Friday, October 31, 2008

And Now, A Special Halloween Message From Vincent Price

Have fun tonight, guys and ghouls...but don't lose your heads!

Holy Flurking Schnit!

Hey gang, my post on Starpulse today is dedicated to the Top 10 segments from The Simpsons' Treehouse of Horror series.

Coincidentally, I've finally made a last minute costume decision for this evening. I'm going to be a doll, and you can bet that my switch will be set to "Evil."

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

Happy Halloween, my pretties! Awwwoooooooooooooo.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

My Super Sweet 16 + Euro Trailer Trash = Wedding of the Year!

Right in time for Halloween comes this story...scarier than any haunted house or slasher flick. (My first instinct was to assume that this is a joke, but I haven't found any evidence of that sort.)

Missy Quinn, a 16-year-old upscale trailer park honey, married her 17-year-old boyfriend in a lavish ceremony costing £100,000 (roughly $165,000), paid for by the bride's daddy. The hefty pricetag included food and drink for 150 guests, a £500 crystal bouquet, and a £16,000 bridal "gown," a tacky ensemble rivaling any club gear hanging in Christina Aguilera's closet.

There are many questions that I asked myself after reading this article, but the first was, "How does a 35-year-old man who surfaces driveways for a living possibly afford to pay for all this crap?" Is "driveway surfacer" a lucrative career path across the pond? Does this guy surface the driveway at Buckingham Palace? Is there a driveway at Buckingham Palace?

Apparently, this family is a bunch of nomads who travels around in a caravan (fancy name for trailer) all summer, so someone must have pushed a relative down a flight of steps and inherited a shit-ton of money at some point. I highly doubt that the driveway surfacing business is a goldmine. Even if it is, if the guy is taking scenic tours of the UK every summer, how much work is he doing? Wouldn't most people want to have their driveways resurfaced in the summer, to prepare for the winter months and maybe take care of any weather damage from the year before? When does this guy work? The last two weeks of September? Driveway surfacer, my ass. Looking at the picture of him and his wife, I'm guessing that they're somehow involved in the adult industry and "driveway surfacer" is just a cheeky euphemism.

The porn angle certainly would help explain much of this how it happened in the first place. I'm not so surprised by the fact that a man would spend a obscene amount of money on his daughter, because that happens all the time. There is no shortage of bratty little rich kids who get everything they want. But how any parent could not only allow and celebrate their underage daughter's marriage to an underage boy, but view it as something to be proud of completely baffles me.

I'm also baffled that this wedding took place in a Catholic church. When my Dad was marrying my Mom, the priest at his church wouldn't marry them simply because my Mom was Lutheran. A friend of mine who had lived in Erie, PA for a few years wanted to get married in Pittsburgh, and she talked to a priest who, in no uncertain terms, told her that she would have to join the church in order to be married there but that they "weren't taking any new members" anyway. Rigidity - it's the Catholic way, right? Well, St. Mary's of Cheshire didn't seem to have a problem with hitching up a couple of clueless teenagers and welcoming the scantily-clad wedding party and congregation. Maybe British Catholics are more laid-back? Of course, it's more likely that the church rules change depending on the state of the collection plate.

My favorite part of this story was a quote from a twenty-something guest, who wore a £700 bra and hotpants outfit. She said, "This isn't unusual - it's just what we do at weddings."

Interesting. I've been in nine weddings, and a guest at several others. I've never worn or spotted anyone else wearing a bra and hotpants ensemble. I've never been to a wedding (or anywhere, for that matter) where tweens were walking around in bikini tops and high heels. I've never been to a wedding where the parents of the bride were younger than me. And I've never been to a wedding where everyone in attendance deserved to either be committed or burned at the stake. I guess I've been missing out.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Big Wicked Online Pageant

This is my entry in The Big Wicked Online Pageant - an online Halloween event hosted by Beth, Dale and Bubs. It's like a costume contest for our ghosts of Halloween past.

Proving that I was always a slave to pop culture, here I am in 1984 decked out as Cyndi Lauper, getting ready to go trick-or-treating and she-bopping all over the neighborhood. Okay, so at the time I didn't know what "she-bop" really meant. The revelation that it was more fun than trick-or-treating came a bit later. Nyuk nyuk.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Suddenly, We're Not Half the Psycho Fans We Used To Be

Last week, the BFF texted me, wanting to know if I was going to do a birthday post for Simon LeBon. I had to break the news to the die-hard LeBonite that Simon's birthday was actually the 27th (today). I haven't talked to her since then, so I think she's been sitting in a dark corner somewhere, hanging her head in shame. Well, hopefully she'll come out and have a cupcake or something in Simon's honor. It's quite a big day for him...the big 5-0!! I-yi-yi-yi-i just hope officially becoming an old man doesn't interfere with his re-flex. If it does, I suppose he could always try-yi-yi Vi-yi-yi-agra.

Now, while the BFF jumped the gun on wanting to wish her man a happy birthday, at least she remembered that it was near. I, on the other hand, am ready to slink over to a dark corner of my own. Can you believe that I forgot to commemorate Michael Johns' birthday?? He turned the big 3-0 on the 20th. First, I was a week late for Jeremy Sisto's birthday and now this? What is happening to me? I have what it takes to be one of the best celebrity stalkers out there, and I consistently let my laziness keep me down. *sigh*

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Biting Off More (Don't Worry, I Have a Big Mouth)

I've joined another blog, kids! The witty and fabulous Kat has created Fire That Agency!, a blog dedicated to pointing out the good, the bad, and the ugly in the world of advertising. Well, not so much the good, because what fun is that??

I already re-posted my rant on the Secret Flawless wench, but today I have a new target: that dillweed from the ShamWow commercial. Go check it out!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Battle of the Netflix Stars #5

And the Halloween horrors just keep coming...

Bout #5: Battle of the Supposed Horror Classics

Movie:The ChangelingSuspiria
Director:Peter MedakDario Argento
Star Power:George C. Scott, Melvyn DouglasJessica Harper, Udo Kier
Plot:After New York composer John Russell loses his wife and daughter to a car accident, he picks up and moves to Seattle, settling in at a sprawling mansion. When John starts to believe that the house is haunted, he does some digging and learns that the presence is the ghost of a boy who lived there nearly a decade ago. He also discovers that what happened to the boy is part of a secret that could destroy a powerful political family.American dancer Suzy Bannion travels to Europe to attend ballet school. On the night she arrives, she sees another girl hysterically fleeing the school. Suzy discovers that the mystery girl was murdered that same evening, and soon starts noticing that there are strange things going on at the school - like maggots falling from the ceiling and people disappearing. She soon discovers that the school staff are all a bunch of witches.
Pros:No gimmicks, lame special effects, or gore needed. Just a great story boosted by solid performances.
Cons:I can't really think of many, although I feel like the ghost suddenly became much more menacing and vengeful towards the end of the movie, which seems a bit inconsistent. But hey, I guess you never can really trust a ghost.The acting was bad, some of the dubbing was really distracting, and the plot (or lack thereof) was lame. It was apparent from the beginning that the movie was about witches so there was really no "big reveal." Worst of all, the same 3 annoying songs kept playing over and over.
My Thoughts:I would definitely put this in the "classic" category, not only because it is an engrossing movie, but because I saw SO many things that later horror movies (including The Sixth Sense, The Others, and The Ring) obviously "borrowed" from this one.I actually became really angry while watching this. It felt like it was 5 hours long. Prior to viewing, I had heard so much about how Dario Argento is a "master of horror" and how this movie is so suspenseful, yadda yadda yadda. Whatever. Apparently, Argento's idea of suspense is filming someone walking down a hallway for 10 minutes while some really loud, repetitive piece of music blares away, only to have the person finally encounter something that anyone watching with half a brain already knew was going to be there. In fact, one of the songs features a ridiculous voice that keeps whispering, "witch," so there's certainly no suspense over what this movie is about!
Final Grade:B+F

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

I thought this might be appropriate as we approach Halloween - it's "Possum Kingdom" by The Toadies. Is it about a vampire? Is it about a serial killer? It's up to you. Either way, his lady friend isn't coming back from that lake.

For me, the scariest thing about this song is that it's 13 years old. Seems like just yesterday that I was jumping around to this in celebration of having aced my finals. *sigh*

P.S. Sorry I've been neglecting my blog and yours. I've been a bit under the weather for the last few days.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Don't Get Hooked on Me, Babies

Hey gang, my post about classic urban legends is on Starpulse today. Hopefully it will help get you in the mood for Halloween. Check it out here.

Do it now, before I reach through your monitor and claw your eyes out.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

It's that wonderful season when the leaves change color...and so do my eyes. It happens every year. Nothing to be alarmed about. Something to do with some tattered old piece of paper that I signed in blood, yadda yadda. It's too long of a story to go into here.

Anyyyyway, I'd like to celebrate my metamorphosis with "Devil Woman," a wicked good song by my dark lord and master, Cliff Richard.

I wouldn't advise leaving smart-assy comments about Sir Cliff. I have one hell of a temper.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

I know I've been neglecting this blog of late. I've just been so down in the dumps. Last week, I reported that Hef/Holly and Nicolette Sheridan/Michael Bolton broke up, but that was only the beginning of a string of catastrophic pop cultural events. Now, Tea Leoni and David Duchovny are splitting, Madonna is getting divorced, Britney's back, Aubrey O'Day got kicked out of Danity Kane, Janet Jackson has vertigo, Jay Leno is getting sued, and Joe the Plumber can't afford to buy his company. It's all been a little overwhelming.

But, just when I was about to give up all hope, the clouds parted, the angels sang, and a glorious light beamed down from Heaven. Lauren and Heidi are friends again!! Oh, holy day!

Approved time-waster: Make your own demotivational posters!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Better A Week Late Than Never

So, while I was chillin' in the 'Burgh last week, I totally spaced on a very important day: October 6. It was on that day in 1974 that a sex bomb was dropped somewhere out in California.


And 34 years later, I'm still feeling the shockwaves.

Happy Birthday, Jeremy, my beloved #3 man. I'm very sorry that this wish is late. I would really, really, really, really like to make it up to you. Really.

Battle of the Netflix Stars #4

And you thought this feature was dead! Shows how much you know. It's alive. Alive!

Since it's October, I've decided to do a few of these that focus on thrillers and horror movies. I'll be watching a lot of 'em this month.

Bout #4: Battle of the Low-Budget Horror Flicks

Movie:Nail Gun Massacre

Campfire Stories

Director(s):Bill Leslie & Terry LoftonBob Cea, Andrzej Krakowski, and Jeff Mazzola
Star Power:NoneDavid Johansen, Jamie-Lynn Sigler
Plot:After a woman is gang-raped, a mysterious, helmet-wearing vigilante starts picking off the rapists one by one. One guess as to the weapon the killer uses!Two teenage dudes meet a young woman having car trouble. Their search for help leads them into the woods, where they meet crazy Forest Ranger Bill. The ranger persuades the kids to listen to his "scary stories" while they wait for a tow truck. The trilogy of tales features: young punks harrassing a mentally unstable groundskeeper, young punks harrassing (and killing) an old Indian man, and young punks harrassing their girlfriends.
Pros:The movie is SO bad that it's actually good. The one-liners that the killer fires off before each "nailing" are ridiculously laugh-out-loud funny.Charlie Day and Rob McElhenney are in it.
Cons:There is an interminably long and gratuitous sex scene that basically focuses on a very unattractive guy's hairy ass. While it eventually becomes funny, you will feel squirmy and nauseous for a while.Charlie Day and Rob McElhenney are in it. Poor guys. Comedic brilliance trapped in this horrible excuse for a movie.
My Thoughts:I was actually afraid to watch this at first, because I have a serious phobia about nail guns and staple guns. However, after seeing the movie, I am LESS afraid of nail guns. Seriously, the killer nailed one guy in the shoulder, the nail didn't even completely penetrate, and he DIED from the wound. And it's totally obvious that the nails are rubber. But all of this low budget nonsense adds up to a pretty damn funny movie that's worth at least one viewing. Watch it with a group to make your very own episode of Mystery Science Theater 2000.I can't imagine why Jamie-Lynn Sigler would have done this, when she was already on The Sopranos. Not that she has to do much acting anyway. David Johansen is truly awful, and none of the stories are scary in the least. Not only that, but they're so poorly structured. They ramble on aimlessly before finally getting to the "twists," which are neither ironic nor interesting, and altogether nonsensical. Same goes for the ending, which tries to wrap up the tale of the lost teens. And The Misfits show up from out of nowhere for no reason. While it was a lot of fun ripping this movie apart, it wasn't nearly as cool as Nail Gun Massacre and I definitely wouldn't recommend it.
Final Grade:B
(As in "Best of the Bad B-Movies.")

(As in "Damn, I can't give it an F because of Charlie Day.")

Friday, October 10, 2008

Caption Crotch-test Contest #15

"Miss O'Day assures the world that her pussy
licking days are behind her."

And with that, the torch has been passed to The Imaginary Reviewer. This is a well-deserved win, since I really liked his caption last month, but my inner prude forced me to make it a runner-up because of its pure filth. This caption is rather "blue" as well, but I think it's too late for me to play Miss Butter Wouldn't Melt In My Mouth American Sweetheart at this point, so what the hell. New blog format: nothin' but beastiality and cunnilingus!

(Note to Google search pervs: That was a joke. Sorry to have misled you. But there are still plenty of nauseating niche porn sites out there. Go fish.)

And now, the three finalists who gave it their all and came so close, yet still remain a huge disappointment to me:

Aubrey told
Entertainment Tonight that she was drunk the other night and blew chunks. Fortunately, they didn't know her dog's name was Chunks. - Tootsie

...and so the Center for Disease Control and Prevention voted unanimously that the dog must be put down and Miss O'Day sterilized for the greater good of the community. - Pepe Le Pew

After a hard night out, Aubrey O'Day hacks up a small daiquiri-flavored dog's head. - Deadspot

Nice going, gang. And hey, no need to thank me for prettying up your sentences. Toots, punctuation is our friend. And Pepe, this is America. We don't put esses where zees should be. Not only did Imaginary Reviewer have the best caption, but his was properly spelled and structured too. Why can't you kids be more like him? Maybe, with a little work, you too can one day be...

(Okay, so Tootsie and Deadspot have already had the fire down below. But the rest of you monkeys better work it.)

The tone of this post was inspired by Falwless, who has taught me that the best way to retain your readers is by berating and insulting them.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Right Here, Tough Guy

Falwless's post today about her love of the Real World/Road Rules challenges (admit it, you love them too) got me thinking about something. As long as these challenges have been around, there has always been a "bully" that pretty much dominates each one. There's been Abram (once upon a time), Wes, Evan (charming, but a bully nonetheless), CT, and, the baddest lady bully of them all, Coral.

This year, they've really hit the bottom of the bully barrel with a complete assclown who goes by the name of Johnny Bananas. Does that name really strike fear into the heart of anyone? Who lets themself be pushed around by a fat-faced Neanderthal with a fruity name? I'm amazed that he even knows what the word "strategy" means, let alone that he has the ability to try to use it to form alliances. And why anyone allies with him anyway is a complete mystery. He seems to even annoy his "friends."

On the other hand, one of these supposed friends, Kenny, could push me around any day. I'm a little baffled by his recent hook-up with Wes's ex, Scrawny Pocahontas (aka Johanna), but I'm willing to overlook that lapse in judgment.

Hey, who am I kidding? The fact that he's been on five of these challenges shows that he has no judgment. And the fact that I religiously watch them means that neither do I. I think we could make some beautifully bad decisions together.

Now I just need to figure out how to get on that island. Without selling my soul to MTV.

Well...after a little research, I've found that there is no other way. Ah well. Kenny's a New Jersey boy. I'm bound to run into him some time.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Still Recovering

Not from a 4-day hangover...although I did drink Louie Anderson's weight in champagne at my bro's wedding reception. But I have sparkling blood running through my veins, so that's nothing I can't handle.

No, I was completely blindsided by a terrible tragedy just as I was about to get back into the swing of blogging. Watching my brother and his wife say their vows nearly restored my faith in true love, and then this happens.

Oh, Hef and Holly. I can't believe it's over. If those two crazy kids can't make it, what hope is there for the rest of us? I mean, next thing you know, Nicolette Sheridan and Michael Bolton will be break...

Oh, come on!!! Son of a bitch!!

Monday, October 06, 2008

Gimme a Break

Sorry I haven't posted since Thursday, but my brother, Dutch, got married this weekend, which led me back to the good old Burgh of Pitt, where I shall remain 'til Tuesday.

Please amuse yourselves with this while I'm gone.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

I don't know how "classic" this one is, but I'm sure it's long been forgotten.

After two Aubrey O'Day posts, I started thinking that I should post a vid from a slutty chick. Lo and behold, Alannah Myles popped into my head.

Everyone remembers Alannah for "Black Velvet," a song that will never take a rest as long as there is karaoke and American Idol. Most people probably think Ms. Myles just went away quietly after "Black Velvet" invaded the airwaves, but she did have another Top 40 hit with "Love Is."

As a one-time owner of Alannah's 1989 debut record, I used to really like this song. Maaaaaybe I belted it out into my curling iron a few times while I was getting ready to go to the mall. And maybe I turned the lights off and put my Conair makeup mirror on the "evening" setting while I was doing it. So what? I could still put on a better performance than her.

You see, I had the misfortune of seeing Alannah open for Robert Plant of all people. She came out in some skimpy lace teddy or some such nonsense, and it was immediately clear that she was trying to be the brunette, Canadian Madonna. It didn't really work.

Apparently, a lot of men really found this woman sexy, but I have never understood her appeal. Every time I look at her, I can't shake the feeling that she's like one of those 50-something ladies who you'd see strutting around Wal-Mart on a Saturday night in an ill-fitting camisole, ripped up denim mini-skirt, and 4-inch yellow pumps, hitting on stock boys. I guess that's what belting back too much Black Velvet does to you.


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine