Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Because A Vote For Me is A Vote Against Everyone Else

Friends, bloggers, American Idol addicts, lend me your ears.

Something much more important than the holiday season is upon us. Awards season. Normally, it wouldn't be important but this year is different because, you see, I am up for an award. I don't know why, but someone out there nominated me for Blogger of the Year in Grant Miller Media's Drysdale Awards.

At first I thought this was all an elaborate ruse to get me to the awards ceremony so Grant could name me Blogger of the Year, and then once I was on stage giving my acceptance speech, Kat, Dr. Zibbs, and Some Guy would pour pig's blood on my head. But then I remembered that I already shot down Mr. Miller's invitation to the Chicago-based event before the nominations were posted. So then I thought, hmmmm, maybe this is for realz, yo? Someone out there likes me! I have A fan!

However, I think I misunderestimated my popularity. You see, when voting began, I was mysteriously left off the ballot. Obviously, someone in Miller's organization felt that I was a threat to their "preferred" candidate, so they resorted to shady tactics. Clearly, I have twice as many fans as I first thought, because since I've been put on the ballot, I've received TWO votes. (And neither was from myself!) That's right! I don't just have one fan, I have two! Suck on that, Pistols! How many votes do you have, huh?? What? 16, you say? Oh. Well then. I suppose that makes you Julia Roberts to my Bonnie Hunt. Whatever. The Mexican sucked, and you've never had your own talk show, so there.

Anyway, as everyone can see, I'm pretty far behind in this horse race. And, as everyone can probably anticipate, this is the part where I start begging for votes. So...PLEASE vote for me! If not for me, do it for the bloggers you really love. Because I am not a gracious loser. I can pretty much guarantee that, even if they don't all pour pig's blood on me, I will kill them all with my mind if I come in last place. Need more reason that that? Okay. Vote for me because:

  1. I write the songs that make the whole world sing.
  2. I have kick-ass Photoshop skills.
  3. I'm a master of karate.
  4. I watch the most horrible shows on TV so that you don't have to.
  5. Oprah is my godmother.
  6. My pathetic, all-consuming obsession with Michael Johns this year made you all feel better about yourselves.
  7. My caption contests have brought out the best in all you wannabe comedians out there. In fact, you might say that I've lit a fire under your asses crotches.
  8. I've promised to install a hot tub in the Blogosphere's cafeteria. There might be a pool table in it for you people too, who knows.
  9. All the other nominees are pedophiles.
  10. As mentioned earlier, I can kill people (and start fires) with my mind. I wasn't going to bring it up again, but it's kind of big deal.
Some of these reasons might be complete bullshit, but this is an election, after all. Nothing that I say now will matter later.

So, now that you're all psyched up to vote for me, here's what you do:
  1. Click on this link to vote before 12:01 AM (CST) Christmas Day.
  2. In the sidebar, check "BeckEye" in the Blogger of the Year category.
  3. Go to this post on McGone's site and click on the picture at the top.
  4. Print out the artwork.
  5. Use White-Out to cover up the IHOB logo.
  6. Wait for White-Out to dry completely. (Perhaps during this time, you can delete all your cookies and vote for me again.)
  7. Using a Sharpie, write "The Pop Eye" over the White-Out.
  8. Stop complaining that it looks like shit. You're not voting for president.
  9. Apply double-sided tape to the back and place on your shirt so people can see.
  10. Stop complaining that it looks like shit. You're not on Project Runway.
Also, I've somehow been nominated for Blog With the Most Text Messaging Jargon and Blog With the Blurriest Pictures. These I would not like to win. Well, the first one irdc cos...omg, idk what thr even talking about. *lolz* As for the second, that one cuts me deeply. Obviously I was nominated by someone who is jealous of my superior Photoshopping ability. Someone who knew I was TFTH. I don't want to accuse anyone specifically, but I suspect that it was someone whose name rhymes with Poobomber.

So, in conclusion, let me just say that I hope you do the right thing and vote for me. I'd really love to be your first colored Blogger of the Year.

**Don't forget that I'm running an election of my own for Firecrotch of the Year. And Pistols is probably going to walk away with that, so come on! He doesn't need TWO "Of the Years!"

***UPDATE! This morning, Some Guy and I both had 2 votes, and now we both have 1. What is going on here? Someone (probably the nefarious Dr. Zibbs) must be scaring the people into changing their votes! Don't be fooled by his sweet talk and lies!! I am not planning to take away your social security!!


McGone said...

I almost feel obligated to vote for you since you will be increasing my web traffic today by at least two! But I probably won't.

And a hot tub in the cafeteria is a major health violation. Pistols would clog those filters with soggy Doritos in no time.

katrocket said...

I'd love to vote for you, but I can't. It wouldn't be fair to the "Vote for Katrocket instead of BeckEye" campaign staff.

BeckEye said...

Kat, you're Canadian! You shouldn't even be allowed to run. You are officially part of my axis of evil.

SkylersDad said...

I was going to tell you to suck it and only vote for me, until you mentioned the whole killing and fire-starting with your mind thing. I had forgotten about that, and I just got the drapes replaced last week from your last visit.

Dr Zibbs said...

If I don't win, I'm going to order someone on my staff to fly out and take a dump on the stage.

pistols at dawn said...

What I don't understand about movies like "Carrie" is that they involve these fictional high schools where the popular kids all take great pains to mock the unpopular kids. In real life, the popular kids are too busy having sex and playing football to even notice the uncool kids.

Even I didn't vote for me for blogger of the year, if that helps, although I can't remember who else I did vote for.

red said...

I didn't vote for you for blurriest pictures!

You are really great BeckEye. Man, I'm so conflicted!

words words words said...

Bonnie Hunt > Julia Roberts

Some Guy said...

You better keep your mitts off my blurriest pictures award. That's the only one that really matters to me.

CDP said...

Well I didn't even see you on the ballot. Some shady business is afoot. This whole thing is going to end up in the hands of the Supreme Court.

Gifted Typist said...

Already voted but not tellin you how
Isn't that a right in this blogocracy?

Falwless said...

At least you're UP for Blogger Of The Year. Apparently my shitty cat posts and lack of updatedness really hurt me in 2008. Fuck all of you.

I mean, good luck or whatever...

SouthernBelle said...

I voted for you twice, you adorable little comment-ho.

; )

Gwen said...

Some Guy told everyone today how to change their votes and I suspect this is where your vote went. I also happen to know he IS attending so maybe you could pull the pig's blood trick on him. I'm just sayin'.

Also, I read somewhere today that if you don't win BOY you plan to curse a lot next year in order to steal my category. God damnit, woman! Stay the fuck away from my fucking cursing category. It's all I've fucking got.

MelO said...

I already fell for that bullshit Starbucks plan and it doesn't work, BeckEye!

You're going to have to come up with another way to bribe me for my vote. The good news is, I am TOTALLY bribe-able :)

Anonymous said...

A freakin' hot tub in the breakroom? Done!

BeckEye said...

MelO, I left out the part about Starbucks. I would never associate myself with such an evil organization. They don't even know what regular iced tea is.

genn6 said...

God, I'm such a pushover. I totally just went there and voted for you, like, without a second thought. Total follower.

Poobomber said...

Your suspicions about me are unfounded. Well about the nominations anyways, the part about me being devastatingly handsome is true though.

And who nominated me for the most spam comments, was that YOOOUUU?

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I'm sooo confused...I heart you all!! The competition looks stiff and I don't know what to do-so in the immortal words of Anna Farris, "I'm definitely not going to listen to Simon. He's so mean. I usually just go with what Randy and Paula say."

sid said...


Grant Miller said...

I wish you the best of luck!

Mathdude said...

I'll vote for you when you take your word verificator off and denounce Grease.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Done! Because you've totally got it going on.


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine