Monday, February 27, 2006

And Now I'm Back, From Outer Space...

Ok, so I've been a bad, bad blogger. I just hope that my prolonged absence hasn't left me just a figment of my audience's collective memory. I still can't believe I have an audience and this is how I treat it. For shame, for shame. So, anyway, enough groveling. Back to my inane pop culture ramblings already in progress.

Just because I haven't written in over 2 weeks doesn't mean I haven't been taking things in. I'm absorbing. I've absorbed. I'm saturated with pop culture. Call me SpongePop BeckEyePants. Please. I love that name. I just made it up. And here we go.

Celebrities continue to prove my theory (it really was MY theory, FIRST) that they die in threes:

Last weekend, the entertainment world lost 3 well-known actors. The first to go was Don Knotts, and I admit that I was pretty bummed out about that. I love that guy. He was always effortlessly funny. I loved him on The Andy Griffith Show as Barney Fife, which was his best-known role, although he was seemingly in everything. Personally, my favorite Don Knotts role was Luther Heggs in The Ghost and Mr. Chicken. If you haven't seen that movie, rent it this instant. I don't care how old you are or how cool you think you are, that movie is absolutely hilarious. Ahh, they just don't make 'em like that anymore - movies or comedic actors.

The next to go was Dennis Weaver, best known for his roles on Gunsmoke and McCloud. I've never seen McCloud and only a handful of Gunsmoke eps, but I recognize Weaver as being another of those ubiquitous actors. I remember him most for his role on a Twilight Zone episode, "Shadow Play". It's a very interesting premise that deals with reality and the possibility that we all might just be characters in someone's dream, and he gave a great performance.

Number three was Darren McGavin - yet another great character actor. He has quite an extensive resume, but he is usually remembered as Kolchak from The Night Stalker or as the hilarious Dad in A Christmas Story. He always seemed like one of those guys who would probably be a really nice person offscreen...a real likability always managed to fill his onscreen personas.

Rest in peace, gentlemen.

Celebrities continue to prove that they are not cut out for relationships:

Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora are the latest couple to call it quits. I used to have a RAGING crush on Richie. Somewhere along the line though, I stopped waiting for him. This news doesn't have nearly the effect on me that it would've 9 years ago.

Supposedly TomKat (I nearly vomit everytime I say or write that stupid mish-mashed moniker) is breaking up too. I don't even care. Normally, I'd find humor in Tom's misfortunes. But he's just beyond annoying to me now. He's positively exhausting. Now when I see his fake Pepsodent smile, I don't even recoil, I just go numb.

Madonna somehow continues to get press for doing absolutely nothing:

Since she's a washed-up has-been (sorry Madge loyalists, but she is) she has to worm her way into the papers with tales of her very British riding accident. She fell off a horse sometime last summer, didn't die, wasn't paralyzed, yet for some reason this story continues to pop up in the news. Reporters with nothing better to do (hello - couples are breaking up left and right!) are tracking her progress. Apparently her injuries included 3 cracked ribs, a broken hand and broken collarbone. Oh come on, she broke more bones that that during the Detroit Pistons gangbang of '98. She's fine.

Paris Hilton somehow continues to get press for doing less than Madonna:

She's fighting with Mischa Barton over boys. She's dating a guy who isn't even old enough to drink. What's the next amazing item the presses are stopped for? I can see it now: PARIS HILTON GIVES LIV TYLER A WEDGIE. Oooooooooh. Exciting stuff.

People continue to not care about the Olympics:

I think it's funny that no one watches the Olympics, yet if an American wins gold for anything, they're like, "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAHHHHHH - USA! USA! USA!" Odd. Anyway, it's become obvious in recent years that the Olympics isn't the sweeps force to be reckoned with anymore. (Well, not obvious enough to me considering I was stupid enough to think that CSI would be in reruns and missed the last two episodes.) Going up against Survivor, American Idol and Dancing with the Stars, the Olympics could barely compete. Now, if the Olympic committee were smart, they would just chuck all these sports and start having Olympic events where idiots sing off-key, take part in pointless challenges while pointing fingers at everyone and dance badly while wearing cheesy outfits. Or maybe they should just replace the Olympics with a Road Rules/Real World Challenge.

Britney Spears continues to amaze with her stupidity:

Apparently, Britney thinks her voice is getting better just from singing nursery rhymes to her son. She was quoted as saying, "I'll sing 'Mary Had A Little Lamb'. And I make up stuff. I found out after the baby that I can sing!" It's always nice to find out in the middle (I'm hoping it's actually the tail end) of your career that you can sing. It's great that the fact that she couldn't sing all these years never stopped her from pursuing her dream. The dream of making 90% of the population poke their eardrums out with sharp objects. Although, I'm really not convinced that she's experienced this turnaround. Just because a 4-month old baby doesn't run screaming from the room when you're singing, Brit, doesn't mean that you're good. He just doesn't have the ability to walk upright, and he's gonna stay where the milk is. I'd get a second opinion if I were you.

Barbara Walters continues to have the best job in the world:

Baba Wawa gets to interview Patrick Dempsey, Matthew McConaughey and George Clooney on her pre-Oscar special. Not only is she annoying but she is one lucky bitch. Clooney really doesn't do much for me these days, but give me a Dempsey-McConaughey sandwich any day of the week. It's been leaked that Patrick will reveal that he is dyslexic. He can't do "cold readings", so he likes to receive scripts in advance so that he has time to memorize his lines. Matthew also has trouble reading his lines, but mostly because he's always nicely baked.

I continue to love John Travolta:
Gotta give a belated birthday shout-out to Johnny, who turned a gorgeous 52 on February 18. John's birthday is the day before mine, which I was always sure "meant something" when I was a kid. As it turns out, all it meant was that we would get older around the same time. John is 19 years older than me, and because those damn men seem to age so much better than women, I can pretty much guarantee that he looks 19 times better than I will when I'm his age.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news items are curiously fascinating:

Celebrities Continue to Die in Threes - True. First there was Coretta Scott King, then Chris Penn, and most recently, groovy Grandpa Munster, Al Lewis. Now, you may argue that King wasn't really a "celebrity", but I disagree. After all, if we're living in a society that would consider William Hung a celebrity and not Coretta Scott King...I'm moving to Antarctica.

Sheryl Crow and Lance Armstrong Split - I hope you will all respect their privacy during this difficult time. Next!

I'm Not The Only One Who Doesn't Want Paris Hilton Anywhere Near Me - Brian Quintana (aka Some Guy We Won't Remember in A Week) claims that Paris put a hit out on him after he told Paris's umpteenth new boyfriend that she has an STD. I got bored halfway through the article, but I found this little snippet highly amusing:

"Hilton's publicist, Elliot Mintz, told that Quintana was trying to humiliate the heiress to gain media attention for himself. 'I just listened to his descriptions of Paris' conduct and they're totally contradictory to my knowledge of her,' Mintz told, adding later: 'She doesn't have herpes. She doesn't have a drug problem.'"

Being in PR myself, I know a publicist would never lie. And Mintz didn't lie, he just didn't tell the whole truth. Because what he really meant was, "She doesn't have herpes, she has gonorrhea. She doesn't have a drug problem. Because her nose is so long and skinny, much like an anteater's, she has absolutely no problem snorting blow on a regular basis."

Britney Spears Is Still A Moron - You heard it here first! Mama Brit was caught driving with her baby sitting on her lap, instead of in a car seat. The Sheriff's department is not pursuing charges because, well, she's famous and gives all the cops wood. Brit's defense? She claimed that she was afraid of the paparazzi. "I instinctively took measures to get my baby and me out of harm's way, but the paparazzi continued to stalk us," she said. "I love my child and would do anything to protect him." Oooooo...k. If she was afraid that the crazy photogs were going to chase her, why wouldn't she protect her kid from a possible car accident by putting him in the damn car seat?? I can actually hear her brain cells dying. And believe me, they're happy to be out of her head.

American Idol Still Chugging - Now that I have cable, I get to watch AI. I'm actually disgusted with myself for being so addicted to it, but it's too late to change now. Apparently, that's the show's attitude as well because everything is the same. These "bad auditions" are good for a laugh, but I'm tired of the judges sitting there, acting as if their time is so valuable. We all know that the truly bad singers wouldn't get past the screeners unless they were sure they would make for good TV. So, Simon, Paula and Randy...the jig is up, it's been up, so lighten up or don't bother parading the "best of the worst" through the audition rooms. You want them there. You need them there. Smile. And Simon, give me a call because (against my better judgement) I still think you're sexy as hell.

Joy and Pain....Sunshine and Rain

Ok, so obviously I'm ecstatic about my beloved Steelers winning the Super Bowl this year. It's been a long time, and I'm mighty proud of my boys. It was a long, hard road to victory, but we made it. It certainly wasn't the best game they played all year, but we still found a way to win. That's what champions do.

On the flipside, I'm a bit depressed. Sad because I missed this. Why did my team have to wait until I left town to get their one for the thumb? What am I, black and gold kryptonite? What the hell?? I'm very upset that I couldn't be at that victory parade. Especially after reading in that article that some guy drove all the way down from Boston to be there. Well, he probably has that luxury with his job. My bosses are pretty flexible, but I don't feel like I can just say, "hey my team won the Super Bowl, I'm taking a few days off" after only being at this job a little over 2 months.

So, right now I'm full of Pittsburgh pride and I'm not there. It's a bit strange. But I guess it doesn't matter where I am, I'll always crave Primanti's sandwiches and I'll always bleed black and gold. You know how it can take the girl out of Pittsburgh, but you can't take the Pittsburgh out of the girl.

Hey, this all reminds me of a Michael Stanley Band song from long ago. One of my favorite, oft-forgotten '80s tunes. I think those guys were from Cleveland, but no matter. On the local radio stations, they used to dub in people yelling "Pittsburgh" during the chorus. (Those two beats before the "alright".) No doubt every town had their own little version of it. I'm feeling nostalgic, so I'll post the lyrics here.

My Town
This old town's been home long as I remember
This town's gonna be here long after I'm gone
East side, West side - give up, or surrender
Been down, but I still rock on...

Oh, and this town is my town -- alright?
Love or hate it, it don't matter
'cause I'm gonna stand and fight
This town is my town
She's got her ups and downs
But love or hate it, it don't matter
'cause this is my town

This old town is where I learned about lovin'
This old town is where I learned to hate
This town, buddy, has done its share of shovin'
This town taught me that it's never too late

Oh, and this town is my town -- alright?
Love or hate it, it don't matter
'cause I'm gonna stand and fight
This town is my town
She's got her ups and downs
But love or hate it, it don't matter
'cause this is my town

This is MY TOWN
This is MY TOWN
This is MY TOWN...

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Where is Nelson Muntz when I need a good "Ha-Ha!"

Occasionally when I'm surfing the web, I'll find something that restores my faith in God and humanity. Today it was this.

Apparently, Heather Graham's new show, Emily's Reasons Why Not got the axe after only one aired episode. Now, it's a little distressing to me how much I'm truly reveling in another person's misfortune, but I just can't help being happy about this. I never saw the show, and with only one episode I guess it was easy to miss, but I can imagine why it would be cancelled. In fact, I've compiled BeckEye's Reasons Why Emily's Reasons Why Not Was Shit-Canned:

* Heather Graham can't act.
* When I say she can't act, I mean she is quite possibly the worst actress to ever be inflicted on the public.
* I would bet $100 that she still reads from cue cards.
* Usually when she's in an acting bind, Heather can rely on taking her clothes off to keep people entertained. She can't do that on TV, so she was actually required to show some acting ability.
* Heather Graham can't act.

I guess that's technically only one reason, but when you have such a good reason to cancel a show, what more do you need? Now, if the ABC execs were smart and wanted to keep little Miss Annoying around, they would rename the show Heather Graham Can't Act, and then it would have the train-wreck appeal of The Anna Nicole Show or American Idol: The Best of the Worst. And, to quote Homer Simpson, "it's funny 'cause it's true".


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine