Lindsay Lohan: Like Joan of Arc but with Less Heresy and More Heroin

Remember back in January, when Lindsay Lohan promised "more positive LOHAN MAYHEM" and a new year of "no drama?" No? Neither does she.

LiLo is finally getting more than a slap on the wrist for her (not positive) mayhem, and neither she nor her ice cream addict mother are very happy about it. I mean, being sentenced to 90 days in jail for something as minor as a probation violation?!? Probation that stemmed from two DUIs—one in which cocaine rode shotgun and one that sort of qualified as a carjacking—and her blatant refusal to subsequently attend court-ordered alcohol ed classes. Seriously...jail time for that????? Outrageous!!!

As noted train wreck expert Britney Spears told me when I called her up for comment (come on, you know she's in my Five Faves), "It's 'cause she's a celebrity y'all! They's out to get her juz 'cause she's famous 'n stuff! Oh snap! Gotta go...I'm outta Cheetos."

When Judge Marsha Revel was not moved enough by Lindsay's crocodile tears and manicurial message to be lenient, Linz told her friends that the judge is a "f**king bitch" who just hates her and is trying to make an example of her. And it's probably true. Because, in chambers, Judge Marsha was all, "I'm a pusher, Lindsay. I'm a pusher." Which probably means that she sells drugs on the side. I just hope for Lindsay's sake that the judge never gets her hands on that Burn Book.

Remember the good ol' days before the cell phone cams and YouTubages and Twitterlings, when celebrities could pretty much do whatever they wanted and they knew it? Now it's like people want them to take responsibility for their actions. It must be hell. I can't imagine anything worse than having your sense of entitlement stripped away. That's a form of "cruel and unusual punishment," isn't it?

Our Lady of the Sacred Crack Pipe has taken to her Twitter stream to let her followers know that the judicial system has unfairly targeted her and is infringing on her basic human rights. The exclamation point at the end of her rant (basically a quote from a random article about sentencing guidelines) is a link to the story about an Iranian woman who is facing a stoning death for committing adultery. It's unclear whether Lady Lindsay is trying to compare her situation with this woman or if she's making a plea for extradition to the magical land of Iran, where the government actually rewards criminals by letting them get stoned.


Well, here's one good thing to come out of Lindsay's predicament: another blog contest! Guess how many of the 90 days she will actually serve in prison and win a prize! (Price Is Right rules, bitches: closest without going over.) I haven't decided what the prize will be, but just enter the contest anyway. It could be a date with me or it could be a rock of crack. One never knows.

And while you're in a contest-entering mood, don't forget this month's caption contest! LiLo needs someone to perform her official Firecrotch duties while she's in the clink.