"Eyes on the Horizon," Brendan Benson
OK, peeps. This blog has become a scrawny shadow of its former self over the last few months; I know that. But let's not dwell on my suckitude. Let's not look back. As we round the corner and head into the final lap of 2010, let's look ahead to all of the good stuff I (hopefully) have in store for you! If anything can pull me out of a blogging funk, it's making "Best Of" lists!!
All next month, I'll be talkin' 'bout what made 2010 the best year since 2009: The best stuff I've seen and done! The year's hottest hotties! The year's nottest notties! The firecrotchiest Firecrotches! The year's best music! The year's best TV shows! The year's best movies! Even though I've only seen, like, three! So what!! I'm on an exclamation point roll and I can't be stopped now!!!
Just a heads up: get your funny caps on, because tomorrow will be the final caption contest. And when I say "final," I don't just mean the last one of the year. I mean the last one, ever. Despite it coming in first place in my unscientific poll of your favorite Pop Eye features, the quantity (and, OK, I'll say it, quality) of the entries has decreased significantly. Plus, I'm just bored with it. So, let's take it out with a bang, shall we? And be quick about it because soon after the Firecrotch of the Month is crowned, we'll need to pick a Firecrotch of the Year. Since it's the final year, I'm planning on hand-stitching a special sash and flying Gary Collins in to sing the winner a special song. But, hey, you know show-biz. Those plans aren't set in stone.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
"Eyes on the Horizon," Brendan Benson
Thursday, November 25, 2010
It's Thanksgiving; it's The Pop Eye. And that can only mean one thing: left over turkey! Since I'm too whacked out on tryptophan to give you people anything new and, more importantly, because it is a yearly custom, here is an old blog post that I just popped in the microwave. Click on Tom Turkey to be transported back to The Pop Eye's very first Thanksgiving!
By the way, I did try to tinker with history again to present a First Thanksgiving Day argument between a pilgrim (Melvin) and his young Indian lover (Hides With Tape Recorder), but it didn't really work out. Those Puritans weren't really keen on firing off the F-bomb.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Hey hey, everybody! How ya doin'? Bad, I hope! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ehhh, come on, I'm just yankin' your pharynx.
So, I just moved into this new place and it's pretty awesome. Sure, some of the walls creak, the upstairs sink goes drip-drip-drip all night long and my landlord's tried to evict me a few times, but I ain't chased off so easily! Matter of fact, I finally got everything unpacked and the cable guy's coming tomorrow. Ahhh...now to crank the thermostat up and settle in for a weekend Monsters Inside Me marathon. Ain't this the life?
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
There's always a list.
Really, hipsters? You're not annoying enough with your oversized, non-prescription glasses and array of old man cardigans? I guess I should say thanks for toning down the "my bad" usage, though. Finally.
I know there are a lot of people who hate this chick, and I've never been one of them. I've never had a particularly strong feeling about her one way or another. But maybe that's because she's never been shoved down my throat quite as much as she has been lately. The last straw was her guest stint on Glee last night. Well, "guest stint" isn't entirely accurate. It was kind of like an hour-long commercial/marketing tie-in for Country Strong that just happened to feature the cast of Glee. OK, Hollywood, I get it. Gwynnie sings. Gwynnie has a new movie coming out. (Which, from the trailer, looks like someone put a big-budget Lifetime movie in a blender with some dashes of the E! True Hollywood Story, Behind the Music and backstage footage from the CMT Awards and then forgot to put the lid on, so it just splashed around and made a giant mess.) That doesn't mean she gets to completely take over someone else's TV show. I mean, that "Singin' in the Rain/Umbrella" mashup? Terrible. BECKEYE WANT TO SMASH. And while I'm on the topic...
Now, I'm a total Gleek. But Season 2, aside from its very strong premiere, has been something of a disappointment thus far. Maybe I still miss Jonathan Groff (he's coming back in the second half!), but I'm having a harder time overlooking this show's weaknesses at this point. First, there's the Auto Tune issue. The Internet is abuzz over the voices behind New Directions' rival team, The Warblers: a cappella group Beelzebubs. But why is it a big deal when even they were Auto Tuned to all hell? An a cappella group!?!? I was originally a little miffed at my dear Damon Albarn for dissing Glee and swearing he'd never let them perform any of his songs, but then I had a nightmare that Finn and Puck did a robotic, Vocoded version of "Feel Good Inc." at the nurse's office with Mr. Schue doing the De La Soul rap and I began to understand where he's coming from. Secondly, Mr. Schue needs to step back. He is the teacher, not a member of Glee club. And even though it was just a dream, his "homage" to Donald O'Connor's famous "Make 'Em Laugh" number in this week's episode made me break out in hives. It was just such a poor imitation...and he even had to drag poor Mike Chang into it for the more physical stuff. Thirdly, I don't know if the writers are trying to make many of the characters more annoying, but they are. Especially Rachel. And even Kurt, who I love, is starting to grate on my nerves a bit...especially last night. I wanted to throw something at the TV during his exchange with Mercedes, in which he told her he wouldn't stop seeing Blaine (won't someone tell Kurt that's a major appliance?) and that she needed to stop eating to replace him in her life. This after he blew off his plans with her TWICE. How come Kurt wasn't taken to task for acting like a typical idiot who loses all consideration for his friends once a sweet piece comes along? Arrrrgh! There was just so much wrong with this week's episode, I can't get into it all here.
4. Tom Brady and his ridiculous hair
And it's not just because the Steelers had their asses handed to them by the Pats last week. I've never liked this wussy crybaby, but I've always at least been able to admit that he's a good looking dude. Yeah, not so much these days. Does he think he's Johnny Depp and just doesn't have to try anymore? I don't know what the hell Gisele has done to him (maybe she's trying to turn him into a male version of herself) but how can he think that any of his teammates take him seriously considering the state of his head? Did he think people would be intimidated by his little sideline menstrual tantrum after ending it by oh-so-delicately brushing the hair back from his eyes? God, I hate that guy. But I'll give him this: he's no rapist.
5. Never-ending Facebook notifications
Good Lord. I don't care if some dude I've never met left a painfully unfunny comment on a friend of a friend's picture three months after I left a comment. STOP EMAILING ME, ZUCKERBERG.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
And there is this month's winning caption, submitted by Gwen of Everything I Like Causes Cancer. Luckily for Gwen, being named Firecrotch of the Month does not cause cancer. Crotch rot is an entirely different matter though.
I also have to give an honorable mention to Cora for quoting that '80s classic, "Let's Go All the Way." And $10 says the lead singer of Sly Fox is now the guy inside that Sly Fox costume. $50 says he's unemployed and living in his mother's basement.
Sunday, November 07, 2010
As most of you probably know by now, I'm a huge fan of mix tapes and the lost art of making them. (See Exhibit A.) So, I recently got to thinking that "songs about mix tapes" would be a great theme for a mix tape. And I'm really not sure why it took me so long to think of this.
Let's just pretend that my blog is a dusty old cassette deck and and these fancy schmancy, embedded, digital links are tracks on a plastic Memorex tape.
"Rewind," Better Than Ezra - Cut a tape of my favorite songs/Said what I can't face to face/I hoped that you would share all my thoughts /We are young and unimpressed by all you'd recognize/So play it all over, turn it wide/Now there is nothing but a mix tape left behind/Now it won't rewind
This is one of my favorite songs EVER, so I know I've mentioned it more than once around these parts (including the aforementioned Exhibit A). I just think it very simply but perfectly captures what mix tapes are all about. Also, Better Than Ezra doesn't get nearly as much love as they should. Kevin Griffin's voice is the definition of sincere.
"Mixtape," Jamie Cullum - I'll make you mixtape that's a blueprint of my soul/It may sound grand but babe it's all you need to know/I'll make you a mixtape that will charm you into bed/It details everything that's running 'round my head
I think this song is pretty adorable, because it's a guy being honest about the fact that most guys make mix tapes for girls because they want to sleep with them. Jamie really paints a great visual picture here, describing the almighty mix tape as "a sparkling jewel of manual labour," and points out its extra-special place in our digital age: "This ain't no disc of mp3s/This one's hand-made, fashioned lovingly."
"Mixtape," Tift Merritt - I’m just making you mixtapes with homemade covers/Mazzy Star, Donovan’s Colors/Just an audio love letter painted blue/I spent all day making for you
This could be the female version of Jamie Cullum's song because, while it's definitely got some sexiness going on, Tift is a little more subtle than coming right out and saying, "Here's a tape; let's go to bed." I also dig that she compares herself to a "rare b-side," because I love b-sides, too! (See Exhibits B, C, D and E.)
"Mix Tapes/Cell Mates," Rocky Votolato -
I am a prisoner in the sunlight/You are my cellmate in the darkness/There's a box full of mix tapes with titles you came up with/They can show us where we came from but not how to get back there
Wow, this is really kind of a depressing song. It's mostly about a guy struggling through life, trying to make ends meet and do right by his woman, but the mix tapes play an important role in keeping his relationship together: "Listening to the songs can't heal my broken fingers/It's just weight for the anchor to keep your ship here."
"Song For A Mix Tape," The Ataris - Today I made you a mix tape to say exactly how I feel inside/And make you feel it too/These are the songs that make me smile and cry myself to sleep at night/When I'm lying without you
Here's a little blast of pop to pull you out of the funk the previous song may have caused. No, I'm not a of these guys. Yes, this is yet another band who sounds like Fall Out Boy (who sound like Blink 182, who sound like Green Day.) No, the lyrics to this song aren't particularly remarkable. Yes, I still like it. It doesn't really have to be remarkable to get the point across. It's about making a mix tape, which—if you haven't been paying attention this entire post— is a subject for which I'm a real sucker.
As a little bonus, here is a very cute and appropriate song from Avenue Q. And I think this is probably the first time anyone has used the words "appropriate" and "Avenue Q" in the same sentence.
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Well, here I am sporting the same feathered mullet featured in the first installment of this now recurring fashion feature. This must have been 1985, as the photo was taken in a hotel room in Washington D.C., where my class and I went for our 8th grade trip.
I have no idea where I got that ridiculous hat but I'm sure that when I found it, I was thrilled to death that my ensemble would finally have that extra oomph needed to blind passersby. The white canvas shoes were a staple of my wardrobe back in the day. Since they got dirty so quickly, I used to actually paint them with white shoe polish to keep them dazzling. The Members Only jacket was a piss-poor substitute for the one I really wanted—Simon LeBon's white jacket with the black sleeves, immortalized in "The Reflex" video.
Speaking of Duran Duran, the funniest bit about this photo isn't actually the horrific fashion choices or the ridiculous hair; it's the fact that I couldn't bear sleeping somewhere other than my own bedroom for two days without slapping up at least one John Taylor poster.
Monday, November 01, 2010
Theeeeere she is...Miss Big Wicked something-or-other-aaaaaaah....
Well, folks, it was a tight race, but Cora and her "safari gone bad" costume just edged out the monster—aka Skyler's Dad—to take the win.
Congratulations, Cora! Email me your mailing address and I will send you a musical treat! And feel free to post this stupid graphic on your blog.
Thanks to everyone who participated in this year's pageant. Hopefully, we can do it again next year!