Friday, July 31, 2009

Love Is A Mix Tape In An Open Car*

I finally got around to reading Rob Sheffield's amazing book, Love Is A Mix Tape, and I can't recommend it enough. It made me laugh, cry, nod, think, and, of course, sing. I was happy to be reminded of songs I've always loved and some I'd forgotten, and even happier to have a list of songs I don't know that I absolutely must look up soon.

The book has also prompted me to dig out my old cassettes (some store-bought, but mostly my own homemade mixes) and unearth one old blog post. Yes, I'm posting a rerun today, but since it was written way back when The Pop Eye was just a five-month-old baby, it's going to be new to most of you. So, click on the mix tape to rewind to 2005!

*For some reason, since I bought the book, I've been singing this bastardized version of The Eurythmics' "Love is a Stranger" - Love is a mix tape in an open car/So pop it in and sing your cares away. So it warmed my heart to find many points in the book where Rob talks about how he and his wife used to like making up their own lyrics to songs. There's a little Weird Al in all of us, I suppose.

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

This week's vid was intended to go out to my sister, Tootsie, who requested that classic, sappy love ballad, "When I'm With You" (also known as the "bay-baaaaaaay-eee-ay" song). However, since there is no official video for the song, I've been forced to pick something else. Although "forced" is a strong word, considering I like the alternate choice better.

When I think of Sheriff (which isn't very often), I immediately think of Alias, the follow-up band formed in 1990 by Sheriff's Freddy Curci (vocals) and Steve DeMarchi (guitar) and the three dudes from Heart's original lineup. Most people remember Alias for yet another sappy love ballad, "More Than Words Can Say" (also known as the "6:00 in the morning" song), but I bought their cassette after hearing the first single, "Haunted Heart."

I clearly remembered playing the shit out of that tape, but couldn't recall more than three songs from it - the two aforementioned singles, and the third single, "Waiting for Love." However, when I looked up the track listing online, it all came back to me and I couldn't help but giggle, suddenly remembering rocking out and singing deep cuts like "After All the Love Is Gone" and "One More Chance" into my hairbrush, as they were slightly "girlier" songs that fit well into the setlists of my frequent bedroom concerts. (And I was 17 at this time, not 7. I don't know if this makes me awesome or a total dork.)

Apparently, Alias recorded a second album in 1992, which was never released since "grunge" had rendered hair metal irrelevant. But since everything old is new again and washed-up '80s and early '90s bands are cashing in with reunion tours and such, Alias finally released the record in March of this year. I've found a few of the songs on YouTube, and I'm not that impressed.

But how's this for impressive? According to Wikipedia, "[Freddy] Curci has a multi-octave vocal range and holds the Guinness World Record for longest note held in a pop song, for 30 seconds, timed and submitted by University of Houston, for the ending note of [Sheriff's] 'When I'm With You.'" That's pretty cool - if it's true. I can't seem to find proof of this on the Guinness Book website, so it may be bullshit. Maybe someone from Guinness was getting drunk in a bar one night while this song was playing on the jukebox, and when it ended he overheard someone saying, "Oh my God you guys, that is totally like the longest note EVAH. Fer sure!"

I think I probably just made the Guinness book for longest blog post about Alias.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

A Post of Apatowian Proportions

Hello, freaks and geeks! Looking for me? Well, I'm over at Starpulse today with a brief retrospective of Judd Apatow's career. Go, read, worship, comment.

The piece was written as a tie-in with Judd's new movie, Funny People, which hits theaters tomorrow. Anyone excited to see it, or do you think it looks like too much of a downer? Most of the reviews I've read so far have been of the "it's funny but it's about 30 minutes too long" variety. (That's how I felt about Knocked Up, too. He definitely should've cut out more of Katherine Heigl's shrill bitching.) I guess the biggest news about the movie is that it features the new and improved Seth Rogen SlimLine model. But is it really an improvement? I don't know...he just looks weird to me. Nerdier and a little sickly. But whatever. I just hope Jason Segel doesn't jump on the weight loss bandwagon. I dig him with some jiggle.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following items are curiously fascinating:

From Kelly to Ryan: It's Too Late to Apologize - Kelly Clarkson has some anger behind those hazel eyes. THE American Idol recently criticized songwriter/producer/OneRepublic frontman Ryan Tedder for giving her essentially the same backing track that he gave Beyoncé, resulting in their respective sound-alike singles, "Already Gone" and "Halo." Since "Halo" was released first, Kelly was miffed and tried to stop her record label from subsequently releasing "Already Gone," worried that people would just accuse her of ripping off Beyoncé. However, the single was released, Kelly is jacked, and Tedder is firing back, calling Kelly's claim "hurtful and absurd." Tedder is now "challenging" everyone to listen to Kelly's song and Beyonce´s song back to back and make up their own minds. Always up for a challenge, I have heard them both. And now I challenge anyone with ears to deny that THEY ARE THE SAME DAMN SONG. Maybe this will help.

Couples Be Splittin'! - Like celebrity deaths, celebrity break-ups often happen in threes. The most recent trio of splits are Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo, Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush, and Leann Rimes and the dude she's married to who isn't Eddie Cibrian. I would like to ask that you all respect the dumpees' privacy during this difficult time. Mostly because they're all boring and their privacy isn't worth invading.

Cindy Lou Who Is Edgier Than You - Gossip Girl's Taylor Momsen has officially gone from under my radar to on my nerves. I'd always considered her a non-entity until the above linked interview made its way into my eyeball, cutting through my cornea like a piece of her overly gelled, jagged hair. At the ripe old age of 16, totally mature Taylor has already had "lots of relationships" (read: drunken sex) and says that she needs an older man because she would "eat a boy [her age] alive." She's also way too self-aware to be bothered with college (having finished H.S. early), yet is still blissfully unaware that the slash (as in actress-slash-rocker chick) schtick is a cliché that rarely works. As for the oh-so-edgy haircut, Momsen explains, "I pulled up a bunch of photos of Joan Jett and said, ‘Do that to my hair.’ I decided to start being myself." I guess in her rush to finish high school, she skipped over that whole section on irony in English class.

King of All Twits Refuses to Twitter - Today must be the slowest news day ever, because all Page Six can come up with is how Kid Rock hates Twitter. In fact, he thinks it's GAY. Not "gay" as in "happy" or "fabulous" or "enjoying relations with the same sex," but "gay" in the way 13-year-old boys and rednecks mean it. (You know, now that I know Kid is so against Twitter, I might be forced to reassess my own negative stance on it. Because anywhere this assbag doesn't want to be can't be all bad. Plus, I do so love gay things.) Greaseball Jones goes on to say, "If one more person asks me if I have a Twitter, I'm going to tell them, 'Twitter this [bleep], mother[bleep]er." Seriously, how many [bleep]ing people ask him if he's on Twitter? I could see people asking him if he has any drugs on him, or how the hell he manages to bag hot chicks, or if he's ever owned a bar of soap, but I honestly can't imagine that very many people have stopped to chat with him about his Twitter activity or lack thereof. He further opines, "I don't have anything to say, and what I have to say is not that relevant. Anything that is relevant, I'm going to bottle it up and then squeeze it onto a record somewhere." So, he's going to make records that are relevant? What a [bleep]ing novel idea! But I don't know why he'd want to start now.

If A Celebutard Falls in the Forest and No One Writes About It, Does She Still Exist? - The answer to this philosophical question will be answered on August 4, which will be a Megan Fox-free day on several dude-centric websites. Apparently, even the biggest walking penises have gotten tired of her constant stream of egotistical and uninformed bullshit, and so have set aside one day to ignore her completely. I ignore her pretty much every day, but I'm sure it's just because I'm jealous. There couldn't possibly be another reason, like that she's a horrible "actress" or that she has a miserable attitude, or that she has less expressions than a blow-up doll. No. I'm just a jellus h8r.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Some Days I Hate Being an Entertainment Blogger (or LEAVE JOHN ALONE!)

It's recently been reported that my beloved John Travolta has lost his faith in Scientology since the death of his son, Jett, and is considering leaving the sect. It's also been reported that he may not leave for fear of what embarrassing details the "church" may reveal about him, primarily that he's a friend of Adam Lambert, if you catch my drift - something the gossip rags have been trying to prove for decades.

I really don't want to do a gigantic spiel on this until there is some confirmation one way or the other on John's relationship with Scientology. Partly because the above linked article is from the UK's Daily Mail, which I hear is only slightly more reliable than our Enquirer, but mainly because I adore the guy and feel horribly about the grief and pain he is feeling over Jett's death. There are a lot of nasty people out there who are so out to get Scientology that they forget that this a man who is dealing with a tragic loss, making accusations, cracking heartless, vile jokes, and forming crazy theories, all while assuming that they know better what went on in the Travolta household than the Travoltas do.

I'm pretty tolerant when it comes to letting people believe what they want to believe, but Scientology is whack. I'm not saying that Jett died because of Scientology, because I don't know and neither do any of you. But I hope that John is taking the blinders off of his faith and looking at it with fresh eyes. I know it helped him at a time when he really needed it (after the death of his first love, Diana Hyland), but I hope he realizes that it may have hurt him when he needed it most. Some of L. Ron's most basic ideas kind of make sense but...well, even Paula Abdul can string a few coherent sentences together every now and then. That doesn't mean we should let her run our lives.

As far as the gay rumors go, I don't really believe that John is gay. Just because he's a handsome guy who can dance doesn't automatically make him gay. But more importantly, if he is gay, I REALLY DON'T CARE. Neither do most of his fans. If he's gay or bi or just a straight dude who likes to wrestle with cute boys every now and then, he should just come out with it. He needs to read Glambert's Rolling Stone article, tell the "church" to eff off, and come out. Those of us who love him will still love him. And those of us* who have a thing for gay dudes might end up loving him more (if that were even possible).

*Me. Duh.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

A Guide to Understanding Kristen Stewart

Lately, I've heard a lot of people* talking about how difficult it is to read Kristen Stewart. You see, there is a common misconception that she is only capable of one facial expression. Well, I'm here to tell you that this is absolutely untrue. I think it's sad that this dynamic and exciting young actress is so misunderstood, therefore, I would like to provide you all with a handy visual guide of Ms. Stewart's emotions. Feel free to print this out and carry it with you, so that you may refer to it when needed.












I hope this helps.

*Of course, it's possible that I'm just remembering a conversation I had with myself.

**For those of you who don't think "blonde" is an emotion, well, you clearly know nothing about celebrities.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

This week's vid was prompted by a recent, unexpected, and surprisingly lengthy discussion that I had with a friend about Cher. While we were boozily cackling over the awesome cheese that makes up her catalog, I waxed poetic about my favorite song of hers, "We All Sleep Alone," which I still love in a completely non-ironic way. (After all, it was written by Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora, and I still love their silly little group.)

The video is another story. There is no other way to appreciate it BUT on an ironic level. It's definitely somewhere in the Top 20 list of "Most '80s Things" ever created. Cher strutting down the street with those dancers at the end? Perfection. I'm not sure if it's quite as ridonk as Pat Benatar and her troupe of runaway bar sluts from the "Love is a Battlefield" vid, but it's pretty close. I would love to see a battle between those two groups.

And then there's the Bagel Boy. Oh, Bagel Boy. How I miss thee.

By the way, this must be a very valuable video, as I wasn't able to find an embeddable version anywhere. I was almost going to settle for a version I found on some sketchy site from Taiwan or some shit, but I was afraid my blog might get malaria. Luckily, I kept searching and finally found it on AOL. But you know what you won't find on AOHeLL? Anyone under 50! (Sorry, I'm a little miffed at them for not responding to my freelance music writer application. Oh well. Consider that bridge burned.)

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Descanse en paz, perra.

I'm sure that we've all been holding our breath to see who the third in the latest string of celebrity deaths would be, but I doubt this is what anyone was expecting. Gidget, better known as the Taco Bell chihuahua, has passed away at the ripe old age of 15 (that's 105 to you and me). Let's all drop our chalupas and have a moment of silence.

Gidget's the second legendary small screen lady with a big man's voice to leave us this year - the first, of course, being Bea Arthur. I guess someone should probably keep an eye on Della Reese and Martha Stewart.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following items are curiously fascinating:

Paula Abdul Can't Face the Harsh Reality of a Post-Glambert Idol? - So, I've already been chided by two commenters for not blogging about P-Ab's supposed imminent departure from American Idol. Well, I haven't bothered because I think it's a non-story. I mean, how many times have we heard that Simon Cowell isn't returning? These judges are full of it. This is all a big ruse to get the public to keep talking about AI in the off-season, especially since they're all afraid that there may be no life after Adam Lambert (a fate that a brilliant writer recently predicted). And really, what does Drunky think she's going to do if she jumps off the gravy train? Go back to making records that will go negative double platinum? Play with her Bratz dolls all day? Teach a community college course on how to beat a breathalyzer test? Please. She's not going anywhere. But in the off chance that she does, I'd like to offer myself up for the job. I hear that Paula's been offered $10 million to stay but she wants $20 million. I'll do it for $50,000 and a chance to punch Kara dead in the face.

Adam Yauch Has Cancer - The Beastie Boys' MCA just announced that he has salivary gland cancer, which has forced the group to postpone the release of their latest record and supporting tour dates. According to Yauch in a video posted to the Beastie Boys website, the cancer hasn't spread and it is considered highly treatable. So, after some radiation therapy, he should be back to sippin' def ale with all the fly women soon enough.

Gwyneth vs. Scarlett - Rumor has it that the stick up Gwyneth Paltrow's ass has wedged in a little bit further, ever since she was left out of recent promo pictures for Iron Man 2, which feature new co-star, Scarlett Johansson. Paltrow's rep says that there is no truth to the claim, which means that it's probably completely true. I don't particularly like either one of them, but since I thought Scarlett was quite good in A Love Song for Bobby Long (as something other than a sex bomb, for once) and thought Gwyneth's best work was as a head in a box in Se7en, I suppose I'm slightly more in Camp Johansson on this one. But really, Iron Man is all about Robert Downey, Jr. so they should probably both shut up.

Ben Roethlisberger Suffers a Late Hit - A year after it supposedly happened, Andrea McNulty (a concierge at Harrah's in Reno, Nevada) has slapped Big Ben with a sexual assault charge in a lawsuit that also brings libel and slander charges against eight of McNulty's co-workers, who she claims didn't believe her and defamed her after the alleged rape. Obviously, I'm a Steelers fan, but I'm not going to automatically assume that Ben is innocent simply because of that - unlike some obvious Steeler haters who are leaving comments on every news story on the Internet about Ben's "obvious" guilt. Tools. However, I do think it's quite fishy that this woman waited a whole year to say anything, using the old "no one would believe me" excuse. Why would she have spoken to hotel employees about it instead of the police? Then there is the fact that she spent some time in a mental institution last September, which she now claims was a result of the alleged rape but which could have had something to do with the death of a long-distance love who didn't even exist. This only promises to get weirder and weirder.

Chris Brown Makes a Well-Scripted Apology - Proving that he can follow his publicist's advice and read cue cards very well, the singer axes for our forgiveness and talks about how ashamed he is, yadda yadda, all while dressed like the captain of the Starship Pimpslap.

Smells Like a Rickroll - I'm not a huge mashup lover, but I just saw this video today on Dlisted and laughed my ass off.

Of course, some of the tragically hip bloggers out there are already bitching about how this is "uninspired" and not funny - probably because they can't stomach anything that even appears to be poking fun at St. Kurt. And, fine, as just a song this probably wouldn't be that funny. But the video editing is a thing of beauty, especially when Rick is doing his dorky white boy dance to the guitar solo.

Anyway, amidst all the griping about which mashups are hip and which aren't, at least one of the cool kids I actually like (Idolator) introduced me to an older "Smells Like Teen Spirit" mashup that I hadn't seen before, this one expertly blended with one of my favorite songs of this decade, Destiny's Child's "Bootylicious."

Monday, July 20, 2009


"The Fixer," Pearl Jam's first single from their not-yet-released (come on, September!) album, Backspacer, is up on the Ten Club's MySpace page, streaming like a neverending buffet of manna from Heaven.

It is glorious.

It Might Be Easier at This Point to Just Tell You What Celebs Are Still Alive

We lost two well-known figures over the weekend - on Friday, veteran news anchor Walter Cronkite, and on Sunday, novelist Frank McCourt.

You'd think that the news talkers (as Charlie Kelly calls them) would spend a lot more time honoring the life of a brilliant writer or one of their own. But after the initial slew of nice write-ups and on-air tributes, they've all gone back to business as usual - obsessing over the minutiae of Michael Jackson's life and death. Was he murdered? Will Debbie Rowe get the kids? But Janet wants the kids! Why did Janet's boyfriend dump her in her time of need? Does Michael's mom hate Diana Ross? Well, she wasn't at the memorial! Who's gonna pay for that memorial? Is "Billie Jean" better than "Beat It?" Is Michael like buttah? Let's watch the lost Pepsi commercial footage again! In slow motion this time! Hey, is Tito still alive?

Friday, July 17, 2009

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

This week's vid comes from that piece of sexual chocolate otherwise known as LL Cool J.

"Around the Way Girl," the first single from 1990's Mama Said Knock You Out, has long been overlooked in favor of this album's title track, older stuff like "Going Back to Cali" and "I Need Love" (barf), and even newer tunes like "Doin' It." But it's still my favorite LL tune. I think it was the first rap song that I was ever able to rap along with, word for muthahumpin' word. And I think Cool James gave me my first case of jungle fever...unless I count Michael Jackson. But I won't, because I'm not sure that crush really applies.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Battle of the Netflix Stars #7

Bout #7: Battle of the Movies in Which Hugh Jackman Plays a Charming Bastard



Director:Marcel Langenegger
Woody Allen
Star Power:Hugh Jackman, Ewan McGregor, Michelle Williams
Hugh Jackman, Woody Allen, Scarlett Johansson, Ian MacShane
Plot:Shy accountant Jonathan McQuarry (McGregor) goes about his humdrum existence auditing big-money corporations until, one night, an impossibly suave lawyer named Wyatt Bose (Jackman) breezes into his boring little world and offers him a joint. The bromance begins, and Wyatt shows his new pal how to have a good time (e.g., booze, ladies) before abruptly heading to London for vague, business-y reasons. But wouldn't you know it, turns out that Wyatt and Jonathan had "accidentally" switched cell phones! Almost immediately, Jonathan starts receiving lusty phone calls that end in him having anonymous hotel sex with gorgeous women. (And even though Jonathan hasn't had any action in ages, he is still AWESOME in the sack.) Soon, Jonathan realizes that he's been cashing in on Wyatt's sex club membership, but wants to opt out when he falls in love with one of the women - the mysterious S (Williams). Then RIDONK things start to happen, and Jonathan realizes he's being played by his good buddy, Wyatt, if that's even his real name (it's not), forcing Jonathan to finally find his balls. Or something like that.
After British reporter Joe Strombel (McShane) dies, he meets a woman in the afterlife who gives him the ultimate scoop - that Peter Lyman (Jackman), the son of über-aristocrat Lord Lyman, poisoned her after she discovered that he was the infamous serial murderer, the "Tarot Card Killer." When American journalism student Sondra Pransky (Johansson) volunteers to assist Sid "The Great Splendini" Waterman (Allen) in his magic show, the ghost of Strombel appears to Sondra in the dematerialization box and urges her to follow up on the story. From there, the bumbling pair of Sondra and Sid team up (posing as father and daughter) to get the goods on Peter, with whom Sondra is immediately smitten, and vice-versa. Even though she finds herself falling in love with the dashing Englishman, Sondra can't completely ignore some of the strange clues that start piling up, while Sid is completely convinced that the man shagging his "daughter" is guilty.
Pros:Hugh Jackman (shirtless at some point, as he should be) and Ewan McGregor. TOGETHER. If these two did a movie where they just sat there and watched paint dry, I would enjoy it on some level.
Hugh Jackman (shirtless at some point, as he should be...and even in nothing but SWIM TRUNKS). Most of Woody Allen's dialogue is hilarious.
Cons:Pretty much everything else. The whole thing is just so damned ridiculous. Especially the idea that just slapping some glasses on Ewan McGregor and slicking his hair down would make him completely unattractive to women. Oh, and his New York accent is totally whack. Fughettaboutit.
I can't think of anything really negative to say, but I still haven't figured out if I like Scarlett Johansson in this or if she's annoying. I go back and forth on it. On one hand, it's refreshing to see her as something other than the sultry sex bomb. But on the other hand, she seems to be trying to hard to be funny. But sometimes she is funny. So, I don't know.
My Thoughts:I would watch this movie again. On mute.
I was really surprised by this because I've never been the biggest Woody Allen fan, but I loved his character. He cracked me up. The movie as a whole was very cute - something of a nod to older screwball comedies. I guess Allen die-hards and film snobs would probably write this movie off as silly or lacking substance, but they should just stick to sucking lemons.
Final Grade:


* Put any other lead actors in it, and this stinkbomb easily gets an F.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

People Are Idiots, Pt. MMMMMCCCLXIX

Seems the American Idol tour ran into a little bit of ugly business on Sunday, when servants of the LAWD protested outside the San Jose Arena. Turns out, they weren't unhappy about the inclusion of "No Boundaries" in the set list*, as most folks were. No, they just wanted to drop by and let everyone know that, unless Adam Lambert gave up Teh Gay, he and anyone who paid money to hear his unholy, lusty wails would all be torn asunder and fed to the hounds of hell, or the beasts of brimstone, or the puppies of purgatory.**

It was also rumored that these fine, upstanding people were aiming their righteous anger at other Idols, namely Allison Iraheta and Kris Allen, for being "fag enablers." Fag enablers? What are those? I wanna be one! It sounds like fun! Especially if Lambert's involved. I will enable him all day long.

But wait! It gets better! Here are the protesters, or "fag disablers," if you will:

Adam caught a glimpse of these two outside his tour bus window and he was sore afraid.

I mean, seriously. This is it?? GAYS ARE RUINING THE WORLD, and only two people bothered to show up and spread the word? Did they forget to put the meeting time in the church bulletin, or are these just the worst zealots ever? What kind of church do these people belong to? Bob's Church and Grill? Come on! I could gather more people together in the next five minutes to protest that guy's fanny pack.

These idiots were right about one thing though: hell is waiting for anyone who buys a ticket for the Idol tour. But what they didn't tell anyone is that there's an easy way to escape it. Just skip Danny Gokey's set.

(For all of you insane people out there ready to anonymously flail me in the comments section, just know that I am a Christian. And I would like to remind you what Jesus said about homosexuals. Actually, why don't you remind me? That page of my Bible must have been ripped out.)

*I hear it's since been removed. Hallelujah!!
** Thank you, Sir Simon Milligan.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Bring It Arooooound Town

Folks, a very important birthday is upon us. Spongebob is 10!

Whoa, that just sunk in. Holy (foghorn), I feel old now.

Well, the body may be decrepit, but I'm still a child on the inside - and that child is very excited for this weekend's Spongebob marathon on Nickelodeon, and the brandy new documentary on VH1 tomorrow night! YAY! I'm ready...I'm ready...I'm ready...I'M READY!

In honor of Sir Squarepants, I would like to show you all a clip from the funniest Spongebob episode EVAH - "Band Geeks." If you haven't seen that one, you must immediately find it and watch it. It was the episode that got me hooked on the show. Of course, I'm giving away the ending, which is the best part, but trust me. There are so many great moments and quotes in it that you should really watch from the beginning.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

I'm pretty late with this week's video and really didn't have anything planned, so I decided to use the celebrity birthday list for inspiration.

In honor of Ronnie James Dio, who turns 67 (Holy shiii...diver!) today, I'm pulling out that oft-forgotten hair metal contribution to the mid-'80s "feed the world (or at least Africa)" movement, "Stars." Dio was to Hear 'N Aid what Bob Geldof was to Band Aid: organizing and leading 40 headbangers to an L.A. studio to record a charity single that he wrote (with the help of band mates Vivian Campbell and Jimmy Bain). Unlike Geldof, he didn't develop a God complex. He already had some sort of magical wizard complex.

While this may not be as good as "Do They Know It's Christmas," it's miles better than "We Are the World." Sure, it might be a little cheesy and dated, but these dudes ROCK.

But where the hell was Nigel Tufnel?? He really could've taken that to 11.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Bitch, Please? More Like Please Tell That Bitch Not to Be So Dead-on Balls Accurate

So, I meant to post this a while back when it first appeared on SNL, but forgot about it. At least I tried to forget about it. But then I recently mentioned this Weekend Update skit in a comment I left for Soda and Candy, who said she had never seen it. I figured that there might be more of you out there who were missing out, so I'm finally getting around to sharing it with y'all.

This is a celebrity blogger character created by new cast member, Michaela Watkins. I still don't know whether to be embarrassed by how right on this is, or flattered that much funnier people find idiots like myself parody-worthy.

(Canadians: Don't even try it. Hulu hates you. I'm sorry.)

I would like to clear up a few things, though. There are a few differences between me and "Angie Tempura."

1. I do not have a perpetually stuffy nose. (She's like the Lisa Loopner of the new millennium.)
2. I do not drink iced coffee. I would move to Iceland if it meant I never had to see or smell coffee ever again. Bitch, please!!
3. I do not write stupid captions on my photos like Perez "Violence is never the answer" Hilton. I AM A PHOTOSHOP GENIUS, DAMMIT!!
4. I have slightly nicer hair. And that is the first time I've ever said that.
5. I totally would not have reacted that way to Zac Efron. I mean, she didn't even try to dry hump him. What the eff is wrong with her?

Caption Crotch-test Contest #24

"Has anyone seen my diaphragm?"

This month's winning caption belongs to Splotchy, who was the only one to make me heartily laugh out loud. I always knew those splotches were a symptom of a more serious condition, and now my suspicions are confirmed. It is now my expert opinion that Splotchy's crotch is, in fact, on fi-yah.

And since Adam Lambert proved that runners-up are not losers, these folks have nothing to be ashamed of:

Because I'm a sucker for bad puns (you should all know this by now): "...So I told the hairdresser I wanted a style that would make me look like a fun guy..." - The Imaginary Reviewer

Because I'm a sucker for lyrical puns: Lady Gaga is forced to wear a shield on her head after too many people take her lyrics literally and repeatedly poke her face. - The Imaginary Reviewer, again!

Because it paints a beautiful and hilarious image: Taken moments before the Border Collie who won the Frisbee championship took her head clean off her shoulders. - June's Firecrotch, Skyler's Dad

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Let It Roll Down the Highway

Hey, lovahs. If you can tear yourself away from the endless coverage of Michael Jackson's memorial service, stop over at Starpulse today for my latest post. I'm playing the role of pop cultural cartographer, charting a course for a summer road trip based on locations immortalized in TV and film. I know it's a pain in the ass (not really) to create a new user name, but please do, so you can comment all over me. I don't have any comments yet, and it's quite a blast of cold water on my ego, considering my last post about Adam Lambert caused the heavens to part and the angels to sing. (Of course, that may have had more to do with the glorious subject matter than my writing ability, but I will continue to lie to myself that it was the latter.)

Look, I even made an awesomely cheesy map! See that?? You have to comment now!

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Where'd I Go?

Oh snap! So, the long weekend is OVER? Shoot. And here I am with absolutely nothing to offer you people. I could say I'm just being nice and giving you all extra time to come up with some funnies for the caption contest, but we all know that I'm just lazy and uninspired right now. I'm sorry. I'll try to make up for my suckage soon.

In the meantime, I'm reposting this cool-ass video that I recently put up on Fire That Agency, featuring my unborn babies. Their awesomeness will help ease the pain of having no new eye boogers or more pointless gushing over Adam Lambert.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

You may think that I'm posting a Michael Jackson vid this week in honor of our dearly departed King of Pop, but that's not the case. I posted several of his videos last week and hadn't planned on sharing any more, until I saw the one for "Liberian Girl" on a VH-1 Classic MJ marathon.

I'd never even heard this song (a track from Bad, which I didn't own), so I certainly had no idea there was a video for it. Evidently, the video was just an excuse for Michael to show everyone how many famous friends he had, because nothing really happens and the song essentially becomes background noise while all of the assembled celebs chit chat.

My roommates and I were rather amused by the vid, and had fun naming all of the stars. But then (around the 1:25 mark) I asked, "Hey, is that Olivia Newton Joooo.....JOHN! IT'S JOHN TRAVOLTA!!!" (Insert mad 13-year-old style squealing.) I was right on both counts. ONJ and JT are together in this vid, and John looks GLORIOUS. Ah, those were the hair days of his life. And this was in 1987, when he really wasn't doing anything. Right in between the shame of Perfect and the ridunkulousness of The Experts. It was a time in which everyone had forgotten that he existed. Everyone except ME, of course. Oh, and I guess Michael Jackson. Which makes Jacko even cooler in my book now.

By the way, John also shows up at 2:31, and again, briefly, right around the 3:15 mark. Right before Dan Aykroyd rolls in with Steve Guttenberg. GUTTENBERG. And here's where I get angry at the injustice of Hollywood. John Travolta's career died (for the first time) after he did the stupid '80s gym movie (in which he looked incredibly hot, by the way), yet Guttenberg was a huge star in '87, thrilling audiences in the 4th Police Academy installment. And let's not forget that other movie, you know the one. How did Chili Palmer describe it? The one where three grown-up guys get left with a baby, and so they act like three grown-up assholes, acting all cute.

Sure, 3 Men and a Baby might have been marginally better plot-wise than Perfect, but I still can't believe that the majority of the public would rather watch Steve Guttenberg change a diaper than John Travolta do some squat thrusts. I just don't understand people, I guess.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

You Can't Take It With You (And By "It" I Mean Your AMEX Card)

I swear, I might as well just make a sticky celebrity death template and fill in the blanks every day. This is getting ridiculous.

Oscar-winner Karl Malden is the latest to leave us. I loved him in A Streetcar Named Desire, and he seemed like an all-around cool guy. But we can't be too sad. Dying peacefully at 97 is about the closest you can get to winning this game we call Life.

And I wasn't sad...until I saw this recent picture (on the left). Doesn't Karl with a K look just like Carl with a C from Up? If I think about that movie for more than 2 minutes, tears just automatically start streaming down my face.


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine