Thursday, July 08, 2010

Lindsay Lohan: Like Joan of Arc but with Less Heresy and More Heroin

Got my nails did special for court.Remember back in January, when Lindsay Lohan promised "more positive LOHAN MAYHEM" and a new year of "no drama?" No? Neither does she.

LiLo is finally getting more than a slap on the wrist for her (not positive) mayhem, and neither she nor her ice cream addict mother are very happy about it. I mean, being sentenced to 90 days in jail for something as minor as a probation violation?!? Probation that stemmed from two DUIs—one in which cocaine rode shotgun and one that sort of qualified as a carjacking—and her blatant refusal to subsequently attend court-ordered alcohol ed classes. Seriously...jail time for that????? Outrageous!!!

As noted train wreck expert Britney Spears told me when I called her up for comment (come on, you know she's in my Five Faves), "It's 'cause she's a celebrity y'all! They's out to get her juz 'cause she's famous 'n stuff! Oh snap! Gotta go...I'm outta Cheetos."

When Judge Marsha Revel was not moved enough by Lindsay's crocodile tears and manicurial message to be lenient, Linz told her friends that the judge is a "f**king bitch" who just hates her and is trying to make an example of her. And it's probably true. Because, in chambers, Judge Marsha was all, "I'm a pusher, Lindsay. I'm a pusher." Which probably means that she sells drugs on the side. I just hope for Lindsay's sake that the judge never gets her hands on that Burn Book.

Crack can never, never be refused by thee...Remember the good ol' days before the cell phone cams and YouTubages and Twitterlings, when celebrities could pretty much do whatever they wanted and they knew it? Now it's like people want them to take responsibility for their actions. It must be hell. I can't imagine anything worse than having your sense of entitlement stripped away. That's a form of "cruel and unusual punishment," isn't it?

Our Lady of the Sacred Crack Pipe has taken to her Twitter stream to let her followers know that the judicial system has unfairly targeted her and is infringing on her basic human rights. The exclamation point at the end of her rant (basically a quote from a random article about sentencing guidelines) is a link to the story about an Iranian woman who is facing a stoning death for committing adultery. It's unclear whether Lady Lindsay is trying to compare her situation with this woman or if she's making a plea for extradition to the magical land of Iran, where the government actually rewards criminals by letting them get stoned.

Well, here's one good thing to come out of Lindsay's predicament: another blog contest! Guess how many of the 90 days she will actually serve in prison and win a prize! (Price Is Right rules, bitches: closest without going over.) I haven't decided what the prize will be, but just enter the contest anyway. It could be a date with me or it could be a rock of crack. One never knows.

And while you're in a contest-entering mood, don't forget this month's caption contest! LiLo needs someone to perform her official Firecrotch duties while she's in the clink.


Anonymous said...

I was all happy at the sentence and then immediately skeptical because like you said, 90 days? As a celebrity? In California? Remember Paris Hilton? If she does two weeks it'll be amazing and I'll be impressed. I actually wrote a rant about her today too on my ranty spin off blog, saying many of the same things only far less eloquently (My hate took over.)

J.J. said...

The news here is saying she'll probably only serve 1/2 because of over-crowding. But I say she won't even serve a 1/3. I'm guessing 23 days, because she's gonna bitch and whine so much (shades of Paris) that they're just gonna wanna get rid of her sorry ass.

Billy said...

(1) In the spirit of extreme naivete, I'm gonna haunt Bob Barker's future grave and say LiLo will stay behind bars for 56 days. What good is making her an example if she gets to see any portion of the summer?

(2) The newest New Pornographers album is my first of theirs (although I previously had two AC Newmans and one Niko Case, so kinda sorta my first)... and I'm totally giddy about it. Didn't know what to expect going in, but the damn thing is super-catchy. At present, it's definitely in my top 5 for the year. I suspect it'll stay there. I can't much blame you for choosing them over Devo.

Jenna said...

I'm fully happy to admit that I laughed out loud when I heard she was going to jail. About time. Kudos to Judge Martha. She obviously won't do the whole stint because there's so many petty female criminals in LA apparently they don't have the space for her. I'll say 24 days, just so I don't match Veg. :) But then I bet Martha will make sure she stays in rehab for every one of those 90 days and that'll be the real prison sentence.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Come on, people! It's Lilo! Ain't no prison cell gonna hold her! Eight days.

And I'll take that day AND that rock of crack, Beckeye.

SkylersDad said...

I will be amazed if she does longer than 2 weeks. And I predict a guard will get caught on tape getting a BJ from her for bringing in her coke.

Hows that for predictions?

Flannery Alden said...

I predict 8 days.

Soda and Candy said...

One and a half days. She'll ski out on a mountain of fresh Colombian snow.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

My hope is for 120 days after the judge sees her tweets...

but in reality, it will only be 22 days

Just Dave said...

38 days, if she lives.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

For the days in prison thing, I'll take 41.

I also bet she finds a way to get drugs in there.

She was so cute in that Parent Trap movie and so talented. Sad.

red said...

"Made out with a hot dog? That was one time!"

I say 15 days.

Heather said...

If she actually goes to jail I'm going with 11. But there's a high probability she's get house arrest.

gennifer6 said...

I'll go 34 days. It was the first number that came to me, and I figure a month with good behaviour the judge may loosen up some.
I still wanna party with this girl just once, ya know.

words...words...words... said...

Red took the answer I was going to give, so I'm going to Price Is Right her ass.

16 days.

Heff said...

18 DAYS.

Cora said...

See, now you're making me wanna go watch Mean Girls again. Bitch.

I say 10 days. Ten days of full-on LiLo drama.


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