Friday, July 25, 2008

I Know It Hurts Now, But It'll Get Easier, I Promise..

Well folks, in a short while I will be abandoning my blog for a lazy week at the beach. I know it will be hard for many of you, but you have to understand that everyone needs a break. Even an Internet superstar like myself. Taking a vacation is a deeply personal matter, so I ask that you respect my privacy during this time.

Stop crying, babies.

Jeez, really.

Look, when I'm sad or when I feel as if no one in the world understands the kind of pain I'm going through, I often turn to music. So, here is my parting gift to you: a few videos that might help ease your suffering during the darkness of the coming week.

**You will forget all about me after watching this final vid, because it is quite possibly the greatest thing any of you will ever see.

I Love Gmail: Reason #1

I'm fairly new to Gmail, but after using it for a few months now, I can't imagine living without it. Best. Email service. Ever.

There are a multitude of reasons why I love Gmail, but the biggest one is this: it has provided me with the perfect conversation ender. Now when I'm having an argument or otherwise pointless discussion with someone, I no longer have to end it with fist-based responses* or the very lame eye roll/"Whatever, dude" combo. I can simply say, "This conversation has been moved to the trash."

Seriously. Try it. Then try it with an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent. Even better.

Of course, "shut up" is the still one of the oldest and most effective conversation enders around. After all these eons, no one's ever discovered a good comeback for it. The usual response is something like, "No, I'm not gonna shut up!" followed by total silence. So, if you're a traditionalist or a big fan of irony, you might want to stick with that instead of the Gmail thing.

*The phrase "fist-based responses" is the sole property of Pistols at Dawn, used here without permission. (But the fact that I have breasts gets me off the hook.)

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

This week's vid is going out to fellow awesome blogger, Falwless.

I'm reaching back into George Michael's brief "Amish phase" for "Monkey," from his 1987 solo debut, Faith.

Have faith in your monkey, Fal. He's never steered you wrong before. (Except for when he made you start smoking and encouraged you to play with sharp objects around your eyes. But where I'm from, two strikes means you're still in.)

Happy Birthday, idiot. I was going to get you a lock of Jason Castro's matted hair as a present, but the Idol tour security staff have instructions to shoot to kill if they see me within 100 yards of a venue.

Oh, New York, Will The Excitement Never End?

So, I hopped on the 1 yesterday after work (the local that takes me to my new line - the 2) and spotted a minor celeb sitting right across from me. You probably know him as the guy who had sex with Stifler's mom in American Pie, but I know him as the guy who I've heard had sex with Stifler's mom in American Pie. (Sorry, I could never be bothered to watch any of those movies all the way through.)

Well, I can't be completely sure it was him, but I'm 99% sure. He does kind of look like every 5th guy you might see walking down the street, but I'd still bet a million bucks that it was him.

He was sitting with an older woman, who could've been his mother or his agent. Or maybe he's like his character and digs the cougars. I don't know. You see, I was so excited about this celeb sighting that I didn't even turn down my iPod to eavesdrop on their conversation. I'll just assume they were talking about me. Perhaps he recognized me as "that girl from that blog who wants to have sex with that American Idol guy."

We both got off at 42nd Street; I crossed the platform and he went down the steps. Then I transferred to the 2, where some dude tried to sell me black market bug spray.

Some days I'm amazed by this whirlwind that is my life.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Out on Bale*

*I could really work for the New York Post. That's not a good thing.

Christian Bale, star of The Dark Knight, was arrested today for allegedly beating up his mom and sister. He was released after a few hours and, of course, denies all claims of abuse.

I don't know if he did it or not, but have you seen his mom and sister? They totally had it coming.

My favorite part of this whole story is this excerpt from the above-linked article: "The actor was arrested hours after he attended the London premiere of The Dark Knight. The British paper, The Sun, claimed police did not question the actor Monday because they did not want to interfere with the premiere."

Now, granted, Bale wasn't accused of killing anyone, but still. If you go to the trouble of making a formal complaint to the police that someone assaulted you, you'd like to think that it would be followed up on pretty quickly, right?

I can just imagine the talk down at the police station that day. "Aw chief, I don't want to arrest Batman! Especially not today. I mean, I bought these movie tickets, like, two months ago!"

EDIT: I realize that since Bale was arrested in the UK, the policeman's lament would have been more along the lines of, "Oh bollocks, commander! I shan't pinch Batman today! Not on your Nellie! I procured these bloody film passes yonks ago!"

Monday, July 21, 2008

G'Day Y'all

Yeah, yeah, Britney gave up custody of her young'uns. I'm neither surprised nor interested enough to write a full post about it. Apparently, Brit isn't too concerned about it either. A couple of days after handing her kids over to K-Fed, she mingled and boozed it up at Jenny McCarthy's autism fundraiser. According to the linked story, observers reported that Britney "definitely looked happy." Well, of course she did! And why not? Without those kids bugging her for, like, food and stuff, she's finally free to concentrate on partying and recording her next embarassing grunt-fest. (Which I will happily interpret for everyone, as I did with Blackout.)

I just can't get too involved in that girl's crazy life right now. I just moved to a new apartment this weekend, so I'm living in a fortress of boxes and clutter, and I am leaving for a week's vacation on Friday night. Therefore, if my posts are a bit lackluster this week, forgive me. But, I have something you can "Spotlight on Aussies" post over on Starpulse! I know it sounds crazy. Me? Writing about Aussies? Who'dathunkit? Even more impressive is that I managed to not make the whole thing about Michael Johns!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Ensuring Plenty of Material For E! True Hollywood Stories in 2018 or So

Seems like a gazillion celebrity babies have been born in the past month. This isn't the first time this has happened, either. (Here's one smaller-scale example.) Much like the phenomenon of celebrities always dying in threes, the rich and famous like to procreate en masse.

How does this happen? You women out there know about that bio-freakish thing that happens to girls who live or work together. They all end up dancing with Big Red at the same time. So, I wonder if something similar occurs to women in Hollywood? Maybe going to all the same parties, swapping spouses and sharing that small top-level salary bracket causes them to ovulate in unison? Or, it could be that pregnancy pacts aren't just for attention-hungry teenagers anymore.

Here is a look at the latest celebuspawn:

On June 7, Jessica Alba and husband Cash Warren welcomed a daughter, Honor Marie Warren, who has a lifetime of "Honor? I hardly know her!" jokes to look forward to.

Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott's daughter, Stella Doreen McDermott, was born on June 9. I really wish they had given the baby Tori's last name because Stella Spelling would have to grow up to be either an educational mascot or a stripper.

Speaking of stripper names, Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to her daughter, Maddie Briann, on June 19 and told reporters that the experience was "the best feeling in the world." She later recanted that statement, saying, "It hurt like balls, y'alls. I meant to say that what I did to get pregnant was the best feeling in the world. Oh, and not being my sister feels really good too."

The pregnant man, Thomas Beatie, gave birth to a daughter on June 29. Now, maybe s/he isn't technically a celebrity, but s/he's a hell of a lot more interesting than the last three broads I just mentioned. I haven't been able to find any stories that give the baby's name, but it was probably something like Oprah RuPaul.

Kicking off the July string of births, and breaking the baby girl streak, was another quasi-celeb, Isaac Hanson. Unlike the dude(tte) above, Isaac left all the pushing and screaming up to his wife, Nikki. Proving that he's not truly famous, Isaac named the kid James Monroe. Booooo-ring! I was really crossing my fingers for MmmmmBob.

On July 5, 52 year-old Peter Gabriel and his thirtysomething wife welcomed a baby boy. (See, guys? Don't throw out that old sperm. Just because it's old doesn't mean it's no good.) The Gabriels named their son Luc so, evidently, they want him to grow up to be a snooty Frenchman.

Matthew McConaughey and his girlfriend welcomed their son, Levi, into the world on July 7. You know what I love about these celebrity babies? I get older; they stay the same age.

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban celebrated the birth of their daughter, Sunday Rose on July 8. Okay, I have really nothing smart-alecky to say about this (except that "Sunday Urban" sounds like some ultra-hip brunch spot in the West Village). I kind of like these two, and I'm glad that Nicole was finally able to have a biological child with a man who doesn't have the crazies. (Sorry, Suri Cruise, but you are doomed to a life of Dianetic lunacy, unless your mother gets smart and pulls a Julia Roberts-in-Sleeping With the Enemy style escape.)

Brangelina super-sized their baby order by having twins, Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, on July 12. Apparently, the couple was a little disappointed that they only had two. With four other kids already, they were hoping for quints so they could finally have a beautiful baseball team. They're already hitting up the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico for some athletically-inclined orphans, and, on the advice of Madonna, Brad is going to make an indecent proposal to Jose Canseco. And if all of these options pan out at once, no harm, no foul. After all, they're gonna need a bullpen.

All of these ladies, especially the ones popping out girls, just ought to be glad they didn't marry this candidate for Father of the Year. Obviously, he studied genetics at Henry VIII University, which should really start offering an Anger Management elective.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

This week's vid is the 1986 hit "Let's Go All the Way," by Sly Fox. You would think its status as a "hit" would disqualify it from being a "forgotten" classic," but I recently got into an argument with someone at a bar who thought I was making this song up when I tried to prove its existence. So, maybe a lot of people just tried really hard to forget it. Sorry to jar you all back into reality. While the world might be a better place if the song didn't exist, it does. Proof:

I apologize for not having more smart-ass tidbits about this vid. I'm a bit stressed. I'm moving on Saturday and have a total of zero items packed. I need a drink...or 20.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Huffin' and Puffin'

Kids, yours truly is on The Huffington Post.

Now, I know what you're thinking. But, BeckEye, isn't The Huffington Post a website devoted to intelligent, thoughtful discussion of current events? Who let you in? Well, I have my ways.

Don't worry, I haven't given up Michael Johns for John McCain. Basically, it's just a short informational piece about The Women's Conference in Long Beach, with a few stupid pop cultural references thrown in (to prove that I actually wrote it).

Now is the time for you all to prove your love for me. Leave a comment! Please? Not here, there! And watch your language. (The guttermouths know who they are.)

Not That I Condone Cheating or Anything...

I could count on one hand the number of times that I've seen eye to eye with Madonna.

But let's get real. He might be a Yankee but I'd totally hit that.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Who Wants to Be a Screenwriter? (Part Deux)

Bo Catlett: "You have the idea and you put down what you want to say. Then you get somebody to add in the commas and come to the last page, you write in 'Fade out' and that's the end, you're done."

Last year, I got a little tired of the proliferation of movies that were nothing more than modern spins on old ’70s and '80s TV shows, so I developed my own movie treatments. I’m really surprised that none of the big studios stole any of my ideas because they were gold, people. GOLD. A lesbian version of Kate and Allie? Gold. Joey Pants as psycho building superintendent Schneider? Platinum. Vince Vaughn as Sam Malone? Plutonium laced with diamonds.

But do these idiot producers listen to me? No! They make Speed Racer. Since two people saw that movie, Warner Bros. might have better off just throwing a big money bonfire on the beach. It would’ve been cheaper and lot more fun.

Now, there is already talk of a Sex and the City sequel in the works, and rumors have been swirling about a possible big-screen version of Friends. Regarding the latter, Warner Bros. recently issued a statement that there are no plans for a movie, which translates to, “Friends will be there for you in 2011!” I’m sure it’s just an issue of the studio not wanting to cave too quickly to the actors’ ridiculous salary demands.

Since Hollywood obviously has only begun to mine the TV landscape for more of their half-assed re-imaginings of our favorite shows, I’m offering up some more of my own ideas. Once again, I’m extending an invitation to all of the soulless screenwriters out there to partner up so I, er, we can get rich quick with these future cinematic masterpieces.

* Sein Fear wt (Based on Seinfeld.)
Starring: Keanu Reeves as Jerry Seinfeld, Jeremy Piven as George Costanza, Marisa Tomei as Elaine Benes, Jeff Goldblum as Kramer, Bill Murray as Bob Sacamano and Christopher Walken as Crazy Joe Davola.

Thriller: When we last saw the gang, they were beginning a year-long sentence in a Massachusetts jail for breaking the Good Samaritan law. Just a few weeks after entering prison, news breaks that the man arrested in L.A. for the “Smog Strangler” killings turned out to be innocent. Cracking under the strain of prison life, George convinces Jerry and Elaine to tell the authorities that Kramer was, in fact, the killer as they originally suspected. The three offer up “proof” of Kramer’s guilt to the cops and enlist the help of Kramer’s one-time friend, Bob Sacamano, to plant phony evidence in Kramer’s apartment. Kramer is tried, found guilty and sentenced to life in prison. For their help, Jerry, George and Elaine are set free.

Since everyone in NYC hates them, the three friends move out to the remote Fishers Island, off the Eastern tip of Long Island. After a few months on the beach, the gang starts to feel like their lives have really turned around for the better. Unbeknownst to them, Kramer joins forces with his new cellmate, Crazy Joe Davola, and the duo hatch a plan to escape. When they succeed, the two men head straight for Fishers Island to exact their vengeance on Jerry and his gang.

* B.J. and The Bear
Starring: Adrien Grenier as B.J., John C. Reilly as Sheriff Lobo, and Kate Hudson, Zooey Deschanel, Jessica Biel, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Lucy Liu, and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen as The Seven Lady Truckers. (Note: Though “The Bear” was a chimp in the TV series, B.J.’s traveling companion on the big screen is an actual bear!)

Romantic Dramedy: After years of traveling the country in his big rig, B.J. McKay decides that he needs a companion to stave off loneliness. During a stop at carnival in small-town Ohio, he spots an animal trainer mistreating a black bear cub. B.J. scuffles with the trainer, knocks him out and takes the sweet little bear away from his abusive owner. Although he intends to drop the bear off at the San Diego Zoo, B.J. grows to love the little bear as they drive cross country, getting into all kinds of crazy adventures.

When B.J.’s nemesis, Sheriff Lobo, discovers that the young trucker is transporting a highly-trained wild animal across the U.S., he decides to track them down, steal Bear away and sell him to the circus. B.J. and the Bear prove too slick for Lobo, and they manage to stay one step ahead of him with the help of B.J.’s crew of lovely lady truckers.

B.J. realizes that he can no longer keep Bear when he starts growing. He decides to take him to the Zoo when Lobo finally catches them and tries to kidnap Bear. When Bear threatens to maul the Sheriff to pieces, Lobo shoots him. Bear is taken to the Zoo, where the vets look after him. When they tell B.J. that Bear needs a $10,000 operation, he and the girls embark upon a wild fundraising campaign to get the money. When they fall short it looks like the end for Bear, but Lobo’s guilty conscience and newfound love for one of the lady truckers prompts him to make a generous last-minute donation.

* Welcome Back, Barbarino (Based on Welcome Back, Kotter.)
Starring: John Travolta as Mr. Barbarino, Samuel L. Jackson as Principal Washington, Gabe Kaplan as Superintendent Kotter, and Jesse Metcalf, Nick Cannon, Usher, and Wilmer Valderrama as The Sweathogs. Special appearance by Benicio del Toro as Juan Epstein.

Family Drama: Vinnie Barbarino was a high school dropout who seemed to be going nowhere. But one night, long ago, he watched his friend Arnold Horshack die from injuries sustained in a gang fight. Then and there, he and fellow “sweathog” Freddy “Boom Boom” Washington vowed to make something of their lives. Both finally went to college and went their separate ways after graduation. Barbarino had made a career out of public speaking, but presently finds that jobs are few and far between. Suddenly, he receives a call from his old pal Washington, who is now the Principal at Buchanan High School. It seems that there is a new group of “sweathogs” who are even more unteachable than they were. Obviously, they don’t make teachers like Mr. Kotter anymore, because the last nine teachers assigned to that class have all quit. At the end of his rope, Washington begs Barbarino to be the sweathogs’ new teacher, assured that he is just the right man for the job. Barbarino, with no other prospects, reluctantly accepts. The newest crop of sweathogs don’t make the job easy on Barbarino, but eventually come to trust him when he starts to share stories about his life in that very classroom.

Just wanting to blow off steam one day, the sweathogs pull a seemingly harmless prank that ends in the death of Superintendent Kotter. Although everyone realizes that the death was accidental, the “leader” of the sweathogs, Angelo, starts acting strangely and skipping school. Soon, the gang discovers that he’s developed a bit of a drug habit and is considering dropping out and joining a local gang. When an intervention backfires, Mr. Barbarino manages to scare Angelo straight by taking him to visit his old friend, Juan Epstein, in jail. Epstein, who has been hardened by years of prison life, breaks down into tears when he reveals to Barbarino that it was he who killed their old pal Horshack during that gang fight so many years ago. Even though it was an accident, Epstein was never able to forgive himself and gave his life over to drugs, violence and crime.

(The must-have, super-awesomely-cheesy moment: While trying to help Epstein forgive himself, Mr. Barbarino pulls out a note, ironically, TO Juan from Horshack’s mom. The note says, “Dear Mr. Epstein, please excuse yourself for stabbing Arnold. I know you didn’t mean to. Signed, Horshack's Mother.”)

* Taxi
Comedy: Louie is the short, snarky, quick-tempered owner of DePalma’s, a small taxi company located on Staten Island, NY. The company’s eclectic staff is comprised of: a calm, likable everyman, a sophisticated redhead who all the male drivers lust after; a dim-witted former boxer; a pretty-boy wannabe actor; an eccentric foreign mechanic and his kooky wife; and a scatterbrained hippie with a heart of gold. The small cab company catches the eye of Urmomma, the cocky Iranian owner of a cheap new car service in town, Urmomma Don’t Drive. He wants to take over DePalma’s so that he can have a monopoly on all transportation in the area, and Louie's non-existent bookkeeping is making it all too easy for him. A foreclosing bank has stationed attorney-with-a-bad-perm, Zena Sherman, inside DePalma’s to finalize Urmomma's takeover of the company. Louie somehow wins Zena over and she quits her job to join his team of social rejects in their mission to try to save DePalma’s. How? A showdown bowling competition against Urmomma’s crew.

Latka, the lovable mechanic who was a bowling champ in his home country, whips everyone into shape to prepare for the big game, but is tragically killed when a jack breaks and a cab crushes his head. Sure that Urmomma tampered with the jack, Louie and the gang are more determined than ever to beat Urmomma and win one for Latka.

Why, is quite similar to Dodgeball, and my own proposed Cheers movie plot. Thanks for noticing! This one also boasts a somewhat familiar, all-star cast:

Steve Carell as Alex Reiger
Jack Black as Louie DePalma
Isla Fisher as Elaine Nardo
Rob Schneider as Latka Gravas
Paul Rudd as Bobby Wheeler
Will Ferrell as Reverend Jim Ignatowski
Ben Stiller as Tony Banta
Leslie Mann as Simka Gravas
Kristin Wiig as Zena Sherman
Sacha Baron Cohen as Urmomma Iz Afathoor

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

I heard a Babys song on the radio the other day ("Head First") and it made me think of the numerous times I've been made fun of because of my fondness for John Waite. I still have no idea what is so cheesy about him. No, his music was never Earth-shattering, but it was certainly pleasant enough. The Babys were fun, and he had quite a string of radio-friendly tunes when he went solo, including one of my faves of the '80s, "Missing You." Of course, I absolutely loathed Bad English and that awful song that wouldn't go away, "When I See You Smile," but in a somewhat lengthy career, everyone is prone to a misstep or two. So, all you Waite-haiters can shove it.

Aside from his music, I think my liking of him has something to do with a slight resemblance to John Corbett, who is now and forever Aidan Shaw to me. *sigh* What woman doesn't love him? Note that I never said that Waite was Corbett's twin or anything. Corbett's a total stud and Waite is...uh, not. But, there's some similarity there. I bet if you teased Corbett's hair, slapped some eyeliner on him and didn't feed him for a few weeks, you'd swear they were brothers.

Speaking of celeb body doubles, when I re-watched this week's video, "Change," (from 1982's Ignition) I thought that the crazy chick on the ledge was Katherine Kelly Lang, a B-movie and soap actress whom I have never seen in anything yet somehow still know who she is. When I looked it up, I discovered that it was not her but someone named Tina Gullickson, who is now a member of Jimmy Buffett's Coral Reefer Band. I'm only mentioning this in case any of you plan on seeing Jimmy Buffett in the near future. I hope you will heckle Tina by yelling stupid things like, "don't jump!" and "it doesn't matter who you are!"

I will now mention that this song was also featured in the crappy Matthew Modine movie, Vision Quest, thereby sucking all of the opportunities for trivia-related comments right out of it. Ha!

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Caption Crotch-test Contest #12

"Respectability is that way, so you'll want to avoid that direction at all costs."

Well, people, I warned you all that it was gonna happen and now it has. Pistols has shamed you by winning this thing two months in a row. Not only that, but this win makes him a three-time Firecrotch. I may have to make a special "Firecrotch Wall of Fame" area for him over there on my sidebar.

Or maybe I'll just send Pistols a funny pic once a month and say, "Hey, caption this for me, will ya?" to save the rest of you any further humiliation.

Ahhh, come on, I'm just busting yer balls, people! I actually had to enlist the BFF again to help me pick the winner, because there were four that I really liked. A round of applause, please, for the three los - er - runners up!

"I think that's Vince McMahon over there, he wants to help you get your career back on track." - Evil-E

"Target is down the street. I don't think a mini-keg is a good gift for a newborn." - Kristi Mantoni

"Look, a car accident! And it's not you behind the wheel!" - Genn6

Thank you all for playing. And thank you, Pistols, for winning again. Now I don't have to change the photo/link in my sidebar! That's a good thing because I'm lazy and that pic is totally hot.

Monday, July 07, 2008

It's July 7th and I'm Back to Being Dependent!

I've been away for a long holiday weekend, so I fully expected to come back to a plethora of needy comments from you people. You know, the standard, "where are you," "hope you're having a good few days off," and my favorite, "come back soon or I'll kill myself." But was my inbox overflowing with bloggy love today? Noooooo. Obviously I need you all more than you need me.

With that being the case, I'm sure you won't mind if I have nothing new for you right now. I've had a busy four days. It's been kind of hard to focus on writing, what with being both the guest of honor at Tom Cruise's birthday party and a character witness in Christie Brinkley's custody case, then having a fling with A-Rod, choreographing the American Idol tour, and finally scrubbing in to deliver Nicole Kidman's baby, which popped out just in time for me to make my flight back to NYC. Don't ask how I found time during the weekend to take in the lovely Pittsburgh fireworks display or make an appearance at a family graduation party. I'm just a machine. A machine who runs on coke and Red Bull! Just kidding. I never touch Red Bull.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

In The Zone

Well, it's not exactly the "Zone" I was thinking of, but poor Brit's life is a freakshow that not even a genius like Rod Serling could imagine.

I hope you're all being good little geeks and watching as much of The Twilight Zone 4th of July marathon as possible! It started this morning and will run until 5:00 am, July 5th. If you're not that familiar with the show and looking for some episode suggestions, check out my Starpulse article/Top 10 list.

Enjoy your holiday, everyone!

P.S. Speaking of Britney, y'all better get in on this month's caption contest, because Pistols is coming very close to shaming you all by becoming a three-time winner.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

This week's forgotten classic vid is one that has obviously slipped through the cracks in everyone's minds, seeing as how no one could recognize a still from it on my recent video quiz. Not even with a clear shot of Sammy Hagar's insane blonde mane did you people remember his 1987 Top 40 hit, "Give to Live." I guess you folks don't care about things like love, peace and faith. You only remember songs about driving erratically and drinking tequila. Nice priorities, people.

I, on the other hand, liked this song so much that, years ago, I bought a Sammy Hagar greatest hits CD to get it. Unfortunately, I didn't check the track listing and ended up with some weird compilation of songs I had never heard before. It was all pre-"There's Only One Way to Rock" stuff, so I immediately sold that back and picked up Unboxed, a greatest hits compilation with actual hits on it.

Even if you don't like the song, this video should help you all sleep better at night knowing that Sammy's guitar has the power to stave off a nuclear attack. Enjoy.

Now have a shot of Cabo Wabo, scroll down to the next post and enter the caption contest! Look, it's Britney! Someone else who likes to drink and drive erratically! (Not necessarily in that order. But usually.)

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Pot vs. Kettle: Which is More Black? Discuss.

As Homer Simpson would say, it's funny 'cause it's true.

PETA nut Pamela Anderson obviously wasn't too happy about the "Real Girls Eat Meat" t-shirt that Jessica Simpson has been sporting lately, as she recently described Jess as a "bitch and a whore."

If Jessica wasn't aware of her own whoreishness before, she must be now. I mean, if Pamela Anderson calls you a whore, woman, you're a whore. I can't imagine a worse insult...except for maybe having Amy Winehouse call you a toothless crack-head.


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine