, you swine.

10. Dierks Bentley - Ah, the lone blonde on my list. Damon Albarn seems a bit on the blonde side, and I believe he's gone blonde on occasion, but his hair is actually more of a light brown. And you know, I'm not even completely convinced of Dierks' blondeness now that I look at his pics a bit more. I historically go for brunette men, so it's always newsworthy (to me) when I flip for a fair-haired lad. I thought Dierks looked hot when he shaved his hair off, but I have to say that I'm happy he's back to all the wild curls. Hottest. Country singer. Ever.


And yes, I know I'm totally playing favorites with the Top 4 by featuring more pictures of them. But they are the Top 4, for God's sake. (Actually, I was going to play favorites with the Top 5 until searching for pictures became so damn time consuming.)

By the way, spot the recurring theme in the Top 4's photos and win a prize*!

So, what do you all think of my hotties? Who's your Top 10? I'll bet $100 that someone says John Stamos. My last Stamos-less list brought a bunch of his crazy, grammatically-challenged worshippers out of the woodwork, so I'm sure they'll find me again.


*Probably another dumb list. And a comment from me something along the lines of, "Yay, you did it."