Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Looks Like Jacko Wasn't the Wacko One

You know, for years, people talked about how nutty Michael Jackson was. But now that he's dead, it's the so-called "normals" who are going off the deep end.

Exhibit A: Distraught fans are killing themselves. Too bad they didn't stick around long enough to receive a sign that it's all going to be okay. Something like...

Exhibit B: (High?) fans are seeing Michael's face in the clouds*. (I guess that makes them Ma ma say, ma ma sa, Mammatus clouds! Heyyy-o!) Apparently, he was hovering over NYC on Friday night and I didn't even notice.

Exhibit C: The reporters have GONE WILD!**

Wow, you'd think a talking head in Vegas would've dealt with his fair share of drunken idiots by now. He's gonna get sued for more beer money now.

*Best part = The reporter, appropriately named Jeanne Moos, saying she wanted to milk the clouds.

** Best part = The look of horror on the female anchors' faces. I don't think this was the first time they've seen Steve's temper in action.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Monday Morsels

Consider this the half-assed, less interesting version of Eye Boogers.

Fred Travelena died today. I remember him from frequent appearances on Hollywood Squares, but he's best known for being a marginally-better-than-Rich Little impressionist. I was going to make some horrible joke about how he did great impressions of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson, but I just can't. I'll leave that up to people who are holding non-refundable tickets to Hell. Like Poobomber.

Today is Gary Busey's 65th birthday. Send him a card or he will pull your endocrine system out of your body.

My roomies (The Missus and The Mister) and I walked up to the Apollo Theater on Thursday night to hang with all of the Michael Jackson fans who had gathered to pay tribute. (I've asked The Mister to send me the video he took, but he's a bigger procrastinator than I am, so I may never get to post it.) After a wee bit of singing and dancing on the very crowded sidewalk, we nearly choked to death from all the exhaust the news vans were putting out, so we went home and drank prosecco and ate a shit-ton of cheese while watching MTV's MJ video marathon. We were also sickened by the fact that some opportunistic slug had set up an operation where he would take pictures in front of the "In Memory Of" marquee and then try to charge people $5 for them, like it was a damn amusement park ride or tourist attraction.

On Friday afternoon, I spotted Kristen Johnston at 23rd and 10th Ave, walking her dog. Sometimes when I see celebrities, I'm not 100% sure they are who I think they are, but there's no mistaking that Amazon woman. Her doggie was super cute.

Then, on Friday night, I got into an hour-long argument with The Mister over whether or not "Black or White" was an "awesome" song (my opinion) or "just good" (his). Yes, we constantly fight about the dumbest shit and, yes, alcohol is usually involved. Whose side are you on, dear readers? (The stupid rap in the middle doesn't count, by the way.)

American Idol
will pay tribute to the King of Pop by re-airing its Michael Jackson theme night this evening. The highlights, of course, will be the awesome (not debatable) Adam Lambert singing the aforementioned, awesome "Black or White," while wearing an awesome blue leather jacket that I want really badly, and Megan Joy's awesome "caw caw" heard round-the-world. Hey, here's a fun little activity: Watch the show while reading my awesome recap! Especially if you're a Gokey fan, because it might have been the last time I said anything remotely nice about that turd. Can you take this much awesomeness??

Breckin "Where's your sense of pit hospitality?" Meyer posted a hilarious spoof of the Perez "Violence is never the answer!!" Hilton rant on Funny or Die, so check it out. And ZOMG!!!1 Zac Efron makes a cameo!!

Sunday, June 28, 2009


When will our pop cultural icons stop dying??? This is getting ridiculous.

Master infomercial pitchman and Pittsburgh native Billy Mays died this morning. Like Michael Jackson, he was only 50 years old.

Apparently Billy complained that he didn't feel well before going to bed on Saturday evening and, earlier that day, he was hit in the head by some baggage during a rough landing on a Saturday flight to Tampa. Whether or not that played a role in his passing hasn't been determined yet.

Rest in peace, Billy. I'm sure you'll be a very popular guy up in Heaven. Someone has to keep all of those white robes looking shiny and new. Now they won't just be clean - they'll be Oxi-Clean.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

He's Out of Our Lives

I was just talking about celebs dying in threes, since we've just lost two major TV stars in the past week (not to mention Kung Fu legend David Carradine earlier this month), and now the music industry is down one giant.

Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, is dead at 50.

I can't believe it.

The kids on the street outside my apartment are blasting Thriller right now. *sigh*

I just had a flashback to the night that the "Thriller" video premiered...how I could think of nothing else all day and how I commandeered the TV and waited anxiously for it. And how I was not disappointed.

I know that Michael has been the subject of ridicule in recent years because of his legal battles, obsession with plastic surgery, and odd behavior, but that tabloid stuff won't be his legacy. I think his passing will sadden anyone who grew up with his music. Whatever you thought of him, there is no denying the impact and influence that he had on the world of music, and popular culture in general.

There will never be another Michael Jackson.

Enjoy some of my favorite MJ tunes...

And that video against which all other videos are still measured, 26 years later...

Another TV Icon Gone

I knew that when Ed McMahon died a couple of days ago, he wouldn't be the only celeb we'd be losing this week. It's one of those freak forces of the universe that celebrities always die in threes.

The second in this inevitable pattern is Farrah Fawcett, who lost her battle with cancer early this morning.

As with McMahon's death, I also feel a little sad about Fawcett's passing, even though I never thought much about her through most of my adult life - except to occasionally think of how lucky she was to have snagged both the Six Million Dollar Man and Ryan O'Neal.

Farrah played a much larger role in my childhood, as I coveted her hair and was a faithful Charlie's Angels viewer. A friend of mine had the Angels dolls, and I remember that when we played, I always insisted on being "Jill." I suppose Farrah was someone that many of us as young girls wanted to grow up to be.

May she rest in peace.

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

According to the ol' calendar on the wall, Sunday marked the first day of summer. However, it's never officially summer for me until I hear this song - "Summertime Girls by Y&T.

Okay. NOW it's summer. I just felt the temperature rise.

Or maybe I'm just getting hot watching all of these long-haired dudes wearing half tops and short shorts. Because, really, what's sexier than that?

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Famous Mr. Ed

As I'm sure you've all heard by now, Ed McMahon passed away yesterday.

I try not to dwell on celebrity deaths too much, but I guess this is one that deserves to be mentioned.

I was only a casual Tonight Show viewer, and never thought I had any strong feelings - good or bad - about McMahon. Yet, when I first heard this news, I felt sad. I even got a bit misty when I read this article in USA Today. I'm not really sure why.

Maybe it's because he was stricken with bone cancer - and I feel sad for anyone who has to go through that kind of suffering.

Maybe it's because I never missed an episode of Star Search back in its heyday.

Maybe it's because he was America's sidekick.

Maybe it's because of that awesome laugh.

Maybe it's because every time we lose an entertainment icon, we seem to gain 5 celebutards.

Maybe it's because he was so ingrained in the fabric of pop culture that his absence is much more noticeable than his presence.

Or maybe it's just because he seemed like a good guy. It's always sad to lose one of those.

Monday, June 22, 2009

As If You Needed More Proof That Hollywood is Just High School for Rich People...

Celebs be feudin'!

I guess David Letterman and Sarah Palin rubbed off on more than a few stars over the past week or so, as petty fights are breaking out all over this land of ours.

1. Al Roker vs. Heidi (no, I will not call her Heidi Pratt, because I don't believe that they're actually married for realsies) Montag and Spencer Pratt

Last Monday, Speidi stopped by Today, where they were interviewed by Roker as part of their "I'm A Celebutard Who Got Out of I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! But That Doesn't Mean That I'm Going to Stop Talking About The Brief Time I Was There" press tour. Roker made the mistake of trying to get these two missed opportunities for abortion to answer the simplest of questions, which prompted the couple to later complain to MTV that he was just a big meanie, possibly possessed by the devil. The feud continued on Thursday with Roker telling Jimmy Fallon that he had no idea who "Speidi" was (he thought it might have been Tobey Maguire) and that he thought some type of jungle slug must have eaten their brains. Silly Al. Slugs can't eat what isn't there.

If you want the whole story, feel free to click on those links, although, for legal reasons, I can't actually encourage you to do so. I'm not going to be held responsible if any of you gouge your eyes out or burn down a Starbucks. The second link does have something to teach you, though. If you've always thought that people who speak in third person are the ultimate douchebags, Flesh Beard proves that they're merely the penultimate when he refers to the manufactured entity "Speidi" in third person.

2. Perez Hilton vs. Will.i.am

Just when I thought there wasn't a feud that I would care less about than the above, along come these two idiots. To explain this situation, I have to forget how old I am and that I am friends with the English language. I hope you'll forgive me.

Sunday wuz the Much Music Awards (in Toronto, yo!) and obvs Fergie wuz there 'cause, you know, the Peas r awesomeee. So, Fergie goes up to Perez and is like, "hey, u got sumptin' against our band?" and Perez acts like a little bitch!! So, Fergie is totally hurt 'n upset so she runs over to will.i.am and is like, "OMG dude, he's sooooooooooo rude! I'm like crying!!!" Course will gets salty, 'cause that's his girl, you know? So, he's like, "Oh, I'm gonna say sumptin'." He goes up to Perez and is like "don't talk about me no more" and Perez is all "yeah maybe." And will starts yellin that Perez is disrespecting him...and can u believe that Perez tells will that he DOESN'T respect him? SRSLY! And will is all like, "oh whatever man," and then Perez is all, "yo man, you're a faggot," and the fans are totally WHOA! and will is like, "What??" and everyone got all crazy and shit. Then Perez tried to shove off and will followed him outside and his manager Polo totally punched him in da face!!!!1 Perez is all bloody and started tweeting all his fans for help cos the cops told him it wasn't an emergency. So the fans called the cops and they finally came and now Polo gots to go to court for assault! Ca-raaaazy shiiiiiit!!

Okay, I'm back.

Perez and Will.i.am both posted videos giving their sides of the story, and while Will's isn't that interesting, Perez comes off like Chris Crocker 2.0 in his, so it's 20% annoying, 20% hilarious, and 60% ridonk. Usually, I might be inclined to agree with the statement that "violence is never the answer" if anyone but Perez Hilton were making it, but seriously, if anyone ever needed a beat-down, it's that jackass.

Now, GLAAD is getting in on the feud by demanding that Perez apologize for being a member of the gay community who purposely used the (other) F word, imagining it to be "the worst possible thing" he could have called Will.i.am.

3. Danny Gokey vs. Adam Lambert

Speaking of "teh gay," this feud, which actually seems to be between Gokey's and Lambert's fans rather than the two guys themselves, all started with some homophobic comments made by Gokey's cousin, Talea, on Facebook. (That link will take you to Oh No They Didn't [ONTD], an online community that has saved all of the original photos and comments, for fear of inevitable edits and/or deletion.)

It seems that, during the AI season, the Idols went to dinner one night with The Gokeys. Danny, presumably to embarrass Adam, brought along one of the more glamtastic pics from Adam's party boy days and asked him to sign it for someone (whoever "Stephanie" is). Apparently, Adam wasn't very happy about it but obliged, and later posed for photos with Talea and other family members. Talea showed her appreciation by talking some smack about Adam in the captions, and her friends left quite a few nasty comments.

Then, Gokey added fuel to the fire with this nonsensical statement, made during a Comcast live chat:
"Yes. I accept gay people, but people have to accept my beliefs. We have to accept their beliefs, but they have to accept my beliefs. We agree to disagree. I don't judge people, but at the same time, if they believe in what they believe, they have to accept me and what I believe. But I accept anybody as they come. That's my character and my personality."

What happened next I still don't fully understand because I am not a Twitterer. But according to this MTV.com article, "ONTD users created a Twitter hash tag — #gokeyisadouche — and decided to include it in their respective Tweets until it made it all the way to #1 on the site's Trending Topics (which it eventually did, overtaking #iranelection at the top of the list). That, of course, caused even more people to begin Googling "Gokey is a douche" (because, really, most people had no idea what was happening), sending the term rocketing up the Google Trends list."

Wow, that makes my head hurt.

Look, I'm not Smuggie's biggest fan, so I can't help but smile when I hear that "Gokey is a douche" is a top search term anywhere because, although I don't know him personally, he most likely IS a douche. But even though I enjoyed ripping him apart in my Idol recaps (that is part of my unpaid schtick, after all), I think the fans are acting like a bunch of little kids on a playground here. Danny Gokey is a nobody. He's really not worth all the effort. And Adam's a big boy. He can take care of himself.

The fan feud is probably still boiling, but Danny and Adam both tweeted that they have no beef with each other, and that everyone should cool out on the gossip. Whether or not that's completely true doesn't really matter. They're tired of all the sandbox drama. Adam is more concerned with recording his debut album and Danny would just like to enjoy his last few minutes of fame before being forgotten and then hitting the Midwest rib festival circuit with Jon Brennan.

For me, the most disturbing part of all this nonsense is the fact that Adam actually caved and joined Twitter, especially after he publicly said that he wasn't interested in it. I can't believe he went over to the dark side. I thought we were going to be the last two on Earth not tweeting...and then it would have been our responsibility to repopulate the world with people who wouldn't be so completely reliant on useless social networking tools. Ah, well. It was a nice dream while it lasted.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week (and Some Pointing and Laughing)

Today's video was inspired by a juicy little news item posted on VFTW yesterday. Seems that Dadchuleta (remember that crazy, Bonaduce-looking bastard, Idol fans?) got caught with his pants down, literally, at a Utah "massage parlor." I guess since Little Archie lost the AI crown to David Cook last year, Dadchuleta had to go looking for his happy ending elsewhere. Well, he found it. Unfortunately for him, his magic rainbow led him straight to court, where he paid a $582.00 fine and pleaded no contest, which is, as his idiot lawyer so eloquently put it,"Not a not guilty plea by any means, it's not a guilty plea by any means...it's just saying 'I don't want to deal with it'." In other words, he knows he's guilty but he doesn't have the balls to admit it. It's the Fonzie defense, for people who can't say they're wr-r-r-r-r....wr-r-r-r-r.

I was looking for a video that would somehow tie into all of this mess and was bummed to find out that there isn't an official video (at least not one that the Internetz knows about) for Quarterflash's "Night Shift," the theme song from the brilliantly funny film of the same name. That led me to Google search for "songs about prostitution," and I was pleased to find many. I thought about posting "Family Man" by Hall & Oates because that seemed so appropriate, but I effing hate that song. So, I just went with one that I've actually been thinking about posting for a while - Nick Gilder's "Hot Child in the City". Enjoy.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following items are curiously fascinating:

LiLo Comes To My Rescue - Clearly sympathizing with me and other entertainment bloggers regarding the lack of celebutarding in recent weeks, Lindsay Lohan decided to post a provocative, semi-nude pic of herself on this Twitter thing all the kids are talking about. Of course, she claims it was done out of boredom, but I know our girl was just trying to help us out. Let this be a lesson to you bleeding hearts who occasionally go into "leave the poor girl alone" mode. If we don't give her attention, she will die. I don't want that on my conscience. But mostly, I don't want to lose a constant source of entertainment. Not that this recent Lady Godiva-esque photo is really all that exciting, but the news that LiLo might be a jewel thief is pretty awesome.

People Reveals Its Hottest Bachelors of '09 - Adam Lambert made the list. All is right with the world. Thank goodness, because I really don't have the energy to burn any buildings down today.

CMT Awards Ceremony Becomes The Taylor Swift Show - I didn't watch the show, and I'm very happy about that. Apparently, Taylor Swift won a bunch of stuff for being a not-very-good singer who makes average videos, rapped with T-Pain, and performed "Pour Some Sugar on Me" with Def Leppard. Eegads. So, here's all you really need to see from the show - Dierks Bentley's performance. Oh my. I would love to pour some sugar on that.

Kennywood Still Rocks and Roll(er)s - To celebrate the 125th anniversary of that most wondrous creation, the American roller coaster, the New York Daily News compiled its list of the Top 10 coasters of all-time. While it saddens me that I haven't been on nearly enough of them, it warms my heart to find that Pittsburgh's very own Thunderbolt, housed in Kennywood Park for 85 years, still made the cut. It's a fantastic ride. I do have to take issue with the inclusion of Coney Island's Cyclone though. I realize it's an American icon and all, but that doesn't mean it's fun to ride. Unless, of course, you're a masochist or enjoy spending quality time with your chiropractor.

Sarah Palin Accepts David Letterman's Apology - Letterman finally apologized for making crude jokes about Palin's daughter, Bristol. Palin accepted, then made the following statement: "Letterman certainly has the right to ‘joke’ about whatever he wants to, and thankfully we have the right to express our reaction. This is all thanks to our U.S. military men and women putting their lives on the line for us to secure America's right to free speech. In this case, may that right be used to promote equality and respect." Oh, politicians. Is she kidding with that? I'm sure all of our forces over in Iraq are happy to know that this is what they're fighting and dying for. And if we have the right to "free speech," why does it seem like people (celebs, mainly) are increasingly being forced to apologize for exercising it?

Monday, June 15, 2009

See What Happens When the Celebutards Go M.I.A.?

All I've got is the ridunkulous feud between David Letterman and Sarah Palin.

I'm sure you've all heard by now that Letterman used Palin's recent trip to NYC as an opportunity to make some off-color jokes about her daughter, Bristol. Or at least he thought they were about Bristol. Turns out that Palin's 14-year-old daughter, Willow (where in the eff does she come up with these names?), was the one who accompanied her mother to New York. So, Palin assumed that Letterman was actually making jokes about her younger daughter being hit on by Elliot Spitzer and getting knocked up by A-Rod.

I assumed that most normal people would think:
1. The first joke was more of a dig at Elliot Spitzer than anyone.
2. The second one was a nod to A-Rod's philandering ways, as well as a reminder that Bristol is, in fact, a teenage mom.
3. Neither of these jokes had anything to do with the 14-year-old because, not only is that gross, but it also doesn't make any sense.

I either assumed wrong, or Sarah Palin is not a normal person. She and her supporters are calling for Letterman's head, and Palin suddenly thinks she's heading up NOW.

Sure, it may be in poor taste to make sexual jokes about a young girl, even an 18-year-old, but I doubt there would have been such an uproar had the joke been made about, say, Jamie Lynn Spears. And I'm sure there have been worse jokes made about her...possibly even on this very blog.

As far as the politicians' rally cry of "Don't pick on my family," if they're of age and in the public eye, they're fair game for comedians, talk show hosts, gossip rags, and bloggers. That's just the way it goes. Palin complained to Matt Lauer on Today that Obama's family was never picked on (would that have made her feel better?), but his girls are 8 and 11. They haven't done anything yet that's worth ridiculing! And, come on, it's not like this is something brand new. The Bush girls were constantly skewered on late night TV as hard-partying airheads, and the media made some pretty brutal attacks on Chelsea Clinton's looks.

Sure, Letterman's poorly-researched jokes may have been low blows, but Palin's eagerness to pounce on him and go so far as to suggest that he's a pedophile (or at least a pervert) who condones child rape is even lower. She refused to accept Letterman's explanation that the comments were about Bristol, telling Lauer, "You and anybody else are extremely naive to believe that very convenient excuse." So, it's naive to believe Letterman's totally logical assertion that the joke about one of Palin's daughters getting knocked up was meant for the one who actually did get knocked up, but it makes perfect sense to jump to the conclusion that David Letterman is a pervy old man who thinks raping young girls is hilarious?? Interesting.

At first, Letterman didn't seem to think an apology was in order, but he finally caved tonight. I doubt that will stop the "Fire David Letterman" rally set for tomorrow afternoon, though. It's kind of hard to stop a shitstorm already in progress.

I don't know, I can see Palin's side in that if I had a daughter, I would want to defend her if someone was saying rude things about her. But there were probably a million ways she could have responded to the jokes, all of which would have been better than the way she did.

What do you guys think? If you aren't up to speed on all of this madness, check out these vids:

Letterman explains his jokes
Palin responds on Today

Saturday, June 13, 2009

More on Adam Lambert (and Gene Simmons is a Moron)

After reading Adam Lambert's entire interview in Rolling Stone, I need to take back my earlier concerns that the Idol producers and 19E might be manipulating him and using his sexuality for their own personal gain. I was amazed by Adam's candor and self-confidence, and get the feeling that he is far too smart and grounded to let anyone to take advantage of him.

Besides, I guess he wouldn't be the first artist whose sexuality was used as a marketing ploy. I guess if you've got it flaunt it. And if you've got something that appeals to both sexes, so much the better.

I have a few more thoughts on some of the statements he made in the interview.

On his approach to the competition:

"I have to sing something everybody knows, but I'm going to make it work for me, and I'm not going to give a fuck about what the theme is that week - and, most of all I'm going to just ignore the pageantry of the whole thing. It is so pageant. That's why it's hard for people like Allison, who won't stand there and smile, say what they want her to say. I was on my best behavior, but it wasn't fake. That really was my best self."
So right on. Poor Allison really was screwed over because of Simon's constant whining that she wasn't personable enough. Beside the fact that his opinion was baseless, AI is not supposed to be a personality contest. I mean, Simon is not very personable, and people still tune in to see him.

On rooming with Kris Allen:
"Distracting! He's the one guy that I found attractive in the whole group on the show: nice, nonchalant, pretty and totally my type - except that he has a wife."
Cute. And exactly right regarding the lack of man candy in the Top 13. I'm so glad that Adam has good taste.

On Smuggie:
"Danny is by the book, and the book is the Word. And I respect that. Just don't try to push it on me, and we're cool."
How diplomatic. Judging by the last part of that statement, I get the feeling that Smuggie did try to push his views on Adam a few times. After all, Hokey can't even tell another man that he loves him without clarifying that it's in the "Godly way."

On life after death:
"I don't believe in hell. Maybe you're rewarded for being a good person, but I don't think you're punished."
Interesting, because I've always thought this too.

On the controversial drag/kissing pictures:
"I've only dressed in drag three or four times - and of course I took pictures, because I looked amazing - but I don't tuck and wear breasts, that's not me. Sucking my boy's face? Yes, that I will own."
I really have no comment, other than to say that I was reading this interview over lunch at a diner and this part made me laugh out loud, which got me quite a few annoyed and/or bewildered looks. Damn straight Adam looks good in drag. Hell,
he looks better in a dress than I do.

On women:
"I loved it this season when girls went crazy for me. As far as I'm concerned, it's all hot. Just because I'm not sticking it in there doesn't mean that I don't find it beautiful...I've made out a few times with girls at nightclubs when I had way too many drinks. I don't know if it would ever happen, but I'm kind of interested. I don't think I would want to do it with a groupie, though. Then again, maybe I'd rather it was with a stranger than someone I knew."
Oh, smart boy! Adam knows which side his bread is buttered on. I think he's being partly genuine and partly just a big tease here. But I would like to commend him (the genuine part) on his open mind and let him know that I'm neither someone he knows nor a groupie. So, I would be happy to conduct a little "experiment" with him. I'll even ghostwrite his bi-curious memoirs if he wants. Just throwin' that out there.

Now, most people have been supporting Adam during this whole "coming out" media circus, probably because it's a non-issue. But there always has to be at least one assclown in the bunch, and Gene Simmons is always up for that title.

In a recent interview on FOX News, he revealed himself (to those who didn't already know) as little more than a self-aggrandizing, hypocritical, idiotic dinosaur.

When the talking head asked him how it was performing with Adam at the AI Finale, he immediately grumbled, "How was it for him to perform with us, you mean? That's right. You just have to realize who the governor is and who the little puppy is." Okay, was that really necessary? And is he mixing his metaphors? Governors and puppies? How did this guy get to be so smug, when he's not even really good at it?

He did give Adam props by saying that he had a lot of talent, but then had to throw in a few qualifying remarks: "He should be the new lead singer in Queen. Not the Stones. He doesn't really have a rock 'n' roll voice, but he's got a great, you know, kind of Freddie Mercury-esque voice. So, he's got a future if he wants to sing in Queen or be on Broadway." Okay, Gene. Next time you're onstage, look to your left. See that guy? The one with the star on his face, wearing the ridiculous unitard? That's your singer, Paul Stanley. He usually acts gayer than Adam Lambert actually is. Oh, and he was in the Toronto production of Phantom of the Opera a while back. So, what was your point again?

Then Gene really channeled his inner Cro-Mag with this gem: "But mostly [Adam] should shut up about his sexual preferences. We - America and the rest of the world - doesn't really care. I mean, if the story becomes 'I prefer farm animals to...' You know, it's like, who cares? Be quiet about what it is you do indoors and go out there and sing."

Le sigh. Where to even start?? I think I need to make a list.

1. We doesn't really care?
2. He is partly right, though. WE doesn't really care. But the media does. Adam just wanted to sing, and the media wouldn't leave the poor guy alone about his personal life.
3. What a complete hypocrite this douche is. "Be quiet about what it is you do indoors?" Seriously? This from the same guy who's made a living talking and writing songs about all the girls he's inexplicably banged or wants to bang? This from the guy who wants to brag about his "beautiful wife," whom he cheats on regularly? This from the guy who is cashing in on his personal life by putting it on display in a cheesy reality TV show? Give me a break.
4. Comparing homosexuality to beastiality?? Is he trying to just be controversial or is he really that ignorant?

I guess Gene was doing a press tour for his show, but I'm not sure why he thinks that anyone cares about his opinions on anything. Especially on music. I mean, I like some KISS songs, but they're all pretty much the same song. It's not exactly groundbreaking stuff. And if there's anyone in this world with less musical integrity than Gene Simmons, I haven't found him yet.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Feeling More Like an 80-Year-Old Than An '80s Child

I would like to ask the world to please stop reminding me how old I am.

Last night, my roommmate, her sister, and I went out to dinner and then The Pyramid Club's '80s New Wave dance party. On my way to meet up with them, I was casually strolling down 15th Street near Irving Plaza, when I saw the sidewalks jammed with people, most of whom were letting out the most ear-splitting shrieks I'd ever heard. There were barricades up and security vans in the street outside the Belmont Lounge, so I knew some hot shit celeb must have been there. I was just going to keep walking -er, pushing - through but then I thought, "What if it's Zac Efron?" (Yes, the old lady crush still lives.) Or, "What if it's Adam Lambert??" I turned to a guy standing with his camera phone at the ready and asked who was inside and he told me. The freaking Jonas Brothers. I was like, ahhhh okay. Let's keep it moving, then. Nothing to see here. But, even though there were girls all around me spazzing out trying to get the best vantage point, I actually got a full-on view of them walking out of the restaurant. I probably could've just leaned in a few inches to my left and grabbed one of them. It figures, because I didn't care.

After checking online today, I found out that they appeared on The Late Show that afternoon, and were playing a free show at Irving Plaza. (Apparently, they also invaded Central Park this morning.) I guess I'm going to have to start checking the gossip sites from now on before I go anywhere. I totally could have avoided the throng of idiots. But at least the Jonas Brothers didn't ruin my plans, like Barack Obama did.

After the celeb sighting, I had a great dinner at Max, which I highly recommend to anyone in or planning to visit New York. I had the spaghetti with lamb ragu, and it was SPECTACULAR.

Then it was on to The Pyramid Club. Remember yesterday when I said that "drunk" would be part of my equation? I wasn't lying. My roommate and I had already split a rather large bottle of prosecco at dinner, so we already had a semi-buzz going on. Then, since it was also Ladies' Night, we got our first beer free and every beer after that was $2. Now, the beers were nothing special. Just smallish Rolling Rock drafts. But when you find a place - especially in NYC - serving $2 beers, it's actually irresponsible to NOT get hammered. So, we behaved like responsible adults.

I'm kind of surprised that I got so drunk because I felt like I should have been sweating most of the beer out. We didn't stop dancing from the time we got there until the time we left. It was great, but I have to lodge a minor complaint. This was the second time I'd been to Pyramid, and the second time the DJ didn't play any Duran Duran. We even requested some. TWICE. What the hell? You can't have an '80s Night without those guys.

Anyway, things got very blurry when this crazy club kid started taking turns dancing with all of us. And by dancing, I mean twirling and whipping us around incessantly. Now, this place was nearly pitch black, I was completely loaded, and I had some madman tossing me around like a rag doll. I've never dropped acid, but I have to imagine that I came pretty close to the experience there. I'm just glad I didn't puke in the middle of the dance floor. I did fall on my ass though. Of course I did.

Strangely enough, the only part of me that doesn't hurt today is my ass. I feel like I fell out of a tree and hit every branch on the way down. This is from one night of dancing. God, I'm decrepit.

And making me feel like even more of an old lady is my recent discovery that Prince is not only 51 (that's right), but he needs to have hip replacement surgery. What's next? I swear, if Cyndi Lauper and Rick Springfield show up in the next Medic Alert commercial, I'm jumping out the nearest window. If I even have the strength to get it open.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

My roommate's sister is in town, so we've decided to take her to The Pyramid Club's Thursday night '80s dance party. Of course, most of the people who go there aren't old enough to remember much of the early '90s, let alone any of the '80s, so there's a good chance that the evening could end with me drunkenly splayed out on the sidewalk, crying about how old I am. Or maybe I will be too drunk to care. Either way, I can guarantee you that "drunk" will be part of the equation.

I know it seems strange that I would post a '90s video on '80s Night, but I randomly came across this song today and was immediately transported back to my early-to-mid-20s dance hall days. I haven't been dancing in a while, so I need a song like this to help me remember all of my best white girl moves. You're all welcome to spastically jerk along with me to Mark Morrison's "Return of the Mack."

And actually, this video does have an '80s connection, because the song samples the beat of Tom Tom Club's "Genius of Love," which has been mercilessly ripped off by everyone from Tupac to Mariah Carey.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Adam Lambert Emerges From Shallowest Closet on Earth

Well, folks, Adam Lambert made it official today in Rolling Stone. He will not be having sex with me anytime soon. Big surprise, eh? Where's my cover story??

So, I doubt Glambert's gayfirmation shocked anyone who's not living along the banks of a certain river in Egypt. It certainly didn't floor me. But I'm glad that he finally said those three little words. Maybe now he can start making some music and kiss his boyfriend if he damn well feels like it.

When all the sexual speculation first started, I was endlessly amused by Adam's coyness about the issue. It was kind of ridiculous that he was constantly being pressed to "come out" to the world, when he'd never even been "in." I loved his response to reporters who tried to get his confession after those famous photos of him kissing another man and dressing in drag surfaced: "It is what it is." No lame cover-ups. No embarrassment. No hemming and hawing over what the definition of "is" is. He knew who he was and he never tried to hide or deny it. He just wanted to be recognized for his talent onstage, not for what he did in bed. Seemed reasonable to me. (Although if he wanted me to recognize him for...oh, never mind.)

But then I read this interesting piece in Queerty, which revealed that Adam's coyness might have actually been more along the lines of a contractual obligation. Now, I've always been aware that the American Idol contestants' lives are not their own. Those kids can't go to the bathroom if the producers and 19E don't approve it first. But I guess even cynical old me didn't realize how controlling TPTB actually were.

Adam told RS: "I was worried that [coming out] would be so sensationalized that it would overshadow what I was there to do, which was sing. I'm an entertainer, and who I am and what I do in my personal life is a separate thing."

I believe Adam when he says that. I mean, look at how sensationalized it all became just because he wasn't talking openly about being gay. So, I completely agree with the way he chose to handle things, but I don't completely buy that it was all his decision. I think he probably had a lot of pressure put on him to fall in line and only say as much as the Idol machine would let him say. And it will be a real shame if it turns out that this guy, who is an amazing talent and, by all accounts, a genuinely good person, is being manipulated. It seems that TPTB are claiming a big chunk of Adam - his sexuality - and using it to their own advantage. They kept it under wraps all season long to generate more interest in him and to keep the more close-minded fans happy. And now that the show's over, they can use his homosexuality to appeal to a wider audience, while making themselves look "hip" by really pushing that part of his image.

Then again, maybe I'm wrong. After all, the AI producers never put limitations on what and how Adam wanted to perform. (If they had really been afraid of alienating the audience, they never would've let "Ring of Fire" happen.) Bringing such a different kind of performer to the Idol stage in the first place certainly showed progression on their part. And the Queerty article makes a good point that since TPTB are allowing Adam to "come out" before he even records his first album, they must have faith that they can market an openly gay artist. So, maybe Adam and his backers both agreed on the "sing first, talk sex later" approach.

It seems to be an approach that Adam will continue to take, as he told RS that he wants to be "a singer, not a civil rights leader."

But whether he likes it or not, Adam may have to do some soapboxing if he wants to be known as just a singer, and not "that gay guy from American Idol." Because now that "Is he gay?" has a definitive answer, the new question suddenly floating around in the blogosphere is, "Will this hurt his career?" My gut wants to scream, "Absolutely not," but just the fact that so many people are asking this question leads me to believe that it's possible. I just don't get it. Aren't straight people the minority in the entertainment industry at this point? Why does this still matter??

Look, I don't feel like anyone should be forced to accept anything. If you think homosexuality is wrong, you're either always going to think that or change your mind on your own. I think there is a difference between acceptance and tolerance (even though I know some gays who would disagree), so if you can't find the former, that's fine. But you should always strive for the latter.

That's not my real issue here though. I want to be a blogger, not a civil rights leader, so I'm not going to get into a whole discussion about tolerance. And I'm certainly not going to get into a religious debate. But here's what, people. I don't care what your cultural or religious views are - if you can't enjoy a song (that you would normally otherwise enjoy) because you can't stop thinking about who the singer is screwing every night, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. Seriously. Since when do we have to approve of an artist's lifestyle before we can appreciate his or her work? Eddie Vedder supported Ralph Nader. Stevie Nicks was a giant cokehead. Led Zeppelin were a bunch of J.R.R. Tolkien-lovin' nerds. Axl Rose was, well, Axl Rose. Do I condone any of that? No. Does it matter? No. When those people start making shitty music, that's when I take issue. (For the record, neither Pearl Jam nor Led Zeppelin has ever made a bad album. Unlike everything else in this article, this is not up for debate.)

As for Adam's album, which is really the important thing here (of course, the story about his record deal was buried by the closet door opening heard round-the-world), he told RS that he and 19E are working on ideas now. As for what we should expect, Adam offered a little preview: "I could see myself probably doing a little bit of everything, like a rock-pop sound with, you know, really strong hooks...with kind of a glam edge to it...and all a lot of modern production. You know, dance-y, electronic type of treatment on everything. We'll make it sound really kind of current and futuristic."

Sounds like that album will be a true extension of himself - varied, exciting, provocative, and not easily labeled.

Fangirl sidebar: Do yourself a favor and check out Rolling Stone's behind-the-scenes footage of the cover photo shoot. Need three reasons? Okay...the poses are hilarious, Adam looks positively delicious during the interview snippets, and he does his own hair. Now go.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Caption Crotch-test Contest #23

Heidi demonstrates her "technique," using the 3rd most vile thing she has ever swallowed.

There is this month's winning caption, provided by your newest Firecrotch, Skyler's Dad. Although he tries every month, it's been over a year since Mr. Dirty Mind last won the most coveted award in all of Blogdom. Finally, Skyler can be proud of his father again instead of ashamedly moping around like Sylvester Junior.

Your 2nd, 3rd and 4th losers runners up are...

Because I'm strangely fascinated by this new colon blow trend: Heidi Montag demonstrates "Scorpion Snake," the colon cleanse of the stars! - Words Words Words

Because I'm a sucker for '80s humor: Like, gag me with scorpion! - Cora

Because I'm a sucker for fictional reality TV shows: This week's loser on "I'm A Scorpion, Please Get Me Out Of Here" - Deadspot

For that same reason, Catherinette gets an honorable mention for not entering a caption, but making me long for the day when FOX or VH1 finally creates Hooker Safari.

Monday, June 08, 2009

One of Those Things That Never Stops Being Funny

Let the "head" jokes pour forth like wine.

Bret Michaels' disembodied wax head sez...

Don't forget to enter this month's caption contest. Firecrotches really turn me on!

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

This week's vid was inspired by Bob from one of my new favorite blogs, Bottom of the Glass. (Bob is cool, but I have to admit that I'm more musically aligned with his co-blogger, Billy, who had me at Flesh for Lulu.) If you like great writing and good music, check it out.

When Bob mentioned guitarist Adrian Belew in a recent post, I immediately thought of the video for his song, "Oh Daddy," which I remember seeing on MTV quite a few times back at the tail end of the '80s. I always thought the song was so cute, and very David Byrnesque.

That was Belew's only brush with stardom in a long, still-chugging career. I never really knew anything about the guy, but apparently he'd played with legends like Talking Heads (no surprise), Frank Zappa, and David Bowie for years, before joining King Crimson and embarking on a solo career. He earned the respect of his peers and critics, but always managed to fly well under the public's radar. (Sounds almost like an avant garde version of John Hiatt.)

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Dynamite With a Laser Beam

I'm over at Starpulse today, talking about my new favorite subject...

I've also been looking for an excuse to post that picture. Because HOLY MOLY, that is hot. I've always had a thing for androgynous dudes. I don't know where that puts me on the Kinsey scale but I really don't care.

Anyway, the topic for today is not Glambert's deliciousness, but how he killed American Idol. Go forth, read, and discuss.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Yes, I Want It

I know I have probably said this about a million times since its inception, but thank God for YouTube. I wasn't home on Monday night to catch Conan's debut on The Tonight Show, so of course he was visited by two big loves of mine - Will Ferrell and Pearl Jam.

I heard that PJ debuted "Got Some," a new song from their upcoming (BUT NOT SOON ENOUGH) album, so I hurried on over to YouTube to check it out. If you didn't see it, or just want to check it out again, here you go.

Okay, so it wasn't really their best song ever, but I think there were a lot of sound issues during the performance. The guitar was up too loud, the vocals were buried, and everything sounded a bit muffled overall. I've seen Pearl Jam enough times to know that they are AMAZING live. The only time I was ever even close to being disappointed was the time I saw them in Philly, where they tried their best to overcome the Wachovia Center's horrible sound system. (Actually, that whole experience was harrowing, but that wasn't PJ's fault.)

Anyway, I think the song has the potential to be pretty good on record...or in a venue with better acoustics. I'm optimistic because, out of all the Pearl Jam songs out there, I only dislike a small handful. Probably less than ten (no pun intended). They rarely disappoint me.

And, really, when Eddie Vedder is before me growling, "Got some if you want it," the chances of me having anything negative to say are pretty slim. Even if it is a stupid question. I mean, seriously. Stop asking, Eddie. Just give it already.

By the way, I better not hear anyone calling PJ "sell-outs" because of their deal with Target. Leaving a giant record label like Sony and relying on the kindness of sponsors is in no way a sell-out move. And not many artists in recent history have been as concerned with the "little guy" as Pearl Jam have, so I have faith that this is all going to work out well for the fans.


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine