Saturday, May 21, 2011

Mailbag Madness: Love Letters From a McCreeper

You know, I love all of my commenters. But none give me more joy than the crazy Idol fanatics who tirelessly scour the Blogosphere to give anyone who doesn't like [insert favorite contestant's name here] what for.

I don't usually give the nuts their own special posts (the last time was back in Season 7) but I felt bad for "Ann," if that is her real name (and I have to give her mad props for even bothering to write in a name instead of using "Anonymous"), because she was really, really concerned that her comments would never be published and seen, yet her Internet ineptitude led her to leave said comments on a weeks-old post that no one would probably bother reading again, which also had almost nothing to do with what she was rambling about. So, this post's for Ann: the best little commenter in Texas. Or South Carolina. Or Utah. Or possibly Indonesia. I don't know, StatCounter is really of no help with trying to figure out where people come from. But I'd bet all my money on Texas.

first of all the chick who wrote this article clearly doesnt like country or good wholesome kids . she must like alot of screming and sexual content and bad hehavior she has no class . thats why your on the internet and we really dont know who you are . you idiot . im sure your not going to post this . you can dish it out but you cant take it . they are kids and you are trying to break them down . love you scotty and lauren. sure you wont aprove blogger
And six minutes later, fearing she hadn't gotten her point across...
who are you to say whats good and bad a whats your name lets see Beckeye nope never heard of you . scotty yep everyone has heard of him ..shut your no writing ability mouth and crawl back under that rock you came from . probly wont allow this . scarred are ya
As always, [sic] Now...where to begin?

first of all the chick who wrote this article clearly doesnt like country or good wholesome kids . she must like alot of screming and sexual content and bad hehavior she has no class .

Actually, I do like country. That doesn't mean I like anyone who picks up a mic, throws on a flannel shirt and sings a Kenny Rogers song. And I generally like wholesome kids, except for the ones who are made-for-TV wholesome. I don't know what screming is. Sexual content and bad behavior? Yes, please! You know who else likes sexual content? Scotty McCreery. Because he's going to be up to his giant ears in ass when this show is over, and he won't be saying no to any of it. As for having no class, well you've got me there. It's probably why I wasn't invited to the royal wedding. Thanks for bringing up that painful memory.

thats why your on the internet and we really dont know who you are .

Well, "Ann," I've linked to my Facebook page and the other sites for which I write, where I use my full name. So, you could get to know me if you want. Would you like to come over for tea? Or is this a dig at my non-fame? If I were famous, would it suddenly make what I have to say more interesting? I mean, Perez Hilton is famous and he just scribbles on pictures of people.

they are kids and you are trying to break them down . love you scotty and lauren.

Just like Scotty and Lauren will probably never read or care about my evil plan to break them down (because no one knows who I am), they will never know or care about your love for them. Until that day you corner them backstage at the Idol tour. In the two seconds before security ushers you out, I'm sure you'll have a chance to let them know.

who are you to say whats good and bad

A person with an opinion?

shut your no writing ability mouth and crawl back under that rock you came from .

I...wow. The irony of the first part of that sentence is just too good. I applaud you, madam.

probly wont allow this . scarred are ya

You're probably (fixed that one for you, too) wrong. In fact, the only reason your comment wasn't immediately published is because you posted it to an entry that was more than two weeks old. (This is only in place to keep the Chinese pain pill spammers away.) And how dare you bring up my surgical scar! Are you trying to break me down??

In closing, I would just like to say that you've been one of my favorite insane Idolators, "Ann." Really. Your comments made my week. But, as I tell all of your kind, the angry anonymous comment bar was raised with "racist, fat whore" back in Season 7. (Man, what a fun season that was.) So, I'm not completely convinced that you're IN IT TO WIN IT.

P.S. Scotty and Lauren are in the Finale. One of them is guaranteed to win. Both are pretty much guaranteed record deals. What are you mad about again?

14 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You came from a rock??

Dang, just when you think you know someone...

Kev S. said...

Wow....who peed in "ann's" Wheaties? she "scarred" me to death... gotta love kids....
ps..
i STILL want to see the return of General Larry Platt! :)

Cormac Brown said...

"thats why your on the internet"

Wait a minute, the Internet is "yours???" Damn it, the next time we all hang out, your [sic] picking up the tab!

"crawl back under that rock you came from ."

The slagging of Pittsburgh must mean that this is obviously Sienna Miller.

SkylersDad said...

Ann is one of the folks from Taiwan that keeps commenting on the poor writing in one of my Administration manuals I wrote.

I recognize the periods that are placed way after the end of the sentence.

So. Cal. Gal said...

"scarred are ya"

Wow! The doc who stitched you up did a damn good job! You can't even tell.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Thank you for sharing that with us. The only thing we love more than your no writing ability mouth and the fact that you are scarred, is illiterate and outraged commenters. Made my day!

BeckEye said...

Steamy - I was born with a six-gun in my hand under a bad sign, between a rock and a hard place.

Kev - Ann strikes me as more of a Cocoa Puffs gal.

Cormac - Although Al Gore invented the Internet, I perfected it. I also put up several hotels on it, from which I make loads of cash.

SkyDad - I wonder what the writing experts would have to say about someone who so dramatically spaces their periods? That's got serial killer written all over it.

So Cal Girl - Why, thank you! These bolts in my neck are still quite noticeable, though.

Barbara - Your welcome. (See what I did there? I just made you're night.)

Scope said...

As probably one of the few people who click the "Email me followup comments" button, I did see Ann's comments.

Don't you love hillbillies on the internets? Nice job on the post today.

My word ver was "annyloon".

'nuf said.

Ed said...

People never cease to amaze me.

At least she provided you blog fodder.

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Wowza, you were WAY nicer to Ms Ann than I would have been.

I mean, sure illiterate is one thing, Anne, but your comments are incoherent and don't tie back to the posts at all.

Maybe Texas... but my money's on Arkansas!

tennysoneehemingway said...

This really isn't fair. I don't get ANY illiterate commenters. And my posts are the most illiterate thing out there. What am I doing wrong again?

Logical Libby said...

Try blogging about adoption. Then they threaten your life...

Cora said...

Shut your no writing ability mouth. Pure poetry is what that is. I'm SO stealing it! Thanks, "Ann"!

words...words...words... said...

To be fair, Ann's comments were probably two weeks late because her truck wasn't running and it was a long time between trips to the liberry to get on the internet and return those Ernest DVDs.

 

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