Welcome to The Pop Eye's 6th Annual Schmoscar Awards! 'Twas a rather boring telecast this year, but the show must go on. (Enlarge any of the photos for a closer look.)
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
- Casey Abrams - Plays stand up bass and melodica. Acts like a weirdo. Looks like my lazy blogging pal and Firecrotch Extraordinaire Words Words Words. He's cool.
- Naima Adedapo - Nice voice, nice personality.
- Lauren Alaina - I don't know what was up with the Barbie Cowgirl ensemble she's sporting tonight, but I had no doubt this girl would make it through. Something about her really bugs me though.
- Jovany Barreto - He reminds me of a friend of a guy I used to date. Said friend was a total cheeseball. Thus, for me, Jovany reeks of cheese. He's actually a better singer than I originally thought, though.
- Kendra Chantrelle - Boring. She'll be gone early.
- Jordan Dorsey - This guy's kind of a dick, but sings well enough.
- James Durbin - Thank God for the mute button. Seriously, the guy said before his final performance that he needed to prove to the judges that he's not just another Adam Lambert who screams during every song. So how did he go about trying to accomplish that goal? By shrieking the entire way through "A Change is Gonna Come," a song that Glambert did on the show.
- Clint Jun Gamboa - A little too over the top. Plus, his stupid glasses make him look like some sort of exotic, poisonous bug.
- Tim Halperin - Lee DeWyze v2.0, minus the paint store job and absolute lack of charisma. Not that Tim is especially charismatic, but he can at least string more than five words together without too much effort.
- Ashton Jones - Not quite Beyonce's long lost sister, but possibly her long lost third cousin.
- Stefano Langone - I have absolutely no opinion of this guy, other than he's kind of a high talker.
- Brett Lowenstern - I wasn't really a fan of Colton Dixon, but when it came down to him, Jacee Badeaux and Brett, I was totally expecting Colton to move forward. He was definitely the best singer of the three. But Brett's got the crazy red afro and a certain je ne sais quoi, which I think means "gay kid who was bullied in high school appeal." Plus, I think he might be Robbie Neville's long lost third cousin. C'est la vie, Colton and Jacee.
- Jacob Lusk - I never knew until now what it was like to listen to a drag queen sing while not in drag. It's a bit unsettling. Jacob, for the love of all that is holy, put on a sequined dress and some heels.
- Scotty McCreery - Yep, McCreepy beat out the other country crooner, John Wayne Schulz. You know, the guy who had a better voice and was much better looking? This show is so anti-man candy it's not even funny.
- Paul McDonald - I guess this is AI's attempt at some man candy, but this guy just doesn't do it for me. And his voice is just weird.
- Thia Megia - I've mentioned before that I can't stand the way this girl sings. It's so fake. Peggi Blu saw right through that shit.
- Haley Rinehart - I'd take three Thia Megias over this broad any day. Talk about a fake voice. And she doesn't enunciate any of her words. Growling and guttural tones do not a song make.
- Karen Rodriguez - She's OK. But I'm leery of anyone who comes from MySpace.
- Robbie "Arjewleta" Rosen - We all thought Archuleta was The Chosen One, but it turned out to not be so. It could have been because he was Mormon. His Jewish counterpart might have a better shot at winning.
- Pia Toscano - Meh. She's aight.
- Lauren Turner - I only vaguely remember her singing a few times. She screams a lot, right?
- Tatynisa Wilson - See above.
- Rachel Zevita - LOVE. Girl is nuts, but she's got some pipes.
- Julie Zorrilla - Someone could have possibly created Julie in a lab for the very purpose of winning American Idol. And they gave her a never ending supply of cartoonishly puffy skirts. For these reasons, I'm only lukewarm on her.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
- James "The Durbinator" Durbin and Stefano Langone, "Get Back" - Of course Durbin shrieks. That's what he does. That's ALL he does.
- Pia Toscano and Karen Rodriguez, "Can't Buy Me Love" - They sound nice together, but kind of go against Iovine's "no wedding singers" advice.
- Naima Adedapo, Jacob Lusk and Haley Reinhart, "The Long and Winding Road" - Naima = awesome; Jacob = drag queen; Haley = tortured goat.
- Rachel Zevita and two randoms, "Elanor Rigby" - Love Rachel. Love Rachel's widow's veil.
- Lauren Turner and the Smoke Monster, "Let It Be" - I can't see anything, which is weirdly affecting my hearing.
- Tim Halperin and Julie Zorrilla, "Something" - A nice little duet on dueling keyboards, sure to inspire the first round of ridic fan fic.
- Tatynisa Wilson, Lakeisha Lewis and Jerome Bell, "I Saw Her Standing There" - I'm not digging their harmony but the judges, for the most part, lap it up.
- Kendra Chantelle and Paul McDonald, "Blackbird" - Meh. Sounds OK but comes off terribly cheesy. The judges love it.
- Thia Megia and Melinda Ademi, "Here Comes the Sun" - Blargh. Peggi Blu sits in the audience rolling her eyes and mouthing, "Oh Lord."
- Ashley Sullivan Suraiva and Sophia Shorai, "We Can Work It Out" - No they can't. (Ashley got hitched at Britney's Little White Wedding Chapel before the audition.)
- Lauren Alaina, Scotty McCreery and Denise Jackson, "Hello Goodbye" - What's with all the running around? It's like Hee Haw meets Benny Hill.
- Carson Higgins and Caleb Hawley, "Please Please Me" - Oh, Caleb, why did you hook up with Captain von Crazypants?
- Casey Abrams and Chris Medina, "Hard Day's Night" - I'm not sure what's worse: the vocals, the bed-jumping schtick or Medina's five-sizes-too-small-hat.
- Robbie Rosen, Jordan Dorsey and Aaron Sanders, "Got To Get You Into My Life" - Cool Earth Wind and Fire-ish version. Or as Seacrest calls it, "R&Beatles." Har har.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Hey fans and friends and odds and ends, I'm over at YourTango today with an article about the supposed Best Actress Oscar curse. That's the curse that ends relationships, not the one that ends with people being dragged to hell, or the one that causes sandbags to fall on people's heads, or the one that brings mummies to life to sink cruise ships. Get your curses straight. Anyway, you should check it out. And then help me figure out how to get Eddie Vedder's wife an Academy Award. Or Ewan McGregor's wife. Or both. Don't worry about how I get him/them to come to me after the curse strikes. Plans A-Y are completed and I'm confident that Plan Z will be done in time.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
In the final night of Hollywood week, the cast of way-too-many gets cut down to 50. Each of the remaining contestants performs, with the option to have the backing band and/or their own instruments or perform a capella. Because I'm super tired, I'm not going to bother listing the auditions in order. Time to knock this out Good/Bad/Ugly style!
Jacqueline Dunford - Surprised? Well, she's only in this category because she's not singing. In fact, I'll never have to hear her sing again! She claims to be sick (read: Nick kept calling and threatening to kill himself if she didn't come home to him) and drops out of the competition.
Jacob Lusk - This is kind of an ironic choice for "The Good," as I enjoy Jacob's performance in the same way I might enjoy a drag revue. Seriously, AI, get this guy into hair and makeup, stat.
Julie Zorrilla - Yeah, yeah. Pretty girl, good singer, plays keyboards, works the refugee angle, wears stupid dresses. I can't decide if I like her or not. But finding out that she went to the prom with Casey Abrams is a point in her favor. Maybe she's not just a pretty plastic princess.
Clint Jun Gamboa - Again, not sure how I feel about this one. Clint can definitely sing, but I can't shake the feeling that he's going to go into full-on bitchy queen mode very soon.
Robbie (Arjewleta) Rosen - I forget what he's singing because I'm too busy wondering which is bigger: his nose or mouth. But he's a nice, inoffensive scoop of vanilla.
Chelsee Oaks - She does a pretty weak version of "Because of You." I'm just kind of over this girl. Her ex-lovah got booted and her new BFF Jacqueline is gone, so all she wants to do is cry.
Lauren Alaina - Oh yay, we get to hear that stupid asteroid love song and watch this girl suck up to Steven Tyler—again. And then J.Lo (not Randy!) reminds us that Lauren's ZOMG ONLY 15—again. I think this girl has a good voice, but I'm not sure she deserves the massive pimping she's getting. And if I have to see that audition clip of her singing this same song with Steven one more time, I'm going to lose it.
John Wayne Schulz - He does a nice version of "Landslide" (with forced harmony by J.Lo) but it's a little monotonous. And I wish he would take off the damn cowboy hat.
Stefano Langone, Jovany Barretto and Jacee Badeaux all sort of whiz by unremarkably. I still think Jacee is a sweetie, but I don't know if he's really cut out for this.
Thia Megia - Her rendition of "What a Wonderful World" is actually the best I've heard her sing, but I still hate her affected voice.
Chris Medina - Like Carson, Chris is performing "My Prerogative." But Chris decides it would be a good idea to go the Andrew Garcia route by trying to transform it into a jaunty little acoustic coffeehouse number. Note to all future contestants: provided you even remember who the hell Andrew Garcia is, don't ever model yourself after him.
Colton Dixon - I just DO NOT like this guy. He sings Daughtry and looks like the douchey lead singer of a Flock of Seagulls tribute band. Bah.
Ashley Sullivan - She forgets her lyrics! She cries! She turns into Babbling Brooke! No surprises here.
Scotty McCreery and Tatynisa Wilson both fail to nail the lyrics of "I Hope You Dance," one of the easier songs in the world to learn. Come on, people, it's not "Scenes From an Italian Restaurant." However, McCreepy almost makes me want to put him in the "Good" pile when he starts singing about "nuts of wonder." I've gotta figure out how to make that my new catch-phrase.
Haley Reinhart - Wow, people like this mess? What song is she even singing? I can't understand a word in between all the growling and whatever the hell else her mouth is doing.
Adrian Michael and Caleb Johnson have no idea what they're doing, so they blame the band for their suckage. Frances Coontz can't find her key, but blames no one.
I'd like to thank the editors for not showing James Durbin's performance, which I'm sure would have landed squarely in the "Ugly" pile.
Finally, everyone is split up among four rooms to await their fates. When I spot Caleb in Room 1 with Ashley, I worry. But then I see Durbin, Medina, Lauren, Jacee, Brett, Clint and Casey there and quickly breathe a sigh of relief. And, sure enough, they're all safe!
The folks in Rooms 2 and 3 (Chelsee and a bunch of people I barely remember) get cut, while the peeps in Room 4 (Carson, Julie, Jovany and McCreepy) advance. Also in Room 4 but not seen much in Hollywood is Rachel Zevita, one of my favorite girls (especially now that Emily Anne and Adrienne are gone).
Next week, the remaining 50 head to Las Vegas for a Beatles songbook showdown. I'm not sure how McCreepy and Ashley made it through tonight, but I look forward to the former trying to make it through a Beatles song next week and the latter trying to get through five seconds without some sort of emotional outburst.
Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Well, gang, I've heard Lady Gaga's new song, "Born This Way" and it's fabulous. Yes, if you pay too much attention to the lyrics, you might start to feel like you've hit upon an Afterschool Musical Special, but considering some of the rather negative songs that dominate the pop charts, I guess I shouldn't judge the Lady for that. And it's one catchy son of a bitch. It might actually inspire me to head back to the gym because I was not born with these love handles, my little monsters.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Another group of three who've already gotten mad face time make it through: Rachel Zevita, Thia Megia and Casey Abrams. I still can't stand this Thia chick. Good Lord, she's terrible.
Ah, Victoria Huggins. Remember her from the Jersey auditions? Everyone thought she was so cute and perky but my response was, "This girl needs to crash and burn immediately." Well, sometimes you do indeed get what you need. After she brought like 50 suitcases with her to Hollywood, she totally tanked her audition and was quickly eliminated. Am I a bad person for reveling in her disappointment so much? Probably. Do I care? Not at all. Anyway, Victoria knows that she's North Carolina's idol. So there you go, North Carolinians. You get to keep her. And you still have Anoop Desai! How lucky can one state get?
Up next is last night's big winner on the Wheel of Misfortune, James Durbin. He does "Oh! Darling," a song that I now hate because it's been destroyed about 75 times in the past two weeks. While he's shrieking, I just keep thinking about his poor kid at home running around with poop falling out of his bum because James can't afford diapers. But he can afford fingerless gloves and ridiculous scarves. Couldn't he wrap the kid in one of the scarves? That's probably better for the environment than disposable diapers anyway.
James' group includes another VSC, Paris Tassin, who sings "My Heart Weew Go On." Also, we hear Lauren Alaina, the already-proclaimed 15-year-old winner of the show, singing Lord Cowell's favorite, "Unchained Melody." (Didn't someone give her the memo that Simon isn't judging anymore?) And then there's Stormi Henley, doing a shitastic version of Sugarland's "Stay." Stormi is told to leave (oh, I love when musical irony strikes) while the other three get to hang around.
Chris Medina talks about his disabled fiancee. Go figure. Then he sings rather Gokeyishly, makes it through and cries as "Fix You" plays, which is the producers' way of suggesting that winning this karaoke competition will somehow fix said disabled fiancee. BLARGH. I still tend to think that Chris is probably a stand up guy, but maybe he shouldn't talk. Because when he talks, he says things like this: "For me to come here and have Juliana's...situation...I use it as an inspiration. An experience to get through this impossible task in front of me now." And I thought Syesha Mercado was an asshole for comparing her journey on AI to the civil rights movement. Eesh.
Hollie Cavanaugh (who sings well when she isn't weeping), Jacee Badeaux (who VFTW has dubbed "Justin Blubber") and Robbie Rosen (who I've dubbed Jewish Archuleta until I'm confident that Arjewleta isn't too offensive) each get a yes. But poor Steve Beghun, the accountant who bears a resemblance to Ben Roethlisberger, gets shit-canned. Jesus, even Big Ben's lookalikes can't win.
Day 1 ends with more cuts, as Jacquelyn Dupree (I called it!), Sarah Sellers (she of the big lips) and Heidi Ka-ZAAM all get sent home. Some random cut kid sobs that he has "nothing." Well, why didn't he play that up from the beginning?? Step up to the wheel, son, and see if you can spin yourself a sob story!
Day 2's opening Ford Focus montage is followed by a montage of people horribly blowing their auditions. Well, at least they won't ever have to make any Very Brady Ford Focus ads.
The ex-lovahs, Rob Bolin and Chelsee Oaks are in a group together. And because the producers like to mess with people, they have Rob rooming with Nick Fink and Chelsee rooming with Jacqueline Dunford. That's right, the exes are living with the self-proclaimed Idol super couple. Rob and Chelsee both survive the first round of cuts. It's apparent that one half of Nicqueline is going to get cut, but Seacrest still yammers on about dramatic goings on up in here. I could do without Jacqueline because she's dreadfully loud, but she's still the better half in this relationship, because Nick is bloody awful. It's no surprise when he's cut, but his reaction to it is quite unexpected. Well, not so much "unexpected" as "painfully embarrassing." As if his whining and begging to sing again for the judges so that he can continue on with his "baby" isn't bad enough, as he is walking out of the auditorium, he stops, turns around and starts singing like a little kid who just got sent to his room and is trying to make a statement. The judges look half baffled, half amused, while Jacqueline looks exactly like someone who just decided to break up with her boyfriend.
Scotty McReery sings the same damn song he did at his first audition, as do Jackie Wilson and Jerome Bell. Proving that originality is overrated, they all make it through. I like Jackie though, so I'm glad she's sticking around.
Tiffany (Snooki Star Tits) Rios tries to have a diva moment by blathering some egomaniacal nonsense, but instead of responding as she probably wants them to, the audience just sort of stares at her blankly. Then she brutally rapes one of my favorite Etta James songs, "All I Could Do Was Cry," while trying not to split her sausage casing dress in half. And somehow...SHE MAKES IT THROUGH. Apparently, they need to keep her brand of crazy for a little bit longer. Bad ratings, you know.
Travis Orlando (the guy who lived in a shelter) is obviously nervous. He totally blows it. And amazingly, the judges don't give him a special VSC pass.
A bunch of other people make it to next week, including Clint Jun Gamboa, Julie Zorilla, Naima Adedapo, Aaron and Mark Gutierrez, Molly DeWolf Swensen (Lewinsky), Emily Anne Reed (yay!), Stefano Langone and Ashley (meth's best friend) Sullivan.
Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
Oh, as for James's voice, which Seacrest has been promising for the last hour would make rainbows shoot out of our asses, it's not living up to the hype. He's basically trying really hard to be a straight version of Adam Lambert and it's just not interesting. But I can guarantee that he's already got the devotion of bored, fortysomething housewives.