Thursday, April 28, 2011

American Idol 10: 4/28/11 Results

Well, folks, Casey Abrams is no longer with us. The judges may have saved him before, but Yukon's all out of miracles. His Bumble just didn't bounce this time around. Poor Yukon.

Once again, I'm going to do this results show recap good/bad/ugly style because A) I'm tired, B) the blogosphere is historically dead on Fridays so no one's going to care, and C) the results shows drain too much of my time and/or life force as it is.

The Good
  • Haley cursing out Jimmy Iovine. I wish she hadn't been bleeped because I would love to know what she said when Jimmy claimed that Haley "doesn't know who she is." I'd like to imagine it was something like, "BULLSHIT! Watch I don't cut your bald ass, BITCH."
  • Bruno Mars. I don't know, I just kind of like the guy. And I could kind of relate to the slacker anthem he was singing.
  • Casey's sing out of "I Put A Spell On You." Best sing out ever! He just sort of ran around, growled at people and kissed anyone who would let him, including Steven Tyler. Then he ended on "you're mine" while looking oh-so-deeply into Haley's eyes. Ah, smart boy...stoking the tabloid fires.
The Meh
  • Crystal Bowersox and her new teeth. I always feel uncomfortable watching former Idolettes who haven't found any post-show success perform on the AI stage again. Especially when the whole world kind of expected them to do well. Plus, her song was rather unspectacular.
The Bad
  • Even on Idol, we can't escape royal wedding mania. In a taped segment, the kids all went to the UK, which just makes me jealous. I was even more jealous after seeing that they got to meet Eric Idle and Fred Freakin' Willard.
  • The group sing, natch.
  • Ryan's stupid Idolette Q&A segment. No one wants to hear Casey name-drop obscure jazz musicians or learn that Scotty used to work in a grocery store. Oh God, I hope the judges don't start using that now as part of Scotty's "rags to riches story," like they did with Lee DeWyze, the lowly paint store clerk.
  • Jimmy Iovine's advice corner during the video performance recaps (read: just another time waster). If it was still the '70s and Jimmy was still signing acts like Bruce Springsteen, I would have some more respect for his input. But it's not and he's definitely not, so I don't.
The So Bad It's Good
  • Steven Tyler's outfit. He looked like the reanimated corpse of Joan Crawford sunbathing on a pirate ship. There's an odd yet very specific Halloween costume idea for you all. You're welcome.
  • Scotty's solo portion of the group number. He swayed in the pit of tween despair, while singing "Go Away Little Girl." Yep, they're really sticking to this whole Scotty-as-sex symbol and/or teen idol idea. It's hilarious.
The Ugly
  • The Ford commercial. Why did the producers allow the Idolettes to murder "Our House?" It's Madness! Madness, I say!

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

American Idol 10: I'm Dying Now, Carole!!

Tonight, the Idolettes are rifling through the Carole King songbook as Brooke White sits at home and cries that this was never a theme night during Season 7. But mainly because she's scheduled for a cry every night at 8:00.

Babyface swoops in to sit at the right hand of Jimmy Iovine, possibly while was off on an extended bathroom break. I guess no one ever taught him the "move your feet, lose your seat" rule.

Up first is Jacob Lusk, dressed like a demented ice cream truck driver, doing plenty of head bobbin' and pee dancin' during his rendition of "Oh No, Not My Baby." I think Ol' Lusky's appeal is starting to wear thin but I have to admit to enjoying this performance, especially the second half when he funked it up a bit. Steven finds magic in Jacob's strut and J.Lo loves the performance even if it wasn't perfect. Randy just agrees with the other two and hopes that everyone notices his new outfit from the Boyz II Men collection.

Jimmy brings in a special guest to give Lauren Alaina a pep talk—it's Miley!! It's kind of surprising that Miley would show up after Jimmy dissed her pretty hard a few weeks ago, but she does mention that Jimmy "deserved" the can of tween Tumblr whoop-ass that her fans unleashed on him following his remarks. I'm not sure what Miley said to Lauren that was so inspirational but it worked, as she turns in a very good vocal on "Where You Lead." The girl still annoys me though, a feeling not helped by her cheesy move of dragging some poor nerd on stage, abandoning him there for a while, then returning to sing the rest of the song to him. All of the judges are so proud of Lauren for singing hard enough to make her voice crack. And then Steven starts talking in some sort of Gary Busey code that I can't quite understand. Ryan tries to play the role of matchmaker between Lauren and the object of her serenade but, when he discovers the guy is 19, he plays the role of cock-blocker.

Idol is really in love with duets this year, although they're not really mixing the contestants up too much. I probably shouldn't complain about that, since they're probably saving us from the trainwreck of a Scotty/Haley duet. Instead, Haley performs "I Feel the Earth Move" with her usual partner (and rumored lovah), Casey, because they do work well together. But just like on their last duet, Haley steals the show. Am I becoming a Haley fan? It's possible. Stranger things have happened. Nothing as strange as Steven giving someone a negative critique though. That's just plain crazy! As with every other performance on the show, there's nothing about the Haley/Casey duet that Steven doesn't like.

Scotty McCreery wants to show his softer, "romantic" side with "You've Got A Friend." Well, I think I mentioned before when Brooke White (who else) covered this that this song always reminds me of that SNL skit with Steve Martin getting stabbed outside Carole King's (Laraine Newman) apartment, and she doesn't hear his cries for help. (In case you were wondering, that's what my post title is referencing.) And when Scotty tries to hit those high notes, he kind of sounds like he's being stabbed, too. Unfortunately, we can all hear him. Randy does call Scotty out for his tendency to "fall off" the high notes but calls the beginning of the song "flawless." He also likes that Scotty "turned the other cheek" and showed a different side of himself. And not only does the Dawg proclaim that "Scotty's in it to win it," but he also clarifies that statement for anyone who may be confused by bellowing that "Scotty's trying to win it" and "Scotty wants to win it." Well, I'm glad he understands what "in it to win it" means, but he might want to look up "turn the other cheek" before using it again.

Also showing his softer side is James Durbin, who performs "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow," which he starts a capella before the band kicks in. He probably jammed in a few glory notes where they weren't needed but, other than that, I really can't find much to complain about here. When he's not just mindlessly screeching, James really does have a nice voice. Penny Marshall agrees. Steven lets us all know that this is the first song he ever made out to, while J.Lo describes the performance as "magical." Randy thinks James might just win the whole thing, and especially likes that he "turned the other cheek" this week. Really? They don't have some lackey working on set that could have told Randy during the commercial break to stop using phrases he doesn't understand?? JESUS. (Speaking of turning the other cheek.)

The next duet features perma-partners Lauren and Scotty singing "Up on the Roof." I can't even focus on the vocals because I want to slap Scotty's constantly-moving eyebrows right off of his smirky face. But J.Lo gives Scotty kind of a verbal slap by calling him the "second voice" behind powerhouse Lauren. Scotty may be turning the other cheek now, but his expression is that of a man who will be climbing a bell tower with a rifle later this evening.

Steven suddenly has a little blonde girl on his lap. No one bothers to explain why.

Casey Abrams sings the rather nonsensical (natch) "Hi-De-Ho (That Old Sweet Roll)" and, despite basically just growl-talking through a good portion, he gives a rather entertaining performance. The thing about Casey is, I can't see him becoming a multi-platinum-selling superstar but he would be an awesome club performer. I'd probably pay $10 to go get drunk and jam out to his shiz. Randy also enjoys the Casey Show and Revue, and Steven says that Casey's so good, he "makes his scalp itch." Jennifer wants Casey to loosen up more. Interesting. How much looser can Casey get? I hear Jennifer also thinks Scotty should lean to the right a little more, James should try to add some screaming to his songs and Haley should try growling once in a while.

Speaking of Haley Reinhart, she's keeping her growling under control and doing her best to win me over during "Beautiful." While I'm still not sure if I would call myself a full-fledged Haley fan at this point, she's certainly one of my top picks for this week. Steven says he just saw God and Jen calls Haley's "one of the best voices in this competition." Randy also enjoys the performance but, because he says that he didn't love the beginning as much as the end, the other judges and audience members angrily stone him to death. Well, OK, they don't really. But it may eventually get to that point. Also, I really wanted to jam another Biblical reference in this recap.

Haley's performance was probably a good way to end the show, but the producers opted to have the dynamic duo of James and Jacob close things out with their version of that giant wad of bubblegum, "I'm Into Something Good," popularized by Herman's Hermits. Well. Ummmm...yeah. I feel like I'm into something good right now—namely, a giant bag of weed. It's hard to know whether to crack up or vomit watching this but, since vomiting is rarely fun, I choose the former. I'm assuming that Steven is seeing the Devil now, because he is not amused. The one judge who never has a bad thing to say about anything does not like this. And he actually admits it. He's like, "Man, where were you going with all that?" All Jacob and James can do is join me in a good laugh.

I'm not sure if we're down to a Bottom 2 now or if there's a Bottom 3 until the Top 5. If it's a B2, I think Jacob and Casey will be there. If it's a B3, that's a little bit tougher. I'll just take a guess and say the third will be Lauren. (I thought about putting Scotty in the B3, but that kid's an unstoppable force. Thanks, lonely housewives of America.) Regardless of who's in the B2 or B3, it will probably be Jacob heading home tomorrow night.

Of course, the big question isn't who will be in the Bottom 3 or who will be voted off, but WHO WAS THAT LITTLE BLONDE GIRL ON STEVEN'S LAP AND WHY WAS SHE NEVER ACKNOWLEDGED, SEEN OR HEARD FROM AGAIN???? That has me creeped right the eff out.

Find more Idol news and recaps at

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

What's Pissing Me Off Now

There's always a list.

1. Royal Nonsense
Good Lord. I cannot wait until this royal wedding is over. I guess I should be happy that Prince William is marrying someone who isn't his horse-faced cousin, but the fact is that I REALLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANY OF THESE PEOPLE. And why should I? Maybe if I were British, it would kind of make sense. (But being British wouldn't even really be a good excuse.) I think I've mentioned before that I just don't get Americans' excitement over this nonsense. Well, I still don't get it. These aren't even our obscenely rich do-nothings. They're just more damn foreigners taking things—namely, the spotlight—away from hardly-working Americans—namely, Lindsay Lohan.

And I thought I'd seen and heard just about every inane thing the media could possibly come up with, but then I found this ad for the "Future Princess Kate Middleton Fashion Figurine Collection." High demand is expected. ORDER TODAY! Or don't order it and continue on with your life, content in the knowledge that you are a perfectly sane human being.

2. Constant ads for The Voice
Stop trying to make The Voice happen, NBC! It's not gonna happen! I don't think it's just me who feels this way. I'm pretty sure no one cares. It's trying to be the antidote to shows like American Idol that focus on image as much as vocal talent but I don't buy for one second that they A) don't already know what these people look like, B) will let the offensively ugly audition, or C) won't try to make everyone over. Basically, this show is just a venue for Christina Aguilera to try to rehab her public image and make one last grasp at relevance, as well as an excuse for NBC to buy fancy chairs that spin around. The only way I would ever watch is if I could get a promise that someone would call Adam Levine a turd to his face. Seriously, who would willingly let that guy mentor them??

3. Glee/Gwyneth Paltrow
These both made my last list as separate entries, but I've decided to combine them considering that they've somehow become ONE. Hey, Ryan Murphy, here's an idea: if Gwynnie is your muse and you adore her so much, why don't you create a completely new show just for her? And then those of us who want to watch Glee won't have to be force-fed her annoying, trying-too-hard-to-be-hip character (or is it the actress who's trying too hard?) and her marginal singing talent. Since when did the show become all about a substitute teacher? Oh, probably since it started to suck.

Speaking of sucking, here's another idea, Mr. Murphy: FIX THE SHOW. Stop trying to figure out how many episodes you can jam Holly Holiday into and start trying to figure out why the dialogue has become so cheesy or why all the characters have become so unlikable or why you're dangerously veering into Afterschool Special territory. I'm all for using your power for the good of the gays, but if the leaked spoiler (stop reading now, anyone who hasn't heard about this and doesn't want to) about Kurt and Karofsky being voted Prom Queen and King, respectively, is true, well, that's just stupid. And not just because it would never happen in real life (because that never stopped me from enjoying the football team's "Single Ladies" dance) but because it would never even happen in the Glee-niverse that you've created. If the idea is to teach a lesson about acceptance, I'm not sure that making an over-the-top joke of Karofsky's apparent coming out is the most effective way to do that.

However, as much as I complain, I am DVRing the show tonight, mainly because I've been promised more Lady Gaga. And I will certainly be watching the final three episodes, mainly because I've been promised the return of Jonathan Groff. Oh, that gives me another idea, Mr. Murphy: scratch that Gwyneth-starring vehicle and create a new show for J-Groff. I won't even care about the dialogue.

4. Guilty Pleasures
I know I've mentioned often how much I hate the term "guilty pleasure." I just think it's ridiculous to be ashamed to like what you like. (How exhausting must it be to be a hipster?) For instance, I love Hanson's "Mmmbop," and I'll make no damn apologies for it. So, I was kind of annoyed when Dancing with the Stars used "guilty pleasures" as its theme last night. For one thing, isn't that kind of like the pot calling the kettle stupid? Really, is everyone proud of the fact that they watch DWTS? Hell, I'm only watching it this season because of Hines Ward and The Karate Kid. Still, I watch it and I'm not embarrassed to say so. For another thing, who would ever call "Don't Stop Believing" a guilty pleasure?? How about a muthahumpin' anthem?? And who would ever try to tango to said muthahumpin' anthem? It just didn't work. But anyway, in addition to the house band, Hanson were there to not only perform "Mmmbop" at the top of the show but to also sing snippets of other "guilty pleasure" songs like "Achy Breaky Heart" and "Ice Ice Baby." Should I feel guilty that I know all the words to all of those songs? Well, I don't. And should I feel guilty that I totally have an old lady crush on Taylor Hanson? Eff that. I'd feel guilty if I didn't show my appreciation for how fine he's grown.

5. Pearl Jam
I know...crazy, right? Well, OK, so I could never be really pissed off at them. But I've been waiting for what feels like ages for them to announce when and where their mythical summer festival will be held. Boys, I have a summer to plan! And I want you to be in it!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

American Idol 10: 4/21/11 Results

Ehhhh, another results show. Seriously, folks, I just don't have it in me to do a full-fledged recap tonight. There was just too much brilliance on Community and Parks and Recreation. I'm spent.

So, let's tackle this good/bad/ugly style, shall we?

The Good
  • David Cook's return. Sure, he looks like a pineapple head (hmm, maybe he should cover that Crowded House song) but I've always liked him. Not enough to buy one of his albums, but I think I own a couple of songs. His new song, "The Last Goodbye" is catchy enough, but it sounds a lot like something else I can't put my finger on. Maybe everything else?
  • I went 2-3 with my Bottom 3 predictions and correctly guessed that Stefano was the one voted off. I won't pat myself too hard on the back since 97% of the Idol-watching public knew it, too. Apparently, the only person who wasn't prepared for it was James, who openly wept over losing his new BFF.
  • Stefano's sing-out. It was his best vocal of the season, and I was glad to hear his dance remix of "Lately" again.
The Bad
  • Haley, Lauren, Stefano and Jacob singing "Hey Soul Sister." And it really has little to do with that foursome; this would have made the "bad" list no matter who performed it. Go to hell, Train.
  • The Ford commercial, obviously. Oh, look, the Idolettes are saving the planet by lassoing clouds and emptying their canteens into dry river beds. How very Earth Day of them.
  • Haley landing in the Bottom 3 instead of Scotty, who really deserved to be there. (Hey, get me! I'm sticking up for Haley!)
  • Haley's outfit. Not sure why she followed up last night's cute red polka dot dress with some Hamptons tea party get-up.
  • The announcement that Bruno Mars will be on next week...because Stefano won't be around to do some sort of Patty Duke/identical cousins mirror routine.
The So Bad It's Good
  • Casey, Scotty and James singing "Viva La Vida." This was almost as funny as tonight's Community, but in a completely different way. Seriously, I haven't heard harmony that good since the time Tom Cruise and all his Navy buddies sang to Kelly McGillis in that bar. And the end was just spectacular. I'm not sure which was better: the synchronized pointing or the synchronized head-hanging.
The Ugly
  • Katy Perry's performance of "E.T." I tend to like Katy's stupid songs, but this one might be the worst thing I've heard in the last five years. Yes, it's even worse than anything Ke$ha's inflicted upon us. And was that Kanye West? Wearing some sort of dead animal? My mind wouldn't let my eyes believe what they were seeing because I couldn't imagine that egomaniac just showing up uncredited, but the Googles confirm that it was, in fact, everyone's favorite gay fish. I'm waiting for the inevitable Kanye tweet: THIS WAS A COMING OUT PARTY TO LET Y'ALL KNOW IMMA ALIEN FOR REAL. I AM NOT OF THIS EARTH AND THAT IS WHY I'M SUCH A GODDAMN GENIUS.

Find more Idol news and recaps at

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

American Idol 10: In The Year 2000...and Beyond

Tonight, American Idol celebrates the music of the present and not-too-distant past by dredging up some not-too-distant past Idolettes for the opening number, Pink's "So What." All the girls we've lost before—Pia, Thia, Naima, Karen and Ashthon—hit the stage first. Naima seems to be doing some sort of solo Paso Doble (perhaps as a nod to Pia's new piece, Mark Ballas), while Ashthon tries to morph into the black Betty Boop. And then along comes Paul, who clearly chose a 4/20 party over coming to rehearsal. McSparkleteeth's all, So what, I'm dating a Twilight star, I got my rose suit and I don't need you...stupid voters...dee dah dah....heyyyy how's errybodydoin? This is kind of like witnessing a drunk hipster jump on stage at a Sister Sledge concert while security naps.

During the video packages, all of the contestants rip on each other. Yay! I have to hand it to this year's batch of Idolettes for having a pretty good collective sense of humor.

Scotty McCreery brings us the first 21st century song of the evening, which Ryan introduces as "Swingin'" by LeAnn Rimes?? No, Seacrest, this is a John Anderson (the country guy, not the Yes guy with no 'h') song from the '80s. This is so typical of this show and this kid. Scotty gets a chance to do something modern and goes through the loophole to find a 21st century cover of a nearly 30-year-old song. The Idolettes all made fun of Scotty's whole schtick (holding the mic like a burrito, singing out of the side of his head, etc.), which is on full display here. He also sounds like a frog throughout most of the song but, wow, this kid really thinks he's quite the little prince, doesn't he? Happily, the judges finally give Scotty some negative feedback. Well, not Steven. He just says, "I love you," which translates to "I get paid no matter what I say, so I might as well say things that won't get me booed." However, J.Lo and Randy both warn Scotty that he needs to stop being so safe...right before jamming in a "but we still love you!"

James Durbin sends all the Glamberts into fits of rage by raiding Adam Lambert's closet and singing a Muse song. Oh, so much smeared eyeliner all over America tonight. Anyway, James is joined by a few rogue members of a drum line for "Uprising," during which he alternates between rocky snarling and high-pitched wailing, the latter causing his balls to rise up into his pelvis. This is kind of ridiculous, but still entertaining. Jennifer "goes out on a limb" (with that ass?) to claim this performance as "theatrically, the best of the night," while Randy agrees and says "DUDE" a lot. Steven and James bond over cheap rocker duds but then Steven crosses the line by putting James in the same realm as T.Rex. He must have been at the 4/20 party earlier, too.

Haley Reinhart covers Adele's "Rolling in the Deep," which, in theory, should be a good choice for her, but it's a boring failure. After Haley's impressive performance on last week's results show, I was expecting her to really take off from there. Instead, she's back to her old tricks: growling a lot and trying to make her voice do a thousand different things. She's also trying way too hard to sound like Adele. She needs to stop over-thinking and just sing the damn song. I will say that Haley looks really nice tonight. A vast improvement over last week's hooker gear. I dig that dress. Randy gives the "what kind of record are you gonna make" speech and thinks this kind of music is perfect for Haley, although the vocals were a little sharp in places. Steven's like, "you know what I'm gonna say." Yes, we do, Steven. Only good things. J.Lo says there were moments when Haley sounded better than Adele. Man, everyone was at that 4/20 party!

None of the contestants bring up Jacob Lusk's obvious gayness, but they all call him a "diva," to which Jacob rolls his eyes. We get another eye-roll at the start of his cover of Luther Vandross' "Dance With My Father," when he gets ahead of the music, or loses the track, or hears drums in his earpiece, or some other excuse that makes it not his fault for screwing up the beginning. This is not only dull, but Jacob is also singing like he has peanut butter stuck to the roof of his mouth. The judges' all deem this "emotionally great," but Randy wants crazy, loud, screaming Jacob back. (Shocker!) Jacob looks like he wants to cut Randy. All I know is that if Jacob ends up in the Bottom 3 this week, it just means that Americans weren't ready to dance with their fathers.

The Idolettes rag on Casey Abrams by taking turns donning a fake beard and putting their mouths all over his dirty melodica. Casey wisely sends that instrument out for a deep cleaning, and picks up the guitar for Maroon 5's "Harder to Breathe," the ONLY good song that band of turds ever released. The vocals are bar band average, but the performance is very entertaining overall. Casey has a great time growling, scatting, hip-thrusting and getting all up in J.Lo's grill, before leaning in to plant a kiss on her cheek. Jen praises the performance and Casey's "soft lips," Randy loves that Casey is full of surprises and Steven is proud that Casey did what he's "been trying to do for four months." For his critique, Steven must have used all of Mr. Krabs' 13 swears plus a few that he made up because he got bleeped for what felt like an eternity.

Stefano Langone is a big flirt, so say the Idolettes. Since he looks like Joey Tribbiani' s long-lost cousin, I'm willing to bet that he's used the "how you doin'" opener more than a few times. While performing Ne-Yo's "Closer," Stefano tries to take Jimmy Iovine's advice to stop whining for sex and just demand it, but this isn't sexy no matter how you slice it. What's up with the half-assed dancing? And why did he pick this song? The backup singers are doing most of the work. I guess I can at least give Stefano props for not doing another boring ballad. Randy says he was expecting "bad karaoke" but was pleasantly surprised (nice backhand!), while Steven and Jennifer think Stefano did a good job.

Backstage word has it that Lauren Alaina is a twangy hick who never shuts up and has a penchant for falling down stairs. Wow, who knew? She closes out the evening with Sara Evans' "Born to Fly," which is decent enough, I suppose. I'm not sure it's pimp spot material, but her vocals are strong. Steven wants Lauren to sing more country songs by a bunch of other country singers who are not Sara Evans. OK, then. J.Lo and Randy want Lauren to practice screaming at home so she can join the glory note brigade. Pretty soon this show is going to be called Everybody Loves Shrieking.

So, who will be sent packing tomorrow night? I originally had Scotty, Jacob and Haley in the Bottom 3 with Haley going home but I'm starting to rethink that. I'm going to go against my first instincts and say that it will be an all-male Bottom 3, starring Scotty, Jacob and Stefano. I know it seems like a stretch to have Scotty in there but A) he went first, B) he got some of the only negative remarks, and C) this show takes every chance it can get to let Ryan wag his finger and say, "You can't assume anyone is HAVE TO vote for your favorites...NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! BABYLOCKTHEMDOORS IS IN DANGER!!"

Obviously, Scotty isn't going anywhere, so he'll be sent to safety right away. And it's a tough choice between Jacob and Stefano, but since Stefano has been a fairly frequent bottom-dweller, I think his time has finally come.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Guest Post: Finn

Hi there, I'm Finn. I'm blogging. I'm a dog and I'm blogging. I probably deserve several handfuls of treats for this. Send them through the Intertubes now, please.

Anyway, I just thought you might all be wondering where BeckEye has been lately. Because other than on American Idol nights, she's been kinda M.I.A.

It's quite simple, really. SHE'S MINE NOW. Hahahahwoofwoofhaha! Suck on that, bipeds!

Sure, sometimes she tries to blog, but I have ways of distracting her. Like, I'll threaten to pee on the floor. (Hey, I'm house-trained and all, so I wouldn't really do that. But humans are very jumpy. Really. Just sniff the carpet for more than 30 seconds and watch how quickly your human drops what it's doing to pay attention to you.) Or I'll keep jumping on her while she's trying to type, occasionally swatting her in the boob with one of my big, meaty paws. Or I'll just do this thing I do with my ears...the one down, one up thing. See it? I don't know why, but that always gets her right in the palm of my paw.

Don't worry, BeckEye's had these blogging lulls before and she always bounces back eventually. So I'm not gonna feel too bad about stealing most of her time right now. Especially since nothing is really going on in the entertainment world. I mean, if she's got 20 minutes to either squeeze in a post about the royal wedding (YAWN) or lay on the floor and scratch my belly, I'm gonna win every time.

P.S. - No, I was not named after the guy from Glee. (Don't be stupid. You know BeckEye's a Jesse St. James girl.) What else would one name an epically awesome, fair-haired warrior?

Thursday, April 14, 2011

American Idol 10: 4/14/11 Results

[dramatic music] In a world where many quality shows fill the television landscape, one woman dared to watch 'American Idol' and recap it for the masses. You'll'll'll never be the same after looking into...The Pop Eye.

Tonight's AI results show sticks with the trend of putting the remaining contestants in groups to perform live. Of course, Lauren and Scotty get paired up again for a country song to remind us that they're country singers. I know I don't usually have many nice things to say about Lauren, but I'll give her this: she looks really good in yellow. It's worth mentioning because that's a hard color for a white chick to pull off. And, since I'm being nice, I won't discuss the golden ashtrays that are hanging from her ears.

This week's Ford commercial features a zombie attack, and Paul is upset that he portraying a guy on a picnic instead of a zombie. But it was a wise casting choice made for the sake of realism. Because, while Paul may be skinny enough to pass for a long-dead person, not even the best special effects artists could make his teeth look rotten. The Idolettes do a fantastic job on their cover of Neon Trees' "Animal," though. I mean, if I didn't know better, I'd have thought it was really a pack of zombies singing! Way to commit to that theme, kids.

Clearly wanting to capitalize on the rumors that Casey and Haley are dating, the producers have them duet on the not-at-all-suggestively-titled jazz song, "Moanin'." I am all prepared to make a gazillion jokes but then Haley blows it out tha box, yo. Seriously. I'm kind of stunned. Turns out the girl has quite a voice. I guess she just doesn't know how to use it most of the time. She should only sing songs like this from now on. Even the judges, who tongue bathe the girl when she's just growling horribly off-key, had no idea that Haley could sing this well. But they don't have any idea about a lot of things.

Casey, Haley, Scotty and Lauren are all summoned by Ryan to learn their fates, and Haley is the only one to land in the Bottom 3. I'm 1-1 so far. The best I can do is 2-3 because I foolishly picked Casey to be in the Bottom 3 simply because I got tired of putting Stefano in every week. Now I'm pretty sure I should have stuck with my first instinct.

In a taped segment, Rob Reiner stops by to talk to the Idolettes about movie music. (I'm wondering now why James Durbin didn't sing "Sex Farm" last night.) Hmm, he doesn't have a new movie coming out, so could it be that someone actually showed up on Idol with nothing to promote? Amazing!

It's always good to see/hear Kelly Clarkson (still the best Idol), who shows up to perform with country singer Jason Aldean because they apparently have a hit single out. So, this is like From Jason to Kelly, which isn't nearly as good as From Justin to Kelly, which I've seen three times. I'll make no apologies for it. It's a pretty hilariously awful movie. I highly recommend it.

Speaking of hilariously awful, what's up with this Cowboys and Aliens movie? I guess, on one hand, I have to appreciate that Hollywood thought up something kind of new rather than just doing a half-assed movie version of some lame '70s TV show. But really, what coked-out screenwriter came up with this? What's next, Peasants and Ghosts? Spartans and Vampires? Vikings and Robots? These ideas are all going to be stolen, aren't they?

Paul, Stefano and James replace band-mate Casey with Jacob for a medley of "The Sound of Silence/Mrs. Robinson." I don't know if it's the lineup change or if they just rehearsed more, but this sounds much better than their Wings debacle two weeks ago. But I swear Paul is just trying to imitate Cat Stevens.

Ryan lets Paul and Stefano know they are in the Bottom 3. (Dammit! I could've gone 3-3.) They join Haley on the uncomfortable stools, where they're held captive during Rihanna's performance. Hmm...she should probably never go anywhere without her AutoTune mic.

The results are in and I'm wrong—Haley lives to moan another day. Sadly, Dancing Paul is sent packing. And just as I was really beginning to love him, too. He doesn't seem too upset about it, though, as he happily sings us out with "Maggie May." I'm sure Paul will be just fine. There's a whole big world out there for him to explore. He could collect his books and and get on back to school. Or he could steal his daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool. But he'll probably just go back to his rock and roll band, who've been given a helping hand thanks to his appearance on AI.

As a tribute to Idol's Alabama Rose, here is a collage of my contributions to the all-too-short-lived Dancing Paul meme. (More fun photos can be found on the Dancing Paul Tumblr.) Enlarge for maximum memosity.

Find more Idol news and recaps at

American Idol 10: Where The Boys Are

Last night's theme on AI was Songs from the Cinema. I had such a good fake Where the Boys Are poster 90% made for this post, but because I violated the first rule of the universe by forgetting to SAVE, my PhotoShop decided to teach me a lesson by crashing and devouring my handiwork. Arrrrrrrgh. And the poster was funny, but it wasn't SO funny that I feel the need to create the damn thing from scratch. So here, have this lame-ass picture of the Top 8 with a few movie-related elements hastily pasted in.

On with the show...

It's always risky business going first, but sometimes you just have to say, "What the fuck." Paul McDonald threatens to dance around in his underwear to "Old Time Rock and Roll," but there's no way he could get out of that ridiculous rose suit in time. Tonight it's a different rose suit than last week. I call this one "Midnight in the Garden of Gleaming Enamel." Jimmy Iovine is regretting inviting to the studio last week because the guy just won't leave. But he at least nixed Jimmy's idiotic idea to throw a drum machine and/or beatbox into a Bob Seger song. I'm immediately disappointed when Paul hits the stage because he doesn't ask me how I'm doing tonight. What the hell, dude? I really wanted to talk about my day. God, this guy's an idiot but I really am beginning to love him. Especially when he starts beating himself with a tambourine. Steven didn't hear any of Paul's performance because he was too preoccupied with the slutty blonde saxophonist. J.Lo thinks Paul is becoming more and more polished with every performance and Randy adds a new phrase to his arsenal of jibberish: "Good on you, baby, good on you."

Lauren Alaina is covering Miley Cyrus, natch. (It was either that or one of Gwyneth's dumb songs from that big budget Lifetime movie about the alcoholic country singer.) Jimmy reminds everyone that Miley isn't a very good singer by telling Lauren that if her cover isn't better than the original, she basically sucks. Hmm, I guess Miley won't be appearing on the show this season. Lauren sings about all the things Idol adores—moving mountains, fighting battles, etc.—and although she sounds perfectly fine, I'm not really digging it. The "judging" panel feels differently though, so it's tongue baths all around. Lauren's mom's hair brims with pride.

Filling the all ballads, all the time void left by Pia is Stefano Langone, who covers Boyz II Men's "End of the Road" from Boomerang. This reminds me that I actually saw Boomerang in the theater and I'm still waiting for Eddie Murphy to give me my money back. Stefano sings parts of the song well but other parts are a little bit whiny. Also, I can't fully get into a Boyz II Men song if it doesn't feature the deep, spoken-word part. (Girl, I'm here for you...) However, the judges love this performance as much as they love every other performance, which is SO, SO MUCH. Steven thinks this is "so not the end of the road" for Stefano, while J.Lo checks to make sure the censors are still awake by proclaiming this performance "the shit." Randy is just happy that he can tell everyone that he's friends with one of the Boyz II Men dudes. Now if only someone would do a song from Glitter so that he can remind everyone that he's BFFs with Mariah Carey.

Scotty McCreery is up next. Ah, the possibilities! Will he dare to take on the Glitter soundtrack? Will he show off his versatility by covering Donna Summer's "Last Dance" or even Eminem's "Lose Yourself?" Nah, he does a country song from a country movie. Scotty once again pretends his microphone is a delicious burrito, taunting the audience with it and smirking like a damn Smirky McSmirkerson. His voice sounds exactly as it always does and Steven approves. Seagal, that is. Oh, and Steven Tyler approves as well. Jennifer acknowledges that the rest of the world has grown tired of the judges not doing their jobs, but she can't be tough on Scotty! She can say only good things! Randy piles on with MORE GOOD THINGS, DUDE! YO!

I don't know if Casey Abrams is trying to look like Rick Astley or what, but I'm seriously craving a Rickroll right now. Casey kind of pisses Jimmy off by ignoring his advice to sing Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight" and going instead with his first choice, Nat King Cole's "Nature Boy." The upright bass is back, as are the grunting and ridiculous faces. This is all kind of bizarre but, since this song was in Moulin Rouge, it makes me think of Ewan McGregor, thereby transporting me to my happy place. When it's all over, I'm brought back to reality by the judges and audience giving Casey a standing ovation. I swear, sometimes I honestly think I'm watching a completely different show than these people. I mean, he wasn't terrible but it was not worth standing up for, unless you really, really had to pee. Casey says he wants to educate America about jazz music. America collectively decides to blow off that class.

Haley Reinhart dons her best American gigolette costume for a cover of Blondie's "Call Me." There is plenty of growling and yelling, and her attempts at dancing are even funny to Paul. Randy likes the loudest parts and Steven can't hear anything because he's too busy looking up Haley's dress. Jennifer isn't really wowed by this performance but says that Haley's great anyway, in the hopes that she can persuade America to stop voting off all the girls.

Jimmy tells Jacob Lusk that his song choices are corny and convinces him to do "Bridge Over Troubled Water." Great, a 30-year-old song that just happened to be featured in a Will Smith movie no one bothered to see. Way to keep these contestants sounding fresh and relevant, Jimbo. Jacob sounds pretty good tonight and fights the urge to go full-on church gay on everyone. So, if he ends up in the Bottom 3, it won't be because he sang the song badly, but because America wasn't ready to navigate the raging rapids of their racist souls. Steven yammers on about "crescendos and innuendos," while the other two "judges" add good things, more good things and EVEN MORE GOOD THINGS.

James Durbin closes out the evening with Sammy Hagar's "Heavy Metal," from the movie of the same name. Wow, I remember sneaking downstairs late one night when I was younger to watch that on HBO and, even then, I couldn't understand what was so risque about cartoon boobs. James is kind of a cartoonish boob but at least he's entertaining. He bends over backwards, shrieks like a banshee and plays air guitar, while leaving real guitar duty up to Zakk Wylde. The vocals definitely aren't perfect but IT'S METAL, DUDE. Shit ain't supposed to be perfect. J.Lo thinks the performance felt "really real," while Zakk thinks James "sang his ass off." Randy wants to see James at Ozzfest (yeah, because Randy goes every year) and Steven has timed this show perfectly, as he's out of things to say.

My prediction for tonight is that Paul, Casey and Haley will be in the Bottom 3 and Haley will be the one killed off.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

BeckEye's Not-So-Excellent Adventures in Fashion

Here I am (on your left) around 1985-1986 with the same ex-friend from the last installment. (Thanks to the sunglasses, I don't have to protect her anonymity with a black bar.) I think this may have been in downtown Pittsburgh during a field trip, although that Burger King in the back doesn't look familiar. This honestly looks more like South Side but, if you're from Pittsburgh, you'll know that there's really no reason to take a bunch of junior high kids to South Side unless you're actually trying to get them drunk and, as terrible as my school was, they wouldn't have allowed that.

I can't even begin to explain everything that is awesomely appalling about this ensemble but I'll give it a shot:
  • Half top. HALF TOP.
  • The "Beach Bunny" decal on said half top. (Obviously, I got this in the same place that nearly every teenage girl in the tri-state area got their Beach Bunny half tops: Ocean City, MD.)
  • Said half top paired with extremely high-waisted genie pants.
  • Permed, feathered mullet that is, sadly, mostly obscured by the hat.
  • THE HAT. Worn backwards, natch. I actually remember this hat well. It was some type of floppy, flimsy baseball cap that was white in the back (the part you can see) and on the bill, with a purple and white polka dot design on the front. Apparently I was wearing it to ensure that nothing on me accidentally matched.
I guess I should be proud of those ginormous sunglasses, though. I was wearing 'em before those twiggy reality stars realized they were cool. Also, that Risky Business pose? Very original and super awesome. I'm surprised I wasn't the most popular girl in my school, I really am.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

American Idol 10: 4/7/11 Results

Because I tuned in late to tonight's results show, I was able to fast forward through a lot of garbage (i.e., nearly everything). So, this recap will be a quickie.


SHOCK #1: Iggy Pop is on the show. How did they talk him into this? Is he bankrupt? Does he have a memoir coming out?

SHOCK #2: Russell Brand stops by and is actually amusing. Wow, first time this guy has made me laugh since Forgetting Sarah Marshall. In a taped segment, Mr. Perry talks to the Idolettes about upping their performance skills, advising them to do coke, take their tops off (and not just the ladies), and sing from their groins. And then he calls Casey Abrams a "gorgeous hairball of wonder," which trumps any of the nonsense that Steven Tyler has barfed up so far.

SHOCK #3: Someone let Constantine Maroulis bang her. And there's proof: it has procreated. *insert Sideshow Bob shudder here* I FFed through his performance, so I have no idea what the human oil slick sang but I'm willing to bet it wouldn't have been SHOCKINGLY good.

SHOCK #4: During the Idolettes' trip to the TMZ office (evidently to receive advice on how not to end up tabloid fodder), Jacob Lusk asks if one of the staff members is single. A FEMALE staff member.


So, yeah. In a SHOCKING turn of events, we have to say "see ya" to Pia. Sure, maybe it's a SHOCK based on her vocal ability, but is anyone really surprised that this season of Idol is turning into yet another sausage fest? And was there anyone not expecting a SHOCKING elimination after the judges burned their save so early? This is all so beautifully scripted.

As for me, I'm not really that sad to see Pia go. Yes, she has a great voice but there are a million other girls just like her trying to clog up our airwaves with their soaring ballads. We really don't need that many. And I think it's really kind of funny that she got booted the week that she finally did an up-tempo song. I mean, come on. That's delicious. Also, she looked kind of smug standing there on the chopping block with Stefano, whom everyone (including me) assumed would be going home. Then when Seacrest dropped the bomb, no one looked more SHOCKED than Pia. Well, except for maybe Stefano.

What was the biggest NON-SHOCK of the evening, you ask? Seacrest prodding Pia to sing one last 9:01. Ah, let those Bones fans wait.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

American Idol 10: Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Booed

OK, here's the deal. I liked Steven Tyler when he first came on the show. I even thought Jennifer Lopez was a nice addition. And Randy Jackson surprised me by serving as the voice of reason early on. However, the quality of judging has steadily declined as the season has gone on and it's finally come to this: the judges have stopped doing their highly-paid jobs. It's either that or everyone this season is truly as great as they would have us believe. And, uh, they're not. True, this season is miles better than last season, but I'm a little tired of the judges overpaid superfans treating the Idolettes like they're already superstars.

And that's why I'm here. I'm not afraid to be honest a bitch. I'mma let you boo me. Because these are not the greatest singers of all time. But tonight some do well, some are aight and a few tickle my funny bone.

Tonight, the theme is Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, so the Idolettes get to pick any song from an inducted artist. Steven gives us all a brief tour of the HOF, but doesn't answer the long-burning question: Why the hell did they put it in Cleveland?

The show kicks off with Seacrest giving me the best laugh I've had in about a week by calling the Idolettes "rock stars in the making." Gwen Stefani is on hand to style the ladies and is there because...I don't know. I guess he lives in the apartment above the studio because he's always there. Todd Rundgren and Ryan Tedder will also be hanging around to look creepy and pretend all of his songs don't sound the same, respectively.

Up first is Jacob Lusk, who decides he can't do "Let's Get It On" because he can't sing about doing the nasty. So he trades in one overdone song for another, settling on MJ's "Man in the Mirror." Jacob makes the ridiculous proclamation, "If I end up in the Bottom 3, it won't be because I sang the song wrong, but it's because America wasn't ready to look at themselves in the mirror." Uhhhhh....what? If he ends up in the Bottom 3, it'll probably be partly because he's in the first spot and partly because he just gave that stupid speech. At first, I think Naima returned to sing backup, but it turns out to be Siedah Garrett, the song's co-writer. The vocals are fine for the most part but I'm totally bored by this song. Other than a few nice moments of prancing and hip-thrusting, it's not a very interesting performance. Of course, the judges act like this is the greatest moment of their lives so far, and J.Lo spews some Afterschool Special nonsense.

Haley Reinhart finally caves to all the judges' "Why can't you be more like Janis Joplin" talk by covering "Piece of My Heart." Even though I'm not a Haley fan, this is one of her better performances mainly because she seems very relaxed, like she's just singing in a bar. That said, the vocals are nasally in parts and the growling and sex noises are still pretty comical. Randy bellows, "That's the Haley we want!" so, if she knows what's good for her, she won't ever try to get out of the pretty little box they've built her. Steven says he couldn't find nothing wrong with that, which implies that he actually could find something wrong with it. But even if he found something wrong, he would never tell anyone.

Haley's rumored boyfriend, Casey Abrams (try not to imagine all the grunting and growling that goes on in that mansion after dark), goes the Jacob route and switches songs during rehearsals. After convinces him that his cover of The Police's "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" is "too loungey" (and probably not AutoTuned heavily enough for his taste), Casey trades it in for CCR's "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?" He whips out the upright bass and that's pretty much all he needs to do. But he goes one step further by turning in a good vocal. Randy claims that Casey is responsible for making the upright bass cool, but it's always been cool. Steven suggests that Casey "put some wheels on it and ride that thing around town," and Jennifer wants to sit in the front row at Casey's first concert.

Lauren Alaina and her wall of shellacked hair decide to take on Aretha Franklin's "(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman," penned by Aretha's fellow HOFer, Carole King. tells Lauren to tap into her "countroul" (country + soul) but this performance is about as soulful as a saltine. Lauren doesn't necessarily sound bad, she's just kind of bland. However, Christian Slater and his daughter think it's great, as do the judges. Steven says something to Lauren about growing from a girl to a natural woman during her time on the show. Note to Lauren: If Steven invites you to his place to talk business and look at his etchings, just say no. You'll just end up with itchings in your lady business.

Showing that his softer side is remarkably similar to Adam Lambert's softer side is James Durbin, who slows things down for The Beatles classic, "While My Guitar Gently Weeps." His voice sounds really nice in parts, but it's a little bit shaky in other spots. He steals the audience's collective heart by squeezing out a few real tears but then effs everything up with a completely out-of-place and painful screech at the end. Poor guy just can't help himself, can he? The judges have no problems with it though, and why would they? Life is swell! Idol is great!! EVERYONE IS A STAR!!!

Scotty McCreery pays tribute to his childhood hero, Elvis Presley, with a cover of "That's All Right," and this is where I lose it. He may as well have worn the rhinestone suit because this is like a comedy act. Not only is it not his best vocal performance, but also he looks like a drunk kid at a frat party, minus the attempted rape. And he's still holding the microphone like a messy burrito, I see. How has America become so enamored of this kid? Ugh. A gaggle of girls (who would roll their eyes and call me a h8r) rush the stage at the end of the song for some McCreepy McLoving. Do I even have to tell you what the judges think?

Christian Slater's daughter's other favorite (besides Lauren), Pia Toscano, is up next with an oft-promised, much delayed non-ballad. She chooses Tina Turner's "River Deep, Mountain High," probably because Celine Dion covered it. She sings it well, as always, but possesses all the performance skills of a cyborg. Steven screams, "Murderer!" to signify that Pia killed the song, and announces that, "There's a million guys in a million bars out there having a million drinks about you tonight." J.Lo thinks Pia is spectacular, aside from her robotic nature, and Randy is now defaulting to the "_____ is in it to win it!" critique.

Stefano Langone squints and licks his way through yet another overdone song, "When A Man Loves A Woman," and pulls off a pretty good vocal. He's sort of reminding me why I liked him in the first place, instead of making me fall asleep and/or hold my ears like he's done for the past couple of weeks. (Oh, and apparently you can sing ballads all the time as long as you're a dude.) When Randy dares to only give MILD praise (he just doesn't want to jump up and down for Stefano's performance), Steven and J.Lo threaten to light their torches and sharpen their pitchforks.

In the pimp spot is Paul McDonald, who is advised by to just be crazy. That, Paul can do. He picks up his guitar for a manic, somewhat cartoonish and totally dancetastic version of Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues." (I bet Paul and his purty mouth would be enthusiastically welcomed to any prison auditorium.) The vision of McSparkleteeth trying to bad-assedly claim that he shot a man in Reno just to watch him die is astoundingly amusing, but this is actually quite entertaining. Paul spins the dial all the way to "terrible," causing it to break and spin back around into "good" territory. I can't believe it either, but I have to give Paul the "Best of the Night" award. Seriously. His sandpapered helium voice somehow works on this song, and his spastic dance moves make me twitch right along with him. The judges love this performance, as do the other contestants, who return to the stage for a gleeful hoedown, which turns out to be just the perfect excuse for Jacob to back that ass up on Seacrest.

So, who will take the Walk of Shame to the Hall of Lame tomorrow night? Jacob is definitely going in the Bottom 3, so he better practice his sad/shocked/nervous/indignant face in the mirror tonight. I'm guessing that it'll be Lauren and Stefano joining Lusky on the uncomfortable stools before Stefano is sent packing.

Constantine Maroulis is performing on the results show. Better stock up on paper towels to sop up all the grease that will be streaming out of your television sets tomorrow night.

Find more Idol news and recaps at


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine