Wednesday, April 30, 2008

American Idol 7 Results: 4/30/08

Tonight was a very special Idol results show. Call it "Idol Gives Paula Back Some Credibility." Paula was smartly given a girl-next-door hairdo and the stylists put her in a silky cream frock to make her look extra angelic.

I had been wondering why no one sang "Cracklin' Rosie" last night - I know now that they just saved it for tonight's medley. The gang got on board with "Rosie," "Song Sung Blue" (sung badly, in this case) and "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show." The latter is a song that Kristi had been talking about lately, which I didn't recognize by title but immediately knew as soon as the Idols started singing it. I haven't heard that song in ages! It's a good one. Unfortunately, my enjoyment of it was marred by David Cook's attempt at preacher talkin'. Wow, that made me cringe.

Since I hate these group sings, I've learned to just keep my eye on Jason during them. He treats them like the Disney kids-gone-bad spectacles that they are by completely embracing the cheesiness. He didn't disappoint me tonight. Castro is love.

Ex-Idols Constantine Maroulis and Gina Glocksen were in the audience to plug their show, American Idol Extra. I think I saw Gina throw up in her mouth a little when Ryan asked Constantine if the two were dating. Then, Ryan asked Constantine to do his patented "greasy tool" look into the camera, and I threw up in my toilet. A lot.

Ryan tried his hand at damage control by addressing the controversy over Paula's gaffe last night. Well, sort of. He only briefly mentioned that she made "comments" and that there a lot of "rumors" on the Internet which "aren't true." Paula is part of their family and they love her!! Wait...but the rumors aren't really about Paula. We already know that she's nuts. What about the rumors that the show is rigged? Or that the producers tell all of the judges what to say, who to praise and who to trash? Or that a double-David finale has already been decided? As expected, Ryan stepped right over those land mines.

Seacrest began the lengthy results process by calling out Jason Zuko, er, Castro first. Nigel Lythgoe gnashed his giant horse teeth as Ryan announced that Jason was safe! Well, they couldn't vote him off after all of last night's controversy. (Thanks, Paula!) Jason was obviously very amused by his safety, as he headed over to the comfy couches wearing his best "I can't believe I just got away with that" smile.

Ryan talked to Little Lord Archuleroy for an unreasonably long time before stating the obvious. In accordance with the prophecy, David was, once again, safe. This announcement prompted gaspy gratitude from our little one, as he walked buckle-kneed over to the safety zone mouthing, "What? Oh my gawrsh! I can't believe it!" He should be nominated for an Emmy for that performance.

David Cook was called out next and also given access to the couches. That meant the two gals, Brooke and Syesha, were the Bottom 2.

Natasha Bedingfield performed her new song, "Pocket Full of Sunshine." Wow, that girl is all cheekbones and teeth.

Damage control began again with the viewer call-in segment. A precious little 10 year-old called in to ask Paula why she's so darn sweet. Paula acted like the inspirational grade school teacher from any number of Lifetime movies. Ms. Abdul's lessons: Kids are great! Keep your dreams alive! All of the contestants are wonderful! Love everyone! Paula should be nominated for an Emmy for that performance.

The next caller also happened to have a question for Paula. Does she plan on releasing any more records? This was used as another plug for her single, "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow." Hmm. I had forgotten about that one already.

To round out this completely scripted trio of calls, "Tara Miller" called to remind Simon that she was his first kiss. When Simon began reminiscing, Randy was all, "Dude! You remembered her!" like it was a big surprise. Randy and Simon should both be nominated for Emmies for their performances.

This week's mentor, Neil Diamond, took the stage to sing "Pretty Amazing Grace," which was thankfully not an ode to Kristy Lee Cook. The song wasn't pretty amazing, but it was better than Dolly's "Jesus and Gravity." It was kind of like mellow mariachi. The idiot pit didn't know how to respond. They were waving their arms at first, then they all took a break, some looked around for any kind of guidance, then they started clapping along, and finally settled back on the arm waving. Perhaps Paula should choreograph routines for them?

Neil advised all the Idols to keep on keepin' on, and even though he didn't say anything Earth-shattering, he just has one of those voices that makes him sound very wise. His eyebrows freaked me out a bit though. I can't believe I didn't mention this last night. He reminds me of that one Seinfeld episode where Uncle Leo burned his eyebrows off and Elaine drew new ones on his face with a Sharpie. I was waiting for Nigel to come out and say, "Neil, I don't care for your demeanor" while scribbling in his little black(list) book.

After a long hour on the chopping block, the axe finally fell on Babbling Brooke. Simon didn't look happy. Brooke probably didn't deserve to go tonight, but she was offered up as the sacrificial lamb so that Jason could remain on the show and everyone could pretend that the judges never launched their very obvious anti-Castro campaign.

Brooke's Alaina Whitaker-esque breakdown verged on pathetic and made everyone uncomfortable. Though she could barely speak or hold her head up, the evil powers that be still forced her to sing one last time. I think she sang "I Am...I Said." It was hard to make out any lyrics through her choked sobs. The rest of the contestants came out to the stage while she sang, ostensibly to offer moral support, but only Cook gave her a half-hearted pat on the back while the rest stared blankly. Castro was hilarious as ever, widely grinning like a very pretty idiot as Brooke went through her final death throes.

Next week's theme is the "Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame." Who wants to bet that Little Lord Archuleroy will sing Simon's favorite song, The Righteous Brothers' "Unchained Melody?"

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

American Idol 7: Red Red Wine Goes to Paula's Head

Tonight is Neil Diamond night on AI, and I can only hope that means that Neil will embrace his dark, Will Ferrell side and scare some life into the remaining five contestants. Here's hoping that if Brooke babbles too much, he'll warn her, "I'll smack you in the mouth! I'm Neil Diamond!!"

Seacrest announces that each Idol will sing two songs tonight and then speeds around the stage like he's in a Buster Keaton movie. Well, this is going to be annoying. Hey, here's an idea. Why not just let everyone sing one full-length song? Man, what a bunch of monkeys they have running this show.

Jason Castro, who the judges wanted rid of last week, is shoved into the dreaded first spot tonight. Imagine that! He sings one of my favorite Neil tunes, "Forever in Blue Jeans," and it's okay. I honestly do think Jason has a pretty voice, but his lack of concern for this competition is really showing. You know who would've done this song justice? Michael Johns. If there's anyone who can fill out a pair of blue jeans, it's that boy. Mmmmm mmmm. Ah well. Anyway, I wonder why Jason didn't go for the obscure "Pot Smoker's Song?" Now that's a song he could truly make his own.

Ryan zooms in, spits out Jason's call-in numbers and says, "Thejudgescommentswillbehelduntilaftereveryonesingsbothoftheirsongs. Now let'smove! Gogogo...faster! Getoffthestage, Jason! NEXT!"

If Ryan is in such a hurry, why does he bother to bring David Cook out for some pointless banter on the uncomfortable stools? But more importantly, what in the name of Holly Holy is David wearing?? Did one of the tweens in the idiot pit make that jacket in Home Ec class? I can't help focusing on the fact that he's got "AC" on his ugly jacket and his guitar. Is this a lame AC/DC joke or is this some kind of tribute to his brother? And why did Ryan blather on about himself and his childhood trips in the family station wagon instead of finding out this information, like a real host? While I'm asking myself all of these questions, David is performing "I'm Alive," but I hear all that I need to hear. It sounds like what I imagined it would sound like. Good, but very familiar.

Brooke White comes out in a very Monkees ensemble (poet blouse, vinyl pants) to sing "I'm A Believer" as awkwardly as possible. I predict that this girl will be completely bent in half by the time she's 60. Her posture is terrible. She's all hunched over her guitar like the strap is too short. And her facial expressions make her look like a lunatic. It's like you can see her entire thought process during the song - chord, chord, chord, SMILE, chord, chord, chord, shake hair, chord, chord, chord, SMILE! The vocals aren't horrible, but it's all very karaoke.

Up next is frat-house favorite, "Sweet Caroline," sung by...Little Lord Archuleroy? He's singing it well enough, but somehow he and the band have managed to turn this classic tune into a sitcom theme song. Honestly, good times have seemed better.

Syesha Mercado comes out to say "Hello Again," reminding us that, even though she has no apparent fan base, she's still here. Syesha looks very pretty tonight. Actually, with her hair all flattened out like that, she looks a lot like Saleisha, last year's winner of America's Next Top Model. Hmm, you never do see Syesha and Saleisha in the same room together. Anyway, although her performance is slightly corny, it's actually my favorite vocal so far.

Going back on his earlier promise that all judges' comments would be saved until after the second performances, Ryan barks at them to hurry up and give some quick thoughts on how things are going so far. Randy puts the Davids and Syesha in the zone, but leaves Brooke at the karaoke bar and barely mentions Jason. Simon has no problem firing off insults at everyone and tells them all to step it up. And Paula...oh, Paula. Here is where it gets good.

Paula starts to critique Jason and comments on both songs, even though he's only sung one so far. Everyone looks confused. She continues. She is actually explaining why his first song was better than his second (which has yet to be performed), and whining that he doesn't seem like he's trying hard enough. Nigel Lythgoe can be heard shouting into Simon's earpiece, "Abort! Abort!" and something about a self-destruct button. Randy tries to help Paula out and only makes matters worse. Paula then exclaims, "Oh, I thought you sang twice! This is HARD!" Everyone laughs nervously. Simon tries to cover by talking over her. Then Paula tries to explain it away by saying she was looking at her notes for David Cook, even though she had bad comments for Jason and good ones for David. Okay, then.

Pop quiz!

Paula just revealed that:

A. The show isn't live
B. She writes her notes during the rehearsals
C. Someone else writes her notes for her
D. She is batshit crazy
E. Some combination of the above

Here's a hint: there are no wrong answers. Ain't I just like the cool teacher in school?

Moving pointlessly onward...Ryan scrambles around like it's the last 20 minutes of The Oscar telecast.

Jason finally gets around to that second song, "September Morn," and it turns out Paula was right. The first song was better. (She's finally done enough drugs that she can see into the future. Good on her.) His vocals are fairly weak and the ending is really shaky, but he sure looks purty. The judges all take turns throwing Jason under the bus, while he just stands there quietly. But I can practically hear his inner voice screaming, "What do I have to do to get voted off of this show? Please! GET ME OUT OF HERE ALREADY!"

David Cook returns to the stage with "All I Really Need Is You," which he promptly Daughtrifies. Both of his songs tonight sound the same to me. The thing is, he can really sing, so that obviously counts for something. But he's starting to bore me. The judges are falling over themselves to praise David though. They're all turning into that old Kevin Nealon character, Subliminal Man.
Randy: "You rocked (don't vote for Jason) the house."
Paula: "I'm already looking (gimme drugs) at the American Idol."
Simon: "The 1st song (don't vote for Jason)was okay. The 2nd song (don't vote for Jason)was brilliant."

Brooke opts to hunch over her piano this time around for "I Am...I Said." Is she singing in tune? I don't think so. Does that matter to the judges? I don't think so.
Randy: " Nice (don't vote for Jason) job."
Paula: zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Simon: "This is the Brooke (don't vote for Jason) we like."

I had a bad feeling that Little Lord Archuleroy was going to sing either "America" or that crappy E.T. song, "Heartlight." Thankfully, he doesn't sing the latter but, perhaps in honor of fallen Idol hero Kristy Lee Cook, he does choose the former. This has got to be one of the worst songs in the history of history. I think if I were an immigrant on my way to this country, and I heard this song playing on someone's boom box as we were approaching Liberty Island, I would jump ship. But, people love this kind of patriotic pandering and with that giant American flag behind him, no one is going to diss this performance. (I will concede that David's vocals are just fine, but the kid still gets on my nerves.)
Randy: "You're in the (don't vote for Jason) zone."
Paula: "I love you (drugs)."
Simon: "That choice ticked (you are going to make me so much richer, kid) all the right boxes. OH! Annnnd, (don't vote for Jason) uh, never mind. That's it."

Syesha closes out the night with my favorite Neil song (besides that nutty "Porcupine Pie"), "Thank the Lord for the Night Time." There are hand claps! She wins! Actually, it's not fantastic, but she does a better job with it than I thought she would. And it gets a little bit funkier in the middle. I never thought I would say it, but Syesha is my favorite of the night. She is finally showing some personality and has her big voice under she might actually be in danger of going home. Simon uses his best reverse psychology methods on the audience by telling Syesha that even though she did well, she may be in trouble because her performance wasn't memorable enough. (And I think I spotted a "Save The 'Fro, Ditch the Dreads" button on his shirt.) The Dawg still thinks she's in the zone. P-Ab calls Syesha "Brooke." Is Neil Diamond still around? Does he have time to smack Paula in the mouth?

So, who will be the Solitary Man (or Woman) leaving us tomorrow night? As much as I'd like to think that Jason has enough fans to save him, the producers and judges hate him, so I think his days on AI are over. Who else could it possibly be? No matter what they do, the two Davids will be in the final two. So let it be written. So let it be done. Simon adores Brooke for whatever reason. That leaves fan-less Syesha, but since they've gotten rid of two girls in a row, I doubt another girl will go this week. She'll most likely share the Bottom 2 with the dreadlocked wonder, but he will be the one to disappear in a cloud of (pot) smoke.

Monday, April 28, 2008

What Irks The Most

Do you know what annoys me the most about all of these teen TV drama series?

It's not the requisite bad acting or the dialogue that's even too grown-up for thirtysomethings.

It's not that these kids always have time for sex. And it's not that, against all odds, all of these 16 - 18 year-olds who probably think a "vulva" is just a car that they wouldn't be caught dead in are somehow having such mind-blowing, steamy, sensual sex at all times. It's not even that none of this sex can ever be had with someone outside of their small circle of friends.

It's not that no one ever wears the same outfit twice.

It's not that pretty much everyone is rich and even the kids from the wrong side of the tracks still drive to school (the bus is only for freshmen) and wear all the latest fashions.

No, what bugs me the most is how damn early these kids get up for school. I mean, seriously. They must all get up at 3 am! Did you ever notice that they all seem to have time to shower, do their hair, put on their fiercest ensemble, check their email, send several text messages, have breakfast, fight with their parents, uncover a family and/or friend's secret, mope around about it, call their BFF, pick said BFF up in their awesome convertible, stop by Starbucks for a latte, stand around and talk about the big secret, start a rumor, check email again, drop their party clothes off at the dry cleaner's, do some window shopping, and then get to school with enough time to finish that report, strut around the hall, spot an ex making out with the new girl/boy, make plans for later that night, and get to homeroom right before the bell rings?

I can suspend my disbelief for all the other stuff, but that whole extended morning ritual is just too unrealistic. No one gets up that early for school. Especially if they're getting laid three times a day, every day, and going out underage drinking every night.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news items are curiously fascinating:

Wesley Snipes Takes the Money Train to The Hoosegow - Wesley Snipes followed in the footsteps of fellow celebs like Willie Nelson and the naked guy from Survivor by "forgetting" to file tax returns. On Thursday, the actor was sentenced to three years in prison - one year for each count of tax evasion. This should teach celebs a very valuable lesson. That is, if you wanna commit a crime and not have to do the time, you should probably just repeatedly drive drunk or murder someone. You'll be fine. But never, ever mess with the government's money!

Richie Sambora Proves My Earlier Point - Mere hours after charges were brought against the Bon Jovi guitarist (and once-upon-a-time man of my dreams) for driving drunk with his daughter in the car, he cut a deal that kept him out of jail. He's been sentenced to three years of "informal" probation (whatever that means) and gets to go to alkie summer school. No child endangerment charges were filed because, evidently, drunkenly swerving around the road doesn't really endanger your kid that much.

Amy Winehouse Did Something Bad Again...I Think - It seems that Amy and rehab really don't mix, as she apparently fell off the wagon last week, taking out some innocent bystanders in the process with a few well-placed punches and head-butts. According to UK rag, The Sun, "Onlookers told how the married singer snogged a mystery fella at a nightspot and shocked punters by overturning tables and drinks." that bad? Oh, why can't those British reporters speak English?

Celebutards' Political Picks in High Demand - Not that celebs' opinions on politics should matter at all, but I remember a time when the only ones who mouthed off about topical issues were the ones who seemed to have fully-functioning brains, like Susan Sarandon, Bruce Willis and Eddie Vedder. But, now we're supposed to care which candidate has the all-important bimbo vote? What reporters have so much time on their hands that they can fritter it away by talking politics with the likes of Heidi Montag and Kim Kardashian? I know virtually nothing about politics, but next to these broads I'm practically Mary Matalin. Or James Carville. Or, more appropriately, some famous Independent who I can't name.

...And The Most Shocking News You Will Hear All Year - John Travolta has finally done something that I cannot defend. Click the link and see for yourselves. I'll just be in the bathroom, washing my eyes. And then I'm gonna pray to St. Oprah to help JT find his razor again.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

I don't know how to pronounce it or anything...

...but I believe it's ménage à trois (de club haut de mille)?

Dear creators of The Secret,
I have been focusing on this image in my mind for months now. Deeply. Intently. I've been sending my damaged brainwaves into the universe so hard that sometimes I forget where I am. And still...this dream of mine has not materialized.

Am I doing this wrong? Should I be in the warrior pose? Downward facing dog? Do I need to burn some incense? Well?? WHAT??? HELP ME!!

Nutso McNutbag

Friday, April 25, 2008

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

This week's video is a special request from the Frick to my Frack, the yin to my yang, the Beavis to my Butthead - my best pal, Angela.

Hard to believe that it's taken me this long to post a Wham! video. I suppose if I ever would have, I'd go for the super-old and supremely cheesy "Bad Boys." But, since I'm honoring the request, you're all getting "I'm Your Man" to kick off the weekend. This came from 1986's Music From the Edge of Heaven, an album that marked the end of Wham!'s brief career, and the beginning of Andrew Ridgeley's life as "that other guy."

This song would've been another good choice for Michael Johns to sing on American Idol's '80s Week, but the crushing weight of the sexy in that performance may have caused me to pass out and wham my head off of the coffee table. I'm sure his concern for my well-being is precisely why he sang something else.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

American Idol 7 Results: 4/23/08 (Part Deux)

I watched most of the elimination show on YouTube today, and I've decided that Carly was gracious about her ouster. However, two questions:

1. What was she grousing about to Seacrest during Syesha's performance? I've never seen anyone do that while another contestant was performing. It was kind of disrespectful, don't you think? I'm assuming that Syesha has peripheral vision. It could've been rather distracting. Maybe that's why she went out into the audience.

2. Who was her "I remembered all the words" comment directed at? Was it meant as a dig at Brooke, or was she referring to her own mangling of the "Jesus Christ Superstar" lyrics?

Just based on vocal ability, Carly certainly deserved to stay over Brooke or Jason, but as we all know, AI isn't always fair*.

Even though Carly was one of my early favorites, she started to get on my nerves sometime after the two Beatles weeks, which is the last time I can remember her not loudly assaulting my eardrums. Therefore, I'm not that sad to see her go.

I'm also very happy that Jason and his bong are staying. Since it's become obvious over the years (especially during this year) that AI is a more of a partially-scripted reality show* than a talent show, why would they want to get rid of the most entertaining contestant?

By the way, I think I found proof that David Archuleta didn't come up with that pop ballad arrangement on his own. When Seacrest was talking to him about it, David stumbled over his words and called the arrangement "the thing." He was happy with the thing. You know, the thing. The thing that the producers dropped into his lap.

*Yes, I'm still bitter about Michael Johns' elimination. Thanks for noticing.

American Idol 7 Results: 4/23/08 (Part Un)

Okay, so I just got home. My bro, J-Fred, was in town and I opted for dinner and beers with him instead of staying in to watch AI and making the ass-groove in my couch even deeper.

Apparently, Carly was voted off last night. Apparently, she was kind of a whiny, sore loser. I will have to watch the action on YouTube some time today and compile my thoughts. But, in the meantime, let me say that I'm happy that my little dreadlocked Travolta-boy is still around to amuse me with his stoner expressions and sparkly eyes.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

American Idol 7: It's Better Than Cats!

Last week, the Idols were forced to sing Mariah Carey songs, which the judges always warn against. Tonight, the Idols are forced to sing Broadway show tunes, which the judges always dismiss as not contemporary enough. I can only imagine that next week's theme will be "2 Live Crew Night." Damn the show to hell for denying me Michael Johns' version of "Me So Horny."

Being that Carly and Brooke are dressed like peasant girls, I immediately think that they might try songs from Les Misérables. Luckily, they're limited to the catalog of Andrew Lloyd Webber, who had nothing to do with the best musical EVER. Thank God. If I had to hear a screechy or coffeehouse version of "On My Own," I would've had to pop a musket ball in a bitch's ass.

Well, let's get on with it, shall we? Opera glasses on.

The producers are obviously tired of Syesha Mercado, as they've put her in the dreaded first spot tonight. She tells Lord Webber that she plans to infuse "One Rock and Roll Too Many" (Starlight Express) with lots of personality. From what I can tell, Syesha's definition of "personality" is basically "lots of head jerking." Once onstage though, she really does a lot more than that and I have to admit to really enjoying her performance. I still think that a lot of what she does is a bit fake and contrived, but I guess that suits the Broadway theme, because these songs are meant for musical actors. All of the judges think this is one of Syesha's best performances, and Simon thinks she's sexy. Pre-Michael, a comment like that might have made me jealous.

Up next is Jason Castro to sing "Memory" (Cats). Andrew Lloyd Webber never thought he'd see the day when a man with dreadlocks would sing this song. Yeah, because that's so much weirder than a chick dressed like a cat. Jason is, like, um, pretty nervous, like whoa, and hey, he like, didn't know *toke* that a cat sings this song. He does as good a job as he can with a song that he most likely has no interest in, and the idiot pit sways its arms in approval. I really don't think Jason's performance is that bad, but Randy looks at him like he just put his cat in the microwave and calls it a train wreck. Paula's critique makes no sense, but she manages to get two big words out: "unique" and "balladeer," which is impressive. She really went out of her comfort zone there. Simon compared Jason to a young boy forced by his parents to sing at a wedding. (I think they're getting Jason and David Archuleta confused.)

You know, I'm kind of pissed off by this attack on Jason. (And no, it's not just because he looks and sounds like Vinnie Barbarino.) AI picks a show tunes theme, knowing full well that that isn't something that the majority of the contestants are comfortable with. And, yes, they should be able to rise to the occasion, but every judge's critique revolves around the fact that this isn't Jason's genre. They just lock him into the Jack Johnson box and won't let him out. There has to be some other criteria for judging the performance when the performer is so obviously out of his/her element. Just based on vocals, the song sounds fine. It's not superb, but it certainly isn't a "train wreck."

I'm starting to think that there's a conspiracy to get rid of all the good-looking guys on the show. I wouldn't doubt that horse-face Nigel Lythgoe is behind it. Scum.

The new Vote for the Worst pick, Brooke White, takes the stage to sing "You Must Love Me" (Evita). She makes VFTW proud when she completely screws up the beginning, stops and asks to start again. *pin drop* She restarts and makes it through the whole song without breaking down, but it is so unbelievably bland. Randy's not feelin' it, and Paula...well, Paula takes a really long time to say anything. *pin drop* Finally, Paula thinks of something to say, and tells Brooke, "NEVER start and then stop." Oh my God. Is this woman serious? Do you remember the week that Brooke flubbed the intro to "Every Breath You Take?" Paula was practically falling over herself, congratulating Brooke on making the "professional" choice of stopping and starting again after realizing that it just wasn't starting properly. I don't know how much more hypocrisy I can take from this show. And Simon, who enjoyed ripping Jason apart mere minutes ago, now sits there choosing his words very carefully so as not to upset poor Brookey. Why are they all coddling her?? Get her off the stage before she starts babbling!!

Ryan brings Little Lord Archuleroy out to chat, then quickly pimps him out to a gaggle of girls up front, who all jump up on stage to hug him. David has no idea what to do with his hands and looks half frightened/half repulsed. Then he launches into "Think of Me" (Phantom of the Opera), determined to follow Big Lord Webber's advice to keep his dewy puppy dog eyes open the entire time. He does, and he also manages to turn the show tune into a pop ballad. (Well, I tend to think that someone made that transformation for him.) Once again, David sings very well but I'm still bored with him. Maybe it's because I'm over 16. I don't know. The age factor doesn't stop the Three Stooges from showering him with praise (although Simon is a bit restrained) and Randy proclaims him "the one to beat." (Note to Daddy Archuleta: this is not meant to be taken literally, you freak.)

Carly Smithson planned on singing a boring ballad, but A-Lloyd talks her into "Jesus Christ Superstar." She sings it well enough, but there is definitely some shouting involved. Every time she sings, "Jesus Christ," it just sounds like she's pissed off. But, Randy and Paula ain't mad at her, and although Simon agrees with me on the "shoutiness," he still picks Carly's performance as one of his faves of the night.

The anchor man tonight is David Cook, who I have to say is getting better and better looking every week. He looks dizzamn good with all the fuzzy scruff. So much better than that overgrown soul patch. I guess after spending all that time with Michael as a roommate, the sexiness had to rub off at some point. Lord Webber certainly is smitten...he's totally hitting on David! AWKWARD! David escapes the lecherous Brit's clutches and performs another Phantom song, "Music of the Night." Part of me was hoping that he would rock it out, but I'm actually glad that he's staying true to the original song, because he's proving that he has some serious pipes. Randy thinks it's a "molten hot lava bomb," and Simon likes it but would've preferred something "grittier." Paula tells David that he has a "beautiful instrument." Okay, so for those of you playing along at home, that's two sexual harassment suits that David will be bringing against the show if he doesn't win.

So, who's out this week? Based on the critiques and song choice, I am gonna have to say that Jason will most likely be all alone in the moonlight tomorrow evening. It's a tough call though. Brooke was pretty much a mess, so she will be in the Bottom 2. (I think we're down to only a Bottom 2 at this point.) But with the support of VFTW, Brooke might slide through. That leaves Syesha and Carly as possible bottom dwellers. Syesha went first and sang a song that not a lot of people know. Carly shouted a song from a musical that many Christians hate. So, who has the ultimate power? The tweens? The Mormons? The Christian right? VFTW? The producers? I say the latter, and unfortunately they don't like Jason. Plus, it's a boy's turn to go. A beautiful boy, at that. Sorry, Jason.

Earth Enemy #3,472

Back in the late '70s, my sister, Tootsie, contributed to the massive hole in the ozone layer by using an entire can of Aqua Net during this vain attempt to style my thin, lifeless, 5 year-old hair into an avant-garde statement.

Now the whole world knows what I have always known. My sister is evil.

Happy Earth Day!

Monday, April 21, 2008

BeckEye's 15 Sexiest Actors

Last month, Bloody Awful Poetry (BAP), tagged me with the "15 Sexiest Musician" meme. Now, BAP's back for more, all up in my bid-ness, wanting to know what big-screen men float my boat. Although I universally hate memes, ones of the "hot men" variety are the exception. I really don't mind drooling all over myself. I just stocked up on paper towels from Costco. So, away we go!

1. John Travolta - Like I said with Eddie Vedder (the #1 on my musician list), well duh. Look, even John knew he was going to be in the top spot. The saying goes that you never forget your first love, and John was mine. I've loved the guy since I was 5, and I don't imagine that I'll ever stop.

2. Jeremy Sisto - He's got one fabulous head of hair and a drop-dead sexy deep voice. He's also got a knack for playing characters who are a bit out of whack which, for some reason, is kind of hot. Is it any surprise that a man who grew up this fine started out looking like a mini-Travolta?

3. Ewan McGregor - He's a great actor, a great singer, has a devilish grin, rides a motorcycle and likes to expose himself frequently. Oh, and then there's that delicious accent. What else do you need?

4. Paul Rudd - What I find the most adorable about Paul is that he's outrageously funny, and he's not afraid to look completely stupid. (Remember him dancing to "Aquarius" at the end of The 40-Year-Old Virgin?) Would he still be hot if he weren't as funny? Hmm. Yeah, probably. I mean, good-looking is good-looking. He might just be a little further down my list.

5. Hugh Jackman - Sadly, the last time I did a hot guy list, I left Hugh off. I don't know how that happened. You must all know by know that I am a sucker for accents, and none get to me quite like the Aussie accent does. There's something about him that makes him seem like he's a bit of a rake off-screen, but I've heard that he's quite the devoted family man, which is even sexier.

6. Bradley Cooper - One of the few blondes on my list, Bradley has the kind of good looks that one might find in a frat-boy jerkoff, but hey, I always went for those guys in my younger days. I thought he was really funny as the preppy villain in Wedding Crashers, but it was his role as the nature-loving best friend of Matthew McConaughey in Failure to Launch that won me over. Now I just wanna go camping with him, and I don't even really like camping.

7. Johnny Depp - Johnny is one of those guys who you can probably find on most ladies' sexy lists. He used to be further up mine, but his penchant for dressing like a hobo these days has dropped him down a bit. However, no matter what he does to try to mask his gorgeousness, it never really seems to work. The boy just can't hide what the good Lord gave him.

8. Matthew McConaughey - It seems like a lot of gals are losing their love for Matthew, but I still think he's all right, all right, all right. I mean, the guy plays bongos in the nude and doesn't own any shirts. And, according to this picture, he loves dogs. Oh, and he might actually be totally nuts. What's not to love?

9. Joe Manganiello - You probably know this guy from Spider-Man, as Mary Jane's ex-boyfriend and bully who used to pick on Peter Parker. He was also on ER recently, seemingly as a new love interest for Linda Cardellini's character, but they ended up just sticking her with that dork, John Stamos. No wonder I only half-watch ER. In doing more research on Joe, I found out that he's from Pittsburgh and only 3 years younger than me. What the hell?!? Why didn't I ever run into him?

10. Brad Pitt - Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I'm begrudgingly putting him on my list. Look, the guy is so good-looking that it's kind of unfair. But, I've soured on him ever since the whole Angelina thing, and even more since he started dressing like a 60-year-old cabbie. Okay, so he's here. I'm done talking about it.

11. Patrick Dempsey - Holy head of hair. Patrick has got the most amazing mane I've ever seen in my life. And he gets big props for leaving that dorky teenager behind and growing up so darn fine.

12. Chris Evans - I've never seen either movie that Chris is probably best known for - The Fantastic Four and that one where he was talking to Kim Basinger on the phone for two hours. I did, however, see Not Another Teen Movie, which I have to admit to loving. It's just so stupid, but I love a good spoof. Anyway, I try to keep my blog fairly clean, and it took me a while to find a picture of Chris that didn't look like a soft porn photo shoot. Like McConaughey, he doesn't seem to like shirts very much. I'm sorry to be denying you those photos, but you all know how to Google search. Hop to it!

13. Jesse Bradford - Another movie that I probably should be embarassed to love is Bring it On, but I don't feel guilty in the least. That was the first time I ever saw Jesse and thought he was just adorable. He's also got the mussed, dark hair that I love so much and the impish, crooked grin.

14. Russell Crowe - Russell goes in and out of hotness for me, but if I hear him speaking, he zooms right back into the hot zone. I'm sure if he wasn't an Aussie, he would just be a plain old American thug. I actually kind of like the whole bad boy persona, and when he sports the shaggy 'do, he looks a bit like Eddie Vedder. And there's nothing wrong with that.

15. The posthumous sexy-man award goes to Gene Kelly. Gene was another Pittsburgh man, and a triple threat like Johnny T, Ewan and Hugh. He had some serious guns on him, I tell ya. And, honestly, he never lost his looks as he got older. He was still a silver fox when he was kicking up his roller skates in Xanadu. I have to admit though, even though Gene was the hot one, I always had a crush on his pal, Donald O'Connor...the funny one. And, to tell you the truth, even though I lust after Paul Rudd, I actually have a more special place in my heart for Will Ferrell. What can I say, I love the clowns.

EDIT: Oh darn, I nearly forgot to tag people! How about: CDP, Moxie, Angie, Bluez and Sauntering Soul. Get to it, girls.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

I'm Every Moron, It's All in Me

Since I have nothing to talk about right this second, go check out The Guv and Dan's unofficial, unauthorized biography of yours truly.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

As many of you know, I went to see Pat Benatar last weekend, and she was fab-o. She pulled out all the songs that I expected to hear and her voice is still amazing. (Her hubby, Neil Giraldo, is totally white-haired now, but still kind of hot.) Her "dancing" hasn't changed or improved at all, but singers who can actually sing don't have to dance like trained monkeys. (This rule completely excuses Michael Johns' dazzling array of hilarious white man moves.)

One song that was unsurprisingly absent from Pat's setlist was "Little Too Late," a favorite of mine from 1982's Get Nervous. I remember seeing this video and wanting her outfit soooo badly. Well, I had a hot pink shirt (who didn't?) but my Dad wasn't about to buy a 9 year-old an expensive leather jacket, tiny miniskirt and pink high heels.

Some years later, I impulsively bought a pair of hot pink 3-inch heels. I put them on once and nearly died on the short trip from my closet to my bedroom door. Just one more waste of money in this girl's life.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

American Idol 7 Results: 4/16/08

Tonight marked the second half of the 120-minute long commercial for Mariah Carey's new album, and the celebration kicked off with a high-octane group sing of..."One Sweet Day?" Sweet merciful crap, that was bad. It was like watching paint dry, nearly falling into a coma from the fumes, and having some of the paint drip into my ears where the chemicals promptly corroded my tympanic membrane. You know how that feels, right?

Paula tried to make Brooke feel better for missing her sister's wedding by dressing up like a table centerpiece. She's so sweet.

Ryan enjoyed his game of Red Rover with Melinda Doolittle so much last year, that he decided to announce tonight's results in the exact same way. Castro went to the left. David Cook went to the right. Carly went to the left. Kristy Lee went to the right. Carly and KLC both took shots at Simon - the former whined that he's been too hard on her while the latter put her thoughts more poetically by simply calling him "a butt."

Fauxhawky McGee took a break from all the resultin' to introduce the latest Ford commercial. Can someone please tell me what the hell Queen ever did to this show? Did Freddie Mercury rebuff Nigel Lythgoe's advances once upon a time? It seems that AI won't stop until every Queen song is destroyed, and I guess they experienced some setbacks when my beloved Michael Johns expertly covered both "Bohemian Rhapsody" and "We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions." On the hit list this week was one of my faves, "I Want To Break Free," which served as the soundtrack to the ridiculous car ad that featured the Idols as - get this - puppets. Well, who said there's no truth in advertising?

With every passing moment of this show, I became more and more happy that Michael broke free of this mess.

Elliott Yamin stopped by to sing a new song. It was pretty good. I always thought he had a good voice and seemed like a nice guy, but he was just kind of boring when he was on AI. He had a message written on his palm, but it was much more meaningful than David Cook's scribbling last week. It said "We miss you Mom" - a tribute to Elliott's mother who passed away recently.

Ryan followed that poignant moment by continuing the long, drawn-out process of separating the bad eggs from the good ones. Syesha was sent to the group on the left, and Brooke (wearing another of Kristy's sparkly tops) headed to the right.

David Archuleta just stood backstage and pretended like he didn't know what was going to happen next. And, just who did Little Lord Archuleroy think he was wearing that red leather jacket and distressed, printed tee? Who let him raid Michael's wardrobe? Did he have exact duplicates made of some Michael pieces, or did he spend the million dollars to have those big, brawny, rugged man clothes altered to fit his puny pubescent frame?

After yet another commercial, the groups were split up just long enough to do another painful call-in viewer Q&A session. Some of the important revelations:

  • Kristy Lee can't get her horse back. Sad.
  • There is such a thing as a National Record Store Day. No matter that there really are no record stores left.
  • Paula is not forever Simon's girl, nor is Simon "straight up" for Paula.
  • Simon clearly hates these Q&A segments. Mostly because 80% of the general public are idiots.
  • David Cook is single. Let the Red/Falwless catfight begin!
Mariah Carey returned to the AI stage with more R&Bland, while showing off another of her dresses from the ForPlay catalog. She just toyed with me the whole time, singing "bye bye" over and over but never actually leaving the stage. One of the very ambitious backup singers had her mic turned up really loudly, so the final screaming parts of the song turned into a vocal bitch-fight between her and Mariah.

After Mariah said "bye bye" for real, it was back to the results. Little David was the last boy standing. In accordance with the prophecy, Archuleta was safe.

Ryan amused himself by making Syesha and David Cook switch groups, as if to say, "Whoooo! You thought you knew what was going down, America! Now what?"

Group A was Syesha, Kristy Lee and Brooke. Group B was David C, Carly and Jason. Ryan asked David A to pick which side he thought was safe and he sat down in the middle of the stage. It was déjà vu all over again.

It came as no surprise that Group A was the Bottom 3. It was slightly surprising that Syesha was saved first, leaving Brooke and KLC on the chopping block. Babbling Brooke lived up to her name as the flood gates opened and all of her jibber-jabber started pouring out of her head. When Ryan asked Simon who he thought would go home, he answered "Kristy," to which Brooke sulkily responded, "Hey! She's my friend!" Simon's response? "Well, swap places." That sure turned Babbling Brooke into Lake Placid.

Turned out, old Si was right. Despite the valiant attempts of Vote For the Worst, rednecks, and Mr. Ed, Kristy Lee Cook was given the boot. During her final song, she made one last pass at Simon, got the eye roll, then bucked the trend of contestants singing better on their elimination night by sucking something fierce.

Something tells me that KLC won't experience quite the same media blitz that Michael Johns has been on since his ouster. Prediction: We'll see her again on the news when she tries to steal her old horse from the mean guy who refused to sell it back.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

American Idol 7: Michael Johns Will Always Be My Baby

Tonight, I had the choice between watching Mariah Carey's turn as mentor on AI or her star turn in Glitter. Sadly, Netflix had no copies of Glitter left. Apparently, they just can't keep it in stock. I'm considering just going out for a walk, but I think I'm too depressed about the whole Glitter thing. So, it looks like you lucky kids get another recap.

My depression soon turns to rage when Fauxhawky McGee does exactly what I predicted he would. He sashays out to the edge of the stage to remind everyone about Michael Johns' shocking elimination last week and reminds everyone how important it is to always vote. It is important. Very. Because the producers get their jollies by rolling around on their giant beds of money while imagining millions of people wasting two hours of their poor, pathetic lives voting on a contest that has already been decided. Please, don't deny these rich bastards that joy. Rock the vote!

My rage turns to disdain when Ryan talks to Randy about the obvious hypocrisy of having a Mariah Carey theme, considering that the judges always harp on the fact that no one should ever bother trying to cover such a diva. Ryan asks Randy how he can even judge this night and Randy also does exactly what I predicted. He says that they just do it by being fair and judging the performances on their own instead of comparing them to the originals. Wow, what a novel idea. I wish he'd thought of that, oh, like seven years ago.

Yo, yo, yo I can't wait to hear lots of false tonight, man! May the best dog whistler win.

Up first is Little Lord Archuleroy, who goes all Garth Algar on Mariah by proclaiming that he's not worthy. Mariah just stands there in profile and tilts her face to the right, like she always does. (Is she a paper doll? I don't think I've ever seen her from the front.) David must have taken Simon's comments from Top 10 week to heart. Remember how Cowell said he should have been performing with animated, dancing creatures? Well, tonight he gets a little closer to that goal by singing "When You Believe," from Dreamworks' The Prince of Egypt. Moses would be very upset with the judges right now because they are all blatantly disobeying the First Commandment, "Thou shalt not have any other gods before me." They all praise our Little Lord A like he is some kind of golden calf after he bleats his way through yet another "inspirational" piece of dreck. Can they just put King David on his throne already and save all the other contestants the trouble of going through the motions every week?

Carly Smithson pretends to meet Mariah for the first time and then pulls out her cover of the cover of "Without You." I try to drown out her screaming by lighting several candles and singing my own version to the Michael Johns shrine that I assembled during the last commercial break. Randy likes that Carly is challenging herself and, remembering what he said earlier in the show, is forced to swallow the "I know Mariah Carey and you are no Mariah Carey" critique that he has on permanent standby. I can't live if living means paying attention to Paula, so I have no idea what she is saying. Simon doesn't think that Carly rose to the challenge tonight. Oh, Ireland and England...will you ever get along??

The ubiquitous Beyonce is on hand to sing "Vanishing." Wow, girl cut her hair short! Shouldn't she be on her honeymoon? Hold it! Oh, snap. That's not Beyonce, it's just Syesha Mercado wearing an original design by King Midas. Unsurprisingly, she starts off well, but then a shriek-fest breaks out somewhere in the middle of the song. To save time, I will henceforth refer to this act as "pulling a Syesha." Randy and Paula seem to dig the performance, and Simon does too, but says that not many people know the song, which could be a problem. This saddens me because I totally know this song, and I'm reminded that I actually owned two Mariah Carey records once upon a time. Thanks, Simon, for bringing up that painful memory.

Babbling Brooke must have discovered that the secret to staying on the show lies in Kristy Lee's sequins. The loud, shimmery top that she stole from KLC's closet contradicts her quiet, pared-down, piano-only arrangement of "Hero." She sounds all right, but I have to admit that I'm not completely paying attention. The Dawg likes everything but the bridge, Paula thinks Brooke is very "authentic," and Simon says something about meat and buns. Ryan makes a comment to Simon about special sauce. Amazingly, no one takes this opportunity to jam in a quick advertisement for McDonald's, which proudly serves Coca-Cola products.

Since her supply of sequined tank tops finally ran out and Mama Brooke took her last sparkly dress, Kristy Lee Cook brings lots o' lamé to the stage to sing "Forever." I probably could've left out the accent over that e and the previous sentence would still be a true statement. Nah, actually, KLC isn't too bad tonight. She does well with limited vocal skill, while supposed powerhouses Carly and Syesha always manage to overshoot the mark, landing with a painful thud in my eardrum. That makes Kristy less offensive in my book. Simon's is the only critique I hear, and he basically agrees with me.

I was fully expecting David Cook to cover Mariah's horrific cover of Def Leppard's "Bringin' on the Heartbreak," but in the Def Leppard way. Wow, that was confusing. Um, anyway, he surprises me by choosing "Always Be My Baby," which is also a perfect song for me to sing to my Michael wall. Since I don't know any of the words except the title, my version is exceptionally dirty. David's version is very "David," which is starting to get a bit old, but he has such a good voice and this is so much better than last week that I quite enjoy it. And, thank God, he's not sporting any stupid messages on his palm. (What would it say - "Watch Glitter?") Randy stands up and makes a big deal about how he is standing up. Whoo! Brilliant! Paula thinks the song should be on a movie soundtrack and adds, "Maybe it will." (Does she know something we don't know? Is there a Glitter II in the works??) Simon calls David a breath of fresh air and thanks him for rescuing us all from "karaoke hell." Oh, Simon. You make it so hard for me to be faithful to my darling, absent Michael when you talk like that.

Mercifully putting an end to Mariah night is Jason Castro with his take on "I Don't Wanna Cry." He does a mellow, bongo-fueled arrangement that makes the original sappy song barely recognizable. I love that! I love bongos! I love Jason's cutie-pie Danny Zuko face! He wins! No dog whistle notes required. Paula and Simon enjoy it too, but Randy compares the song to something he'd expect to hear at a "weird beach luau." Someone needs to bury The Dawg in the sand and forget where they left him. Of course, he'd be saved when all of his ridiculous bling sets off some hobo's metal detector.

Well, I made it through my first night of AI without Michael Johns and I didn't shoot out the TV. I also made it through my first night of AI with Mariah Carey and I didn't pluck out my eyes or jam a pencil through my ears. I'm very proud of myself.

So, are we to the point in the season where they only start picking a Bottom 2 or are we still doing a Bottom 3? Does it matter? My predictions have been sucking this year. I'll give it a shot anyway. Despite the fact that he was in the death (first) spot, Archuleta is safe. David Cook is safe and Kristy Lee Cook still has some sparkle left. Carly and Syesha will definitely be in the Bottom 3, and Brooke will probably be the one to join them. She'll also be the first to get sent back to the couches, but not before subjecting us all to her sad puppy dog faces and incessant yapping. Somehow, Syesha's seven fans (all FremantleMedia execs, oddly enough) will generate just enough "votes" to keep her alive, leaving Carly to get dropped like a hot potato.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Eight Words I Never Thought I'd Utter

I am so freaking jealous of Gene Simmons.

But wow, could Michael look more frightened? Maybe he didn't get the memo that Gene isn't really a Knight in service of Satan.

*Edit: For all of you who have complained that you don't like Michael's vest, I will take it upon myself to remove it personally, okay?

Saturday, April 12, 2008

I'm a Heartbreaker, Blog Maker, Barn Raiser, Dontcha Mess Around with Me

I'm heading to Harrisburg for the weekend. Exciting, right?? Yeah, they know how to party in central PA. I'm hoping to make a drunken pit stop in Amish country tonight and wake up on Sunday in a butter churner. And maybe I'll hook up with some dude whose name ends in "iah." (By "hook up," of course I mean "stand close enough to each other that our shoulders touch." Hot!)

I'm also going to see Pat Benatar with my best pal. Go ahead, make fun. We're going to dress like '80s private dancers and do that "Love is a Battlefield" dance all the way down the street to the venue. It'll be awesome.

Speaking of awesome, since I won't be around this weekend, go check out The Provocation Grounds, a new blog started by Doorknob Dan and The Guv'ner. I've been asked to be part of the team over there, but they may vote me off soon. Apparently, I didn't get the memo that it was to be a "mean" blog, so I've just been posting awesome Photoshoppy stuff like this and this. Dan has already taken it upon himself to bastardize the latter. He's very jealous of Michael Johns. It's sad, really.

All right kids, have a good weekend!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Crazy = Famous!

I'm on my way. Upon checking my StatCounter keyword analysis today, I found this search term:

"michael johns obsession popeye"

You know me! You really know me!!*

*It remains to be seen if you like me, if you really like me.

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week (and No, I Haven't Forgotten That American Idol is a Sham)

This week's video is for a song that just popped into my head after the travesty of last night's AI results. I can't believe that it's been 16 years since this song came out, but I can't believe a lot of things these days. Have another taste of the grunge-lite stylings of Ugly Kid Joe with their summer of '92 hit, "Everything About You" from America's Least Wanted.

You may wonder who, exactly, is the target of my unadulterated hatred right now. Nigel Lythgoe? Ryan Seacrest? The tweentards of America? Nah. They're not worth my time. After unsuccessfully attempting to buy Pearl Jam tickets online today (oh, my browser just happened to lock up at the crucial moment) I've decided that there are more powerful forces working against me these days. Who do I blame?

Well, I've thought long and hard about this and I've decided that my God would not allow these awful recent events to transpire. So it must be someone else's God. Yeah, this all just screams Ra the Sun God. I've never trusted that guy. I don't like the looks of him. Those beady little bird eyes, that faux wrap skirt...he's a hot feathered tranny mess. Screw you, Ra. Go take a long walk like an Egyptian off a short pier.

And no, I'm not worried about pissing Ra off. I mean, what's he gonna do to make things worse? Make it rain every weekend? Oh wait, it does that already.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

American Idol Results: 4/10/08

Go ahead. Extend that middle finger.
Don't hide it, honey. They deserve it.

American Idol is all wrong and, no, it's not all right.

Dad, if you still read my blog, please shield your eyes.


Michael Johns is out.

I always knew that voting was pointless. Yet, I voted for Michael this week. Apparently, no one else did. Or at least that's what AI wants us to believe. I don't want to be one of those people who immediately calls foul when she doesn't get her way, but this is the most unbelievable results night I've ever seen in the history of this show. And it's not just because of my personal, all-consuming obsession with Michael.

If you read the blogs, Michael has a huge fan base. People are sick of Carly. No one really likes Syesha. Most folks think Kristy Lee Cook is a joke. And there they sit on the comfy couches while Michael sings one last time. Well, one last time on this sorry excuse for a show. He'll go on to bigger and better things, I have no doubt. BUT WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT FOR THE NEXT SEVEN EXCRUCIATING WEEKS???

Michael can't do a damn thing until this show wraps up because, Heaven forbid he have any success on his own that might take any focus away from the AI monkey circus.

Well, readers, those of you who don't like AI and, therefore, don't read my recaps are in for a treat. Because I will either:
A. Stop watching and recapping altogether
B. Continue watching and write shorter, nastier recaps
C. Continue watching and write recaps worthy of '80s-era Andrew Dice Clay

I haven't decided which option to go with yet. I'm too annoyed right now. I can't even fully enjoy the season premiere of The Office because I'm ready to put my foot through the TV screen.

He'll be back...

And he'll sell more records than whoever wins this farce.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Idol Gives Back 2008

As with last year, American Idol's charity show was a bit all over the place, with a whole lot of sad stories, even more bum jokes, a few musical performances and a bunch of filler. To help make some sense of it all, I will do what I did last year and split the show up into my own segments, rather than try to follow the mess chronologically.

The Host/Judges
Ryan Seacrest was his usual capable self, even though his attempts at dancing early on were pretty laughable. I actually laughed with him though, and not at him.

The judges brought their Sunday best out four nights early. Randy Jackson bought something from the Deion Sanders collection especially for the occasion, Paula Abdul actually looked lovely in a red dress that didn't push her boobs up to her chin, and Simon Cowell wore the same thing he did last year. But aside from his weird gym teacher hair, he looked rather dapper.

The Causes
Maria Shriver brought several community volunteers onstage to thank them for all their hard work.

Many videos were shown throughout the evening of impoverished communities and villages in both Africa and the United States.

Randy and Paula visited an inner-city neighborhood in California, while Simon went to New York to speak with families living without health insurance. Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus headed to a poor Kentucky town, and New Orleans was visited by the doofy Manning brothers, Reese Witherspoon and Brad Pitt. Pitt's organization, Make It Right, is building affordable homes for Hurricane Katrina victims that are certainly much nicer than my place.

Bono, Annie Lennox, Celine Dion, Forest Whitaker, Alicia Keys and Daughtry all made trips to different parts of Africa to talk to children and families who have been affected by HIV/AIDS, malaria, and other illnesses that can't be treated because they can't afford medical equipment and supplies.

The Celebrities
Adam Sandler, David & Victoria Beckham, Whoopi Goldberg, Ellen DeGeneres, Tyra Banks, Sarah Silverman, Dane Cook and David Spade were just some of the stars who made cameos. Thank the sweet Lord, there was no ridiculous celeb-filled Ford commercial tonight. Remember this horror flick from last year??

Ben Stiller's brief appearance this year was funnier than his strained schtick from last time. I actually did enjoy his bit at the end, when he showed up to an empty theater and started tossing the F-bomb around (bleeped, of course).

Mary Murphy, if she can be considered a celebrity now, threatened to do her patented annoying shriek until enough money was raised. Oh, silly Mary. Haven't you ever heard of a mute button? You are the reason the remote control gods created it.

Billy Crystal and Miley Cyrus had a pointless conversation, which basically consisted of Miley patting herself on the back for being a tweentard sensation. I kept wishing that Jack Palance was still alive. He would've given Miley a good ol' roundhouse kick to her giant gob.

Jimmy Kimmel was funny for a change during his mini-roast of Simon. I loved that Jimmy payed homage to Si's gigantic nipples. I feel so much better now knowing that I'm not the only one who froze like a deer when faced with his headlights.

British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, showed up in a taped segment. I don't think I've ever seen anyone more British. He was all like, "Well, hello there. Let's end malaria then, shall we? That would be jolly good!"

Robin Williams came up with some lame skit about being the Russian Idol, Ivan Yakinoff or Popinoff or, as I like to call him, "Someone Please Kick This Guy in the Nards." As usual, Robin's schtick lasted way too long and amused no one. I was a little jealous of him though, because he managed to cop a feel of Simon's behind. He's lucky that he didn't try that with Michael Johns.

Was that Simon's grandfather who came out to talk about Make It Right?, that was just Brad Pitt. He still looks good but, where is he shopping now? Cabbies-R-Us?

The Performances

Snoop Dogg hit the stage with Charlie Wilson and a bunch of kids from his youth football league to do "Can't Say Goodbye." I was just tickled to see Snoop on the AI stage, wearing his Pittsburgh Pirates hat, no less.

I'm sure no one will ever know the reasons why Teri Hatcher sang tonight. Or why, when Carrie Underwood was right there, did she decide to sing "Before He Cheats." Or why she was joined onstage by the sexy plumber dude from Desperate Housewives and Bachelor Bob Guiney. Or how, against all odds, she actually sounded better than Kristy Lee Cook.

Oddly enough, the next performer, Miley Cyrus, was not better than KLC. And why should she be? She's only had two #1 albums and the #1 movie in the country. She doesn't have to even try anymore, right? Can someone please tell me why Miley got to perform twice? Wasn't anyone else disturbed by the sight of all the 8 year-olds in the audience screaming their approval during her 2nd performance and committing all of her slutty moves to memory? She's FIFTEEN! Where the hell is her hick father and why is he letting this go on? Sure, she's nowhere near the realm of Britney or Xtina, but give her time.

Someone invited Fergie again this year, much to my chagrin. Her first performance with John Legend wasn't too bad, even if she sounded like she was singing a song from Enchanted. But then...she screwed it all up by ruining a perfectly good Heart performance. As I was sitting there bitching to my roommate about the shoddy treatment that Ann Wilson has gotten ever since she gained weight in the '80s, the point that "fat girls don't put asses in the seats" was driven home by Fergie returning to the stage and dry humping it up and down while trying to keep up with Ann's vocals on "Barracuda." I will admit that she managed to sound better than I expected, but what in the name of all that is holy was this??? And why, oh why, did this have to happen after I already had my caption contest?

Annie Lennox was on hand to take that Fergilicious taste out of everyone's mouth. She performed "Many Rivers to Cross" with her usual brilliance.

Carrie Underwood covered George Michael's oft-forgotten "Praying For Time" well enough but I wondered why the Idol producers didn't call on old George himself? Isn't he in the midst of another comeback right now?

No, Gloria Estefan, I will not get on my feet. Let's just say I'm not a fan of all those cheesy cabana songs. It was good to see Sheila E on drums, though!

When I saw that it was just about 10:00, I figured that the Mariah Carey performance would be cut. No such luck. She performed "Fly Like a Bird" with her close personal friend Randy Jackson on bass. I didn't enjoy the song, nor did I enjoy her constant fluttering hand. My roommate's dog didn't enjoy those high notes at the end either, judging from the way he was writhing around in pain.

The Idols
The night kicked off with the Top 8 singing Rihanna's "Don't Stop the Music." I was afraid for Michael at first but, thankfully, TPTB had the contestants from So You Think You Can Dance do all the fancy footwork. My sweet thing only had to stand there in his red leather jacket, shaking his behind back and forth hypnotically. Unfortunately, the camera work was sub-par. (Translation: Not enough butt shots.)

The Top 12 contestants were set up with desks onstage at the Idol studios, supposedly taking donation calls. I say supposedly because I don't fully believe that they were really talking to people. And I'm just trying to make myself feel better for not getting to talk to Michael. I did donate, but I did it online, so I didn't even try to call him. I most likely wouldn't have gotten him, but if I had, I'm sure I would've made a HUGE ass out of myself. But, who is this "Beth from Cleveland" he was supposedly talking to? Cleveland?? Doesn't Michael know that Pittsburgh and Cleveland are mortal enemies?? Doesn't he know that I hate the name Beth, because it's what people who forget my name always call me?? (Sorry, Beth. I still love you.) I can only hope that he took her credit card number and then hung up on her.

The Top 8 finally left phone duty to the underpaid operators and returned to the stage to perform "Seasons of Love" from Rent. It was pleasant enough, but didn't really seem to go anywhere. I did notice that for the first minute, it seemed like the only mic working was Kristy's. Then she got the first big solo part. And then the camera just kept kind of lingering on her. What the heck??

The Idols donned their white angel outfits to close things down with a plodding version of "Shout to the Lord," which probably didn't please all of the non Judeo-Christian donors out there. But I guess it was preferable to "Shout at the Devil." There was another nice, lingering shot of Kristy Lee in her flowing white dress. Why was she being pimped so hard? Is she related to the cameraman?

Best Moment
Other than any time that Michael was on-screen (especially when he was wearing those white pants), I don't know that there really was a "best moment." I did get a chuckle out of the sound woman, who came out to fix Brad Pitt's lapel mic when it fell off. She strutted out, smirked at the audience and said, "I just needed a reason to touch him." It's always a wonderful day in the neighborhood when a regular Jane upstages a big star.

Tomorrow night - no more being nice! Someone's heading home.


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine