Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Happy Halloween and The Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

Happy Halloween!

I hope all 2 of you who read my ANTM recaps will forgive me for going out tonight and missing the show.

Because it was the first song that came to mind (that I didn't feature last Halloween), and I don't feel like sitting here for an hour trying to think of something better...this week's video will be "All You Zombies" by The Hooters.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Cue The Crazy, Latin Chant Music

Britney's new album, Blackout will be unleashed upon the world tomorrow. It's all for you, Damien!

I keep hearing whispers that this album is so dope, yo, that it might very well help Brit rise from her self-dug grave. You probably all know that most music reviewers are smarmy imbeciles who love nothing more than being different for difference's sake, so we shouldn't be at all surprised if this record manages to get rave reviews. I, however, am not afraid to pan it without ever laying ears on it.

First off, let's take a gander at this album cover. Now, I've heard that this might not be the final artwork, but since the record is hitting stores tomorrow, I'm gonna guess that this is it. Someone making a seven-figure salary looked at this, shrugged and said, "yeah that's fine...print it." It looks like an invitation to someone's Sweet Sixteen party. I could've made something more interesting on my computer and I don't even have Photoshop.

By now, everyone has heard the lead single, "Gimme More," but I'm sure you're dying to know Brit's full list of demands. Behold, the track listing:

1. Gimme More
2. Piece Of Me
3. Radar
4. Break The Ice
5. Heaven On Earth
6. Get Naked (I Got A Plan)
7. Freakshow
8. Toy Soldier
9. Hot As Ice
10. Ooh Ooh Baby
11. Perfect Lover
12. Why Should I Be Sad

I the title of song #12 a rhetorical question, or will there be some type of essay contest?

Like books and their covers, I don't think you can always judge a song by its title. But this is Britney Spears we're talking about. Something tells me that "Get Naked (I Got A Plan)" isn't about the importance of regular skin cancer screenings. But, to be fair, I'll delve deeper into the lyrical content before passing judgment. So, break open a bag of Cheetos and a can of Red Bull while I attempt to analyze and interpret these lyrical master works, starting with the aforementioned ode to nudity (yay for early leaks to the Internet).

Get Naked (I Got A Plan)
Yeah, this sounds nice
Yeah, yeah

(Hmmm....I sounds nice!)

I got a plan we can do it just what you wanted, baby, baby
As long as you wanna come with me, we can do it, baby, baby
I got a plan we can do it just what you wanted, baby, baby
As long as you wanna come with me, we can do it baby, baby

(This is sweet. Obviously she's singing about letting Sean Preston drive her to the club. This is proof of her motherin' skills. She should really play this in court for that mean old judge who took her kids away from her.)

My body is calling out for you bad boy
I get the feeling that I just wanna be with ya
Baby I'm a freak and I don't really give a damn
I'm crazy as a motherf**ker
Bet that on ya man

(OMG, y'all! Britney totally said the F word! She soooo rawks!)

If you like what you see
And your curiosity
Let your mind roam free
Won't you pay attention please

(How do you let your mind roam AND pay attention at the same time? It's kind of like that whole "what's the sound of one hand clapping" riddle. I think these lines will be borrowed by many a Philosophy professor in years to come.)

What I gotta do to get you want my body?
Quarter past three and ready to leave the party

(This guy better shape up. He wants to leave the club at 3:15 when they're open until 4?? Hello!? What does he think, now that Britney's a mom that she might want to go home a little early? Fool, please! Babies don't matter! She's still the same old Britney. Same old bad grammar, too!)

What you tryin' do, do, do?
What you tryin' do, do, do?

Get naked, get naked, get naked, get naked
Get naked, get naked, get naked, get naked
Take it off, take it off
Take it off, take it off
Get naked, get naked, get naked, get naked

(It's really hard to rhyme things with "naked." I would've tried "make bread," "Lake Schmed" or "take meds." But rhyming "naked" with itself? GENIUS! This whole passage just really speaks to me as a woman. It empowers me to be assertive and demand what I want. Mark my words...the next time I'm grinding against some random dude at a bar, I will not be afraid to order him to take his clothes off. Move over, Gloria Steinem, 'cause it's Britney, bitch.)

I'm not ashamed of my beauty you can see what I got
Shouldn't I freak you out
Imagine if I work it out
If I get on top
You're gonna lose your mind
The way I put it down, boy
You know should be up

(Right on! Just imagine if Brit worked out those flabby buttocks. The next time she forgets to wear underwear and flashes the pap, we will literally lose our minds. She hasn't even begun to tap into the power of that firecrotch. She is talking about exercise here, right? Just like Olivia Newton-John was in "Physical?")

I understand that you don't got no man
And I just want to take your hand
And I need you to understand that, that, that I
I got everything perfectly planned in mind
Get it all inside, work that body

(Did someone mess these lyrics up or is this suddenly a lesbian song? Or is this just the part where she makes nice with other girls in the club by pimping them out and getting them high?)

Get naked, get naked, yadda yadda, grunt grunt, moan, moan...


Whew. Only one song and I'm thoroughly exhausted. I can't keep this up, so I'll just go for some of the naughty bits now.


Piece of Me
(First two verses)
I’m Miss American Dream since I was 17
Don’t matter if I step on the scene
Or sneak away to the Philippines
There still gon' be pictures of my derrière in the magazine
You want a piece of me?
You want a piece of me...

(Oh, so it's not a remake of the Skid Row song. That's good. Damn, rhyming "scene" with "Philippines?" I guess if she can't beat K-Fed in court, she's gonna whip him in the mad rhymin' skillz contest. Oh, and I'm so glad she promises that there will be more pics of her ass in the tabloids. Because, yes, I think we all do want a piece of her. Could I just get a small piece, without any crabs on it? That would be great.)

I’m Miss Bad Media Karma
Another day another drama
Guess I can’t see no harm
In working and being a mama
And with a kid on my arm
I’m still an exception
And you want a piece of me

(There is no harm in working and being a mama. As long as you remember to feed your kids, don't force them to go to bed at 6:00 and stop dropping them on their heads.)


(3rd verse)
Make them clap when we perform
Wanna be crazy we can show 'em
Dancin' table top freak, freaky
So outside the norm
I'm some superstar ish, ish
Christian hot, Bugatti whips
Hope the new designer fits
We can do it if you wish

(Ish ish? Will that be the new annoying phrase, like "true dat?" Or is she just saying that she's superstar-ish? I love that Britney feels comfortable enough to berate everyone for wanting a "piece of her" in the previous song, and then follow it up with this first-person account of her constant cries for attention. And I admire that she's open enough to consent to sexual relations with her tabletop dance partner, if he so desires. She's not pushy. She just lets him know that if, for some reason, he decides that he wants to do it, she'll be ready.)


Ooh Ooh Baby
(Chorus? Bridge? Filler? Along with the 3rd verse.)
You’re fillin’ me up
You’re fillin’ me up
You’re fillin’ me up
You’re fillin’ me up
You’re fillin’ me up
You’re fillin’ me up with your love

(This is, uh, deep. Huh huh huhuhuhuhuhuh.)

The more you move
The more I tense
It’s like you got me hypnotised
I’m in a trance
Your jersey fits
It’s right at home, between my hands
And now I hope you know
That I’m your biggest fan
Yeah, yeah
(What is this? A song about banging basketball players? Ok, now she's just ripping off Madonna.)


Hot as Ice
(About the 1st half)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

(I'm nodding. Britney's mind control must be working!)

I'm just a girl with the ability to drive a man crazy (crazy)
Make him call me "mama" (Mama), make him my new baby (baby)
A new way to prove they're saying "Thank you very much"
Living legend, you can look, but don't touch

(I've got nothin'.)

'Cause I'm cold as fire baby, hot as ice
If you've ever been to heaven, this is twice as nice
I'm cold as fire baby, hot as ice
If you've ever been to heaven, this is twice as nice

(Ok, now she's just ripping off Lita Ford.)

Break it down, break it down, break it down
Break it down, break it down, break it down

(I'm breaking it down. It's too late for me. Save yourselves!)

To see your foolishness and f**kery
And handling my business (business)
Holler if you hear me
Hey, can I get a witness
Preach it, preach it
I'm the teacher, you can learn
Watch your fingers, boy
You might get burned

(Like, omg, y'all! She dropped the F-bomb again! The needless and copious use of profanity has proven that she is no longer a girl and fully a woman! She might also be ripping off Salt-N-Pepa. Or Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act.)


I've been reading these lyrics for the past hour, and I've come to the conclusion that I kind of hate words now. That I managed to make this such a long post is really quite a feat.

If you decide to pick up a copy of Blackout (and if you order on Amazon NOW, you can have it by Halloween night!) please listen responsibly. Whatever you do, don't play it backwards. And most importantly, do not try it with a full stomach of candy corn.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Stop Dragging Your Ass Around

The first time I saw this commercial for Stanley Steemer, I went on about a 15-minute laughing jag. I've seen it about a million times since then and it never fails to crack me up. It has nothing to do with the dog's "trick," it's the mother's over-the-top freak-out. Judging by her reaction, I'd expect to see Toby foaming at the mouth and standing on the little boy's chest, preparing to rip out his larynx.

Calm yourself, woman! If your ass was itchy, you'd scratch it by any means necessary too...clean carpet or not.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Like a Birthday or a Pretty View...

...but then I'm sure that you know this post's for you.


His name is Simon and he's 49 today
Just like John Taylor, he just gets better with age
I hope he's having cherry ice cream and a cake
Oh Simon, Simon have a really great birthday


Remember when I said I could make up my own lyrics to songs? Yeah...well, I never said they were any good.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week / Never Forget the Green Monkey

As most of you know, I've been a frequent particpant in Splotchy's Green Monkey Music Project, and even recently became a "Green Monkey Master." The thrill of creating my own mix was suddenly marred by Splotchy's announcement that he is discontinuing the GMMP, for undisclosed reasons. (I'm betting that it has something to do with Lars Ulrich, that bastard.)

However, the thrill has returned! I provided Splotchy with the mp3s for my song selections, and the other participants in Volume 10 followed suit. The blanks were filled in by the fabulous Beth, and now we have a full mix! I feel kind of bad for the other Monkey Masters who won't have a chance to cash in on their Master privileges, but the selfish part of me thinks it's kind of cool that I got to close out the project!

The last and tenth installment of the GMMP is "Battle of the Sexes," a 50-song compilation devoted to songs about boys and girls. Tracks can be downloaded here. As is the custom, I'll give you a little bit of info on my song selections.

"Darlene," Led Zeppelin - While I'm a huge Zeppelin fan, this song wouldn't make it into my Top 20, but that's primarily because they have too many great songs. Coda probably isn't any Zeppelin fan's favorite album but it has its moments, specifically this tune and the superior, rollicking "Ozone Baby." Funny thing about "Darlene" - I thought for the longest time that Robert Plant was singing "Double D." Now, whether I was imagining this to be an ode to Duran Duran or a woman with big breasts, it always made me smile and I still sing it incorrectly more often than not just for fun. Zep always did songs with major tempo/mood changes really well, and this is no exception. It starts out as a groovy, blues-rock number and morphs into a bit of blue suede rockabilly. Sometimes I feel like the song goes on a tad too long, but then I think about "In My Time of Dying" and decide that the play time is just about right.

"Vicky Verky," Squeeze - I know I said before that I was going to try to avoid putting Squeeze and Pearl Jam in all of my mixes, but I'm glad that I didn't stick to such a stupid rule now that I know this is the final mix! (You know that I would've picked PJ's "Jeremy" had I taken the boys' side in this. I'm still annoyed that no one picked it.) Anyway, this is one of my favorite song titles because it's such fun to say. As most Squeeze tunes are, it's a really wonderful pop tune but the big difference here is that there is no chorus. There are a bunch of verses and something resembling a bridge, but no chorus. Yet, it never becomes monotonous. It's also another Squeeze tune that I assumed was a cute little love song upon first listen, but it's actually about lost love, teen pregnancy, and abortion. (I know I've said this before, but Glenn Tilbrook can make any subject sound trés sweet.) But hey, it ends on an up note with love renewed! Oh, and here's another "'scuse me while I kiss this guy" moment for you all...I originally heard the line "Although she's only fourteen, she really knows her courting" as "Although she's only farting, she really knows her courting." Of course, I knew right away that couldn't be the lyric but, like "Double D," I often still sing it the wrong way for shits and giggles.

"Blue Jean," David Bowie - I think this is one of Bowie's most underrated songs. I love it. I vividly remember all the hubbub surrounding the world premiere of this video on MTV, and then they played it constantly. (The short version, not the weird mini-movie, thankfully.) I never really got tired of it though. I think this was around the time that I started to find David Bowie attractive, even though I thought he was better looking with all the weird blue genie makeup on. The other thing I remember about this video that really annoyed me was the lead girl who kept rubbing her nose. Did she have a cold? Was it a nervous twitch? Was she a coke fiend? I didn't know, but it drove me nuts. And when she wasn't rubbing her nose, she was tugging on her ear. Who was she, Carol Burnett? See more on this later.

"Hey Julie," Fountains of Wayne - FOW were a little more animated when talking about some other chicks, like "Stacy's Mom" or "Denise," but as fun as those songs are, I prefer this sweet little tune. It's just really simple and catchy and makes me want to sit around a campfire singing and roasting marshmallows.

"Always Claire," Knockout Drops - Ok, so no one probably knows who these guys are unless you're a New Yorker with awesome musical taste or you just read my blog a lot and actually remember everything I say. Knockout Drops are a local band here in NYC who I became a fan of a few years ago and gradually got to know them and ended up managing their MySpace page. I've since given up that job to Chris, the lead singer. He was once quite the tech-not, so I'm very proud of his newfound, mad PC skillz. Anyway, this was never my favorite song of theirs, but it's certainly catchy enough and boasts some interesting lyrics. Any song that rhymes "wacky broad" with "powder dilaudid" is a winner in my book.

Go forth and download.

Now, on to the Forgotten Classic Video of the Week. Nice of me to wait until the end of the week, eh? Well, David Bowie is always worth waiting for. I will let you all decide what the hell is up with that girl in the "Blue Jean" video. Upon watching the video again, I'm noticing that she really only rubs her nose twice. It still annoys me though.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

ANTM 9, Week 6

This week on America's Next Top Model, the girls learn to spell!

No, that would be more up America's Most Smartest Model's alley. (Another mess I've been sucked in to watching. Oy.) But the women do act like schoolgirls when super male model, Tyson Beckford, stops in for a visit. The shrieking would normally annoy me, but I'm too distracted by Tyson's tattoo-sleeves to pay attention to what's going on.

Everyone is seeming to get along at this stage of the competition, so I guess their menstrual cycles have finally fallen into sync. Prickly Bianca admits that she is getting close to some of the girls, but she's still not losing sight of the fact that this is a competition.

For this week's challenge, the girls split up into teams of three to work on their "spokesmodel" skills by creating and presenting original PSAs for Keep A Child Alive, an organization that donates medicine to African families suffering from AIDS. If this is all mostly practice for their future days of making announcements at car shows and introducing the players on Celebrity Poker matches, is it still a good deed?

Driving home the fact that everyone involved with this show is a good person, the photo shoot has the models in high fashion garb surrounded by real garb...the recyclable kind. Saleisha revvs things up with car parts, Heather shines in aluminum, Sarah nicely fills out some trash bags, Jenah is right at home in cardboard boxes, Bianca looks slick in oil, and more puns that I'm too tired to think up. Ambreal (newspaper) and Ebony (bubble wrap) struggle through their shoots - Ambreal because she's overthinking everything (yes, apparently you can overthink posing) and Ebony because she just wants the hell out of there.

At judging, it comes down to the girls who have the weakest photos - Ambreal and Ebony. When Tyra drops the bomb that Ambreal is out, Ebony lobs the bomb back by telling Tyra that she no longer wants to be in the competition. From the way her eyelashes are fluttering a mile a minute, it's obvious that Ms. Banks would like nothing more than to rip that weave right out of Ebony's head. However, since this is TV, she keeps her composure and offers up the verbal bitch-slap that there is nothing more unappealing to her than a "quitter." Ebony just makes that stupid snarly face again, says thanks and sheepishly exits. Ambreal weeps like a killer spared from the electric chair and lives to model another day.

Next week, Tyra will teach the gals some hoochie dance moves. Then I'm sure she'll accuse someone of looking too hoochie in their photo shoot. That's ANTM the way I like it, served up nice and lukewarm with plenty of contradictions!

I hope all of you model-haters appreciate that, starting now, I'm trying to shorten these recaps.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Why Can't All DUI Offenders Be as Sexy as Ty Pennington?

It's official. DUIs are the new pink, assuming pink is still the new black.

30 Rock's Tracy Morgan, who is already on probation for a DUI, is now in trouble for not wearing his alcohol-monitoring bracelet for 90 days. His lawyer explained that Morgan couldn't wear the bracelet due to an "undisclosed medical condition." Yeah, it's called alcoholism.

Just last night, Gary Collins got caught playing smash 'em up while smashed, and my immediate reaction was, That's Incredible! See, I was under the impression that Collins was on that old '80s show, but then I realized that was Fran Tarkenton. (No, they look nothing alike.) So then I started wondering who in the hell Gary Collins actually was. I keep hearing him referred to as a "TV legend" and, although I do recognize his face, I couldn't tell you how I know it. Therefore, since I can't stand losing an opportunity to make a bad pun, I've consulted the almighty IMDB to help me come up with a punny recap of this non-story. Here goes nothing.

TV legend, Gary Collins, was arrested last night in LA (where else) for drunk driving. With the help of a blood alcohol level that was over twice the legal limit, Collins rammed his black SUV (what else) into some poor little old man's car and then swerved into oncoming traffic, plowing into two parked cars.

Collins told police he was just out on a fantastic journey and didn't mean to hurt anyone. Oh, gimme a break! What is this, Fantasy Island? He thinks because he's one of Doris Day's best friends, that he can do whatever he wants, including driving his SUV like it's the wackiest ship in the army. Well, let's just hope that this police story doesn't end with another hollywood square just getting a slap on the wrist.


That was much more work than it was worth.

The world of pop culture has suddenly become very boring. What do we have going on right now? Marie Osmond passing out instead of paso doble-ing? Ellen crying over a dog? Kid Rock getting into a fight at the Waffle House (like that doesn't happen every weekend)?

I miss Britney. I miss Lindsay. Paris...not so much. But those other two? Yeah, I miss 'em. I'm hoping that this lull is just the calm before the next crazy storm.

Monday, October 22, 2007

One Thing I Have in Common with Dubya

I've created a war and put myself in charge! *

Since I've participated in Splotchy's Green Monkey Music Project three times now, I've been dubbed a Green Monkey Master. One of the perks of that title is that I get to create the theme and rules for a mix, then get to sit back and relax while Splotchy does all the hard work of compiling the songs. I'm happy to announce that Volume 10 of the GMMP is underway and it's a Battle of the Sexes. Pick your side and join the fray!

In keeping with this theme, enjoy this video for Arckid's "I'll Stick Around." Mainly because it's my favorite song right this minute, but also because it features a girl slapping the hell out of the band members for no good reason. Kind of a one-sided battle of the sexes, but a battle nonetheless.

Trivia: You may recognize the lead singer (or at least his voice) as Royston Langdon of the now-defunct Spacehog and/or as Liv Tyler's husband. You may, but you would be wrong, like I was! Turns out, Royston shares vocal duties with his younger brother, Christian, who is singing here. Royston is actually Mr. Crazy Hair over there on bass. Confusing. Well, whoever sings it, it's a great song. The video was directed by Liv's ex, Joaquin Phoenix, and stars his sister, Summer, as the crazy bitch-slapper.

*Stop shaking your head, Dad. That's funny!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Seven and the Nagging Taggers

I've had a nice, long vacation from meme-land, but it looks like it's back to the grind. I was recently tagged simulataneously by Bubs and Write Procrastinator with a meme which forces me to tell you all seven random facts about myself that you don't already know. I will try to stick to the pop cultural format as best I can. Since my life revolves around trivial stuff, it shouldn't be a problem. Also, since I've seen this meme floating around with the theme of "seven lame facts," I will make half of the list lame tidbits and the other half awesome ones. (The awesome ones will actually only be awesome to me. They will still be lame to everyone else.) Stick around, kids, and watch me cut seven in half!

7 1/2 Peeks (into the PopEye)

1. I'm really good at making up my own lyrics to songs on the spot. I do this frequently.

2. I've probably seen Grease more than anyone on this Earth. Obviously, I have no way of knowing how many times I've actually seen it, but if I had to bet everything I own on the fact that I've seen it the most times ever, I'd feel pretty confident placing that bet. If you don't believe me, I'd be happy to act the whole thing out for you. Why don't any little theaters have people do that, like they do with The Rocky Horror Picture Show? If any do, I need to know about it.

3. I usually come up with fairly original Halloween costume ideas. My friend Angela thought my best one was the year I just wore a blue dress with devil horns and a devil tail, so I was the "Devil with the Blue Dress On." We went to a party that was thrown by a local rock station, and no one could figure it out. People kept thinking I was a Duke Blue Devil or they just assumed I wore a blue dress for no good reason. One person actually asked, "If you're a devil, why do you have a blue dress on?" Yeah, there are some slow people in the world.

3 1/2. I can draw just about anything really well, without tracing.

4. I can draw just about anything really well, without tracing, but it might take me an hour to draw one thing. And I can't just draw from memory. I have to be looking at what I'm trying to draw as a reference. Oh, and when I say "just about anything" I really only mean cartoon characters and animals.

5. When I was little, I used to tape record myself doing all kinds of dumb stuff. One thing that I vividly remember was a bit that I aptly titled, "Different Languages in Songs." I would tune into the big band/instrumental station on the radio and just tape myself singing jibberish along to the tune.

6. I've seen From Justin to Kelly twice. Neither time was accidental. It's not that I liked it, there was just nothing else on TV and I was too lazy to go do something else. In my defense though, parts of it were really hilarious. No matter that it wasn't intended to be a comedy.

7. I took piano lessons for about 7 years and now I'm lucky if I can play "Chopsticks." Yes, I kick myself in the ass every day.

The rules say I'm supposed to tag some more people, but I'm not gonna. Tagging people is lame and I'm much too awesome for that.

Friday, October 19, 2007

ANTM 9, Week 5

Does anyone even care about these recaps? I know it's not American Idol y'all, but this week's episode did actually feature some singing!

Even if you don't reguarly watch the show, you may have caught on to a distinct pattern by reading my blog. The girls who are prominently featured during an episode, especially those who we get to know a little better at the top of the show, will always be in the Bottom 2.

This week we learn that Ambreal is one of those annoying types who sings for everyone, even if they don't want to hear it. It's not that she can't sing. Her voice is pleasant enough. I just can't hack those types of people. You know, the ones who think they're the next Whitney Houston, so insist on force-feeding you their rendition of "I Will Always Love You" at the breakfast table. Hey, I enjoy music, but that doesn't mean that I want to be the judge at someone's imaginary audition.

We also find out a bit more about Janet, who has turned into the "house Mom." She's always nagging the girls to clean up, do their dishes, etc. You know, things that pretty girls shouldn't have to do. Janet also tells us that if she were to be eliminated this week, she would be absolutely heartbroken. That's if she got voted off. If. This is all purely hypothetical, of course!

That weird, voguey guy, Benny Ninja, shows up so that means there's gonna be some fierce posin' going on! He tries to get all of the girls to strike some poses while bouncing on a trampoline, and not a one actually cracks her head open. Well, Heather comes pretty damn close. Graceful she ain't. Ambreal does really well and immediately starts talking about how she couldn't possibly get voted off this week since she rocks so hard.

Back at model-base, some of the modelettes finally get around to the annual "streak through the house and jump in the pool" party. Man, these girls this year are late bloomers. This usually happens some time between weeks 1 and 2.

Ninja boy summons the gals to a skating rink for their posing challenge. With the help of pro-skater and famed adulterer, Lloyd Eisler, they are to "emote" while holding a pose while gliding around the ice. Danielle, the winner from Cycle 6, also shows up to lend a hand, which basically means she just stands around looking bored. Heather gets an "A" for awkwardness again, and Ebony's facial expressions can only be described as Buster Keaton-meets-crack whore. Lisa does a great job and ends up winning the challenge, which pisses Ambreal (I should've won!) and Bianca (I hate everyone!) off.

As winner of this week's challenge, Lisa gets to do an advertorial in Seventeen with Danielle and two of her model friends. She chooses Ebony and Janet. The pictures look great, but while they're all off being models, the other girls are back home being catty bitches. When Lisa and friends arrive back at the house, everyone goes into fake mode, pretending to be happy for them. Well, everyone except Bianca who decides to tell Lisa that it looks like her makeup is making her break out. Oh, Bianca. You are just the zit on the face of this season.

Next up is the photo shoot, which is at the top of a giant hotel. Cue "afraid of heights" freak-out from one of the girls. Who will it be this year? Ambreal! Actually, she powers through her fear much better than any of the girls in previous years, so it ends up being not that much of an issue. The theme of the shoot is "High-Fashion Gargoyles," which was also a B-movie from 1967. I think.

While Ambreal's acrophobia doesn't completely derail her shoot, she still looks uncomfortable. Sarah, who is one of my favorites, performs the worst. Every time Jay says something like "Give me more edge" or "Show more emotion," she just sort of moves her hand about 1/2 inch. Heather makes up for her earlier klutzoid behavior by rocking her photo shoot, as she always does.

Time for judging! Nigel looks as luscious as ever.

Time for the real judging! Everyone's darling, Jenah, once again gets high marks for her photos but boos for her appearance in person. She does kind of look like a blonde Shelly Duvall who fell asleep on the floor of a Greyhound station after a week-long coke binge. But, I'll be damned if that girl doesn't take amazing pictures!

Chantal, Bianca and Ebony all get rave reviews, although everyone is a bit tired of Ebony's bland personality off-camera. Heather gets a thumbs-up, but is told that she's only done profile shots so far and the judges need to see if she can rock a picture with her whole face. Lisa gets two snaps up in a circle, and then Tyra baits her hook with that famous question..."Why are you looking so sad?" Lisa tries to resist, but can't fight weepily verbalizing what Tyra already knows - it seems like none of the girls in the house like her. All of the girls roll their eyes in unison. If it wasn't true before, it certainly is now! Lisa! Never answer Tyra's questions! They're traps!

Even though Sarah was so blah on the shoot, she narrowly escapes Bottom Two-dom. In the end it comes down to Ambreal and Janet. If you didn't already know this, you either didn't read the beginning of this post or you can't quite grasp the complexities of this show.

Personally, I thought Janet's picture was rather nice. It was certainly better than Ambreal's. But, the producers aren't happy unless they're breaking someone's heart, so Janet gets the boot. Bye-bye, Janet. I warned you about what happens to girls with pixie-cuts on this show. You never stood a chance.

Something is happening next week, but I've forgotten the previews already. I'll just guess that two girls will argue, someone will cry and Miss Jay's afro will finally touch the ceiling of the judging room.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

It Rocks Because It's There

While it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, remember that we all need to do our part to help rid the world of cancer in all of its ugly forms.

One organization hoping to rock cancer into submission is Love Hope Strength Foundation. The foundation was created by The Alarm frontman, Mike Peters, and President of CSI Entertainment, James Chippendale, both leukemia survivors. LHSF helps support cancer research on a global scale through concerts and climbs.

LHSF's latest event, Everest Rocks, is underway now. Full description from the LHSF website:

This October will be our most momentous climb and concert benefiting The Nepal Cancer Relief Society (NCRS). Cancer survivors and co founders of the Love Hope Strength Foundation (LHSF) Mike Peters and James Chippendale will lead 40 musicians, cancer survivors and mountaineers to Base Camp to perform an acoustic concert to help the Bhaktapur Cancer Hospital build the infrastructure of its clinic, NCRS, by providing them with much needed equipment and funding. In a country where the Avg. annual income is $300 a year our donation and support is going a long way to save lives NOW.

“Everest Rocks” is a fourteen day trek and acoustic concert at the base camp of Mt Everest, with a grand finale rock concert in Kathmandu. The entire journey will be captured by a documentary team headed by Alex Coletti (the acclaimed producer of MTV’s ‘Unplugged’ series). The taping will include the training, kickoff events, trek and base camp acoustic set.

Other musicians joining Peters to rock the mount are Nick Harper, Slim Jim Phantom of The Stray Cats, Cy Curnin and Jamie West-Oram of The Fixx and one Mr. Glenn Tilbrook, whom you may know as the frontman of Squeeze or the frequent target of my lustful obsessions.

I tell ya, some days I don't even feel like climbing the one flight of stairs to my apartment, but I'm about ready to start training for Vesuvius Rocks, or wherever the next event is. I'll get back into shape again if my reward is getting to spend some QT with GT! Oh, and I want to help make the world a better place, yadda yadda.

Since Glenn is so committed to the fight against cancer, I wonder if he would have time to feel my boobies when he comes down from that mountain?

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

To celebrate National Feel Your Boobies Week, this week's clips come from the lovely Olivia Newton-John. Not only was ONJ my childhood idol, but she is a breast cancer survivor!

I'm taking you back to Olivia's transitional and pre-physical. It was 1979, she was Totally Hot and looking for "A Little More Love."

There are two videos below, but they are both for the same song. The top one seems to be the "official" video and shows ONJ in the studio and on photo shoots for the Totally Hot album. I only remembered this vaguely. The second video is one that I recognized immediately. Even though it could pass for an official video, it's obviously a lip-synched performance from an unidentified TV program. I remember the outfit that she's wearing VIVIDLY. I was just in awe of how well Olivia rocked the matching headband that shone through the Markie Post hairdo.

ALML - Version 1

ALML - Version 2

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I'm in the Pink

I know what you're all thinking...I look too pure to be pink. Well, it's only temporary.

Jackson Browne sez...
"You've got to feel somebody's boobies, you must feel somebody's boobies."

That's right, you shaggy-haired bore! This is National Feel Your Boobies Week! If you ladies haven't felt your boobies yet, you have three days to get in on the fun. And if you're a man (who doesn't have moobies), feel free to help a gal pal out. Of course, you might want to ask permission first.

I've also decided to trade in my Technorati tags for Blogger labels.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Monkeys Are Rockin' All over the World

Yay, it's time for another installment of Splotchy's Green Monkey Music Project!

This time around, it's the Geography Pop Quiz mix, featuring songs that name geographical places in the titles. The theme was decided by Chris, who recently became a Green Monkey Master. I'm proud to say that, since this is my third time participating in the GMMP, I am now a Green Monkey Master, too! This means that I will get to choose the theme of an upcoming mix and the number of participant slots available, after which I will get my groovy Monkey Master badge. It's a lot like the normal monkey badge, but the monkey is wearing a crown! Yes, I'm way too excited about this.

In all seriousness though, this is a fantastic service that Splotchy is providing. Even when the "masters" run the mix, he still does all the hard work of compiling all of the songs for our downloading enjoyment. He even offers the options of downloading the songs in large chunks, or picking and choosing from all mp3s separately. This is such a great way to discover new music, and I have found several gems in the past few mixes. Do yourselves all a favor and head over to Splotchy's for a downloading binge. But first, while you're here, read a little about my contributions to the mix.

John Hiatt, "Memphis in the Meantime" - From 1987's wonderful Bring the Family, this is a groovy little tale of a country boy needing to escape to Memphis for a bit of R&B funkiness. I love this song. It really captures that feeling of needing to break out of a rut - whether it be the rut of everyday life where you are or a musical rut.

Bill Janovitz and Crown Victoria, "Florida" - Janovitz took a break from Buffalo Tom and his solo work to record Fireworks on TV! with new band, Crown Victoria, in 2004. It's a really solid pop-rock album, but "Florida" actually isn't one of my favorites from the record. It's an enjoyable enough song, but I just picked it for this mix because it was about a place and I figured that a lot of people hadn't heard it yet. If you like Buffalo Tom, you'll probably like it. I definitely recommend the album as a whole.

The Juliana Hatfield Three, "Feelin' Massachusetts" - A song from 1993's Become What You Are, on which poppy Juliana tried to keep up with all the Seattle bands who were eating up the charts. I bought it because I really loved the first single, "My Sister," and found that I liked about half of the other songs while remaining ambivalent about the rest. "Feelin' Massachusetts" was one that I liked right off the bat for its pretty melody. In my younger days, I also appreciated the "get me out of this shitty little town" sentiment. I've since found out that the grass is not necessarily greener in the big city. If you can find any grass at all.

Mason Jennings, "New York City" - My brother, J-Fred, put this on a mix CD for me not too long ago. I thought maybe Mason was the offspring of Waylon, but he's just some dude from Minneapolis. Still, he seems to bring some country and folk influences to mix with rock and pop. It's very much in the realm of Springsteen, which is not a bad place to be! But I'm really glad that the song is about New York City and not Jersey City.

Billy Joel, "Allentown" - This was about as close as I could get to Pittsburgh! I remember seeing Billy Joel live in the 'Burgh and the crowd went ape-shit when he sang this. It's like everyone just figured, "Hey it's in the same state! Wooooo!" I guess everyone in the Iron City can identify with the message behind it, which is basically: Where the hell are all the jobs? It really is an underrated song in other parts of the country.

Duran Duran, "Rio" - Okay, so it was really hard for me to not include either "Piccadilly" or "Maidstone" in this mix. Both are Squeeze songs. But I didn't want anyone to accuse me of being predictable. Luckily, I wasn't able to think of a single Pearl Jam song with a geographical title! With those two out, I looked to another of my "go-to" bands...the Fab Five! Rio may not technically be a place name, but since it's a nickname for Rio de Janiero, it still fits the bill. The name actually serves multiple purposes here - Rio is the song, the album, a city, a river and a woman! Oh, and it's a kick-ass classic.

The Bogmen, "Mexico" - Another of my favorite bands, and one that not many people are familiar go download the song! (Splotchy already gave it a thumbs-up, and he's the High Exalted Grand Green Monkey.) It's an unconventional love song with an insanely catchy beat and a fantastic ending trumpet solo. The guest trumpeter here is Mark Pender from Conan O'Brien's house band. The story goes that the band helped Pender get ready for recording by feeding him many beers. They also made sure to get him bottles instead of cans because a bottle seemed more like a trumpet mouthpiece, and they didn't want him to cut his lips on a can. Ah, the hard work that goes into a recording session.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

ANTM 9, Week 4

On last night's episode of America's Next Top Model, the remaining hopefuls learned that models are not born, but made. And given weaves. Unless they already have weaves, then those weaves must be ripped out to make room for other weaves.

Before all of the makeovers, the girls relaxed at the Top Model pad and chit-chatted. Yale nerd, Victoria, went on and on about how she never considered modeling, so it was never her dream like it is for most of the other girls. Then Saleisha explained how modeling was her dream and she wants it so bad that she's never going to be in the Bottom 2. If the foreshadowing would've gotten any heavier, we would've found ourselves in the middle of an Edgar Allen Poe story.

Moving on to the salon...

The makeover artists did a lot of bobbing and weaving, and hardly made anyone cry. They saved all the trauma for mean girl Bianca, whose purple hair was supposedly much too damaged to fix. Solution? They went Britney on her ass! Actually, the stylist didn't shave her completely bald, but just gave her a very close buzz-cut. Jay also gave her a custom-made, long, honey-brown wig to wear for photo shoots, but she ended up looking ten times better with no hair. Now someone just needs to shave some of the jagged edges from her attitude.

And now, the befores and afters...

Ambreal - Super-close cut.

Bianca- Honey-blonde waves with the wig; G.I. Jane without.

Chantal - Reese Witherspoon bangs and extensions.

Ebony - Out with the old weave and in with the new. Cher hair with a center part.

Heather - Not much change, which is good. A few highlights.

Janet - A Winona cut and super-dark color.

Jenah - Lots of extensions for long, blonde waves.

Lisa - Kind of a short, poodle-do. They were supposed to give her bangs, but I don't see 'em.

Saleisha - Heavy bangs and flapper-esque bob.

Sarah - Shaggy, piecy, short blondish mop.

Victoria - Highlights. Whoopie.

After all the excitement of the makeovers died down, the gals all sashayed over to their next challenge. There to greet them in some empty hall was the luscious Nigel and...his wife!? Who the hell asked her to come? Booooo!!!

For the challenge, the modelettes had to get into robes, do their makeup, select dresses from a bunch of racks and get out to the runway to show off their looks. Janet was very close to winning, but one of the rules was that all the girls had to wear identical dresses, and she picked the wrong one. Since she screwed up, the lovely Sarah took the prize - the opportunity to star in an upcoming promo.

The aspiring Cover Girls headed out to the woods for their photo shoot, where they were all made up as various flowers and plants. For some reason, Jay decided to make grouchy Bianca a sunflower and sweetie Heather a weed. Bianca couldn't quite pull off being a happy flower, but Heather dug right in to her role. Janet (hydrangia) and Sarah (ivy) did extremely well, while Jenah (moss) wowed everyone for the second week in a row and was the photographer's favorite. Saleisha (tulip) and Victoria (cactus) struggled and Chantal (baby's breath) actually morphed into a baby when she got confused by Jay and the photographer giving her conflicting advice. Instead of just taking a few (baby's) breaths and asking for more clarity, she stomped her foot and cried later to the cameraman that she can do this herself. They all just need to shuuuut uuuuuup! Oh, I'm sure the little whiner can do this by herself. That's why we've all seen her on the covers of so many magazines, right?

At the judge's table, Janet and Jenah got rave reviews and Chantal made it through despite her shoot meltdown. Nigel complained that Sarah, the "plus-size" model, was losing weight. Once again, we learned that you can either be a fat model or a super-skinny one. All the in-between girls need not apply.

In the end, the Bottom 2 were Saleisha and Victoria, which everyone who saw the first five minutes of the show already knew. The judges felt that Saleisha had more potential and that Victoria's "prickly" personality would keep her from succeeding. Victoria got the boot and immediately took off her heels and breathed a sigh of relief. Turns out, her heart just wasn't in it. Whatever will she do now? There aren't many other career options for a Yale grad. So sad.

Next week, yet another ANTM tradition - one girl freaks out during a photo shoot that tests her fear of heights.

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Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

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I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

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