American Idol 10: 3/31/11 Results

PLINK...PLINK...PLINK...PLINK...

Do you hear that? It's the dramatic piano of doom. Even though the overpaid graphics department tells us that we "won't believe who's going home," I would bet all of Paul's Crest Whitestrips that we'll be saying "see ya" to Thia Megia.

PLINK...PLINK...PLINK...PLINK...

Thia, send not to know for whom the key plinks...it plinks for thee.

As for the other cast-offs, well, I'm not entirely confident in my predictions but we'll see how it goes.

Apparently, Idol blew the special guest budget on Jamie Foxx and will.i.am, because we have to be entertained by the current Idolettes and a former one—Fantasia. Oh joy. Can't wait for her newest song, which I'm guessing is titled, "Yeah Yeah Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah YEAAAH!"

The Idolettes have been put into groups to perform and then hear their results. First up are Scotty and Lauren singing the Carrie Underwood/Randy Travis duet, "I Told You So." They sound decent enough together, I suppose. To no one's surprise, both of them are safe.

I know I said I was going to stop acknowledging the Ford commercials, but this week's is so supremely awful that it must be mentioned. Set to one of the biggest musical turds of all-time, "Kryptonite," it fittingly features the Idolettes as superheroes. Naima is like Halle Berry's lamewad X-Men character, whose superpower is faking a Jamaican accent. She can also save people from a burning building just by yelling, "OOOH, FIRE!" Jacob is like that girl from The Incredibles who makes force fields. He uses his powers for good: to save James Durbin's Grimley 'do from being flattened by a hail storm. And Casey is Colitis Boy, who, luckily, has super speed. 'Cause when he's gotta go, he's gotta go. As for Scotty, he don't need no dang superheroes no how, 'cause he's from the country and is used to doing thangs fer hisself. So when a streetlight threatens to take out his new Ford, well, shucks, he just moves it up yonder a piece!

Back in the studio, mere mortal James reveals to Seacrest that he received a custom-made WWE belt from a fan. A fan with waaaay too much disposable income. What do you think is a worse fate: becoming a crazy cat lady or an obsessed Idol worshipper? I'm thinking the latter, because at least cats will love you back. Well, as much as a cat can love anything. Stupid cats.

Naima and Jacob switch gender roles to sing Ashford and Simpson's "Solid," and it's anything but. I mean, I give them an A for effort but an E for ehhhh. When they head to center stage, Ryan reveals that Naima is in the Bottom 3. Not surprising. I'm 1-1 so far.

After many threats, Seacrest finally brings out Fantasia to sing about collard greens and cornbread, and it's times like this when I really miss Simon. This definitely calls for that famous WTF look. Judging from the get-up, 'Tasia (and no one else) thinks she's a pinup girl. And she's stealing all of McSparkleteeth's audience shout-outs! I'm guessing that Fanny had about 10 servings of cornbread before hitting the stage tonight. Still not satisfied, she unhinges her jaw and shoves an entire sweet potato pie into her cavernous mouth. Ryan then approaches and slowly intones, "Fantasia, YOU are in the Bottom 3."

Wait. Some of that may have been a daydream. My mind started to wander a little bit.

I'll give Fantasia this: she actually gives the Idolettes relatively good advice, by telling them to surround themselves with people who are honest and won't just kiss your ass and be yes men. I mean, it's not Earth-shattering advice, but since AI guest stars can usually only manage to cough up a "Be yourself" or "Love what you do" while trying to pimp their latest record, it was a refreshingly thoughtful bit of guidance.

Haley, Thia and Pia follow that display with a cover of Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream." Right out of the gate, Haley screws up the words and then just barks, growls and grins, content in the knowledge that America can always be fooled into thinking that whoever was in the pimp spot on performance night was actually worth voting for. As if we didn't all already know that Thia was in danger, she's the only one in the trio who doesn't get a solo part. Sure enough, Pia and Haley are sent back to safety and Thia joins Naima on the uncomfortable stools.

Kris Allen in the hizzy! I can almost see your baffled expressions, readers. Kris Allen. You know him. He's that white guy with the dark hair who won. No, not that one. The other one. NO, not THAT one. The OTHER one. That's right. The gay guy didn't win that year. Seriously.

When one doesn't book enough guests, one must rely on other means of time-wasting entertainment. Roll the Idol home movies! We're all treated to a video package that shows just how hard the Idolettes have it. They have to spend long hours in the studio, recording. They have to take private jets to Phoenix to perform at charity events. They meet Muhammad Ali and have to pretend like they know who he is. They have to do the Ford commercial. (OK, so I do feel bad for them on that one.) They have to move out of their mansion when it springs several leaks. (Come on, we all know the real reason: ghosts!) They have to pretend to be concerned and not laugh hysterically when Lauren falls down the steps and right on her ass. They have to select what they'll perform each week from a really long list of, like, 20 songs! Songs by people they've never heard of!! THAT'S HARD!! They have to get thurr hair did. They have to rehearse with Marc Anthony and pretend not to be grossed out by his skeletal frame. They have to endure more hyperbole about THE GREATEST SAVE IN THE HISTORY OF THE SHOW...and so do we.

Formed a band, James formed a band. Look at him. James formed a band! (This will kill with Art Brut fans.) James, Paul, Casey and Ringo Stefano perform "Band on the Run" like it's the talent show at the Marlton Charter School for the Deaf. Holy hell, this is terrible. Didn't Jimmy Iovine and his stable of producers at least put these kids through a Harmony 101 class before shoving them out on stage together? James actually sounds really good on his solo parts, but anytime they're all singing together, it's pure torture.

The guys head to center stage and Seacrest announces that Casey and James are safe, and that Dancing Paul—not Stefano as I'd expected—is in the Bottom 3.

Before getting to the final results, we simply must be assaulted by the musical stylings of Jamie Foxx and will.i.am. They bring a bit of Carnival to the stage as part of a giant plug for their new film, Rio, which I was saddened to find out is an animated film and not a Duran Duran documentary. Man, this song has the dumbest lyrics I've heard since "Collard Greens and Cornbread." Hmm, you know what though? If Naima gets booted, she can always get a job as one of these crazy backup dancers.

Naima will probably be handing her resume to Jamie Foxx very soon because Paul is proclaimed safe, which means that she (along with Thia) is indeed out. I'm not sad to see Thia go, but I really enjoyed Naima and her FIRE. Here's hoping she gets to perform at the Finale with Jimmy Cliff.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.

American Idol 10: Don't Shoot Me, I'm Only The Recapper

American Idol begins by thumping its chest proudly about last week's AMAZING, HISTORIC show. Set to some quasi-dramatic music, we are reminded that the quality of mercy is not strain'd. It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the Idol stage. It is twice blest: it blesseth the judges that give and him (Casey) that takes. Then, important words fill our screens...

HOPE HAS BEEN RENEWED.

BUT NO MORE SECOND CHANCES.

Dun-dun-duuuuunnnnnnn! You know, I'm still waiting for the day when the lowest vote-getter is executed live on stage. It could happen. I've seen The Running Man. I've read Harrison Bergeron.

Some of you may remember that I went to see Elton John last week on AI's Motown night, so I'm a little annoyed that Idol waited until this week to have its Sir Elton theme. (I just like when my real life and TV life get all matchy-matchy.) But the memory of the show is still fresh, so let's see how these kids stack up to the real deal, eh?

The Idolettes' video packages tonight focus on their recent photo shoot with Entertainment Weekly.

Up first is the "naturally elegant" Scotty McCreery. I'm not kidding. Someone called him that. I'm immediately reminded of how brilliant I am when Scotty announces he's singing "Country Comfort," a song choice I predicted immediately upon discovering the theme. Obviously, Scotty has been taking performance tips from McSparkleteeth, as he shouts out, "Love ya, Grandma" in the middle of the song. I'm also amused when he sings the line, "the sweetest sound my ears have ever known," because those ears have heard a lot. Hell, he can probably hear me typing right now. Anyway, Scotty sounds like he always sounds and the judges love him like they always love him. Seacrest pretty much explains how I figured out Scotty would sing this song: "It's a song with 'country' in the title." Yep, he's just that predictable.

Naima Adedapo chooses one that Elton skipped last week, "I'm Still Standing," as something of an ode to herself. She decides to turn it into a reggae tune for some reason. Perhaps "Jamaica Jerk-Off" wasn't on the list? Jimmy Iovine basically writes her a spoken intro, dedicating this song to all the people out there who are still standing or some such nonsense. Because having someone tell you to dedicate a song and whom to dedicate it to makes it that much more heartfelt. I'm not wild about the fake Jamaican accent Naima has adopted, but I actually think this song translates really well to this style. This may not be Naima's best vocal performance ever but it's entertaining, and I love her jumpsuit. Plus, she brings back the "OOH, FIRE!" catch phrase that she introduced during her cover of "Umbrella." J.Lo contradicts me by saying that this song isn't suited for a reggae treatment. Well, Jenny from the block clearly has rocks in her head. She, of course, interrupts Randy, who can barely get out that he thinks Naima's performance was "corny," but lets Steven get through his whole monologue of nothing.

So...how y'all doing so far this evening? Y'all ready for Paul McDonald? He's decided to rock the faux Gram Parsons suit once again for his cover of "Rocket Man." I love Paul's reasoning for choosing this song: because his band tried to play it once before and they effed it up. Great! Surprisingly, this is not terrible. But then it gets kind of comical. And then he pretends to fellate the microphone for the last "long...long....time," ending on this really weird, Hannibal Lecter-ish whisper. So, OK, I give up. I used to hate McSparkleteeth because of how horrible he is but the guy makes me laugh like hell (albeit unintentionally), so I think I might be starting to like him. He's such an oddball. Like, when Seacrest is talking to him about his performance, it's clear that, in his mind, Paul is not on Idol—he's in the middle of a full-length, imaginary concert. Randy starts to say something about pitchiness when Jennifer butts her giant ass into his critique again. Steven just wants to know if Paul has been watering his suit. He also says that singers who miss notes are awesome. Then when J.Lo tries to talk, Steven and Randy both interrupt. She doesn't look happy.

Can you believe that Pia Toscano is doing another ballad? It's like finding out that Seacrest just renewed his yearly tanning pass. Shocking! Jimmy tells Pia to knock Randy out of his chair for daring to suggest that she, a ballad-based diva, should try to mix it up and show her versatility on the show. Of course, she does knock Randy out of his chair, or blow him out of his box, or whatever the appropriate phrase is. Steven suggests that "some people" might have been wrong about the no-more-ballads thing. Randy is like, hey everyone knows you can sing, we just want more variety...NOW GET OFF MY ASS, EVERYONE. I've already forgotten J.Lo's comments, but I do notice that she's basically wearing the purple version of Pia's photo shoot dress.

Like any good short Italian guy would, Stefano Langone chooses to sing the Elton classic, "Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza." Although I quite liked Stefano in the beginning stages of the competition, he's lost me. Last week wasn't great and I'm just not feeling it tonight. This song is all wrong for his voice. Not impressed. And I'm definitely not impressed by his feeble attempt to pick up J.Lo at the end of the song. But Jennifer loves when any attention is directed her way, so she loves the performance. She and Randy both claim that Stefano made a real connection with the audience and Steven is all, yeah, me too, nice things, whatever. Howie Mandel tries to lure Stefano's dad into helping him plug his new show, Mobbed. I think I heard Mr. Langone say, Heyyy, I ain't got nothing to do with that. I'm a legitimate businessman.

Lauren Alaina feels very connected to "Candle in the Wind." Apparently, she too has always seen Marilyn Monroe as something more than sexual. The song lends itself nicely to the countrified arrangement and Lauren sings it really well. And it's a good thing that her vocals are on point tonight because she looks like a baby hooker. Also, can Ryan please stop engaging her in conversation? If Idol wants people to like this girl, they should never let her speak ever again. Never. Ever. The judges salivate all over Lauren and Steven finally comes to life and tells her, "Keep singing like that, and you'll be able to afford the rest of that dress." See, Tyler? Isn't it so much more fun when you don't just sit there nodding, agreeing with Randy and saying "great" and "beautiful" all the time??

Another song choice I correctly predicted is James Durbin's. He goes for the rocker, "Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting)," even though it's Wednesday. What a rebel! He wanders around the audience before hitting the stage with a DLR-style air split. And then by the power of his hand, the piano bursts into flames. Sweet. Despite some general cheesiness and a few painful shrieks, I actually like this performance overall. And I'm so happy to finally know some of the lyrics (Ohhhh—"We had it with your discipline!") that I've never understood before (and never bothered to look up). Sir Elton isn't exactly the greatest enunciator. Steven warns James not to "stay up there too long," referring to who knows what. Because everyone gets the same amount of time to perform, right? He's bats. J.Lo thinks it was a "full performance" and Randy gives it a great³. Ryan starts having heart palpitations when James mentions Pepsi (as part of a Michael Jackson hair reference that whooshed right over the Idiot Pit's heads), then quickly reminds everyone that the show is sponsored by COKE. THE REAL THING. DON'T DRINK PEPSI. IT'S BAD! THAT SHIT WILL MESS YOU UP!! Then Ryan runs off stage to beg the Coke goons waiting in the wings not to beat him with the hose again.

I was 90% sure that Thia Megia would sing "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" or something equally lame, but she surprises me by picking "Daniel." Well, not as surprised as I would have been had she picked, say, "Philadelphia Freedom." I mean, it is still a ballad. And Thia does a decent job with it, but she is just dull, dull, dull. The only moment of true pleasure I get from this performance is the delicious irony of this mannequin singing about someone whose "eyes have died." However, Jennifer thinks it was beautiful and Steven says, "You sang a great Elton John song well." Wow, how insightful! As is so often the case this year, Randy is the only one to say anything remotely negative, mainly that this is another "safe" song choice for Thia.

Casey Abrams (HE WHO WAS SAVED) is singing "Your Song." Yes, it's yours. Go ahead, you can tell everybody. Casey is showing off his newly de-puffed beard along with his softer side this evening. He sounds pretty good, but still manages to squeeze out a few grunts and growls here and there. Randy, Steven and Jennifer take turns patting each other on the back for having made THE GREATEST SAVE IN THE HISTORY OF HISTORY last week.

Jacob Lusk's decision to cover "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word" is rather predictable. I was holding out hope that he'd somehow get "The Bitch is Back" past the producers, but that's a dream for another day. Jacob had previously only heard the Mary J. Blige version of the song and, hey, guess what? Mary J. Blige just happens to be wandering around the studio! I don't think I've heard her version, but Jacob's is just fine. He reins it in when he'd normally go over-the-top and, consequently, off-key, which apparently doesn't sit well with Randy. He wants more screaming.

Well, well...Haley Reinhart (and apparently Jimmy Iovine) is into "hardcore bangage." Her words, kids. Watch it back. She tries to reimagine The Fabulous Baker Boys with her in the Michelle Pfeiffer role as she shouts and growls through "Bennie and the Jets." What's most annoying about Haley is that I can hear some really good qualities in her voice, but she just tries to do so many things at once that it comes out as a big ol' mess. Luckily, this isn't one of my favorite Elton songs, so I'm not too terribly upset that she's brutally raping it. J.Lo shrieks, "That was IT, Haley!!" Randy gives Haley the Best Performance of the Night badge because she yelled the loudest. Steven manages to barf up a half-sentence, "You...sing...sexy." Ugh. I'm not sure why, but the judges and producers love this chick and know that hardly anyone else does, so they put her in the pimp spot tonight to make sure she sticks around.

Am I the only one who's a little disappointed no one gave "I'm Going to Be a Teenage Idol" a whirl? Yeah, it's a deep cut, but so what?

Because of HE WHO WAS SAVED, two people will be going home tomorrow night. Who will it be? Could fan favorite Scotty possibly end up in the Bottom 3 because he went first? Or is he one of those guys like Adam Lambert, who is immune to the lead-off spot of doom? A "shocker" like having Scotty in the B3 could certainly generate more attention, which is what the producers want. But after last week's manufactured drama, I think this week might be a little more straightforward. I'm guessing that Naima, Stefano and Thia will be in the Bottom 3, and only Naima will survive.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.

Who Wants to Be a Screenwriter? (Part Trois)

Bo Catlett: "You have the idea and you put down what you want to say. Then you get somebody to add in the commas and shit...you come to the last page, you write in 'Fade out' and that's the end, you're done."

Thanks to the constant stream of unoriginal movie reboots of TV classics (or not-so-classics), I've developed several of my own movie treatments over the years. This has become something of a recurring (albeit sporadically) feature so, to fully bathe in my genius, you'll need to read (or revisit) Part Un and Part Deux.

Since Hollywood has shown no signs of stopping its TV invasion (Channing Tatum in a 2012 version of 21 Jump Street...REALLY???), I’m continuing to offer my own ideas. Once again, I’m extending an invitation to all of the soulless screenwriters out there to partner up so I, er, we can get rich quick with these future cinematic masterpieces.

* Charles in Charge

Starring: Aaron Johnson as Charles, Meg Ryan as Ellen Powell, Jesse Eisenberg as Buddy Lembeck, Emma Stone as Gwendolyn Pierce, and Scott Baio as Walter Powell

Thriller: When the Pembroke family places an ad to find a live-in nanny, charming young Rutgers student, Charles, shows up on their doorstep. After getting the job, he moves in and quickly wins over the family and neighbors, including Gwen, the pretty girl-next-door, and Buddy, the party boy-down-the-street. Suddenly, the Pembrokes are called away to Seattle (ostensibly due to Mr. Pembroke's new job), leaving Charles in charge of finding a sublettor until they return.

Enter the Powells: Walter, Ellen and their three young children. Like everyone else, they are charmed by Charles...until Walter starts to feel like the young man is undermining his relationships with his wife and kids. When Walter is found dead—an apparent suicide—a devastated Ellen turns to the boyishly handsome manny for comfort. Gwen feels uneasy when she starts to see some cracks in her "perfect" boyfriend's behavior, like the creepy way he refers to the Powell children as "his." When she spies Charles and Ellen in bed together, she starts to think that Charles is not who he seems to be and turns to Buddy for help. When the two teens try to track down Mr. Powell at his new company in Seattle, they discover not only that he doesn't work there, but also that the family seems to have vanished without a trace. Suspecting that Charles killed the Powells, Gwen and Buddy head to the Pembroke home, armed with a plan to trick Charles into revealing his guilt. But when the wily Charles realizes that his friends are on to him, a dangerous game of cat-and-mouse ensues behind the doors of the seemingly peaceful suburban home.

* Quantum Leap

Starring: Hugh Jackman as Sam Beckett, Gary Oldman as Al Calavicci, Sandra Bullock as Tina Reynolds, Jason Segel as Gooshie, and Denzel Washington as the voice of Ziggy

Mindless SFX Extravaganza: Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Dr. Sam Beckett stepped into the Quantum Leap Accelerator and vanished. He woke to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not his own, and driven by an unknown force to change history for the better. His only guide on this journey is Al, an observer from his own time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Sam can see and hear. And so Dr. Beckett finds himself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.

Yes...THAT, plus a shit-ton of digital manipulation, explosions, morphings, 3-D effects and, of course, a romantic angle. While Sam meets a lot of lovely ladies on his trek through time, he always stays faithful to his true love, Tina, who is waiting patiently for him at home. Or is she?? Perhaps she'll fall prey to the charms of Al, who is Tina's only present-day connection to Sam? Perhaps she'll fall prey to the weird charms of Gooshie, the QL project's head programmer? Perhaps she'll be kidnapped and/or killed by a half man-half robot, rogue time traveler from the future who somehow got sucked up into the QL Accelerator and is now really pissed off about it? Perhaps the plot will be inconsequential because Hugh Jackman will be shirtless for 70% of the film? Perhaps one Hugh shower scene won't be enough, so I'll throw in one more?

* Too Close for Comfort

Starring: John Mahoney as Henry Rush, Kathy Bates as Muriel Rush, Mandy Moore as Jackie Rush, Drew Barrymore as Sara Rush, James Franco as Monroe, Victor Garber as Ted Day, and RuPaul as Myron Rafkin

Comedy/Light-hearted gay sex romp: Things are starting to get a bit cramped for the Rush family. Conservative comic strip artist Henry and his liberal wife Muriel are sharing a small upstairs apartment in a chic San Francisco home with their two twentysomething daughters, Jackie and Sara, who want their independence but have no money to make that happen. When the transvestite tenant downstairs dies (something lame like a drag-racing accident...get it?), Henry allows the girls to take the apartment rent-free. The girls keep all of the former tenant's wacky furniture and decor intact, much to Henry's chagrin. The ghost of Myron frequently appears to the girls to share makeup and fashion tips, all the while shooting off sassy one liners about the afterlife.

Sara meets the airheaded Monroe in her drama class and immediately develops a crush on him. During a HILARIOUS family dinner scene full of double entendres and misunderstandings, Henry makes it known how happy he is that Sara has found herself a man, but Monroe drops the big bombshell that he is gay. Although Henry seems sickened by Monroe's sexual orientation, Monroe's gaydar picks up on Henry's repressed homosexual longings. The two men strike up a father/son friendship, and Henry eventually opens up to Monroe about his true desires. Muriel admits that part of her always knew that Henry was gay but she didn't want to break up the family. As fate would have it, Muriel's high school sweetheart, Ted Day, finds her on Facebook and they rekindle their old flame. Henry starts dating a club owner, and then everything just devolves into a lot of sexual exploration, singing, dancing, roller skating, flashy clothes and general awesomeness. In the end, Henry takes the "gayed up" downstairs apartment, while Muriel's high school sweetheart moves in with her upstairs, which frees up high school sweetheart's amazing houseboat for the two girls. The houseboat ends up serving as the perfect location for the best divorce/coming out party ever. Everyone is happy, everyone is gay (or at least gay-friendly). The soundtrack is incredible, of course, especially the theme song by Lady Gaga and Bette Midler.

* Barney Miller

Comedy: In late 1970s Manhattan, Barney Miller is the Vice Squad's lead investigator, who seems to be on the verge of a promotion now that the current captain, Philip Fish, is nearing retirement. When feminism struts into the police station in the form of ambitious female detective Victoria Van de Camp, Barney and the rest of his guys take turns making feeble passes at her and doing their best to keep her doing paperwork and investigating "girly" crimes. Barney and Victoria eventually fall for each other, causing Barney to think that she'll settle for a life at home as his little woman. But soon Victoria proves that she's serious about her career when she solves a huge case on her own. Thinking that she is gunning for the captain job, Barney turns from Victoria's lover to her bitter rival and hijinx ensues!

Why, yes...it is quite similar to Anchorman. Thanks for noticing! (Hey, at least I stopped ripping off Dodgeball.) This one also boasts a somewhat familiar, all-star cast:

Jason Sudeikis as Barney Miller

Elizabeth Banks as Victoria Van de Camp

Robert Duvall as Captain Fish

Paul Rudd as Stanley Wojciehowicz

Vince Vaughn as Arthur Dietrich

Steve Carell as Carl Levitt

Tim Meadows as Ron Harris

Ken Jeong as Nick Yemana

Luis Guzman as Chano Amanguale

Fred Willard as Frank Luger

One Ticket to Planet Rock, Please

I'm not sure why it took me, like, three months to find this but I'm so glad I did. Behold the magic of John Jacobson, the Double Dream Hands guy.

American Idol 10: 3/24/11 Results

It's an Idol miracle! It's been revealed that Marc Anthony gave all of the Idolettes special, magic earpieces so that they could properly hear themselves while performing this week! Apparently this is why some people didn't suck as badly as usual last night! Hallelujah!!

Ohhh, you probably thought I was talking about that OTHER Idol miracle. Yeah, I'll get to that. I have to Seacrest this a bit though. (If "Seacrest" isn't listed in the urban dictionary as "waste time" or "pad with nonsense" or "drag things out needlessly," it really should be.)

Tonight's group sing of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" was more tragic than usual. When they weren't taking turns screaming, everyone kept playing hide and seek with the melody. Thank goodness Stevie Wonder showed up to clean that mess up. He did my favorite of his songs, "Signed, Sealed, Delivered I'm Yours" before launching into a "Happy Birthday" serenade to Steven Tyler, who just turned sixty-freaking-three. But he doesn't look a day over fabulous! (See what I did there?)

The Ford commercial was awful, as always. I'm just not even going to bother mentioning them anymore.

Ryan summoned Lauren, Pia and Scotty to center stage and tried to fake them out. We all knew none of them were going anywhere except back to the comfy couch, but nice try, Ry Ry.

Sugarland performed their new song, "Stuck Like Glue," following in a long tradition of special musical guests who have nothing to do with the week's theme. I kind of like this band, but I didn't dig this song. Was Jennifer Nettles trying to be reggae? And what the hell was she wearing? Was that a black diaper? Did she drive her time machine back to her part-time job at Units right after the show?

A video package showed how all the boys shared a love of professional wrestling. Then, when Ryan called James (the biggest wrestling fan) and Paul out to center stage, he told them they weren't safe. But he just meant that they weren't safe from Hulkamania running wild. James nearly peed his pants when Hulk Hogan came out to announce that he and Paul were both headed for the Idol tour. Then the Hulkster gave Seacrest some sort of wrestling bitch-slap and it was the first time I ever felt genuinely disappointed that wrestling is fake.

Jacob, Thia and Stefano were called out next. Jacob was the only one safe, making me 2-2 with my predictions. Sadly, I didn't go 3-3. Somehow Casey was put in the Bottom 3 instead of Haley.

Jennifer Hudson returned to the Idol stage to perform her new song, "Where You At." J-Hud looked great but I just wasn't feeling that song. But hey, she had George Huff singing backup!

Ryan finally got around to the final results. He let Thia off the hook first, leaving it between Casey and Stefano. When Seacrest announced that Casey was the lowest vote-getter, gasps abounded. It sounded like 5,000 David Archuletas in that studio. Casey was then forced to sing for his life. Oh, what a terrible turn of events! It's only the Top 11! The judges would never use their ONE save this early in the game! Casey is surely toast! It's just like that time Yukon Cornelius fell off that cliff with the Bumble! CASEY!!! He's gone! Oh, he's GONE!!!

But wait! You can't count our dear friend Casey out just yet. Didn't I ever tell you about Bumbles? Bumbles bounce!

And the judges bounce, too. They bounced Casey right back into the competition. Hell, he only had to sing a few bars before Randy waved for him to stop. THE JUDGES DIDN'T NEED CASEY TO PROVE ANYTHING TO THEM, DAMMIT! THEY KNOW WHO HE IS!! THEY KNOW WHAT HE MEANS TO THIS COMPETITION...AND TO THE WORLD!!! He will be the first Idolette to be saved this early in the game! He will force us to re-examine everything we thought we knew about life when he becomes the first member of the Top 11 to ever join the Idol tour!

Ah, this would all be so great if it weren't so scripted, wouldn't it?

I don't think Casey knew anything about it (although his twitchy display of shock and gratitude was a bit over-the-top and had me worried that I was about to witness an actual death), but the producers, Seacrest and the judges sure did. I'm not necessarily suggesting that Casey didn't really get the lowest number of votes (but I've long believed that the "voting results" aren't always legit). I'm just saying that as soon as they knew one way or another that Casey was going to be the one on the chopping block, they concocted this ZOMG, SHOCKER! to help boost ratings and maybe sell some tickets to the tour. I mean, come on, that moment was so contrived. Wasn't it? Or am I just, as Steven Tyler might say, j-j-j-jaded?

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.

American Idol 10: It's The Same Old Song

Before I get on with the (already delayed) recappage, is anyone aware that Paul McDonald’s spastic dance moves have caused him to become something of an Internet superstar? Well, OK…“superstar” is pushing it. The Dancing Paul meme was actually started over at VFTW, so if you’re not a fan of that site then you’ve probably never seen the meme. However, a Worster created a Dancing Paul Tumblr, so maybe this thing will catch on after all. Below is one of my contributions to the meme—Pauly McD as a Motown hero. Or just some white guy trying to steal the spotlight away from the true Motown heroes.


So, I heard through the grapevine that Casey Abrams was going to do his impression of a California Raisin last night, but he looked a little more like a California douchebag with his hair all matted and slicked down. Backed by a group of roving violinists, he slithered out into the crowd like a lounge lizard and serenaded a female “friend” in the audience. Casey sounded pretty good through most of the song, but still managed to pepper in some of the strangled yowls that made up the whole of last week’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” Steven said that Casey is the “perfect entertainer,” and then should have stopped there. Because when he then said he had “perfect pitch,” I started to wonder if Steven actually knows anything about music, or even what planet he’s on. J.Lo and Randy blathered on about how original Casey is, refusing to acknowledge any similarity to Taylor Hicks, Carson Higgins or Yukon Cornelius.

Thia Megia finally decided to do an up-tempo song! Hooray! Her version of “Heat Wave” started out promising, but quickly settled into high school talent show territory. Thia tried to overcome her dead-eye problem by scrunching up her face a lot, which didn’t really make her performance any more convincing. And then she forgot some of the words. But because the judges were so happy that Thia tried something different, they didn’t bother to mention her lyric flubbery. That’s just not the kinder, gentler Idol’s style! J.Lo asks again, “Are you 15? 16?” Turns out Thia turned 16 at some point. Well, there goes Idol’s hopes for crowning a 15-year-old winner. Aging was just about the dumbest thing Thia could have done. She just lost all of her cache.

On the other hand, Jacob Lusk has cache, baby. He’s got cache out the ying yang! Having learned from the hot mess that was “I Believe I Can Fly,” Jacob toned it down a bit for “You’re All I Need to Get By” and turned in a great performance. I only wish he'd sung Diana Ross's "I'm Coming Out." But perhaps that's for another time. Like during an exclusive Rolling Stone interview after the season is over. Anyway...the rubber-band mouth thing at the end was hilarious. The Lusky stank was in full effect. J.Lo tried to sing along but had no idea what the words were. Steven enjoyed the performance so much, he ran up on stage to give Jacob a big hug. Kirsten Dunst clapped in approval. Then Jacob’s grandmother wanted a hug. Then Seacrest invited the whole front row to go give hugs.

Apparently, Lauren Alaina just discovered the Googles. She revealed that people on the Webtubes are saying mean things about her, and somehow that has something to do with the message behind “You Keep Me Hanging On.” OK then. This girl grates on my nerves, but she actually sounded really good last night. And thank God someone took a flat iron to that rat’s nest because she looked great. Steven thought she “ripped that song another beauty mark,” while Randy liked that Lauren had her “swagger on high.”

I don’t know how many times these kids have to be warned about covering songs that other Idols have previously had great success with, but Stefano Langone obviously needed to hear it a few more times. He decided to do “Hello,” which was the song that propelled David Cook into the front-runner position in Season 7. While David transformed that song for the better, Stefano took a hatchet to that bust of Lionel Richie. And after that poor blind girl worked so hard on it. Tsk tsk. Seriously, his chipmunk-esque vocals made me wince in parts. I normally like Stefano, but that was not good. However, the judges all act like it was a perfectly fine performance, other than the lack of “emotional connection.” Then that Gordon Ramsay dick made Stefano’s mom emotional by dissing her homemade pasta. Didn’t anyone ever give that guy the memo that the pissy British dude schtick is old already? Didn’t anyone ever give him a swift kick to the balls? No, of course not. People just keep giving him TV shows for no good reason.

Haley Reinhart schlepped down the lucite staircase with all the grace of a 75-year-old ape. Or Liza Minnelli. Clearly, she had been in Liza’s wardrobe. She sang “You’ve Really Got a Hold on Me” and…well, I just don’t know. Some parts I almost liked, but some parts were ridiculous. Yeah, J.Lo, she can do a lot with her voice, but does she have to do it all, all at once? Traveling the spectrum from breathy baby talk into feral growling and back again isn’t exactly “singing.” Randy and J.Lo said a lot of words and Steven gave a bunch of cheesy guys their new pickup line, “You don’t look a day over fabulous.”

Shucks, y’all. Scotty McCreery damn near soiled himself when he heard he was a’gunna have to sing Motown this week. But with the help of some fancy, big-time producers, he managed to countrify “For Once in My Life.” Now, it wasn’t the train wreck that Kristy whats-her-face caused in Season 7 with her fiddle-laden version of “Eight Days a Week,” but still, this is another song that really doesn’t translate well to country. Of course, the biggest problem I had with this performance was just having to see it. Why does McCreepy lean like that? How does he? Does he have those special Michael Jackson “Smooth Criminal” shoes? Why does he sing out of the side of his mouth? And why does he insist on holding the microphone like it’s a messy, too-hot burrito? But no one is going to answer my questions because everyone loves Scotty. The judges. The audience. And, especially, the WOMEN. Ugh. I cannot believe that this kid is the “stud” of the show. My, how far we’ve fallen since the days of Michael Johns. (Wow, third Season 7 reference in as many paragraphs.)

Unlike Thia Megia, Pia Toscia, er, Toscano chose not to mix things up. Instead, she went with yet another ballad, Stevie Wonder’s “All in Love is Fair.” Once again, Pia looked and sounded great, but I’m sick of her just standing there, moving her hands occasionally while screaming into the mic. Randy at least called her on her balladry, saying, “You can’t live on ballads alone.” J.Lo asked Pia to stomp around the stage like Celine Dion. (Ooh, I hope she punches herself in the chest next week!) Steven babbled something about Pia being “the closest star in this American Idol universe.”

Paul McDonald took off his dancing shoes this week and picked up his guitar. Like Stefano, he threw caution to the wind by covering “The Tracks of My Tears,” which earned Glambert a serious tongue bath in Season 8. This probably isn’t saying much, but this was the least annoying Paul has been so far. His enunciation is still ridiculous, though. I swear he sang, “I’m masturbating” instead of “I’m masquerading” and that he was wearing his smile like makeup since his “breakup wit’ Jew.” Randy OMGed over Paul’s “tenderness,” while J.Lo liked his package. After noticing the cougar pin on Paul’s jacket, Seacrest said that might get him the “cougar vote.” Stupid Seacrest…the teens and tweens vote for Paul. The cougars are all about Scotty. *shudder*

Naima Adedapo sang and shook her Djibouti to “Dancing in the Street.” She wisely saved the African dancing until the end of the song, so she could actually breathe while she was performing. I thought she sounded great. I’ve always liked Naima. She’s never boring. Steven thought the performance was “E to the Z ooh tweedly-dee.” Paula Abdul was at home, kicking herself for never coming up with that one. J.Lo had goosebumps and The Dawg gave Naima one of his highest honors, the “Good Lookin’ Out” award.

Did anyone notice that Jennifer was interrupting Randy ALL DAMN NIGHT? Not that Randy ever has anything that important to say, but seriously…why can’t she shut up? Her critiques are DioGuardian in length to begin with. She doesn’t need to constantly talk over the other judges.

James Durbin took the pimp spot for his cover of Stevie’s “Living for the City.” It was pretty good, and the requisite screeches weren’t too hard on the ears this time around. I kept hoping that he would work some reference about not having enough money for diapers into the lyrics, but no such luck. After the performance, J.Lo said she was speechless…until Randy started to talk, that is. How dare he suggest that the beginning was a little rough?!? J.Lo MUST make her opinions known!! She finally shut up when Randy got to the part about how he thought the middle to end of the performance was “unbelievable,” but then started blathering again when Steven tried to talk.

Although Casey was in the dreaded lead-off spot, I think he has enough fans to keep him out of the Bottom 3 tonight. I think Haley will make her third trip to the B3, and she’ll be joined by Thia and Stefano. And then Haley will make her third escape from the B3 when Stefano gets the boot.


Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.

It's Coming, American Idol Fans

I just got home not too long ago, so obviously I didn't watch Idol yet. But never fear, I've DVRed it and am just about to fire that sucker up. You'll get your recap eventually, my pretties, whether you want it or not.

Oh, the reason I was not home, you ask? I was at the SIR Elton John concert. So yeah, listening to the Idolettes butcher Motown tunes shouldn't be at all anticlimactic.

Happy Birthday, #4!

I was so distraught yesterday over my #3 Man's announcement that he was locking up his junk that I came dangerously close to forgetting about my #4 Man's birthday today!

However, I did NOT forget. So, here's wishing the lovely and talented Damon Albarn a very happy 43rd. In his honor, check out the fabulous slide show I put together for him last year.

Also, you and Damon can both rejoice, because I've got your belated flying pink glitter heart right here.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Some days it's not even worth getting out of bed, is it?

Exhibit A: As something of a 40th birthday present to himself (and a belated 38th birthday kick in the life to me), Ewan McGregor has announced that he won't be doing any more nude scenes. EVER. Now, not that there aren't plenty of movies to remember his peen by, but it just seems so unfair. He could have at least waited until he turned 50. This is not only bad news for ladies and gays, but also for Ewan himself. Because, with nothing else to focus on but the plot, we're not going to be so forgiving if he makes another movie like Deception.

Exhibit B: Knut the polar bear died suddenly over the weekend. The cause of death is unknown as of now, but already some are speculating that he was killed "by fame" or from depression after the death of the zookeeper who raised him. I tend to go along with one animal expert's opinion that "Perhaps his mother may have abandoned him as a baby for a reason—having identified some kind of genetic problem in advance." While a necropsy to determine the cause of death is underway, fans have been placing candles, flowers and stuffed animals at the entrance of the Berlin Zoo and around Knut's exhibit as memorials for the fuzzy little guy. I'm sure a lot of people will think that's stupid, just as they'll think it's stupid that I'm actually getting teary-eyed just thinking about poor Knut, but those people can go eat monkey feces.

American Idol 10: 3/17/11 Results

Cry as you may! Whine as you might! If you didn't get the votes, you'll be dead on this night.

Time now for the special St. Patrick's Day results show. And, if you're anything like me, the first things that come to mind when you think of Irish revelry are manufactured drama, Lee DeWyze and the Black Eyed Peas. Unnggghhh. I could really go for a pint or six right about now, but I did a little too much partying over the weekend (Chicago-style), so I'm taking it easy.

Now, you might think that my mini-detox is causing the chills and dry heaves I'm experiencing but, in this case, it's all due to the group sing. Trying to capitalize on Glee's popularity, the kids perform a mashup of Steppenwolf's "Born to Be Wild" and Lady Gaga's "Born This Way." Parts of it aren't too bad and the Idolettes may actually be singing—gasp!—live, but the general stench of cornball overpowers the performance. As for the Ford commercial, this week's is even more stupid than usual. I'm just glad TPTB had the sense to not let Stefano drive any of the cars.

In case you didn't know, the American Idol 10th Anniversary "Best Of" CD is out now. To help promote it, Ryan reveals that there is a free one under each seat. The audience reacts as if Oprah just showed up with Ford Fiestas for everyone.

Anyhoo...on to the results.

Casey, Jacob and Lauren are all safe. Seacrest summons Haley and Paul and reveals that Haley is in the Bottom 3. I'm 1-1.

Anyhoo...enough results. It's time to welcome back last season's big, huge embarrassing failure. And he's the guy who won. Yes, good ol' Lee DeadEyez takes the stage as leprechauns run around the studio, jabbing the audience with cattle prods so that they'll applaud. After his performance of a song no one will ever hear again unless they bring it upon themselves, Seacrest asks Lee to give the Idolettes some advice. I think he tells them to be as boring as possible and they'll go far. Content that she's on the right track, Thia Megia pats herself on the back. I would love to see a staring contest between Lee and Thia. You know, whoever breaks their vacant expression first loses. It would be the dullest Mexican standoff ever.

Back to the results again. Scotty, Pia and James are all safe. Seacrest calls over Stefano and Naima and sends Naima to the uncomfortable stools. Good. Not only because I'm 2-2, but also because this keeps Stefano in the Idol mansion and not out there on the roads.

It comes down to Karen and Thia. Who is the most loyal: the Latino voters or the Filipino voters? Turns out, it's the Filipino voters. Karen is in the Bottom 3. I'm 3-3! Beckstradamus is back!

The Black Eyed Peas show up, which is probably great for the 20 or so people who aren't suffering from Black Eyed Fatigue. As for me, I'll just close my eyes and dream of the day when AI is smart enough to get, say, Flogging Molly to perform on St. Paddy's Day.

Finally, the results are in and it looks like Beckstradamus isn't entirely back. Somehow, Haley lives to growl another day and Karen is sent packing. Well, technically, she has to sing for her life, but we all know that the judges aren't going to burn their save this early, especially when Karen's voice is cracking like crazy. Of course, they put on a show—pretending to deliberate and claiming that their decision isn't unanimous—but, honestly, J.Lo's performance in The Wedding Planner was more convincing.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.

American Idol 10: I'm Getting Too Old For This Too, Murtaugh

This week, the Idolettes are covering songs from their birth years, a theme that always causes me to have the following two conversations with myself:

1. If I could sing (not that this really matters) and if this show wasn't ageist (the big stumbling block), I would get on here and totally rock "Bad Bad Leroy Brown" or "Little Willy."
2. People born in the '90s are old enough to be on American Idol?? OH MY GOD. Now, where is my shawl? And where the hell did I leave my teeth?

Well, let's get on with this trip down Jesus I'm Old Lane, shall we?

Naima Adedapo (didn't even need to look up the spelling of her name this time, *pats self on back*) wants to know "What's Love Got To Do With It?" Well, I can tell you all that love has nothing to do with this performance. The judges all gave her a pitchy pass last week because she was dancing, but she's just kind of strutting around this week and still not hitting too many of the right notes. She still has a certain stage presence though, which I'm guessing is why the judges are still being fairly nice to her. J.Lo (who's looking rather lionesque tonight) and Randy do call Naima on the pitchiness, but Steven thinks she has a "sorcerer's grasp of melody." I think I might have an end-of-season quiz, in which I post a bunch of Steven's quotes with a bunch of Paula's old quotes and you all have to guess who said what.

In his video package, Paul McDonald's parents talk about where their son's "talent" comes from, and his dad willingly takes the credit blame for it. Clearly, Paul (suffering from a cold and raspier than usual) still thinks he's playing the nearest roadside inn as he asks the crowd, "What's up y'all?" when taking the stage. What's up, McSparkleteeth, is that you're ruining a perfectly good Elton John song ("I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues"). There are people who love this guy ironically (VFTW) and people who love him un-ironically (the judges, lonely housewives, dumb tweens, the tone deaf, dentists), but I am in neither camp. I guess I should find his complete ineptitude funny but, for some reason, I just can't. I might have to put him on my list of People I Would Punch In The Face Immediately Upon Meeting, somewhere between the Nationwide Insurance guy and John Mayer.

There are plenty of songs from 1995 that Thia Megia probably could have done well. Des'ree's "You Gotta Be." Natalie Merchant's "Carnival." Maybe even something *gasp* up-tempo like Dionne Farris's "I Know." Or that "Short Dick Man" song. (OK, not really. Just making sure you're paying attention.) So, what does she pick? The boring Pocahantas song, "Colors of the Wind." And she does absolutely nothing to make it un-boring. I wish Simon were here to make a "boat cruise" comparison, but Randy at least calls it "pageant" and complains that Thia always takes the safe route. My favorite bit is when Steven asks if this song really captures who Thia is and she mumbles something about how the song reflects "what's going on in the world today," and then tries to change the subject as quickly as possible before anyone asks her exactly what she means. I think she was about five seconds from saying that U.S. Americans should help the Iraq such as maps education tsunami such as uh uh such as.

Peggi Blu in the house! Unfortunately, Thia has to taint my memory of Peggi by claiming that she was a real pussycat off-camera. Auuugh, why must you ruin everything, you dead-eyed little twit?

Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy are also in the house. Does anyone care? Apparently not, considering that they were given seats way in the back. Wow, even Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin can get better seats.

James Durbin chooses to sing Mr. Bovine Joni's "I'll Be There For You," which is a problem for me because I can't believe this guy—who's, let's face it, karaoke show or not, achieved more success in his young life than I'll probably ever have—may have been just traveling down the birth canal at the very moment I was swaying with my lighter to this very song at a Bon Jovi show. I expected James to do pretty well with this song, but it's kind of off-pitch and the back-up singers are way too loud. And the requisite shriek may be short, but it's not pretty. Still, the judges lap it all up. Steven, the guy who sang a love song to an asteroid, begs James to not get "too poppy." James then basically promises that he'll be in the finale, saying that he's planning on singing an Aerosmith song.

Are Haley Reinhart's eyes getting closer together every week, or is it just my imagination? Well, there's one thing I'm sure of: this chick was just named valedictorian of the Chrustin Richardslake™ School of Nasally Singing's most recent graduating class, where she minored in Misplaced Growling. She half-asses her way through Whitney Houston's "I'm Your Baby Tonight," prompting lukewarm responses from the judges.

If you don't know by now that Stefano Langone was busted for a DUI prior to his AI stint, uh, well, you do now. (Sorry, I thought I could work his song title into something clever and I failed miserably.) Generally, when any kind of controversy comes to light, it doesn't bode well for the contestant in question. The producers usually always find a way to get rid of them. A lot of times, things might "accidentally" go wrong during a performance, like a bad mix or a non-working mic...but no one seems to be sabotaging Stefano tonight. Randy even deems his pretty good cover of Simply Red's cover of "If You Don't Know Me By Now" the "best performance of the night so far." And, judging from some of the comments over on that Star article, the lonely housewives are out in full-force to defend Stefano's drunk ass, so he probably won't get "voted" out. Maybe we'll tune in tomorrow to find that he's been disqualified...who knows.

Pia Toscano has a good voice. She's pretty. We all know this. But I'm so bored by her. Even when she tries to turn Whitney's "Where Do Broken Hearts Go?" into a little lite disco, I'm rather unmoved. Still, Steven believes that Pia is the reason "the show is called American Idol," as if that makes any sense, while The Dawg just barks that Pia has "a minute to win it." Woops, my mistake, he says she's "in it to win it." Damn. I was just thinking that this show would be way more interesting if these kids had to do stupid stunts while performing.

During his intro package, we discover that Scotty McCreery was a toddler Elvis impersonator. We're also treated to his parents singing "babylockthemdoors," which is pretty awesome. Then Scotty sings Travis Tritt's "Can I Trust You With My Heart" in that same side-leaning, crooked-mouthed, deep-voiced way he sings everything and I begin to fall asleep. Yes, once again, I passed out for a couple of hours while I DVRed the rest of the show. (And now you know why my recap is so late.) The last thing I hear before my eyes close is Randy letting everyone know that he made a record with Travis Tritt and the other judges showering Scotty with praise.

I wake up and fast forward to Karen Rodriguez's performance of "Love Will Lead You Back." Even though she tells Jimmy Iovine that she doesn't just want to be known as the girl who sings Spanish, she throws a couple of Spanish lines in at the very end. The judges agree with me (well, I'm still not really sure what the hell J.Lo is saying) that this is just OK. However, Steven applauds Karen for breaking into her "ethnic what-it-is-ness."

Casey Abrams has "old parents," who are definitely hippie stoners. They remind me of Debbie's parents from Valley Girl. One of the things that I'm liking about this season is that many of the contestants are picking songs that have never been done on the show before. Even if they fail (hi, Paul McDonald, you raper of Ryan Adams), it's ten times better than having to sit through another version of "Kiss From A Rose" or "I'll Be." That said, Casey's decision to sing Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" has disaster written all over it. But you know what? He doesn't care. He slaps the bass, makes crazy eyes and growls more than Haley. This may be even funnier than Weird Al's "Smells Like Nirvana." I guess I wouldn't be laughing if he was shitting all over a Pearl Jam song, but since he isn't, I will laugh. Loud and long. The judges, on the other hand, seriously like this. J.Lo wishes there weren't as many screechy parts, but even she still loves it. Steven thinks that Casey is full of "the goop that great stuff is made from." I think everyone is high. Why can't the judges just be honest and say, "Man that was terrible, but terribly entertaining?"

Another Idolette who's fallen victim to the mansion sickness is Lauren Alaina, who brings out surgical masks for herself and Seacrest and then acts like she just drank a whole bottle of NyQuil. God, this girl is irritating. She's going on my Punch List, above McSparkleteeth. Then there's her Katherine Heigl wannabe mom, who wears too much pink (including a ridiculous, too-young-for-her pink plaid hat) and reminds me of a real life version of Amy Poehler's "cool mom" character from Mean Girls. I'm just saying, I bet she lets Lauren drink and have sex in the house. Anyway, Lauren does a pitchy, shouty version of "I'm The Only One" that somehow garners rave reviews from the panel.

In the pimp spot tonight is Jacob Lusk with a song that really needs to be retired from Idol already, Heart's "Alone." He puts his "Lusky stank" on it and, although there are a few bum notes in there (it usually takes him a second to get his scream on pitch), I feel as if I've just been transported to drag night at the karaoke club, so I have no problem with this. Steven proclaims that "gospel had a baby and named it Jacob Lusk," perhaps to throw everyone off the gay, Lusky scent that Jacob is emitting. It's kind of hilarious that the show is trying to convince everyone that Jacob is over the top because he's "churchy" and not because he's "a fan of the peen." But they've got to lie to Middle America if they want to keep the guy around.

I think it's going to be another all-girl Bottom 3 this week: Naima, Haley and Karen. Any of them could go, but I predict that Haley will get the boot.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksaLot.