Thursday, December 03, 2009

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following items are curiously fascinating:

It's Hard In The PGA For A Pimp. - Oh, Tiger Woods. You dawg. Thanks for reminding us that money is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Seriously. In the real world, there would be no way that such an unattractive bore could land a hot Nordic model and get down with OPP wherever and whenever he wanted.

Yo, Mallory! Your Mom's A Lesbian. - Meredith Baxter, best-known as the patron saint of "television for women" and Family Ties' Elyse Keaton, came out as a lesbian recently. At 62, the actress said she only discovered her true sexual identity seven years ago, and that before then the possibility that she might be a fan of the pootie never crossed her mind. Well, good for Meredith for figuring her shit out. And good for me, as I am super excited for the inevitable Lifetime movie, Mother, May I Sleep With Dana?

Adam Lambert Discovers That Getting Blackballed Isn't As Fun As It Sounds - ABC continues to cancel Adam's scheduled appearances, including a spot on Jimmy Kimmel Live and a performance on Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve. He shouldn't feel too bad, since no one watches either of those shows anyway. He's trying to play nice by telling fans not to blame ABC because the cancellations are because of "FCC heat," but that's most likely a lie since both of those shows are taped and could easily be edited, should he decide to blast middle America with more radioactive gay-ma rays. I can't even tell you how bored I am with all of this now. ABC needs to get over their issues and Adam needs to figure out what he was doing on American Idol that made people love him and get back to doing it again. Or maybe Adam should just smack a bitch and ABC would love him again. It worked for Chris Brown.

Quarterbacks Make The Darndest Faces - Just when you thought that nothing would be as funny as that famous picture of Phil Rivers, along comes a fantastic shot of pretty boy Tom Brady. Who wins?

21 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Mother, May I Sleep With Dana? It doesn't get better than that. Unless they have the ghost of Dana Plato playing Tori Spelling's role this time.

carissajaded said...

I'm finally getting a little tired of hearing about the Tiger thing.. probably because everyone in my office has been talking about it non-stop...

Knot said...

I ask this honestly. Can you be a lesbian for 62 years and not know it? That's YEARS and 3 kids of denial. I always thought she was hot.

SkylersDad said...

Damn! Now I really will never have a shot with Meredith!

And nothing will ever be as ridicules as Rivers, or his photo.

J.J. in L.A. said...

I'm actually grateful for Tiger's whoreness...at least people have finally stopped talking about Michael Jackson.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Merideth Baxter Poonnanny.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I was watching the Today show and almost saw MBB's interview but when I saw the promo before they broke for commercial - coming up next MBB reveals her own shocking story - I figured it was to promote some new Lifetime movie about menopause or bladder control problems and I changed the channel. Had I only known.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I can't believe anyone's amazed that a celebrity had some stuff on the side. Or that it's any kind of news that he had a fight with his wife and crashed his car. WHO CARES? If he was caught sodomizing a goat at Macy's I can understand the press fury, but really. This is no biggie. It's a domestic issue. Hopefully she'll kick his ass again and that will be that. :)

Jules said...

I kind of think that maybe Adam's being blackballed because he keeps squealing so high that dogs keel over dead with bloody ears....It's probably NOT because of his crotch sniffing on stage. I mean, didn't Madonna used to do that??

Billy said...

The Dormant Lesbian thing confuses me, since almost every gay person I know swears they knew since they were in elementary school. Not that I care, and not that it changes my view of her; I just don't quite get it. Does this mean Anne Heche thought she was straight, realized she was a lesbian, and then found out that it was only because her heterosexuality was hibernating?

As for ABC, it won't make me stop watching their shows, but the hypocrisy of dealing with Glambert like this is utterly laughable.

J. Hi said...

Glambert needs to go on the Today show and admit that he's a lesbian and all will be forgiven.

SylersDad--I think you could turn Meredith back. ;)

Penny said...

I agree with the Adam stuff. Did you get the cd? What did you think?

Bond said...

yawn...so MB is a lesbian...I am happy for her, but it is not news...

Tiger..yup he screwed the pooch with this one (well, not in THAT way)

Adam... Adam thought he could be so famous by being so wacky...now he learns wacky just makes people want to smack you

that's it! Let Chris brown smack up on Adam and then ABC will love Adam and put him back on all those shows!

TB is a clod...nuff said

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I wonder if Tiger was always a skank or if the money made him that way?

Soda and Candy said...

I couldn't give two shits about MBB being a lesbian, but I suppose it'll help normalize it for people who are still freaked out by gayness.

Also "gay-ma rays" = genius.

Del-V said...

Of course Phillip Rivers is a drooling idiot - he went to NC State.

katrocket said...

I just read your Glambert booger to my co-worker Clark, and he said "Tell Adam he can make a guest appearance at Clark's Dick Rockin' Eve this Dec 31!"

And yes, I work at The Daily Planet. Well, more like The Gaily Planet.

CDP said...

I overheard people talking about Tiger Woods today, too. I just think he's so boring that I can't even summon a passing interest in this little scandal.

words...words...words... said...

ABC blackballing Adam Lambert (nice joke, btw) but letting Chris Brown on is all kinds of messed up.

And while I have unhealthy amounts of man love for Philip Rivers, that is one goofy ass photo that cannot be topped.

red said...

What's with all this "Tiger Woods is unattractive" nonsense? He's hott (with 2 "t"s)!

Also, I'd have Phillip Rivers' crazy Christian babies.

Tootsie said...

None can top Phil Rivers

 

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