Thursday, April 30, 2009

American Idol 8 Results: 4/29/09 (Part II: Adam Lambert is Love)

I still haven't seen any footage from last night's results show, so I'm going to have to skip the full-fledged recap this week. I know, it's sad. But look, I need a break from those Ford commercials anyway. And I don't think I could've suffered through a Jamie Foxx song. I can't take him seriously as a singer. Or an actor, for that matter. He'll always be Wanda to me. Heyyyyyy.

After reading Candy's (first-ever) recap, I discovered that the only interesting thing that happened last night was that Madame Glambert was in the Bottom 2. People went nuts over the injustice of it all. Well, people who still have faith that the producers of this show aren't lying to us every other minute...and I am not one of those people.

Much like I will never believe that my beloved Michael Johns (Season 7) received the lowest amount of votes the week he was eliminated, no one can convince me that Adam was actually put in the Bottom 2 by the public. This show may use viewer votes, but I think they're used more like a loose guide to get a feel for which Idols are the most popular. Then, the producers take that info and manipulate things the way they want them. It's all about ratings.

Making it look like the clear star of the season is in danger of being ousted is a brilliant strategy, really. Because, even though I love Adam dearly, this season was turning into a bit of a snoozefest. It reminds me of the MLB, and why I don't follow baseball anymore. The teams who have the money win. No one else can even compete. It's no fun to watch the Yankees or the Braves walk away with their divisions every year. (ETA: Or whatever teams are winning these days. It's been pointed out that my references are dated. I stopped following baseball in 1992, people, what do you expect?) Even if you're a fan of those teams, I have to imagine that it just gets boring at some point. Same with this season of Idol. The guy with all the experience and charm always gives the best performance. Others may do well, but no one can hold a candle to him. Every week, he is the one viewers can't wait to hear - even the viewers who may not like his "screaming" vocals. Because he's interesting. And, for this show, he's something new. Something special. He's the glue holding this season together.

But he's also the constant reminder of how mediocre everyone else is. (With the possible exception of Allison. But even though she's got the chops, she doesn't have Adam's it factor.) Putting him on the chopping block was necessary. AI desperately needed to inject some life into this season.

They also desperately need to eject Kara DioGuardi.

As it turned out, the only one ejected last night was Matt Giraud, as I predicted. They lanced him like a giant boil on a forehead. (Hint, hint.) Just in time, too because next week is...


The esteemed Mr. Saul Hudson will be mentoring the Idols, so I hope he talks Adam into singing "Sweet Child O' Mine." Actually, no. Scratch that. Even though that would be awesome, I'm hoping that he morphs into Adam GlamRock with a cover of T. Rex's "20th Century Boy."

It's kind of sad that the mere thought of that possible performance is more exciting to me than anything I've seen from anyone else this whole season.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

American Idol 8 Results: 4/29/09 (Part I)

Ohhh shiiiiiiit. I'm supposed to be recapping this, right? Well, I snagged free tickets to the Toxic Avenger musical tonight and I just got home. (Seriously. I'm not kidding. That's a real thing!) You all know that my DVR-less ass can't recap anything until someone posts some videos online. And since I haven't seen anything yet, my thoughts on tonight's show are gonna have to wait until tomorrow.

The most important thing is this: Madame Glambert is still with us. Saints be praised.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

American Idol 8: Ain't This a Kick in the Head

It's Rat Pack night, so all of the contestants are dressed in their Sunday best. Paula chose to celebrate the genre by starting martini time extra early this morning, which must have caused her to misplace her cocktail dress. She covers brilliantly though by gluing giant rose petals to her breasts.

The guest mentor this week is Jamie Foxx. As if I even had to say it. Like his isn't the first name we all think of when we hear "Rat Pack."

I'm falling asleep already and the first performer hasn't even started yet. I have a feeling this is going to be a big old dud of an evening. Not because these songs aren't good - they are. But what made Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and the gang all stars wasn't vocal ability. They had charisma. They had stage presence. They knew how to deliver a song. And they oozed coolness. Aside from Adam (who's wearing a suit like everyone else, dammit), the Top 5 are a bunch of squares, man. Well, Allison's all right too 'cause she's a dame. A crazy, redheaded dame.

Here we are at square 1, otherwise known as Kris Allen. He is singing "The Way You Look Tonight" at an unreasonably slow tempo. It's almost as if he's trying to fill up this whole hour by himself. Then, more than half of the way through, the song inexplicably speeds up, just to switch back to super slo-mo for the ending. What the hell? This isn't a Led Zeppelin song. Cool it with the crazy tempo changes! Randy proves he hasn't been paying attention all season by proclaiming this Kris's best performance so far. I'm not even going to bother to relay what Kara says (to anyone) because I don't care. Paula calls Kris a "contemporary crooner," and then Simon says a bunch of weird stuff. Is he borrowing lines from Paula now? He says the performance was good but "a little bit wet." Eh? Then he says watching Kris is like taking a well-trained spaniel for a walk. Yeah! I know! That performance was like, uh, like eating mayonnaise while the wind is blowing. Or like sharing a biscuit with a manatee. Or like wiping your bum with a ShamWow. And if you ask me what that's all supposed to mean, I'm just going to roll my eyes and dismiss you like you're the one who doesn't know what you're talking about.

I jolt awake to find Allison Iraheta singing "Someone to Watch Over Me" in an ultra-husky manner. Even though she's a rocker chick, I think she was made for this kind of music because she sounds like a two-pack a day girl (at least) who's been knocking back a bottle of Makers Mark every day for the past 17 years. This is really good. The bee's knees. Maybe she should rethink the rock scene and do this kind of music. Oh my God. It's just like that '80s movie, No Small Affair, in which Demi Moore tries to make it as a rock star and Jon Cryer insists that she should sing jazz standards. They have a fight, but when she gets a record contract after singing "My Funny Valentine," she has sex with him before leaving his ass for fame and fortune. Well, okay, so Allison's performance isn't just like that movie, but it reminded me of it anyway. And you never know. Jon Cryer could be in the audience. They could get it on later. But since Allison's only 17, the cops would go after Cryer for statutory rape, which would force him to frost his tips, pretend he's a teenager, and hide out in a high school somewhere.

Back from pointless '80s movie tangent in 3...2...1...

Okay, so Randy says "Yo" a lot. In fact, I think that might be all he says to Allison. All the judges think she's great, but for some reason Simon tries to send her back to the kitchen where the ladies belong by spouting some garbage about how she's mechanical and lacks confidence, and then plants his evil seed in the viewers' minds by saying that she "could be in trouble" tonight. I wish to God that she will turn to Cowell and, in her deepest voice, give him the old "I've got chunks of guys like you in my stool!" Sadly, she passes up this opportunity.

Matt Giraud is still under the impression that he looks good in those stupid Timberfake hats. He still thinks he's got a falsetto worth showing off too. How deluded can one guy be? He sings "My Funny Valentine" and, while it's not as bad as whatever he sang last week, he's not going to be following in Demi Moore's footsteps and getting the big record contract on the strength of this performance. He has a better shot of getting it on with Jon Cryer. The judges' table is split on this one, as Randy and Kara think Matt was pitchy and not emotionally connecting with the audience, but Paula and Simon think the performance was expressive and authentic. I think Cowell just doesn't want to admit that he was wrong for saving Matt two weeks ago.

Smuggy Smuggerson informs everyone that he won't be changing up "Come Rain or Come Shine," surprising no one. When does he ever do anything even remotely original? He's gonna bore you like he always bores you come rain or come shine. He sounds okay, but it's the same old raspy yelling and gasping for air after every fifth word. There is nothing stunning about this performance. It's decent. But do you think the judges agree with that? Nooooo. One more tongue bath, coming right up! And just when I think that Danny can't get any more intolerable, he raises the bar. Paula says, "The best thing about you is that you can see the finish line ahead of you," while he stands there grinning like he just had sex with Ken Warwick's daughter. Really, Paula? That's the best thing about him? The misplaced confidence? The egomania? The dickheadedness? He can't even shut it off after the judges have finished their critiques. Danny brings up the finish line thing again and says, "I do see it. I DO." Then he makes that smarmy heart sign with his hands.

Finally, it's Adam Lambert's turn. He is the sole reason I didn't just call it a night when I started falling asleep at the top of the show. Of course, I am a little disappointed that he sort of fell in line this week. He usually likes to do the opposite of what people expect, so I was hoping that he would come out tonight in a Freddie Mercury leotard and full-body glitter to do a techno version of "The Candy Man." I knew that was probably just wishful thinking, but I wish he'd picked a more fun song, like "Lady is a Tramp" or "Mack the Knife." Instead, he picks "Feeling Good," a song that has been done on Idol before. He opts for the "rock version" of it (by Muse) and it's pretty good. I mean, it's Adam. He slinks down the giant lucite staircase and makes crazy stripper faces, so it's all good. And, as we've already established, the boy can sang. Randy says that it was all a little too theatrical (read: gay) for him, and Cowell says that's like complaining about a cow mooing. (Thank God it's the end of the night because I can't take any more of his ridonkulous analogies.) I will lift my ban on Kara's comments just for now, because I have to mention that she just called Adam sleazy. I know she means it as a compliment because she's a dirty slanket who enjoys sleaze, but how dare she! Ban reinstated. Paula says, "You make me feel better than good," but Adam's excitement is dampened when he realizes that she's just talking to her Coke cup. Simon tells Adam that he had the best entrance in the show's history, and forbids Ryan from using the giant staircase ever again. Well, there's $100,000 down the drain.

So, who will still be swinging next week and who will be sleeping with the fishes tomorrow night? It's hard to say. Clearly, Matt is the one who should be heading home this week, but Simon is foolishly pimping him while trying to throw Allison under the bus. The dame does NOT deserve to be voted off. Especially not after tonight, because she was fantastic. I would love to see Danny get the boot, but I predicted his premature evacuation last week and was wrong, so, unfortunately, I don't think he will be the subject of the "shocking elimination" this year.

It just better not be Adam.

Now that we're down to five, I'm guessing that there will only be a bottom two. I really don't know what the judges are trying to pull and I can't be bothered to try to crawl inside their brains. I'm just going to pick the bottom dwellers based on who I feel deserves to go. Kris and Matt will receive the lowest votes and Matt will finally take his mole and go home.

Watch video clips of tonight's performances on MJ's Big Blog.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Things I Learned Over the Weekend

Bea Arthur died. I was never a huge fan, and never joined the Golden Girls cult, but Bea seemed like a pretty cool and classy lady, and certainly was a TV icon. It was a shame to hear of her battle with cancer.

Susan Boyle plucked her eyebrows, dyed her hair, and bought a leather jacket. *sigh* How soon before she's clubbing with LiLo's momz?

Twitter is all the rage with every celebrity except the ones I actually give two shits about. Ashton Kutcher has the most Twitter followers? Seriously?? What could he possibly be doing that's of interest to anyone? Buying hats? And I never needed to know that Oprah can't work her caps lock, or that Courtney Love thinks that Pamela Anderson is a skank. I mean, really, celebs are always bitching about people not respecting their privacy, and now they're just finding new and more inane ways of broadcasting their every move? I hate this stupid service, and I will NEVER hand my life over to it...unless Eddie Vedder starts tweeting.

We are all thismuchcloser to exploding into a giant, gassy ball of flame. Seriously. On Friday it was rainy and chilly but on Saturday morning, I woke up in the deep end of a pool of sweat. Eventually, we'll be acting out a real-life version of that Twilight Zone episode, "The Midnight Sun," and Al Gore will be running around in his underwear yelling, "I told you so!"

If you don't believe in global warming, how is this for a sign that the end is near: Beyoncé's new flick, Basic Attraction or Fatal Instinct (or something like that), is the #1 movie in the country. Now, I'm not sure if she's the actual devil or just one of his minions, but I think there's no questioning that she's some sort of evil, supernatural being. There's no other explanation for this movie's success, or for how she can be everywhere at once.

I regret my earlier comments about Jason Segel's "creepiness." As I mentioned last week, I Netflixed Freaks and Geeks and fell in love with the show after the first three episodes. Well, after watching the following three, I started looking episodes up on YouTube because I couldn't wait to watch the rest of the series. Unfortunately, some of the audio had been removed from several of the clips, so I just went to Best Buy, bought the DVDs, and didn't move from my couch until I had seen every episode. And maybe I watched a few of them again, with commentary. And maybe I re-watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall. And maybe I found myself completely in love with Jason Segel by last night. And maybe I found myself hoping that he would be driving through my neighborhood one of these days and would pull over to ask me for directions. (You really have to click that link to see my initial assessment of him for this statement to make any sense.) So, it looks like the tables have turned and I am the creepy one now. I'm totally obsessed.

Obsessed! That's the name of Beyoncé's crappy movie.

Anyway, I want to be a good obsessor, but here is my problem. I have never seen a single episode of Jason's show, How I Met Your Mother. And even though I've heard only good things about it, I don't know if I can give my life to one more TV program. I don't have a fancy DVR like a lot of you, so it's not like picking up new shows is easy for me. In order to properly commit to a show, I have to schedule my life around it. Advice?

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Forgotten Classic Video(s) of the Week

Look, I know I'm only supposed to do two-fers on Tuesdays, but I forgot to post a video last week (again) and was too distracted by American Idol (again) to do the Two-fer Tuesday. You'll just have to deal with this unorthodox approach to days-of-the-week promotional tools.

Since it was Disco Week on AI, I thought I'd offer up some cheesetastic tunes for all you groovy guys and chicks.

First up is Andy Gibb's 1977 hit, "I Just Want To Be Your Everything." This is about as close to an "official" video as I can get for this song. This is a performance that cool people like myself will definitely remember. I mean, who could forget Andy jammin' in that satin varsity jacket with no shirt underneath?

Andy kind of needlessly turned a 2 1/2 minute song into over 4 minutes in this performance, but who cares. I can't even begin to explain how much I love this song.

Up next is a song that someone on VFTW suggested for Glambert during the week the Idols performed songs from the years they were born. I have to say it would have been a perfect choice, for that week or disco week. Sylvester is probably best-known for his disco classic, "You Make Me Feel Mighty Real," but you might also remember 1982's "Do You Wanna Funk," especially if you've seen Trading Places. (Who's been putting out they Kools on my floor?)

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

American Idol 8 Results: 4/22/09

Here we are again at Results Night. These intros get more and more dramatic every week. Suddenly, I feel like I'm watching CourtTV or something. I'm a little worried that there might be a live execution of the two contestants with the least votes.

Ryan wishes everyone a Happy Earth Day, but doesn't seem to care that it's also Administrative Professionals' Day. Well, why should Ryan be any different than my boss?

A big deal is made over the fact that P-Ab choreographed the group number for tonight. I guess with the success of So You Think You Can Dance and Dancing With the Stars, the Idol producers thought it might be good for ratings to do a "behind the scenes at the dance rehearsals" segment. Even if it has nothing to do with a singing competition, which we are occasionally led to believe this show is. In between scenes of Paula trying to teach the rhythmically challenged, we see Matt Giraud downloading his cover of "Let's Get it On" as his ringtone, bringing that song's download count up to 1.

No attempt is made to mask the fact that this performance of The Jacksons' "Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground)" is lip-synched. I had almost forgotten what a great song this is. Luckily, the kids aren't completely ruining it. (I should hope not, since they got to sing it in the studio.) I will also give them props for doing a pretty capable job with the choreography (except Gokey, who still looks like a complete rube), but it's just all so High School Musical. And, despite my creepy old lady lust for Zac Efron, that is not a compliment.

Oh God. Now they're giving Paula a big bouquet of flowers. She's waving like she's on a float.

Did Lil even get a singing part in that number? I saw her doing the boob shimmy, but I don't think she got a solo, yet Captain Caveman got two solo parts. Wow. If it wasn't already obvious that she's going home, it should be crystal clear now.

The Ford commercial...ugh, don't ask. It was so awful, I've already purged it from my memory.

Lil is called first and Ryan strings her along for a bit before eliminating her immediately. No Bottom 3 for her, just right out the door. Well, they do still make her sing again, even though she doesn't have to "sing for her life" at this point. She looks fantastic and sings slightly better than last night. The judges all assure her that this is just the beginning of her career. Whether or not that's a singing career remains to be seen. Lil seems like a cool chick and all, but I really don't see her pulling a J-Hud on us. I think she's more likely to follow in the footsteps of Tamyra Gray and LaToya London, two cast-offs who really went far after Idol. So far that no one can find them now.

Before getting to the rest of the results, we're treated to Old Timers' Day at Studio 54. (Or was that Studio 57? Kara?) The disco medley features:

  • Freda Payne singing "Band of Gold." Yikes. Okay, Lil sounded better than this lady. I realize that she's elderly now, but if she can't sing anymore, then she should stop. (She dances better than Gokey though, I'll give her that.)
  • Thelma Houston singing "Don't Leave Me This Way." Ah, she's paying homage to the Best of the Worst by dressing up like Margaret Fowler. And she continues the trend started by Ms. Payne of thrusting her 70-year-old pelvis into the young and impressionable crowd.
  • K.C. (minus the Sunshine Band) singing "Get Down Tonight." I can't decide who he looks more like - Squiggy or Mr. Kellerman from Dirty Dancing. This is just embarassing. Something tells me that if K.C. gets down tonight, he'll never be able to get back up. I hope he's wearing his Life Call necklace.
Okay, back to the results! That's what we're here for, right?

Kris is safe.

Seacrest makes Adam stand up and talk about his song choice before realizing that there is no way anyone would believe one of his Bottom 3 fake-outs, gets bored, and is like, ehhhhh, have a seat.

Danny is...SAFE. DAMMIT! I was so sure that he would be the "shocker" tonight. Oh, how I wanted to see his smug face contort into some hideous expression of outrage and disbelief. Poop.

Anoop is in the Bottom 3. No surprises there.

The last spot in the Bottom 3 belongs to either Giraud or Allison, and I already know that it won't be Captain Caveman the week after he got saved. Seacrest tries the fake-out but I already know exactly what he's going to say before he even says it. Allison ends up in the Bottom 3.

Vote For The Worst has now dubbed the show American Ethnic Cleansing.

And, appropriately enough, we get a nice big serving of white bread with the return of David Archuleta. He's singing the new single, "Touch My Hand," all while looking very awkward and making contractually obligated reach-outs into the tween pit. Mercifully, the song doesn't last too long, and then Seacrest leads Archie over to the uncomfortable stools. Now it's time for Davey's Corner! Last year's runner-up gives Anoop and Allison lots of uplifting advice and, gosh, golly, gee-whillikers, I don't know about those two, but I feel great!

That special lift is short-lived for Anoop, who is the second person leaving us tonight. He sings once more (this time wearing a salmon-colored shirt and sounding a bit better, as the cast-offs usually always do) before being joined by Lil to watch their combined farewell video. Ooh, lumping them together like that is really lame. The producers are a bunch of jerkoffs. (I know...newsflash, right?)

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

American Idol 8: They Should Have Taken That Left Turn at Funkytown

Ryan keeps the intro short and sweet, and Disco Night begins. Somehow, I don't think this will be even half as fun as it should be. But I'm convinced that no one will abuse this genre as brutally as Pierce Brosnan did in Mamma Mia, so that's some comfort.

Lil Rounds kicks things off with one of the standard-issue diva songs, Chaka Khan's "I'm Every Woman." I really don't even think this qualifies as disco, but whatever. It certainly doesn't give her any advantage because, as much as this show has tried to convince us of it, Lil is NOT a diva. She gives an average karaoke performance that I can't even concentrate on because she is wearing a cat suit that obscenely showcases her disco balls. I thought she was gonna put out Randy's eye with her left cheek at one point. Come critique time, the Dawg just reads from Kara's "You didn't show us what kind of artist you are" script while loudly sucking in air. Kara tells Lil that everyone has been waiting for her to cover Chaka but that "it wasn't worth the wait, honey." See? Aight. Yo. This is what I love, man. This is what I love about Kara, dude. She comes out EVERY week and shows us what a condescending bitch she is. That's how you do it, dawg!

Ugh. They're back to letting all four judges yap at each contestant. This show should be over by midnight.

Paula makes excuses for Lil by telling the audience that she had problems with her voice all week. (Uh, try for the last 6 weeks.) Then she tells Lil to unleash her inner goddess. Lil stops pouting and tells everyone that she had fun tonight. Simon says that he's glad she had fun, because this is her last week. She probably already figured that out when they stuck her in the lead-off spot of doom.

Kris Allen provides some deep insight to the story behind Donna Summer's "She Works Hard for the Money." Apparently, it's a song about a woman who works hard for the money. I had no idea. He may not be great with the small talk, but Kris is usually pretty good at rearranging his songs to suit his Jack Johnson/Dave Matthews style, and this is one of his better song transformations. The judges are going to eat this up with a spoon. I'm just wondering who will be the first one to say some version of one of the following phrases: "You are so current," "You could make a record right now," or "You stay true to yourself." Kara is up first and wastes no time telling Kris that his version of this song could be on his record. Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Paula prattles on about Kris shopping in the women's section. (Paula is saying a lot of stuff that doesn't make any sense tonight. I think she might still be celebrating 4/20.) Simon is more befuddled by her than usual. He also thinks that Kris is very original. Randy tells Kris that he's ready for the big time. Paula continues to yell over everyone that Kris shops in the women's section. Kris tugs at his thong.

Danny Gokey starts off Earth, Wind, and Fire's "September" with a giant, raspy roar. He continues the song in his usual over-enunciated, gasping for breath manner, all while dancing like that one drunk uncle who shows up at everyone's weddings. This is pretty much karaoke too, but I guess since Hokey doesn't go horribly off-key at any point, the judges won't call him on his lack of originality. They never do. He knows this, which is why he approaches judging with that intolerably smug face. He kind of makes me want to puke. I think I feel a few chunks stuck in my throat. Oh, look! Vince Neil is in the audience! And the chunks have been expelled. Thank you, motley douche. I feel much better now.

Randy claims that Danny "worked it out," because he took a song that isn't very melodic and made it work for him. What? Is Randy celebrating 4/20 too? "September" has a great melody! I wish these jerks would stop trying so hard to pat Hokey on the back. Kara says Danny is an incredible vocalist and comes close to saying that he has perfect pitch. Paula thinks Danny has "one of the sexiest voices ever" and thinks women of all ages will agree. Female blogger, BeckEye, 36, was heard scoffing openly at this suggestion. Simon finally states the obvious - Danny may have a pretty good voice, but he lacks any real star power.

Allison Iraheta follows the arrangement trend of the season by starting off Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff" with a slowed-down verse before launching into the up-tempo section. She's actually slowed down the whole song quite a bit in an effort to make it a hard rock number. She is trying WAY too hard to be the rocker girl here. She looks like she's passing a kidney stone throughout the entire performance. And I don't even know what to say about the anime hooker ensemble she's sporting. Randy and Kara don't like the arrangement, but think Allison is one of the best singers in the competition. Paula says Allison is edgy and authentic, and thinks her hair looks like thousands of fiery cobras slithering around on the face of the sun. Simon was a brilliant performance? Huh? Look, I'm an Allison fan, but that was not brilliant. Then again, the judges bandy that word about so much that I think it's probably lost all meaning at this point.

Adam Lambert is not in drag. He's not even wearing vinyl. He is in a suit. I am immediately crushed. Where is my Madame Glambert?? I thought disco night would be THE night! *sigh* Well, at least he chooses a song from a John Travolta movie, "If I Can't Have You," from Saturday Night Fever (not Saturday Night Live, as Kara would have us believe). Adam attributes the slow, stripped-down arrangement to Matt Orland. I don't know who that is, but he needs to get a new job. The arrangement totally doesn't fit the song. Adam always sounds like he's off the beat or like he's trying to cram too many words in where they don't belong. Of course, the vocal is great because he has an amazing voice, but this just isn't working for me. I appreciate that Adam always tries to bring something unexpected, so I understand why he did something like this for Disco Night. But still, he doesn't have to prove anything anymore. We all know he's got the voice. So, why doesn't he just have fun with a genre that fits like a glove? I want the REAL Glambert, which is some awesome mix of Adam Ant, Freddie Mercury, Mika, Axl Rose, and Bette Midler.

None of the judges seem to care that Adam left the glam at home tonight. Paula cries, Randy sputters out a few "dudes" and "dawgs," Kara is inspired (to leave the show, I hope), and Simon thinks Adam's vocals are "immaculate."

Matt Giraud tempts fate by choosing another SNF tune, "Stayin' Alive." Remember when LaKisha Jones got booted the week she sang this? Ah, the Gods of irony were looking down on us that night. Okay...hold on. Something's fishy here. OH. Wait one damn minute. What is Captain Caveman wearing? He totally stole Michael Johns' outfit from last year!! He just popped a stupid Timberfake hat on top, as if I wouldn't notice. Ugh. Well, he doesn't look good in it. He doesn't sound very good either. I'm amazed that he actually hits a bunch of those high notes that he always whiffs on but, even with that accomplishment, I can only wish for him to shut up. When he finally does, Randy uses his stock critique for the evening, "I didn't love the arrangement, but you can really sing." I don't care what Kara thinks. Paula tells Matt, "You pick songs like I bowl." Okay then. (You know, I bet bowling with Paula is a lot of fun. Every frame is the beer frame.) Simon finally starts doing his job as the Voice of Reason, and tells Matt that the performance came off as "desperate" and not very original.

Anoop Desai inexplicably gets the pimp spot with his version of the third Donna Summer song of the night, "Dim All the Lights." Oh my God, what is up with his creepy pedophile mustache? And the bright pink sweater? I can't even concentrate on this performance because his appearance is so distracting. That's a good thing though because, like everything Anoop does, it's pretty boring. Randy gives tonight's stock critique. (Last performance of the night - no use trying something new now. Or ever.) I still don't care what Kara thinks. Paula asserts that "real men know how to wear pink," and then jibber jabbers about "magical zones" and "beautiful teeth."

Looks like Operation: Dump Lil is in full swing. Yeah, she hasn't performed well for weeks but she was probably better than Anoop or Giraud tonight, yet the judges are heaping praise on them. Well, all except Cowell. He tells Anoop that he was "mediocre at best" and that this was his worst performance. I guess they don't celebrate 4/20 in England, because, aside from his weird over-praising of Allison, Simon seems to be the only one not judging under the influence tonight.

Because Giraud was pointlessly saved last week, two contestants will be leaving us tomorrow night. Lil will definitely be one of them. As for the other, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this is the week for the "big shocker." Every season needs one. It's a perfect time for it because the save has been used and we're whittling down the field to the Top 5. The Bottom 3 will be Lil, Anoop, and Danny, and Hokey will be ousted along with Lil, much to his smug surprise.

Watch video clips of tonight's performances on MJ's Big Blog.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.

BeckEye's Favorite Things

Just a random sampling of stuff I'm digging lately...

1. Anything involving Hugh Jackman.
A few weeks ago, my roommate and I watched his performance in the London production of Oklahoma! (available on Netflix) and nearly flooded our apartment building with drool. Now, the near-constant advertisements for X-Men Origins: Wolverine have me all atwitter (not to be confused with just plain Twitter, which is one of my least favorite things). And even though I've heard the Australia movie is pretty bad I will most likely Netflix it just because he has some shirtless scenes. Couldn't he just make a movie where he is shirtless, or in various other stages of undress, for the entire time? Plot is inconsequential. Why will Hollywood remake Footloose, but they won't make Shirtless?

2. Freaks and Geeks on DVD. I have Netflix to thank for this as well (I think I established that Netflix itself is one of my favorite things some time ago). I had never seen one episode of this show, but so many people raved about it that I've always wanted to check it out. So far, I've seen the first 3 episodes and I love it. The geeks are probably my favorite characters, especially Neal (Samm Levine). He's just so funny. I also have to say that, although I appreciate the beauty of James Franco's Daniel (besides the eterna-bags under his eyes), I totally would've gone for Jason Segel's Nick if I were Lindsay (Linda Cardellini). He's just so sweet and goofy and awkward. I know I've previously likened Jason Segel to someone who might enjoy exposing himself to pedestrians, and I still kind of get that vibe from him now, but he was rather adorably oafish back then. My biggest problem with this show is Seth Rogen. So far, he's the most useless character I've ever seen on a TV series. And why in God's name does he talk like a robot? It's maddening! Is that a big plot twist? The bad kids really are all freaks who built a Seth Rogen cyborg in someone's basement?

3. The Blogger following gadget. I fought it for a really long time, but holy cripes does it make life easier. Blogging life, anyway.

4. Fresh Direct. City life (without a car, to boot) never sucks more than when you have to do laundry or go grocery shopping. Especially when you live in a 3rd floor walk-up and own no carts of any sort. So, about a month ago, I started using this fabulous service. I just go online, pick the groceries I want, and someone else hauls them up the three flights of stairs for me. Now if only I could get someone to come to my place, sort my laundry, go do it, and bring it back while I sit on my ass and watch American Idol, I would have it made.

5. Pandemonium Ensues, Glenn Tilbrook and The Fluffers.
I forgot to tell everyone that I met Glenn Tilbrook again earlier this month when I went to see him and his band in Teaneck, NJ. Someone took a picture of us, but I look AWFUL in it, so I'm not posting it. I know, I know, I'm so vain. I bet I think this blog is about me. Anyway, I picked up the new CD (which was lovingly signed by all) and I'm really digging it, especially the first single, "Still."

That's it for now. But stay tuned for the inevitable AI recraps!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Wherefore Art Thou, Billy and Vince?

Does this ever happen to YOU? You go to someone's blog to read a new post...and the blogger just directs you to a different blog?

Well, it's happening now, kids. I'm over at Fire That Agency today, talking about the new must-have product, the Drop Stop. Check me (and it) out!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Well, If The Whole World is Talking About Her...

Between my Easter "vacation," trying to sort out my sleep schedule, working, and re-designing the blog, I haven't had a chance to mention the newest Internet sensation - Susan Boyle of Britain's Got Talent.

If you are one of the few people on the planet who doesn't know who she is, check out her performance of "I Dreamed a Dream." I can't post it here, as embedding has been disabled on every video clip I've tried. (I blame Piers Morgan for that. Just because he's a dick.)

So, I will go on record, even though it may destroy my reputation as a hard-ass, and say that this brought a tear to my eye the first time I heard it. Not really because I was so happy to see this lady floor everyone (although that was surely part of it), but mainly because I can't hear a song from Les Misérables without getting all weepy. And this one happens to be one of the more depressing (and beautiful) ones.

Now, millions of posts have been made about Susan, so I'm not going to pile on further and repeat what everyone else has said. Instead, I'd like to rebuild my reputation as a hard-ass by focusing on some other people.

  • To the eye-rolling emo brat at :46 - You look like a whore with all that paint on your face. What are you, 13? Please go soak in a tub of cold cream for an hour. Oh, and do something about that horrible helmet hair.
  • To the girl making a stinkface at :56 - You're like a cross between Gerard Depardieu and a character from Wallace and Gromit. Are those your teeth, or did you just empty a whole box of Chiclets into your mouth?
Neither of you little snot-nosed punks have any right to feel so superior. I guess the lesson here is, if there's a chance that you'll be caught on TV making fun of someone else's appearance, you might want to try to look better. A lot better.

Also, to the audience: I'm sure you think you're being nice when you're constantly applauding while someone is singing, but you're wrong. It's actually pretty rude and annoying, because no one can actually hear the person sing. I realize that, to encourage your enthusiasm, the producers of BGT probably give you all Leona Lewis CDs and those disgusting creme eggs that the Brits like so much. But that doesn't mean that you should never stop screaming.

Finally, to the two goofball hosts: When you're not "hosting," zip it. For all of Ryan Seacrest's faults, he at least knows how to shut up when people are performing.

I guess I should end on a slightly less grumpy note here, eh? Okay.

I love you, Susan Boyle! You go, girl! You remind me slightly of Mrs. Hoggett from Babe. I love her. If there is ever a Babe 3 (and if the Vin Diesel Go Fast series is already in its 4th unwanted and unnecessary installment, there had damn well better be another Babe movie in the works), I hope you'll be in it. But, more than that, I hope you get a part in Les Miz when it comes back to Broadway (which will be soon, hopefully) so that I can go and cry and snot all over the guy next to me.

P.S. Why does Simon never look at me like that??

Friday, April 17, 2009

It Begins...

I think I might have warned you folks that I was going to change my blog design. I had a test blog running for a month or so and everything seemed fine but, of course, when I went to change everything over to my real blog, I had nothing but problems. I guess it still needs some tweaking here and there, but it's after 4 in the damn morning and I've been fiddling with this thing for way too long. Hopefully you like the new look. If you don't, well, you're just a jerk, aren't you?

I'd like to give a shout-out to my bro, Mr. Yak, for hooking me up with the blog header, featuring that cartoon me who's actually much cuter than the real me.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

American Idol 8 Results: 4/15/09

Okay, okay, so I totally zonked out at, like, 8:00 last night and completely missed the results show. Don't try to make me feel bad about it.

Turns out, I missed something kind of interesting and rather surprising. Not surprising as in "Wow, that's really cool!" but surprising as in, "Wow, are they serious?"

Thankfully, I don't have to torture myself by watching the Ford commercial, the group sing, or stupid "musical" guest, Miley Cyrus. I'm just going to watch some of the clips on MJ's Big Blog and give you all some quick highlights. There aren't really that many.

  • The contestants went to the premiere of 17 Again. Yes, it was like a huge advertisement for the movie but OMG Zac Efron was in the audience!! Okay, so I totally have an old lady crush on him and I don't care who knows it. Especially since I just found out recently that he is, in fact, over 17 (he's drinking age, even) so I no longer feel like a pedophile when I look at him.

  • Jennifer Hudson made her triumphant return to the Idol stage and proved, once again, that she's ten times better than her season's winner, Screechtasia. According to MJ, this was a pre-taped segment. It must have been because the camera never showed the judges during her performance and they never talked to her afterwards. The four people at the judges' table were obviously seat fillers, because the real Paula would have been up doing the seal clap and be-bopping around like a moron, completely oblivious to the people behind her who can't see.

  • The group sing...okay, so I did "torture" myself by watching it. But only because I read that they sang "Maniac" from Flashdance and I figured it had to be hilarious. And it's a song about a Pittsburgh girl, so it's all good. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but that group sing was actually pretty enjoyable. I thought it would be a big cheesy mess, but everyone did really well with their solo parts. (Although I think Allison sang all the wrong words.) Every time they all sing together, it's a little doofy, but it seems like they've finally learned how to harmonize with each other. I mean, the song is from an '80s movie about a burlesque dancer/welder who wants to be a ballerina, so it should be at least a little cheesy. And it was just the right amount.

  • Ryan didn't separate everyone into two groups and force either Gokey or Glambert to decide which group was the Bottom 3, like he does every year. I guess Idol has finally figured out that it's a really annoying practice.
That's pretty much it for the highlights. Told you there weren't many.

My Bottom 3 was off by one - Anoop took Allison's place alongside Matt and Lil. However, my prediction for who would go home was completely wrong, as Matt found himself in the pesky position of having to sing for his life. Completely unjustified because, although Matt has turned in some crappy performances, he's also turned in some good ones and Lil hasn't been good since the semi-finals.

Matt sounded much better in his performance last night than on Tuesday's show, aside from a few of those crappy high notes. Paula and Kara were swaying like drunken fools to some other beat the entire time. Simon was sitting there next to them looking like every annoyed dad who was ever forced to take his tweens to see New Kids on the Block.

Since I'm late on this recap, you probably all know by now that the judges used their save on Matt. Watching it back, it felt SO pre-planned. From Seacrest poking and prodding Matt after his performance, excitedly asking, "Will they save you??" to the audience erupting into a "SAVE SAVE SAVE" chant to Kara and Paula acting like they were going to scratch Simon's eyes out if he didn't agree to use the save. And even though Simon told Giraud that he wasn't better than Tuesday night and had no chance of winning the competition, they saved him anyway.

I swear, I've never seen Seacrest that excited before. "IDOL HISTORY HAS BEEN MADE!!!" I hope someone checked his pants after the show.

Simon told everyone not to be so quick to congratulate Matt since two people have to go home next week week is....disco week. Well, that probably sucks for Matt, but I'm nearly pooping myself with excitement over the possibilities for Adam. It's another chance for him to try to get "It's Raining Men" by TPTB!

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

American Idol 8: Too Bad The Terminal Isn't Known For Its Soundtrack

In case you're wondering about the odd post title - I was supposed to be returning to New York tonight after a long Easter weekend in Pittsburgh. First of all, I don't know why I have this habit of scheduling flights that interfere with my Idol viewing. Secondly, I don't know why I always forget that no flight back to New York is ever on time. I think if more than two flights into any NYC airport arrive on time on any given day, the fabric of the universe will unravel.

Anyway, here I am, still in Pittsburgh since my 6:45 pm flight was possibly going to take off after midnight. And they weren't even sure about that. So, after waiting around for two hours with the possibility of facing at least four more, I booked a seat on the freaking 5:45 am flight back tomorrow so I can still make it to work. Not only am I aggravated by all of this nonsense, but also because I had to miss AI for no reason. Tonight's show better have been good. (From what I've seen in some other recaps, it wasn't.)

Hopefully, Paula didn't do anything spectacularly bizarre tonight in between performances, because I can only base my recap on the performance/critique videos.

Two interesting things about tonight:
1. All the contestants are hanging on guest mentor, Quentin Tarantino's, every word, mistaking his psychotic energy for musical knowledge.
2. The judges' comments have been limited due to Paula and Kara's inability to stay on topic and keep their blathering to a minimum. Therefore, each contestant will only get critiqued by two of the judges.

Allison Iraheta...why? You're one of my favorites. Why would you do this to me? You're seriously gonna sing that love song to an asteroid? NOOO!

I knew I wouldn't escape "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" on movie song night. Still, I thought Hokey or Giraud would do it. I expected better of Allison. And, even though the girl can "sing the phone book," as they like to say, this is way overdone. Honestly, I wouldn't have cared if Allison had pulled out the greatest vocal ever heard by human ears. I would have still hated it because the song is pure evil. Hasn't anyone figured this out yet? Come on, it's the theme song to Armageddon! Armageddon, people! Diane Warren is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse! The end is near! THE END IS NEAR!!

By the way, Paula claims that Allison possesses the same "special sauce" as Adam. Heh. Not quite. But Simon is right when he says that Li'l Red is the girls' only hope in the competition.

Anoop Desai airs out the other stale, overdone, overwrought ballad that was guaranteed to make an appearance tonight, Bryan Adams' "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)." This is all very nice and in tune, but I'm bored stiff. Randy and Kara both think it's great, and Kara even feels an emotional connection to Anoop. She must be daydreaming about him swinging across the stage in his green tights and swooping her up in his big frat boy arms.

It's unfortunate that Adam Lambert doesn't sing "A View to a Kill" or anything from Xanadu or The Rocky Horror Picture Show, because that would've made my life. For some reason, he chooses "Born to Be Wild" from Easy Rider, but still rocks it out and vamps it up. The Glam One can sing anything. Simon thinks that it was good, but like something out of Rocky Horror, so I guess he didn't actually have to sing a song from the show to get that vibe across. (I didn't feel that. I just think Simon automatically hears "Sweet Transvestite" in his head when he sees a guy wearing makeup and black nail polish.) Paula jumps up and down like she's at a pep rally and says that what makes Adam great is that he dares to dance in the path of greatness. Is that a quote from a David Lynch movie or something?

Matt Giraud takes us back to boring Bryan ballad land with "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" (Ryan stands in the wings during the performance, vehemently shaking his head no.) This actually doesn't start out bad, but as soon as Matt starts reaching for those high notes, especially during the painful bridge, it quickly falls apart. Randy says that it wasn't one of Matt's best, and Kara assumes that since the judges' comments were cut down, that means that she can prattle on for the length of time it would normally take for all four of them to chime in. While Simon sits there mocking her, she goes on and on about how Matt keeps going back and forth between rock and soul. This is exactly what they did to my beloved Michael Johns - jumped down his throat every time he sang a rock song. However, there are some major differences here. First of all, this lonely housewife anthem is NOT a "rock" song. Secondly, Matt is not nearly as good a singer as Michael Johns. Thirdly, and most importantly, Michael Johns is sex on a stick and Matt Giraud is the missing link. (Okay, so maybe #3 wasn't the most important point, but it was worth mentioning anyway.)

OH MY GOD. Everyone but Adam so far has picked a ballad! Danny Gokey certainly isn't about to buck the trend, opting for the Lionel Richie/Diana Ross duet, "Endless Love," from the very crappy Brooke Shields movie of the same name. Quentin tells him to put his emotion into his eyes instead of his hands. (If Tyra Banks is watching this, she is nodding in approval.) Danny still does the annoying "reach out" gestures, but he ditches the stupid glasses so everyone can have a better view into his soul. Apparently, his soul feels squinty. Danny, Ryan, and the judges manage to get through the song and critiques without mentioning you-know-who, but Danny looks up to Heaven at the end of the song and Simon congratulates him for singing a song that was obviously emotional and personal for him, so that counts as wife pimpage. The vocal itself isn't horrible, although there are some pretty wobbly notes, especially the high ones.

Kris Allen sings the Academy Award-winning song from Once, "Falling Slowly," which impresses Quentin, who says that Kris lived up to the spirit of the theme by picking a song from a movie that meant something to him. I'm so sick of ballads at this point, but Kris does a pretty good job. Unlike Matt, he always seems to be able to hit the high notes. In his video package, he mentioned that he was going back and forth on whether or not to play an instrument and he ultimately chose not to. I think he should have played the piano because this is a real singer-songwriter tune, not some standard-issue love song. I think it would have just felt more real had he been behind the piano, or even playing guitar. Still, I liked it for the most part. Randy and Kara split, with The Dawg not digging it at all, and Kara proclaiming it one of Kris's best moments ever.

They're speeding through the critiques now. How is it that they're STILL running late? Maybe they should just let Simon critique everyone and send the other three to the bar. Paula's friends with the bartender, so I'm sure they'd be well taken care of.

Quentin thinks that Lil Rounds' version of "The Rose" is fantastic, which makes me think he was probably writing scenes for his next movie in his head while she was singing. He could NOT have been listening to that. Wow. She is seriously all over the place. How did she get the pimp spot with this mess? Lil says that she wanted to give the song a "more gospel" feel. If that's gospel music, I no longer feel badly about not going to church. Paula critiques Lil by not really critiquing her, so she obviously thinks it was bad. Simon tells Lil that she isn't the artist he thought she was, which prompts back-sass from Lil, complete with some furious head bobbing. Clearly, she wants to stab him and, although I don't blame most of these contestants for finally reaching their limits with the judges, the back talk usually always results in an elimination. Unless your name is David Cook.

In the future, TPTB should put a limit on the number of ballads allowed per evening. Seriously. This was a ridiculously boring night. If it had been a movie, I would've demanded my $12 back.

Tomorrow night, Allison, Matt, and Lil should find themselves in the Bottom 3. Allison will fall victim to the lead-off spot of doom, and Matt and Lil will be victims of their own bad singing. The results show will end with the curtain falling on Lil Rounds.

Watch video clips of tonight's performances on MJ's Big Blog.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Caption Crotch-test Contest #21

BREAKING NEWS: Photographic evidence that pigs can fly!

That's a pretty mean winning quote but, since I have been accused of being mean-spirited from time to time, I figured I'd embrace it at this very holy time of the year.

This month's winner is first-time Firecrotch, Catherinette Singleton of Bridget Jones Has Nothing on Me. She's been so careful with all of those bachelors...little did she know that her loins would be set ablaze by a silly little contest.

Only a few of the entries this month elicited a chuckle from me, although my sister informed me today that this picture isn't funny. I explained to her, as I'll explain to all of you now, that the picture doesn't necessarily have to be funny on its own. YOU people are responsible for MAKING it funny. Of course, what's funny is entirely up to me, but you should all know by now that I'm a sucker for A) bad puns, B) the absurd, and C) the juxtaposition of other pop cultural references. And now I guess I should add D) downright rudeness.

Your runners-up are:

"Miss Knowles was slowly lowered into the Pit of Despair while the crowd cheered on." - Katrocket

"Beyonce is the latest to fall out of favor on Fox's midseason hit, 'America Drops Tiresome Celebrities Into A Pit Of Drunken Alligators.'" - Words Words Words

Friday, April 10, 2009

This Just In: Kanye West Humbled, But Still An Asshole

If you're anything like me, this week's episode of South Park still has you laughing...and craving fish sticks. 'Cause we're gay like that.

I guess Kanye finally realized that what doesn't kill him makes him stronger, and responded in a surprisingly good-natured way:


Maybe one of these days, Kanye will learn how to be a doper typer, which starts with him turning off the CAPS lock.

For those of you who don't watch South Park, you should probably seek this episode out, because it's hilarious. Here is their parody of Kanye's "Heartless," aptly titled "Gay Fish."

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

American Idol 8 Results: 4/8/09

When I first tuned into tonight's results show, I thought I had stumbled upon an alternate Idol universe. Paula was wearing opera gloves like it was the finale, and Randy actually said something that I completely agreed with (that last night was disappointing, overall). But then Kara's broken record started skipping on the "some people don't know who they are as artists" part, and I realized that it was the same old same old.

I started wondering why I waste my time watching this show. Sometimes I think I'll stop and use that time to do something more productive. But it's so hard to change. I began to think...if only I had a guardian angel to tell me what to do. You know, like Debbie Reynolds had in Tammy? And then he appeared! And just as I imagined - in the form of Frankie Avalon! Singing the wrong song, but I won't hold that against him.

Actually, Frankie didn't come to help me out of my Idolstential crisis. He showed up to sing "Venus" to not only an audience who largely didn't know who he was, but also to Lord Cowell as a way of reminding him that the song was released in the year he was born - 1959. Simon's turning 50 soon! Thank God. He'll go through menopause and we won't have to deal with his constant PMS anymore.

And what's worse than PMS? The group sings. This week's mangling of Kylie Minogue's "Can't Get You Out of My Head" was particularly wretched. Somehow these kids managed to turn a dance club favorite into a funeral dirge.

Usually I hate the Ford commercials even more than the group sings, but tonight's didn't bother me too much. Mostly because, during the behind-the-scenes moments, we got to hear Scott's funny Cowell impression and see Glambert happy as a little girl to be wearing glittery makeup. The video was set to a Top 8 cover of Britney's "Circus," which instantly put sugarplum visions of Adam singing "Toxic" in my head. Oh please, oh please, oh please let it happen this season!

Finally, Ryan got to the results. He asked Adam, Kris, and Anoop to stand and let Adam off the hook first. As if anyone thought he would be in the bottom.

Let me rephrase that. No...never mind.

As I predicted, the girls saved Kris and Anoop found himself in the Bottom 3 again.

Did anyone see that guy sitting behind Pauler? The dude in the hat? Was that Season 6's very own Chrustin Richardslake™? I couldn't quite tell.

Flo Rida came out to perform and I turned right round and walked out of the room. It never ceases to amaze me what passes for entertainment these days. Jeebus, I sound old.

Ryan proclaimed Gokey safe. He looked smug. Nothing new there. Matt was also safe. Scott was sent to the Bottom 3.

It came down to Allison and Lil was at about this point that I was looking for something heavy to hurl through my TV screen. Seafoam's childish attempts to fake all of the contestants out is getting really stale. Well, not "getting." It already was stale, but now there's mold growing on that shit. Can someone tell him?

Lil was the last one to be called to the Bottom 3. Woo-hoo! I got all three right. I'm like Nostradamus up in here!

Kellie "Whut's A" Pickler came back to the Idol stage just in time to remind me how much I didn't miss her. Although I'm no Kellie fan, I actually like her new single, "Best Days of Your Life," co-written and featuring backing vocals by Taylor Swift. The best part of this performance was that Kellie showed up by herself, so I didn't have to put up with Muskrat Girl. But Kellie really should have brought along 2 or 3 (or 15) backup singers to help her out, because a lot of that was pitchy, dawgs. And did she enroll in the Danny Gokey School of Singing recently? She nearly ran out of breath every time she got to the chorus, and damn near collapsed at the end of the song.

Ryan got back to the results and sent Lil back to the comfy couches first, leaving Scott and Anoop on the chopping block. Unsurprisingly, Scott was the one made to "sing for his life."

During Scott's performance, I couldn't help but laugh at Kara, who pretended like she was trying to convince Cowell to save Scott when she saw the camera was on her. Scott sounded mildly better than he did last night, but if he wanted to have any shot, he should've not gone for those high notes this time around. But he did, and they still remained well out of his reach.

Simon claimed that there were two votes for and two against Scott, so everyone wasted time and prolonged the mock-drama until Simon finally just said they wouldn't be saving Scott. He didn't seem that broken up about it. Then Seacrest turned Scott around to watch his farewell video package, as if he could see it. *sigh*

Even though I wasn't a fan of his singing, I do like Scott and I wish him well. He's a nice guy with a good sense of humor. I think I might even miss him. And I know I'll miss his hot brother.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

American Idol 8: Some People Don't Deserve To Be '80s Babies

Tonight's theme is "Songs from the Year You Were Born." No, not YOU. Each Idol contestant. At first I thought this would be great because all of them except for Allison were born in the '80s. Unfortunately, not many of them seem to appreciate MY decade and pick a bunch of garbage that makes me totally mental.

Who is the creepy, miserable-looking, lurchy bald guy they keep showing in the audience? Is he Ryan's bodyguard? Secret Service? A Terminator? Max Headroom? The guy never blinks.

Danny Gokey (1980) gags me with a spoon straight out of the gate by doing "Stand By Me," a song that was written and recorded by Ben E. King in 1961. Hokey works his way around this by claiming to cover the Mickey Gilley version that was recorded for Urban Cowboy. Ahem. First of all, if everyone is supposed to be picking songs from the year they were born, cover songs should be off-limits. Secondly, I have seen Urban Cowboy, like, 500 times, and this sounds nothing like the Mickey Gilley version. It's like some awful calypso/gospel/fake soul mess being sung by Michael Bolton. Kara and Paula are dancing like idiots though, so I fully expect the judges to give Danny a tongue bath. Randy tries to convince us, once again, that this show is about "vocal talent." Kara rambles and Paula pretty much suggests that Danny set the bar so high that everyone else might as well go home. I think Simon just told Paula that he can't stand her, so I'm savoring that moment too much to pay attention to what he's saying to Hokey.

Kris Allen (1985) tells us that his childhood dream was to be a taxi driver. And that aspiration actually makes more sense than his song choice. For some reason, he decides to choke on Don Henley's big ball of cheese, "All She Wants To Do Is Dance." Oh my God. WHY?? Why didn't he just pick "Boys of Summer?" Or, if he wanted a funky song, why not Sting's "If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free?" Oh man, if people keep picking the worst of the '80s, I'm going to have an aneurysm before this night is over. Kris takes Giraud's spot down in the idiot pit and really stinks up the place with a horrible, Vegas-y arrangement. Jeez. Just when I was starting to like this guy. Simon and Randy both use the magic word, "indulgent," (remember to SCREAM, kids!), and Paula calls the Henley tune a "laudedly same-notes song." What does that mean?? God, my head hurts.

As soon as I found out that Lil Rounds was born in 1984 , I knew that she would be doing Tina Turner's "What's Love Got to Do With It." There are even fewer surprises in the performance than in the song selection, as Lil tries her best to make the Tina faces and do the little Tina strut. The vocals are not very good, and all of the judges agree that it's a weak performance. Simon even calls Lil out on trying to copy Tina's walk and mannerisms, branding her a "second- or third-rate impression." I agree, and I've pretty much had it with Lil. This woman has not had a truly good performance since her version of Mary J. Blige's "Be Without You" in the semi-finals. Of course, Lil promises the judges and the audience that she'll "bring it" next week. She's been saying that for a month now! What does she do - pack it, put it on the kitchen counter, and then leave for the theater without it every week? Lil, leave some damn post-its around the mansion or something! Don't leave home without it again, or you're done! Seriously.

Hey, there's Brooke White in a DSW commercial! How tragic that it's the most exciting thing I've seen so far tonight.

Anoop Desai (1986) apologizes for acting snooty last week, and then unapologetically launches into Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors." I hated when Phil Collins covered this song and I hate it now. It's not that I don't think that anyone but Cyndi should be allowed to sing it, but it would be nice if someone with some heart and soul covered it. Evidently, I am watching a completely different show than the judges because, while I am bored stiff and resort to counting Anoop's eyebrow hairs (only made it to 247) to pass the time, everyone tells him how great his vocals were and Paula even tosses in "magical."

True to form, Scott MacIntyre (1985) chooses a schmaltzy ballad, Survivor's "The Search is Over." He actually takes Paula's advice and comes out from behind the piano to play the guitar, which he's apparently had about 10 lessons on. The guitar part is way too loud and completely out of place, but his vocals aren't that bad. Oops, no, I spoke too soon. He tries to go for some high-pitched power notes near the end and starts singing in a key that never existed until tonight. Kara says there were some good moments and some bad moments, while Paula, refusing to admit that she gave the dude seriously bad advice, applauds him for getting out of his comfort zone. Simon suggests that Scott return to the piano immediately, and Randy says the performance was just "okay." I'm not sure if that's better or worse than "aight" on the Dawg scale.

Allison Iraheta (1992) sings Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" incredibly well, leaving me with a complete lack of snark. She's just really good - there's nothing much else to say. All of the judges give the youngest competitor (you do all know she's only 16, right??) high marks, and Randy compares her to Kelly Clarkson. For some reason, Simon starts picking at Allison's alleged "lack of personality," as if he knows she couldn't be voted into the Bottom 3 based on her vocals, and is trying to paint her as unlikable. I don't know why he would be doing that, but it makes no sense to say that Allison doesn't have any personality. She's a goofy teenager, and perfectly likable. If she lands in the Bottom 3 again this week, some serious bullshit is going on.

Matt Giraud (1985) is up next. VFTW has been calling him Cro-Magnon FootFace, which is seriously the funniest name ever. And rather fitting. I can't believe I ever toyed with the idea that he might be cute. He was definitely found in a crevasse and thawed out by Idol's producers over the summer. If he isn't a caveman and really was born in 1985, why would he pass over some of the great music of that year for "Part-Time Lover?" Man, I hate that song. I like Stevie Wonder and all, but if I ever met him, the first thing I'd do is smack him in the face for writing this steaming turd. I will give it to Captain Caveman here - he is making the song semi-bearable by replacing the lame synth arrangement with some funk - but I still hate his falsetto and wannabe Timberlake clothes. The judges needlessly spaz out over Matt's performance, as Randy and Kara proclaim it one of the best of the night and Paula gives him a standing ovation. I don't get it. No way he was better than Allison.

In his video package, Adam Lambert (1982) reveals that he used to love "playing dress-up but not sports." Lonely housewives and misguided teens out there who still think he's not gay...only vowels are left. Why don't you try solving the puzzle? Okay, so I'm kind of disappointed that Adam didn't queen out this week. His birth year has some great songs that would have been perfect for him - "Body Language" by Queen, "Gloria" by Laura Branigan, and, my personal choice for him, "Rudy" by Cher. (I think "It's Raining Men" would have been WAY too much to hope for.) Alas, he opts for "Mad World" by Tears For Fears, but does it in the somber style of Gary Jules' cover on the Donnie Darko soundtrack. His vocals are amazing, as always, but I was just so looking forward to hearing the '80s Glambert-style. Well, regardless of what he sings, what I really appreciate about Adam (aside from his general fabulosity) is that he seems to go out of his way to choose songs that haven't been done on Idol before. That's just one of a thousand reasons I always look forward to his performances. The judges don't really get to critique Adam because the show is running long again, but Simon responds to him with a rare standing ovation.

During the recap of the night's performances, the producers made sure to highlight Scott's WORST moment, so he should definitely be in the Bottom 3 this week. Lil and Kris should be joining him, but I have a feeling that the girls will keep Kris out of danger, and it will be Anoop taking that 3rd stool. (It doesn't really matter, since they both deserve it.) I think the show has finally tired of Scott, so he will be the one heading home (on the arm of his hot brother) tomorrow night.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.

Forgotten Classic Video(s) of the Week

I dropped the ball on the classic video again last week so, this week, I'm bringing you another Two-fer Tuesday!

When Moxie recently requested A-ha's "Hunting High and Low," I did a quick search of my blog and was surprised to discover that I had never posted their follow-up to "Take On Me," "The Sun Always Shines On TV." I quite liked A-ha back in the day, mostly because I had a huge crush on the keyboardist, Mags Furolooder...or Froomshenolden...or Flurmenschnorgel...or something that was much harder to pronounce than "Nick Rhodes," which could be part of the reason I stuck by Nick even when he started wearing more makeup than Tammy Faye Bakker.

Aside from mega-hit, "Take on Me," these two songs pretty much wrap up the A-ha catalog. I'm sure they recorded other songs, but I doubt any of my regular readers could name one...unless your last name ends in "oo" or contains one or more umlauts.

"The Sun Always Shines On TV"

"Hunting High and Low"

ETA: Okay, so I had originally confused "Hunting High and Low" with "The Living Daylights." (You can understand why I'd be confused, right?) Thanks to the British, non-umlauted Imaginary Reviewer for setting me straight. I'll bet he has some Norwegian blood flowing through his veins. I've actually always imagined that he looks kind of like Thor.


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine