Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following items are curiously fascinating:

Adam Lambert, Single: Yay! Adam Lambert's Single: Boo! - In this week's Idol-related news, Madame "I'm Not Bisexual But I Play One in the Fan Mags" Glambert recently broke up with his BF Drake LaBry, setting the stage for many "conversion" attempts by misguided, obsessed female fans. And last weekend, his new single, "For Your Entertainment" dropped like a sparkly dingleberry from a unicorn's bum, making quite a splash on radio and the Internet. The bigger splash came from my bitter, disappointed tears upon hearing the bondage fantasy song, a horribly overproduced mish-mash of Britneyesque clichés. Soon after, I came upon Lady GaGa's original demo for the totally fab song she gave Adam, "Fever," and felt a surge of hope. So, I checked out the 30-second samples of every song on the record and went back to feeling meh. And maybe "meh" is being generous. It sounds like all of the original charm has been sucked out of the Lady GaGa song and most of the other tunes are just the same old, generic radio gaga. The Pink song ("Whataya Want From Me") sounds like Pink (whom I normally like), the Ryan Tedder song ("Sleepwalker") sounds like everything else he writes, the Kara DioGuardi tracks ("Strut," "If I Had You") sound like shit (go figure), "Soaked" is like a bad off-off Broadway number, "Sure Fire Winners" is just plain ridonk, and nothing else is even worth mentioning. The only ones I kind of like based on the brief snippets are "Aftermath," even if it is somewhat generic in a combined Kelly Clarkson/David Cook sort of way, and the lead-off track, "Music Again," ONLY because it's essentially a hilarious '80s metal parody, which isn't surprising considering that it was written by The Darkness' Justin Hawkins. Hopefully though, my ability to judge songs on cursory half-minute listens isn't as good as I think it is, and this album will actually have the power to cure hunger and create permanent rainbows, as I originally thought.

Chris Brown Fights Adam Lambert For "Gayest Album Cover Ever" Crown - The cover art for Woman Beater's new record, Graffiti, debuted online on Monday to mixed fan reviews. I'm not really sure what there is to feel "mixed" about, as the cover is just about the dumbest looking thing I've ever seen, next to P. Diddly's face. Chris wasn't too happy about some of the online comments, and is about ready to punch the next person to mock the outer-spacey cover art or question his sexuality (as long as that person is a girl under 5'7"). He's since taken down his Twitter response, "WHO CARES IF MY PANTS R FITTED...IT'S CALLED FASHION," probably because his publicist told him he sounded like a damn fool and/or Kanye threatened to sue for caps-lock messaging infringement. But really, who does care about his pants when he's holding a guitar in the picture? That's what I care's called false advertising.

Rihanna Breaks Her Silence About Chris Brown's Abuse - Ten months after getting beaten up by her then-boyfriend Chris Brown, Rihanna finally talks about it in the December issue of Glamour, as well as in an interview with Diane Sawyer, set to air on tomorrow's GMA and Friday's 20/20. She told Glamour that the positive thing to come out of the incident is that she can now be the voice of battered women everywhere. I suppose that's all very nice, but it seems a bit shady that she's deciding to talk about this now, when she's gearing up to promote her new record. I mean, it's not like anyone expected her to start talking about it the next day, but if she really wanted to help victims of abuse, why would she have kept quiet for nearly a whole year? I don't want to be too cynical, but it's hard not to when the Glamour interviewer follows up one of Rihanna's responses about her "message to women" with this question: "I think that’s a great message. What about your new album? What’s it like?" Niiiiice segue.

Steve Martin And Alec Baldwin Sign On To Host Oscars - I'm all for this pairing and I'm sure it will be great. They're both funny guys. But I can't quite celebrate this news yet. I just need a week or two to get over the fact that Hugh "Best Host Ever" Jackman won't be returning. I suppose that means the Craigslist Dancers won't be back either. *sniff*

Can You Tell Me How To Get To That 40th Anniversary Party? - Hugh Jackman (and Paul Rudd!) will be appearing on Sesame Street this season, as the show celebrates 40 years on TV. The anniversary show, guest-starring Michelle Obama, will air next Tuesday. In honor of this milestone, please enjoy my favorite Sesame Street video ever, the classic "Born to Add" by Bruce Stringbean and the S Street Band. (I mentioned it and my general love of Sesame Street once before in this ancient post.)

And Cookie Monster sez...

"C is for caption contest. Don't forget to enter this month's! Me want funny captions!!"


red said...

I wasn't going to buy it anyway, but the Glambert album sounds like it will be truly atrocious.

SkylersDad said...

I just heard about Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin hosting the next Oscars, and I thought to myself it could either be pretty awesome, or really suck bad. And my first instinct is that it will suck.

Dr Zibbs said...

If you take requests I'd like to see a post on Lady Gaga and wha the appeal is about.

I just don't get that freak. Maybe you could shed some light.

words...words...words... said...

As far as Adam Lambert goes, I have stopped trying to pretend that first albums done under the yoke of the American Idol contract will be good for anything but mulch. 19 Entertainment seems to have a knack for identifying what makes a singer popular and then stomping it to death.

Billy said...

I used to mock the Disney Music Machine for being a bunch of kids who just sang and played whatever got written for them, but now I realize that about 90% of everything called "music" right now is just as much a part of this mechanized process as anything Disney does.

Hell, even getting repeatedly clocked by a boyfriend has become a commodity used for promoting an album.

It seems like more than ever we value the voice -- as in the sound of it -- over The Voice -- as in what the person has to say that's worth saying. I don't wanna go fellating Bob Dylan TOO much, but can't we at least find some way to bring the singer/songwriter back into the mainstream where they deserve to be?

Malcolm said...

The Oscar producers knew they had to come strong and get some top notch talent to host the 2010 ceremony because Hugh did one of the best jobs I've seen.

Penny said...

I hate Kara D. What a waste of American Idol Judge table.

As for Lady Gaga..she's FANTASTICO..

Movie Maven said...

The Glambert song includes the lyric "I'ma work it till you're totally blown."

I just wanted to point that out.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I dunno, Steve Martin sorta bugs me. But I will be watching anyway because who can afford to miss the fashion disasters?

Bond said...

Adam has already jumped the shark and he has not even begun his career

Mathdude said...

I'm with WWW. Don't let the craptacularness of the first album darken your/our opinion of Glambert. I'm still gonna buy it, though.

cube said...

My daughter said the same thing as WWW. Who buys American Idol music anyway?

BTW Cookie Monster is now Veggie Monster. Sad but true.

J. Hi said...

Oh Adam, what's happened to you? *Sigh*

Don't mess with GaGa, Zibbs!

Yeah, that Chris Brown album cover is bad, m'kay.


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