What's Pissing Me Off Now

There's always a list.

1. Royal Nonsense

Good Lord. I cannot wait until this royal wedding is over. I guess I should be happy that Prince William is marrying someone who isn't his horse-faced cousin, but the fact is that I REALLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANY OF THESE PEOPLE. And why should I? Maybe if I were British, it would kind of make sense. (But being British wouldn't even really be a good excuse.) I think I've mentioned before that I just don't get Americans' excitement over this nonsense. Well, I still don't get it. These aren't even our obscenely rich do-nothings. They're just more damn foreigners taking things—namely, the spotlight—away from hardly-working Americans—namely, Lindsay Lohan.

And I thought I'd seen and heard just about every inane thing the media could possibly come up with, but then I found this ad for the "Future Princess Kate Middleton Fashion Figurine Collection." High demand is expected. ORDER TODAY! Or don't order it and continue on with your life, content in the knowledge that you are a perfectly sane human being.

2. Constant ads for The Voice

Stop trying to make The Voice happen, NBC! It's not gonna happen! I don't think it's just me who feels this way. I'm pretty sure no one cares. It's trying to be the antidote to shows like American Idol that focus on image as much as vocal talent but I don't buy for one second that they A) don't already know what these people look like, B) will let the offensively ugly audition, or C) won't try to make everyone over. Basically, this show is just a venue for Christina Aguilera to try to rehab her public image and make one last grasp at relevance, as well as an excuse for NBC to buy fancy chairs that spin around. The only way I would ever watch is if I could get a promise that someone would call Adam Levine a turd to his face. Seriously, who would willingly let that guy mentor them??

3. Glee/Gwyneth Paltrow

These both made my last list as separate entries, but I've decided to combine them considering that they've somehow become ONE. Hey, Ryan Murphy, here's an idea: if Gwynnie is your muse and you adore her so much, why don't you create a completely new show just for her? And then those of us who want to watch Glee won't have to be force-fed her annoying, trying-too-hard-to-be-hip character (or is it the actress who's trying too hard?) and her marginal singing talent. Since when did the show become all about a substitute teacher? Oh, probably since it started to suck.

Speaking of sucking, here's another idea, Mr. Murphy: FIX THE SHOW. Stop trying to figure out how many episodes you can jam Holly Holiday into and start trying to figure out why the dialogue has become so cheesy or why all the characters have become so unlikable or why you're dangerously veering into Afterschool Special territory. I'm all for using your power for the good of the gays, but if the leaked spoiler (stop reading now, anyone who hasn't heard about this and doesn't want to) about Kurt and Karofsky being voted Prom Queen and King, respectively, is true, well, that's just stupid. And not just because it would never happen in real life (because that never stopped me from enjoying the football team's "Single Ladies" dance) but because it would never even happen in the Glee-niverse that you've created. If the idea is to teach a lesson about acceptance, I'm not sure that making an over-the-top joke of Karofsky's apparent coming out is the most effective way to do that.

However, as much as I complain, I am DVRing the show tonight, mainly because I've been promised more Lady Gaga. And I will certainly be watching the final three episodes, mainly because I've been promised the return of Jonathan Groff. Oh, that gives me another idea, Mr. Murphy: scratch that Gwyneth-starring vehicle and create a new show for J-Groff. I won't even care about the dialogue.

4. Guilty Pleasures

I know I've mentioned often how much I hate the term "guilty pleasure." I just think it's ridiculous to be ashamed to like what you like. (How exhausting must it be to be a hipster?) For instance, I love Hanson's "Mmmbop," and I'll make no damn apologies for it. So, I was kind of annoyed when Dancing with the Stars used "guilty pleasures" as its theme last night. For one thing, isn't that kind of like the pot calling the kettle stupid? Really, is everyone proud of the fact that they watch DWTS? Hell, I'm only watching it this season because of Hines Ward and The Karate Kid. Still, I watch it and I'm not embarrassed to say so. For another thing, who would ever call "Don't Stop Believing" a guilty pleasure?? How about a muthahumpin' anthem?? And who would ever try to tango to said muthahumpin' anthem? It just didn't work. But anyway, in addition to the house band, Hanson were there to not only perform "Mmmbop" at the top of the show but to also sing snippets of other "guilty pleasure" songs like "Achy Breaky Heart" and "Ice Ice Baby." Should I feel guilty that I know all the words to all of those songs? Well, I don't. And should I feel guilty that I totally have an old lady crush on Taylor Hanson? Eff that. I'd feel guilty if I didn't show my appreciation for how fine he's grown.

5. Pearl Jam

I know...crazy, right? Well, OK, so I could never be really pissed off at them. But I've been waiting for what feels like ages for them to announce when and where their mythical summer festival will be held. Boys, I have a summer to plan! And I want you to be in it!