Saturday, January 30, 2010

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

I've been learning to play "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" on the guitar, so I thought about posting a lesser-known Poison video today. However, the very first song that came to mind was "Big Talk." Yeah, the Warrant song. Hmm. I guess that proves where my hair band loyalties lain back in the day. (Lain? Is that right? If it is, I missed a golden opportunity to make a Jani Lane pun. But that guy's probably tired of being a punchline by now.)

Anyway, I hadn't heard this song in a really long time, so I figured I'd post it. And it fits the category since most people only remember two Warrant songs: "Heaven" and "Cherry Pie." I have no idea what made this pop into my head (or why I remember ALL of the lyrics), but now it won't GET OUT. Ah well. The video is ridiculous, but the song certainly isn't the worst one I've ever had stuck in my head. And, honestly, the really high part at the end of the song is extremely fun to sing. Especially if you have a terrible voice like mine.

By the way, I used to have quite the crush on Jerry Dixon (the bassist with the ginormous eyebrows). When I mentioned this to another blogger years ago, she told me that a groupie friend of hers reported that, sadly, he pretty much drank his penis into submission. I don't know why I'm mentioning this. It's not really important. But perhaps Jerry will stop by to refute the claims that his Dixon doesn't work.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Project Runway 7, Episode 3 Recap

At the top of last night's episode, the designers were feeling the pressure of the competition, forgetting that Pamela had even been a contestant, and fumbling to understand why Ping was still there.

Everyone headed to the Metropolitan Museum of Art to meet Tim Gunn, who was surrounded by several mannequins in original fashions by iconic designers like Dior and Balenciaga. The designers were appropriately giddy being up close and personal with their idols' creations.

Tim quickly crushed all the high spirits in the room with the two most dreaded words one can hear on Project Runway: TEAM CHALLENGE. But the good news was that each team had a whopping $500 budget to design a "high-end signature look."

Team captains were picked at random, and Ping was among them. Jesse hoped that Ping wouldn't pick him, which he should have never hoped for out loud. The teams were Jay/Maya, Jesus/Amy, Anthony/Seth Aaron, Janeane/Ben, Mila/Jonathan, Ping/Jesse, and Emilio/Anna Marie.

Continue on to Starpulse to read the full recap!
(And leave me comments over there, my lovely bitches. The Starpulse community is slacking lately.)

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

American Idol 9: Sight Unseen

I know that many of you heavily rely on me to tell you what happens on this crapfest every week, but I think I've had just about enough of the auditions. I, once again, opted for pub trivia last night and I'm going to be missing tonight's show because I'll be reviewing the Norah Jones concert in Brooklyn. Any of you who are really upset about this turn of events might want to get together and raise some money for my DVR fund. I'm needy!

I suppose I could catch up by watching the videos on MJ's Big Blog, but I'm honestly not that interested. I can pretty much tell you what happened last night and what will happen tonight. Consider this the audition template:

  • The judges try to act surprised when faced with several crazy people who can't sing
  • Two or three people with sob stories of varying degrees get shitloads of screen time and golden tickets
  • The judges rave over a handful of pretty/slutty girls with average voices
  • Kara swoons over a handful of heavily-gelled guys who sound like every other inoffensive pop crooner on the radio
  • One complete clown is offered up to make everyone laugh
  • One complete nutcase is offered up to try to inject some drama into the show
  • Simon rubs his nipples
  • Randy makes up imaginary percentages
  • Kara makes everyone want to kick her in the face
  • The guest judge just sits there being useless (Although from what I've heard this only applied to Avril Lavigne on Day 1. Apparently, Katy Perry took over on Day 2 and was feisty, awesome, and threatened to throw her Coke in Kara's face. That's close enough to a kick for me to love it.)
Of course, I did happen to catch one clip online of an Adam Lambert clone. They haven't really shown any this season, but apparently there have been quite a few. This one is pretty ridonk, but I didn't even care about HIM. It was someone else shown during the preceding montage who caught my eye.

Check out the guy at :21 who says he's the love child of Susan Boyle and Glambert. IT'S TOTALLY DANIEL FRANCO FROM PROJECT RUNWAY (seasons 1 and 2)!! I guess now there is finally an answer to Santino and Nick's musical question...

So, is that a step up or down on the reality TV ladder? I guess it all depends on your point of view.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following items are curiously fascinating:

One Hundred People Like Me - Over the last few days, right when I started to forget that I had a blog, I hit the 100 Followers mark. Amazing. It really did give me a tingle, mostly because I love nice, round, firm numbers. Of course, now that I've said this, five of you will probably decide to bail.

One Hundred People Like Jay Leno - And yet, he's been re-gifted The Tonight Show. Perhaps my dream to become the Queen of Late Night is not really that far out of reach. (By the way, Conan's last show? Gingeriffic.)

Brangelina Split Up..bup-bup..They're Still Together - On Saturday, the Internetz nearly broke when the news about Brad and Ang breaking up hit the Webwaves. I even got to create a list of reasons WHY the Brangelinic entity split back into two separate parts, but then Perez Hilton and a bunch of other unnamed sources tried to make all my pointless speculation, well...pointless, by fiercely insisting that the couple is still very much together. I don't buy it though. Come on, she doesn't want to kiss that skanky beard anymore and he's about ready to call the people from Hoarders on her compulsive adopting ass.

John Edwards: The Next Tommy Lee - Gawker recently reported that John Edwards and his baby mama Rielle Hunter made a dirty, dirty sex tape (er, DVD) that reveals the former Presidential candidate's Johnson is more Lincoln-sized. I'm not sure how much farther this jackhole can fall, but I'm sure that reality TV will be there to catch him.

Internetz Goez Bananaz For New Gorillaz Song - Well, it DID leak and then when everyone went ape-shit, Gorillaz officially put it up on their website and YouTube channel. The song ("Stylo," featuring Bobby Womack and Mos Def) is a bit repetitive, but it's got a great groove. I'm pretty excited to hear the whole record (Plastic Beach is due out in March) because Damon Albarn has said that it's going to be the "poppiest" one yet. Hopefully people (snobs) will one day realize that "pop" is not a dirty word.

LiLo Wants Her Money, Bitch - After all these years of playing a crack whore, Lindsay Lohan is finally gonna see some real whore money. (Well, Pretty Woman whore money, anyway.) Some dirty old Eurotrash man is paying her to be his date for February's Vienna Opera Ball. Apparently, he takes a different celebutard every year: his past dates have included Nicolette Sheridan and Paris Hilton. Perhaps she could just ask to be paid in crack and razor blades (the better to cut herself with, my dears) and save everyone some time.

General Larry Platt Wants His Money, Bitch - Since Larry Platt debuted his original tune, "Pants on the Ground" on American Idol, everyone has been singing it, creating mashups, and just generally using it for their own pleasure. Larry hasn't seen a dime during all of this, so naturally he's hired a lawyer to help him cash in on the craze he created. But now there come reports that maybe the song isn't really Larry's! Two Michigan-based unknowns, The Green Brothers, claim that Larry basically just stole their copyrighted song, "Back Pockets on the Floor." It is pretty's kind of a stream-of-consciousness rant against hip hop fashion by an elderly dude. I'd hate to think that Larry is really a thief, but it's pretty suspicious. Or maybe all old dudes think alike?

Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout, Bitch? - Gary Coleman was arrested on Sunday in Utah. Cops were initially called to his home for a "domestic disturbance," which they found no evidence of, but did discover that he had an outstanding "failure to appear" warrant from an unrelated incident. And, oh who cares what he was arrested for. The most important thing is this: BEST. MUGSHOT. EVER.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Sometimes the Internet Likes to Remind Me That I'm a Girl



Click the picture to go squee. I mean, see.

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

Usually, I give some sort of explanation for or story behind the song that I pick every week. But this week is different. Why? Because I'm posting "I Do The Rock" by a certain fella by the name of Tim Curry. And there's never NOT a good reason for Tim Curry.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

American Idol 9: Da Bores

Last night, the AI audition train rolled into Chicago and somehow I managed to stay awake and somewhat calm for the most horrible group of auditioners to ever grace my television set. Thankfully, it was only a one-hour episode.

Kara was already on my nerves by minute two when she blathered on about how much she worshipped guest judge Shania Twain. Interestingly enough, even though Kara always sits next to the guest judge, this time Randy sat in between them. Don't even kid yourself into thinking that Shania didn't specifically request a buffer between her and Kara the Idiot Stalker.

(By the way, can I say how disappointed I am that these auditions weren't held in Salt Lake City? I would have had such a great title for this post — "American Idol 9: Man, I Feel Like a Mormon." Wakka wakka wakka!)

Day 1...

The first auditioner was Katelyn, who I thought was wearing a headdress from the Lion King musical. Turns out that was just her hair. She also attempted to become one of this season's Very Special Contestants (VSC) with the lamest sob story ever: her parents are...wait for it...wait for it...DIVORCED! Oh no!! Well, what she lacked in VSC material, she (kind of) made up for with her vocals. She was pretty good. I wasn't, as Simon might say, jumping out of my chair, but Kara was. She was practically salivating, already thinking about turning this girl into a total slutbag, like she did with Alexis Grace last year. When will these contestants learn to just do the opposite of everything Kara says?

Next up was Amy, a quirky, chipper girl with a Seacrest fixation. She did a weird version of an Aretha Franklin song, complete with stage dramatics and boob thrusting, much to the panel's befuddlement. Her voice was a bit forced and theatrical but it wasn't necessarily bad. The judges passed.

Then came Charity, an annoying Barbie doll who sang "Summertime," probably in the hopes that it would remind Simon of his darling Fantasia. Her voice sounded like...well, I'm not sure how to describe it. But I'll try: a couple of pigeons fighting over a worm inside Nelly Furtado's mouth. The judges thought she was "unique" though, and gave her a golden ticket. And then they blathered on about how they couldn't believe she was ONLY 16!!!

Now, why would the judges say no to Amy and yes to Charity, when neither of them was particularly talented, and Amy actually had the better personality and less grating voice? Well, my dears, Amy was fat and Charity was skinny. Case closed.

The parade of "colorful characters" montage kicked in to lighten the mood a bit before Angela Martin brought her black cloud into the audition room.

Yes, Angela is a VSC but it's hard to make fun of her. She's not just using some heartwarming sob story to get her 15 minutes of fame — she is pretty much the unluckiest person in the world. When we first met her in Season 7, we learned that she has a daughter with Rett Syndrome, a neurodevelopmental disorder. She got a golden ticket that year, but her father was murdered two weeks before the Hollywood round, so she dropped out. She came back in Season 8 and made it to Hollywood, but her second chance was derailed when she was forced to quit because of a mandatory court date stemming from an outstanding traffic violation. Last night, she was given her third golden ticket after a nice rendition of Mary J. Blige's "Just Fine." She later suggested that "the storm is over" and this is her year. Oh man, I really wish she hadn't said that. Because it's now being reported that her mother has been missing since Christmas, and her car was found on New Year's Eve. That doesn't sound good.

By the end of Day 1, only eight people made it through to Hollywood. How can Chicago, home of the Blogosphere's Crush, Grant Miller, be full of so many untalented jerks?

The horror continued on Day 2...

Some guy named Curley showed off his impression of a dog whistle. Unfortunately, neither Taylor Lautner nor a pack of wild wolves descended upon the audition room to tear everyone limb from limb.

I thought I was in for a treat when Brian from Pittsburgh showed up. PITTSBURGH IN DA HOUSE!!! Woo...ohhh no. I really don't want to brag about this guy being from ye olde hometowne. He acted like a jackass and miserably failed all of his half-assed attempts at comedy. But he was a perfect representation of the Single Pittsburgh Man, which might give you all a little more insight into why I left in the first place. And now I'm starting to wonder why the hell I'm going back. Please tell me all the hot, normal guys are divorced by now.

Harold wanted to be a star because he was tired of eating microwave dinners. Oh please. Like all non-celebrities have to eat is microwave dinners. Hasn't he ever heard of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? Ramen noodles? Tuna straight out of the can? Anyway, he threatened to hold a note for, like, two minutes so that the judges would grill him a steak, but he did nothing of the sort. But he did cry like a bitch who just found out someone ate his last Hot Pocket when the judges told him no.

Fat White Girl #2 kicked off the next barrage of losers. If AI has taught us nothing else, it's that you can be fat and you can be white, but you can't be both.

Token Asian Guy wouldn't stop shaking his head when he sang, which made me feel sicker than I already was. Kara got pouty when Shania horned in on her "dirty girl" act by making some sly sexual innuendos. The judges gave Token Asian a golden ticket while marveling over his "surprising," soulful voice, because they had no idea what to expect when he walked in. (Translation: Wow! You don't sound like William Hung OR Mr. Miagi! Confucius say, "Welcome to Hollywood!" Now, do some Kung Fu!)

The last featured auditioner was someone a little easier for the judges to understand — hooray, an average white chick! Oh, but Paige Dechausse was not about to try to make it on her vocals alone. She was a VSC, too, dammit! She has asthma! Suck on that, girl with the divorced parents! There was a little more to her asthma story, of course. Apparently, she went into anaphylactic shock when she was younger and was only given a 30% chance to live. But her mother made sure Paige always had her headphones with her, which helped her to miraculously recover with no brain damage. HEALED BY THE POWER OF MUSIC! SO SHE MUST GO TO HOLLYWOOD!

I'm (not really) sorry if I sound like an asshole now, but I'm so sick of these Lifetime movie moments. Look, I'm glad the girl is okay, but Paige was yet another average singer who made it through (mostly thanks to Shania and Kara's prodding of The Dawg) simply because she looks good on camera and has had some back luck in her life. How many better singers with no juicy backstories do you think were probably sent home to make room for her? At least we can say that the person with the most tragic life — Angela Martin — can really sing.

I felt like I had to puke through most of that episode, but nothing would come up. But the dry heaves finally gave way to something more productive after the judges gave Paige her golden ticket. As she stood outside the audition room happily rejoicing with her family, the camera zoomed in on Paige, who whipped out her inhaler and took a mighty puff.

I hate throwing up. But sometimes it's the only way to make yourself feel better, you know?

A trio of forgettable guys (including a pretty damn good Bryan Adams impersonator) were put through to Hollywood, which put a cap on Day 2 of the WORST. AUDITIONS. EVER. Only 13 people from Chicago made it to the next round.

Tonight, the judges are in Orlando. I've been to Orlando and I've heard plenty of bad singers, so I'm going to pub trivia instead. If I can find a replay of the show somewhere (yep, I'm still DVR-less), maybe I'll post a recap at some point, but don't hold your breath. (Insert asthma joke here. Unless it's about Jerome Bettis.)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Out of Tune Idol Tuesday

Hey, gang. Sorry I've been kind of lazy over the last few days. I was enjoying the long weekend. I'll get back to blogging soon enough, but in the meantime, why don't you head on over to Jules' place and check out her Out of Tune Idol competition? I'm serving as one of the gluttons for punishment judges, along with several other witty ladies. If your favorite part of American Idol is when the judges point and laugh at mental defectives (aka "the first round of auditions"), you will love Out of Tune Idol. It's exactly what it sounds like...and so much less.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Project Runway Season 7 Begins!

How can we miss this show if it won't go away? Seriously, didn't it JUST end? Well, I guess Season 6 was kind of a dud, so they figured they better do something quick before everyone loses interest. Bringing it back to NYC (where it belongs) is certainly the first step in the right direction. Adding a goofy Asian chick, aging rocker dude and a big, glittery handful of fabulous gays, and then topping that potent mixture with a very pregnant Heidi are also keys to a winning recipe. Feels like old times.

Head over to Starpulse to read my Episode 1 recap and dish on the newest crop of designers. What did you think of Ping's pile-o-blankets? Could Anthony be any more faaaa-bu-louuuus? Is Seth Aaron kinda hot or just a guy sadly clinging to the last remnants of youth? Will Janeane break Ricky Lizalde's record for most tears shed in a single episode? Who will be the insufferable bitch of the season? Is this too many questions? Well, is it??

Thursday, January 14, 2010

American Idol 9: The Devil Went Down to Georgia (And She Was Joined By Simon, Randy, and Mary J. Blige)

If you remember nothing else from AI's Atlanta auditions, remember this: Ryan Seacrest grew up there. Back when he used to look like this:

(Insert the dramatic chipmunk music, followed by that fish from The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie screaming, "MY EYES!")

Unfortunately, I didn't black out after seeing that photo, so I did watch the Parade of Nonsense in its entirety.

Before I get to the auditions, I'd like to say that I used to like Mary J. Blige. I think that all changed last night. When she wasn't being annoying, rude, or just plain useless, she seemed to be trying desperately to morph into Wanda Sykes. Some of the facial expressions and the manner of speaking were pretty close, but the most important characteristic—humor—was conspicuously absent.

Day One went a little something like this...

Kicking off the madness was some dude who claimed that one of his relatives discovered Gladys Knight and The Pips, and acted as if that automatically made him talented. He wasn't, but I did love the title of his original song, "Lady, We're Not Together Anymore." Poetic, eh? However, if I didn't know that, I would've thought it was called, "Lay-Tee, It's Over and Over and Over and Over, Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

Curly-haired Kia was next. She covered the theme from Titanic surprisingly well, considering she didn't dramatically punch her chest throughout. She was very peppy, so it wasn't surprising to learn that she had been a Miss America contestant, nor that she ended up winning, as Mary J. Blige said, "Miss Congealiality." So, I guess her talent was making solids out of liquids. It's a good a talent as any, I suppose.

After that pleasant display, three chicks yelled loudly and were all given golden tickets.

Then we met the first VSC of the night: Jermaine, the church singer who takes care of his mom, who has spina bifida. He did a nice version of Joan Osborne's "One of Us," except for all the unnecessary run-filled shouting at the end. Randy said he was the best so far, which is only the 900th time one of the judges has said that in the last two days.

Speaking of Randy, will someone explain numbers to him? I swear, if I have to hear him give one more person a 913 million bajillion percent yes, I'm going to lose my damn mind. Even Homer Simpson knows: "No one can give more than 100 percent. By definition that's the most any one can give."

Some annoying local Atlanta TV host showed up, claiming to have just turned 25. Sure she did. Ten years ago. She got really into a Pat Benatar song, which amused the judges to no end, but she wasn't nearly as bad as they made her out to be. After she was shown the door, Ryan segued into the "dejected losers" montage.

As Day One came to a close, I experienced an Outer Limits moment when I tried to adjust my television set, thinking that the channel had suddenly switched over to an episode of Hee-Haw. Turns out, AI was just giving some Tennessee hick chick and her dirt poor family a shitload of screen time. She didn't got no money no how. She was a'feared she'd never excape her backwoods town. Her mostest prized possession wuz a fo' dolla dress. SWEET JEEBUS.
(I swear I saw this same story on the Lifetime Movie Network at, like, 4 a.m. last Friday. Except the girl looked a lot more like Kellie Martin.) She sang a country song in a very country voice and was very country...but she wasn't really that good. But, shucks, who cares? Why wouldn't they put a girl like that through? A girl who can come out of the audition room with her magical golden ticket, talkin' 'bout how plum excited she are to eat peanuts on an aero-plane, as a Carrie Underwood song dramatically swells in the background? I could actually hear the producers salivating. She's like the perfect mixture of Kellie Pickler and Rose Flack.

Day Two...

The second day of auditions started pretty close to where the previous one ended — with a total hillbilly. This time, it was a dorky guy whose sob story was slightly different. Instead of being dirt poor, this dude was apparently accident prone, as he almost died three times. Of course, we had to endure unfunny Idol re-enactments of the events: nearly taking a richocheted bullet, almost getting run over by a truck, and suffering a serious childhood illness. I'm not sure, but I swear that kid said the illness was "dick fever." Hmm. I never knew there was a cure for that!

Anyway, that whole hillbilly boy segment nearly made me put my foot through the TV screen. The judges were particularly annoying during his audition, especially Kara and Mary. Simon was looking at the kid's info and asked him if he had ever died before, which prompted some of Kara's mock outrage over Simon's "rudeness." So, when the kid started talking about his near-death experiences, she yelled, "OHHHHH, I THOUGHT SIMON WAS SAYING HE LOOKED LIKE HE DIED!" Niiiice. Way to be a bitch, Kara. Then, when the guy froze up at the beginning of his song, Mary J. cracked up and Kara started hugging and rocking her, while patronizingly telling the poor guy that Mary was just "sad." And, if I wasn't already disgusted enough, every time the kid moved (when he left the room, got in the elevator, left the building, etc.), they had to play these stupid "accident" sound effects, as if to say, "Ha ha, maybe this poor bastard will finally succeed in getting himself killed today!" Assholes.

More sad losers followed that sad display.

Holly "The Human 'Geet-Tar'" Hardin came in and actually sang pretty well. But everyone was so concerned about her stupid costume that they were ignoring her voice. (So, ridiculous sob story = not distracting. Silly costume = distracting. Got it.) Mary gave her a "no," but Randy and Kara finally came around. Simon caved after Holly told him he was "gorgeous."

Guitar Girl kicked off the "bunch of weirdos" montage, which featured one of Simon's better disses: " It's like a cat barking. You know, it shouldn't happen."

Mallorie was a fresh-faced, down-home kind of girl with a carefully mussed mane of hair. So, of course she sang "Piece of My Heart." She was good, but nothing spectacular. But Mary J. said that she gave the best vocal (#901) so far. She made it through.

Skii Bo Ski thought he was the butt baby of Sammy Davis, Jr. and Snoop Dogg. He was kind of on my nerves during his whole waiting room monologue, but he actually had a pretty decent voice. Simon didn't like him at all, but everyone else did. They just thought he needed an image makeover. Skii Bo Ski took his golden ticket and then confused the hell out of The Dawg by speaking less intelligibly than he does.

Two painted-up teenagers who looked like they came right from the Miss Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sausage Pageant auditioned together, but sang separately. No one liked the annoying brunette, but the blonde sang a Kelly Clarkson song and got a ticket to Hollywood. Later, annoying brunette tried to act like she was happy for her friend, but it's pretty clear that she probably went psycho after the cameras stopped rolling.

A trio of tone-deaf girls then sang for everyone's amusement. Simon must have had enough, because he had to pop out of the room and missed the next audition.

Zippy the Policeman (another one who claims to be 25, yet looked 40) sang "Superstar" in the style of Ruben Studdard, who sang it in the style of Luther Vandross. Everyone liked his vocals, but Kara made it clear that she didn't find him attractive when she says, "This guy comes in and you think, (rolls eyes) oh, here we go." Way to be a bitch, Kara. Again. (However, it's true that the guy was rather strange looking, hence my nicknaming him "Zippy the Policeman." But, hey, I wouldn't call him that to his face. A commenter at VFTW said he looked like "a can of smashed assholes," which is one of the funniest things I've heard all week.)

Some guy named Lamar won the Best Actor Award by putting on a dramatic scene when the judges refused to applaud his angry, loud rendition of "Kiss From a Rose." Seriously, that whole thing was so contrived. I mean, the guy told the camera man in the waiting room that he was a good listener and was looking forward to the judges' constructive criticism, and then he got in there, sang like a jackass, and then talked over everyone and started dropping F-bombs everywhere. No one will convince me that wasn't an act. Just as I was praying for the guy to leave my screen, he won me over with this: "Who the f**k is Kara? I wish Paula was here." Me too, Lamar. Me too.

The Atlanta auditions (finally!) ended with Larry Platt, an awesome 62-year-old guy who performed his original song, "Pants on the Ground," an ode to annoying hip-hop fashion choices. It was adorable. It sounded like a song my dad would have written.

Next week, it's off to Chicago.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

American Idol 9: It Begins

Last night, the ninth season of AI kicked off with its first round of auditions in Boston. And though the city may be wicked awesome, the usual dog and pony show was anything but. I'm not really sure why I'm still watching. The only answer I can come up with is that I've already invested eight years of my life in this crapfest, so I can't quit now. And since Simon has announced that he's leaving after this year, I think Season 9 may be the end of it all anyway.

Ryan Seacrest, in a typical over-dramatic voiceover, spoke of the tragedy of Paula's resignation and the joy of Ellen's hiring as if he were describing the conflict in Northern Island and the (supposed) new era of peace. Then, by minute two, we were promised roughly 60% more sob stories this year. Hooray! God knows I can't enjoy a piece of music unless I know it's performed by someone who has gone through something tragic.

Throngs of people braved the Beantown rain for a chance to either get a golden ticket or make total massholes of themselves. As the judges began to arrive, two whole Kara fans emerged from the crowd of thousands, mumbling halfhearted "I love yous" to the WORST. JUDGE. EVER. Then, the guest judge showed up. Whoa, it was the skeleton from my 9th grade biology class!! How weird. Woops, my mistake...that was actually Victoria Beckham. Sadly, she didn't bring along her gorgeous husband, but did come equipped with TWO facial expressions. Woops, sorry. I'm mistaken again...she just had the one.

Day One kicked off with Janet, the first obviously aspring actress/comedienne of the season. She broke out the muffin top, spastic movements, and misplaced confidence that would ensure her a place on the "Best of the Worst" special later this year, and possibly a walk-on part on Two and a Half Men. The judges all pretended like she somehow slipped through initial screening and tried to muster up their best "you so crazy" faces. Victoria Beckham failed. Unless she's always thinking "you so crazy." If that's the case, then she nailed it.

The rest of Day One went a little something like this...

The season's first VSC (Very Special Contestant) was introduced. Maddy, who seemed to be molded from "'80s movie shy girl who just needs a tiny makeover" clay, introduced her brother with Down Syndrome, and then her other adopted brother with Down Syndrome...followed by her two other adopted brothers (one Asian) with Down Syndrome. Does it even need to be said that she made it through? Her voice was very "churchy" (of course she sang "Hallelujah"), so I can't see her ever being a popstar. But did I mention that she has four brothers with Down Syndrome?

Kara told Posh that she liked her. Posh just stared at Kara. So, either the feeling was not mutual or Vicky B just fell into another malnutritional coma.

The Whitest Kid on Earth tried to "holla" at everyone and then butchered "Womanizer." I know it seems impossible to butcher a Britney Spears song, but that kid was mad talented, yo.

A gaggle of girls made it through. I don't remember any of their names, but the one whom I'll call Blue Tank Top sang Mr. Big's "To Be With You." I've been waiting on a line of greens and blues just to hear someone cover that on this show, so I liked her immediately.

Rocco Amadeus (his name was close enough to that, trust me) sang some blues and used his hands a lot, like a good Italian.

The judges revealed their new catchphrase for Season 9: "You have a good/great energy." And with the end of this two-hour debacle nowhere in sight, my energy began to look not-so-good.

Derek, apparently the inventor of the time machine, came all the way from 1974 to audition. He thought he sounded like one of his favorites, Chris Brown, whom he claimed to admire not for his woman-beating abilities, but because of "the way he touches young kids all around the world." Clearly, Derek was confusing Chris Brown with R. Kelly. Regardless, after proving himself to be a graduate of the Chrustin Richardslake™ School of Nasally Singing, he was sent packing.

Then it was time for the "bunch of crybabies" montage. To the one who wailed, "This meant everything to me," may I suggest you reassess your life? (Says the girl sitting, watching, and taking notes on this shit.)

Oooh, a plain Jane, animé-loving weirdo! Would she suck? Yes! After she was shown the door, Beardy Skullcap and a vaguely familiar-looking, moon-faced kid were given golden tickets.

Angry Hipster Clark Kent did a fair impression of a pubescent Frank Sinatra on his rendition of "House of the Rising Sun," but made a bad impression on Kara who seemed equal parts mock-angry and really turned on by Hipster's "attitude." Simon said the worst thing he could have possibly said: "You've got very, very bad energy." Oooooh. A double very! They all argued back and forth for a while before finally casting the guy and his giant glasses out into the hallway, which was obviously his intention. Hipster wasn't really a bad singer, but he should probably take some acting lessons.

Ashley something-or-other looked like a plant, sounded like a plant, and the judges all salivated on her like she was a plant, so she's probably a plant.

(Take These) Broken Wrists (And Learn To Fly Again) sang "Let's Get It On," and Kara seemed equal parts really turned on and really really turned on.

The day ended on a positive note with a "random winners" montage. These will be the people who get voted out during Hollywood Week.

And now on to Day Two...

Lisa Lisa Lisa was another in a long line of slutbags who think they can sing like Mariah Carey. Considering that Randy and Simon were looking at her ass like they wanted to take a bite out of it, I'm surprised that they didn't pull a Bikini Girl and send her to Hollywood.

The "parade of losers" montage prefaced a few winners:

  • Codzilla - some speedboat worker who got Kara even more lathered up with an unsexy and inoffensive version of "Yesterday"
  • VSC #2 - the 16-year-old (only 16, yo!) with the Alzheimered grandma who brought all of Portugal to support her
  • Last Chance Harvey - the 28-year-old who Simon described as having "no presence, no power"
Last Chance Harvey had the cute, mild-mannered, aw-shucks thing going on that a lot of people dig, but the judges kept hassling him to be more aggressive, and basically treated him like a monkey who was trained to do whatever they asked. I kept waiting for Simon to say, "Now, come over here and blow me." The sad part is, the poor guy probably would have done it. Very politely, of course.

Another montage whizzed by—this one featuring the "parade of even more lunatics who 'slipped through' initial screening."

Finally, some eye candy appeared. (Note: He was much more rugged-looking than this picture suggests.) And Justin Williams was not only the "hottie" (even Randy and Simon were checking him out), but also the "hero" (he's a soldier) and another VSC (he is a cancer survivor). Hello, Top 12! Seriously, did anyone think he wouldn't get a golden ticket? He could have stood up there and farted the theme song to Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. and he would have been put through. And does anyone think he won't make it to the finals? Well, to be fair, he didn't make it last year. Oh yeah, he tried out last year too. Bet you couldn't tell since the judges acted like they'd never seen him before, right? He made it to Hollywood Week and even got some screen time when he was in a group with Matt Giraud and last year's eventual winner, Kris Allen.

Some guy who looked like he was created in a petri dish from the DNA of several members of both Menudo and The Jackson 5 embarrassed himself horribly. No one cared when Simon belittled him, but Posh got so upset when Si rolled his eyes at the next auditioner — a Nigerian crooner — that her left eyebrow nearly moved.

The last auditioner just happened to be the one the judges deemed "the best one all day." (Amazing how that works, eh?) Denim Diva sang "Blue Skies" very well. Well enough that I just assumed that the "unemployed" under her name meant "working singer with a failed and/or pending record contract."

Day two also ended with a montage of more golden ticket holders, including one guy who I'm certain was the forgotten fifth member of Boyz II Men.

The nonsense continues tomorrow night, as the audition train rolls into Atlanta.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Caption Crotch-test Contest #30

Full-length when she left the house, Lohan laughs when she realizes her jeans have become the latest victim of the sucking, insatiable black hole between her legs.

Just the third entry in this week's contest, I knew McGone's was the winner the minute I laid eyes on it...and nearly vomited on it in a mix of revulsion, hysteria, and admiration. I think this might be one of my favorite captions of all time because it's so clever. Now, that's what I call thinking outside the box! (No pun intended. Okay, that's a lie. If there's a pun to be made, it's always intended.)

The only thing that angers me (in more ways than one) is that McGone no longer has a blog. So, Mr. McFieryloins, I trust that you will either post this badge on your Facebook wall or make it into a decal and iron it across the seat of your favorite pair of sweatpants. (Don't forget to get rid of the white space, because that will look stupid. Unless your sweatpants are white. Which they probably shouldn't be.)

And the runner up (yep, only one this month) is...

Despite the disappointing turnout, Lindsay still tried to enjoy herself at the first annual Herpes Pride Parade. - Jon

Oooh, your crotchfire almost continue to burn for two months straight, Jon, but McGone, uh, blew it out.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Sonic Sunday: Honorable Mentions

I recently posted my Best of 2009 and Best of the Decade musical lists, which were both very difficult for me because I hate the whole narrowing-down process. You know how artists say they can never pick which of their own songs are their favorites, because that's like picking a favorite child? Well, I'm like Angelina Jolie, just adopting as many of these musical kids as I can and loving 'em all as if they were my own. So, it's just as hard for me, too.

I'm sure if I really sat down and thought about it long enough, I'd come up with 500 more songs that could have made one or both of those lists. But since I have a job and a life and don't wish to drive myself insane, I've just picked out 11 honorees for this week's Sonic Sunday. These were the first tunes that popped into my head when I thought about ones that really deserved to be listed as "favorites," but didn't make the cut for one reason or another (stupid self-imposed rules).

Best of the Decade Honorable Mentions:

1. "Always Love," Nada Surf (2005) - To make a mountain of your life is just a choice/But I never learned enough to listen to the voice that told me/Always love, hate will get you every time/Always love, don't wait 'til the finish line

I-eee-I will always love thi-eee-iiis song. Seriously, what's not to love? Beautiful melody, lovely, crisp vocals, nice's got it all. I kind of want to hate myself for leaving this off of my list, but after listening to the song again, I just can't!

2. "Apologize," Timbaland/OneRepublic (2007) - I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue/And you say "sorry" like the angel/Heaven let me think was you/But I'm afraid/It's too late to apologize, it's too late

I don't know how many of you have ever heard OneRepublic's original version of this song, but holy hell did Timbaland ever do them a solid. The original was so whiny and wussy, but after Timabland got a hold of it, it became something completely different - a sexy, soulful earworm that I never get tired of hearing.

3. "Fans," Kings of Leon (2007) - All of London sing/'Cause England swings and they sure love the tales I bring/And those rainy days they ain't so bad when you're the king/The king they wanna see

"Use Somebody" made my decade list because it was a huge favorite of mine when it came out. After it got played to death though, I fell completely in love with "Manhattan," which might be my favorite KOL song ever. It definitely would be if "Fans" didn't exist. I've never been able to pick between the two.

4. "High Wires," Ian McCulloch (2003) - I'm still trippin' on high wires/My mind is frozen, but my soul's on fire/I'm still wishing on the stars above/Just to give you what I'm dreaming of

I don't know what prompted me to buy Slideling (Ian's third solo album) when it came out because I was only a casual Echo and the Bunnymen fan, but I'm glad I did. It's not great by any means, but this catchy song jumped out at me immediately. Even though I haven't listened to the whole album in quite some time, this track usually finds its way onto my iPod on a regular basis, along with the album opener, "Love in Veins."

5. "I'll Be By Your Side," Meowskers (2007) - Let me wipe your tears/Let me clean your eyes/Let me begin to enter into your life/Is it worth all this sadness to hold on to your dreams?/Oh, I could love you with my entire being

I actually posted this song on a random mix a couple of years ago after e-stumbling upon this local Brooklyn band somehow...I don't even remember how. But ever since that day, this song has never left my iPod. There's something very '80s about it, which should help explain why I love it so much. And Meowskers is, like, the best band name ever.

6. "Mona Lisa," Grant Lee Phillips (2004) - You're the last of your kind, Mona Lisa/With a wink of your eye, ya make it all right/Oh there's more left to life, Mona Lisa/Let me take you along for the ride

When Beth was the Queen of the bloggy music mixes, she introduced me to this song and it's one of the many reasons I wish she would get her ass back to blogging. How many more gorgeous love songs that I don't know about is she sitting on?

7. "Pale Moon," Shannon McNally (2005) - I know we'll meet again someday and we'll be very far away/And I'll know you and you'll know me, and we're gonna both agree/That we belong together

Another song that I've posted before, this one showed up on my "Lost Love" mix. So, here's what I said about it then: I've interpreted this tune to be about that moment that everyone either wishes for or dreads - randomly running into the ex-love who you're not completely over. It's hard to tell if Shannon has actually bumped into the guy or if she's just thinking about it, but either way this is a beautiful song.

8. "The Bleeding Heart Show," The New Pornographers (2005) - We hunched together in one chair out on the deck/In snow that froze and fell down on the modern set/It looked as if I picked your name out of a hat/Next thing you know you are asleep in someone's lap

This is one of those songs that always gives me goosebumps. It's so brilliantly crafted. I love how it begins slow and gloomy, then gradually builds until it just erupts into an all-out singalong. I couldn't believe when it showed up in commercials for the University of Phoenix. I guess those "hey-las" are pretty irresistible though. I don't think they're enough to make someone go to Internet college instead of a real one, but I don't have the enrollment figures, so what do I know?

9. "Thumbing My Way," Pearl Jam (2002) - I let go of a rope thinking that's what held me back/And in time I've realized it's now wrapped around my neck/I can't see what's next from this lonely overpass/Hang my head and count my steps as another car goes past

I know you're thinking that I already put several Pearl Jam songs on BOTH of my lists, so they really shouldn't get an honorable mention. You're free to think that. But you've clearly forgotten whose blog you're reading. And this song is sad and beautiful and just plain AMAZING, so it deserves a mention. The only reason it didn't make my Decade list is because it wasn't a single.

10. "You Really Wake Up The Love In Me," The Duke Spirit (2008) - Yes I want your token of honour babe/I like to make us both feel the same way/Oh you'll always seek to remember/Don't be too scared away, you only burned your tongue/You taste so good today, you'd get love from anyone

I think I discovered this British band after I had already made my Best of 2008 list last year, so this song unfortunately didn't make the cut. I've really been digging them lately, and this track is a pretty good representation of their sound. And I love all the do-doo-do-dos. Are do-doos better than hey-las? I don't know. Let's just call it a tie.

...and The One That Got Away From the Best of 2009 List:

11. "A Whole Lot Better," Brendan Benson - Take a seat, 'cause there's something I wanna say/Take it easy, don't take it the wrong way/I feel a whole lot better when you're not around

Even though it was released in August, I just discovered Brendan's newest solo record, My Old, Familiar Friend, last week through my roommate. I had never heard of him before he joined The Raconteurs, and just assumed his solo work was similar to their stuff, which I like, but figured there was enough rockin' alt-country in the world that I didn't need to go searching for more. Duhhh. Now, don't I feel stupid! I had no idea this guy was some sort of power pop genius. In a very short time, I've fallen in love with this record. So much so that I had a hard time picking out my favorite song. I eventually picked the lead-off track because it makes me sing along the loudest. But do yourselves a favor and go pick up this record. It's like an explosion of Britpop-meets-American garage rock awesomeness.

Support these great artists by purchasing their music!

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

After a two-week holiday hiatus, the forgotten classic video makes its triumphant return!

And I've got a good one for all you good girls and boys who have been so patient. (Look, just let me pretend that you've all been practicing "patience" instead of "not caring.") It's good because it's another of those truly forgotten least for me. My bro, J-Fred, played this for me while I was home for Christmas and I nearly shat in his computer chair when the music started. Because neither the band name The Refreshments nor the song title "Banditos" meant anything to me, yet I recognized the song IMMEDIATELY.

I'm really amazed that this one-hit wonder was completely purged from my memory, for several reasons. 1) I always liked it and it was on MTV and the radio ALL. THE. DAMN. TIME. 2) The album it comes from had one of the best titles of the '90s: Fizzy Fuzzy Big & Buzzy. 3) The lead singer (Roger Clyne, who has built up quite a following with his new band The Peacemakers) is pretty cute in a "silly frat boy-meets-John Corbett-meets-the more attractive/less douchey third cousin (on his mother's side) of Scott Stapp" sort of way.

And just so you don't forget another Pop Eye classic, some other refreshments have a message for you:

Let's all enter the contest, Let's all enter the contest, Let's all enter the contest,  'cause captioning is neat!

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Don't Look Now LiLo, But Someone Is Trying To Steal Your Thunder

If any of you weren't sure that Tila Tequila is a truly disgusting individual, you haven't been reading her Twitter feed. And that's probably good for you because, after doing so, I now feel twice as disgusting. Perhaps I caught something just by looking at the screen. It feels like some awful combination of famewhorrhosis and crotch rot.

As you've all probably already heard by now, Tila's supposed fiancée Casey Johnson was found dead in her home on Monday morning (and apparently had been dead for days before the body was discovered). Now, I know we all deal with grief in different ways, but if your fiancée just died, would you tweet that grief every hour and then get into a third grade bitch-fight with a gossip blogger?? No? Congratulations, you are a normal person. Tila Tequila is not. Take a look at some of her tweets after Casey's body was found:

Jan. 4
3:37 pm - Been jetsetting all over the holidays time to finally go home I feel naustious
5:37 pm - Everyone please pray 4 my Wifey Casey Johnson. She has passed away. Thank u for all ur love and support but I will be offline to be w family
6:24 pm - This is a very heartbreaking time for me. I just want some pricacy as I deal with the loss of my Fiance Casey Johnson. I'm heart is shredded
6:30 pm - I just got news that my fiance is not dead but currently in a coma!!! Omg please pray that she will make it! Hang in there my love please!!!
6:33 pm - I know u can feel me Casey! Dot let go! I'm almost home baby please hang on! We have a beautiful life planned out for us! I LOVE u! Hang on!
7:02 pm - I'm still in shock! Once again thank U for the outpour of love and support. I just wish to have some privacy at this heartbreaking time.
7:09 pm - R.I.P my Angel. @caseyjonsonJnJ u will forever be in my heart! I love u so so much and we will Marry when I see U in Heaven my Wifey

Jan. 5
1:15 am - I can't stop these haunting visions of her and I. We made such a lovely couple, only beginning to spend the rest of our lives together...
1-ish am - I miss her so much. Can't stop crying. Haven't slept for days....My entire house is filled with her stuff. Im in bed without her here...
2-ish am - All of her doggies are still at my house. Friends & family just came by and we appreciate everyones support during this heartbreaking time.
5-ish am - Just Leave Us Alone!!! - - Retweet
7-ish am - I shouldn't be on the net but this is the only place I can find some temporary solace. I miss her so much. Sooooo much. Didn't get 2 say bye
7-ish am - We used to tweet each other @caseyjonsonJnJ while laying right next to each other in our bedroom. But now I tweet alone.. unbearable pain.


HOLY. SHIT. Is this broad kidding? First of all, these two were so in love, yet Tila went off "jetsetting" and partying without her beloved "Wifey" on New Year's Eve? And what's up with all of the "coma" crap? From the very first reports, Casey was pronounced dead at the scene. She had been dead for days. Are we really supposed to believe that someone led Tila to believe that her gf was only in a coma? It sounds like she just quickly scanned one of the stories that revealed Casey's history of diabetic comas.

I really don't want to be a completely callous bitch and immediately assume the worst, but it seems clear to me that Tila is just using this as yet another opportunity to grab the spotlight. Her fiancée is dead, but it's still all about HER. Seriously, she said she was going to be offline to be with family and then was tweeting again less than an hour later? And she refuses to stop tweeting, yet begs for privacy. O...K. The funniest part is her claim that the Internet is the only place she can "find temporary solace." Yes, because people on the Internet (like me!) are all so nice and very sympathetic to her. Good Lord.

While looking for solace, Tila found Perez Hilton tweeting stuff like: "I'm amazed you're not broadcasting live, showing us you're 'grieving'! That's totally something trash like you would do!" and "Tweet away, honey. The more you Tweet, the more your true colors reveal themselves. And they are vile!" So, instead of just ignoring him (because as annoying as Perez is, being annoying is pretty much his job) or issuing one statement, she settled in for an all-out twat battle.

And suddenly, it's no longer about her deep and all-consuming grief, but what it's always about—herself. After bashing her former pal Perez for most of the day, she tried to slickly segue into some shameless self promotion: "On my new Gossip Blog, u get EXCLUSIVE MATERIAL & I won't lie to my readers like @perezhilton does. Never. My Gossip site will shit on his!" Niiiice.

Then, about two hours ago, Tila said she was signing off because she has so much to do tomorrow, yet has continued to retweet supportive messages from the "Tila Army" (really? can't we send them to Iraq?) and cut and paste more hollow "Wifey" comments.

Of course, the big question is: Why do we even know who this skank is to begin with? I think that there needs to be some sort of tabloid and blog council that periodically evaluates the entertainment value and general worth of celebutards, and the ones who are deemed "obsolete" (just like that old Twilight Zone episode) are stripped of their fame (since we might not get away with actually killing them, like in that Twilight Zone episode). The council could then impose sanctions on any media outlets who continue to cover these blacklisted ex-celebs.

Because as fun as it is making fun of these wackos, there is a big difference between Tila Tequila and Lindsay Lohan. LiLo actually had a career once upon a time. She was an actress. She became famous for a real reason. Tila became famous for no reason. No good one, anyway.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Lindsay Lohan: New Year, Same Old Crazy

Oh, LiLo. How can we ever get down about the passage of time when we know that she will always be here to keep life interesting? While we were all busy making half-assed and halfhearted New Year's resolutions, here's what everyone's favorite Firecrotch (sorry, WWW) has been up to:

12/30/09 - Revealed plans that DNMA Apparel is actually insane enough to manufacture her latest huge, embarrassing failure of a clothing line. The savvy business woman in Linz made the official announcement via—what else—Twitter: "i need MORE followers i am so sad about this, how can i tell everyone about my 6126 full collection COMING OUT! all clothing.” Yeah, how will she ever get the word out?? Has she forgotten that every time she sneezes, there are about 250 reporters standing there, each holding out a Kleenex? (I was going to use the funnier shit/toilet paper analogy, but then I remembered that you can't shit if you don't eat.)

12/31/09 - Spent NYE at Russell Simmons' party in St. Barth's. It must have been Dullsville, man, because LiLo spent most of the night tweeting. (Just add Twitter to her long list of crippling addictions. Does Dr. Drew have a special rehab for that?) Here goes:

Starting my new year off with friends & family, the way it should be….. No boyfriends and the other drama.” Other drama = snorting lines off of random lesbians' asses?

Wishing everyone a blessed new year in 2010! Everyone get ready for more (but positive-LOHAN MAYHEM!!!!!!!!) Thanks for all of your support!” To which Spongebob tweeted "I'm ready! Skank mayhem! I'm ready! Skank mayhem!" Meanwhile, I scratched my head wondering, "Whose support? What is she talking about? She does read the blogs, doesn't she?

Me, HOV, beyoncé, Ali Lohan, @paufdenkamp @jessicaschul usher and many more ringin’ in the new year coz THAT’S WASSUP.” The name-dropping would be annoying if I knew who most of them were. HOV? Was she partying in the carpool lane?

@cash_warren St Barths we GO HARD :) LOL”. I guess she decided that denying she screwed around with Jessica Alba's husband wasn't helping her career at all. Hmm, time for a cryptic tweet to make all the h8rs start gossiping again!

1/1/09 - Hung out on a yacht in St. Barth's. Tweeted: “My new years resolution is to stop letting the lucky few that have my heart, try2 constantly tear me down.” Translation: Get off my back, loved ones! You're sitting on the monkey!

She also posted this photo (never before has the term "twitpic" been so apt) to let all the shawties know she was on a boat, she was on a boat, look at her cause she was sailing on a boat. I'm sure to some people, this shot is sexy and glamorous, but to me it just looks like the last known photo of some drunk broad right before Filipino pirates abducted and sold her to a prostitution ring.

Oh, hey another twitpic of yacht madness. Hmm, maybe my Filipino prostitution ring theory isn't far off.

1/2/09—1/3/09 - No tweets. Probably catatonic.

1/4/09 - Tweeted (well, re-tweeted a Samantha Ronson tweet) about Casey Johnson: "Am so sick of those 3 letters, so tired of losing friends to something as senseless as a drug overdose. WAKE UP people." Um, Linz? Do you not think that maybe SamRo was talking about YOU, too?

1/5/09 - Spotted yakking on the phone while crying alligator tears. Apparently, she's upset because her friend Patrick "Pootie" Aufdenkamp (aha! one name from the NYE party list figured out) allegedly stole her sketches to create his own fashion line. I guess that proves my long-standing belief that you never trust a guy named Pootie. But something tells me that Pootie will be the one crying after he debuts that turd of a line. How bad of a designer must this guy be if he can't come up with better ideas than Lindsay Lohan?


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine