Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Make Way For the Newest Firecrotch

For those of you not familiar with the gal in the picture: no, Pamela Anderson does not have a retarded cousin. This is Aubrey O'Day, probably best known as "that dirty, dirty whore on the TV." If that's a little too vague, then she's also the Christina Aguilera wannabe from Danity Kane. If you don't know who Danity Kane are, then you are better men and women than I, because I actually got sucked into Pee Diddly's series, Making the Band, from which they were spawned. Maybe I've liked a couple of their songs too. So what? Don't judge me! We're here to judge this broad!

So, this month's issue of Complex magazine, hilariously tagged as "The Classy Issue," has a very revealing interview and pictorial of Miss O'Day. (How a "buyer's guide for men," which is basically a trashier version of Maxim, can call itself "complex" is beyond me.) First off, the dudes at Complex try to make this all a little more palatable by claiming:

Our photo shoot with the 24-year-old starlet is every male’s fantasy and lampoons the lurid persona the blogosphere has cast on her. She’s wet, disheveled, and looking like “a hot mess” in the best way imaginable, which is why we’ve ironically dubbed this the “Classy” issue.
Ohhhh, I see. It's the blogosphere's fault that she has a bad rep. And her appearance in this magazine, which is sure to add to that rep, is all so very ironic. It makes total sense. I mean, if everyone in the world thought I was a giant slutbag, I would run right out and have a bunch of pictures taken where I look like a cracked-out, crab-infested, ten-cent hooker. And then I would talk about my pornstar friends and how much I love anal sex. And then when the public vomits en masse upon seeing my feature article, I would wag my finger at them and say, "Well, you made me this way."

If you want to see all of Aubrey's photos, you can find them here. I'm sure that most of the menfolk on my blogroll have already seen them and "celebrated" them, but will now pretend like they don't know who this chick is.

If the photos aren't enough to clue you in to her Firecrotch status, here is a brief run-down of her qualifications, culled from the fabulous interview:

1. She's full of shit. First she claims that reality TV created her persona, and then in the next breath practically says that she didn't care, and she was willing to be the "bad girl" of Danity Kane if that's what they needed. She also says that she doesn't sleep around. Her quote was, "I’ve only been with, um…my boyfriends." Um...did she really have to think about that word? Then, because she's such a young innocent, the bulk of the interview ended up being about sex and her period and having sex on her period.

2. She has her own clothing line. Uggghhhhhhh. Doesn't every scantily-clad celebutard have one these days? And she has a shirt in the line that says "I Love Dirty Texting." Great. I bet that's a big hit with all the 13-year-olds doing it on the school bus.

3. She can't masturbate to pornos starring Jenna Jameson anymore, 'cause she's her BFF and that's just weird. Hey, we've all been there.

4. She doesn't like bloggers! Well, obviously. We're all jealous turds who secretly want to be like her. Of course, she wants to bitch about how mean people in the media and blogosphere are, yet admits that as long as it makes her a bigger star, we can talk all the shit we want. This is the most important qualification for a Firecrotch, as I've now come to define it. You can't just be a whore sexually. You have to whore out your soul as well.

As insignificant and unlikable as this girl is, I found myself agreeing with her on at least one issue. She once blew off a guy because he texted her a message and spelled “tomorrow” T-O-M-A-R-R-O-W-W. I thought, "I would totally do that," and started to wonder if I hadn't misjudged Aubrey. Then I took a gander at a picture of her licking a dirty old stripper pole and just hoped she knew how to spell penicillin.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following items are curiously fascinating:

Yes, Vagina, There is a Britney Sex Tape - This news should only come as a shock to 40-year-old Claymate housewives who still think they have a chance with Mr. Aiken. The interesting thing here is that, of all the bed buddies that Britney could've taped herself with, she chose Adnan Ghalib. Of course. Because no one understands discretion and values privacy more than a paparazzo. Once again, this begs the question: Is Brit really that stupid or is she a manipulative, marketing genius?

Project Runway Turning Into A Real Lifetime Movie - Although the sixth season of PR is already in production, a judge has issued a preliminary ruling that may keep it off the air. Apparently, NBC is boo-hooing that the Weinstein Company violated the network's "right of first refusal" by taking the show to Lifetime. According to a Weinstein spokesperson, production on Season 6 will continue as the legal battle rages on. And if they can't come to an agreement, we can at least all look forward to Can't We Make It Work?, a Lifetime original starring Gail O'Grady as Heidi Klum, Peter Strauss as Tim Gunn, Kurtwood Smith as the evil Jeff Zucker, and George Dzundza and Dennis Franz as Harvey and Bob Weinstein. Special appearances by Meredith Baxter-Birney as Lifetime's Executive VP of Entertainment, JoAnn Alfano, and Valerie Bertinelli as Lifetime's VP of Reality Programming, Sandy Varo.

Heather Locklear Operates Heavy Machinery Against Her Pill Bottle's Advice - Hollywood vixen Locklear was arrested on Saturday for "driving erratically," presumably because she was all hopped up on her prescription meds. It was discovered later than Kimberly actually drugged her and put her in the car with the engine running, leaving her to die from carbon monoxide poisoning. However, Billy came by and revived her, making Allison really jealous. Allison jumped in Heather's car and accidentally ran over Jane, paralyzing her. Michael saw the car driving off and thought it was Heather who had run Jane over, so he headed for her place with a loaded gun. Sydney was spying on Michael and she...uh...hold up. I could have my facts messed up here.

ScarJo and Ryno Got Married, Yo - Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds tied the knot over the weekend. I've tried to care less about this news, but I just can't. But I am taking bets on how many more weekends this union will last.

Turtles Rock!! - Just click the link. Need I say more?

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Goodbye, Blue Eyes

Today, following a long battle with cancer, legendary actor Paul Newman passed away. Newman was not only one of Hollywood's most enduring and beloved performers, but he was one of the most stunningly beautiful men in the history of this planet.

I actually got a bit misty-eyed when I heard of Newman's passing, but not because he was gorgeous or famous. I was thinking about what a shame it is that a guy like him is such an anomaly in the entertainment business these days. He seemed like a genuinely good and decent person who didn't let his success go to his head. Not only did he devote much of his off-screen life to charitable causes, but he was one of those rare Hollywood men who remained devoted to his wife. In a time when most celeb marriages can't last past 50 days, it's refreshing to remember that Newman and actress Joanne Woodward were together for 50 years.

Paul Newman was an ordinary guy and an extraordinary one at the same time. He will be missed.

"I have taken roads that I wished I had not traveled on. And I'm traveling on some pretty exciting ones, too. Just hope when you get to that great racetrack in the sky, that the balance will tip slightly into those things that you'd be proud of." - Paul Newman

Friday, September 26, 2008

More Shocking Than Gaiken-gate 2008

Britney's new song is a piece of shit.

More on this story as it develops.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

I was pretty blank this week trying to come up with a video, but I suddenly thought of "New Girl Now" by Honeymoon Suite. I remember this video being in heavy rotation when it came out in 1984, and I kind of hated it at the time. It wasn't until I fell in love with their '86 single, "Feel It Again," that I started to re-think my position on this song. I wouldn't say it's one of my favorites, but it's one of those tunes that always seems to pop into my head on a fairly regular basis - like today!

The video is pretty awful. If it were being graded on the '80s Video Clichés scale, it would definitely get an A. Cheap graphics? Check. Hairspray? Check. Ridiculous clothing (fingerless gloves, headbands, armbands, lots of zippers and snaps, etc)? Check. Water? Check. Glass breaking? Check. Sluts? Check. A half-assed concept? Check. A magical concert where nothing needs to be plugged in? Check.

Watching this again, I can't help but think how much the "old girl" looks like Pat Benatar. But, I can totally understand why the guy dumped her for another chick. The "new girl" has a Delorean! She can travel through time!

By the way, this song spawned one of my favorite misheard lyrics. In the second verse, the singer says, "I tried to bury myself," but I always thought he was singing, "I try to play with myself." I always knew that was most likely not what he was saying, but I never cared to know the real line. I like it better my way.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Britney Mama So Crazy, Even Her Imaginary Friends Won't Make Eye Contact

Lynne Spears, the mom just slightly cooler than Amy Poehler's "cool mom" from Mean Girls, complained to Us Weekly that the public is full of hypocrites who mercilessly ripped on her daughter, Jamie Lynn, for winding up preggers, then turned around and patted Bristol Palin on the back for her mad babymaking skillz, while "celebrating" her mother, Sarah, for bringing Bristol up to think that condoms were high-rise apartments.

Is she serious? Bristol's pregnancy was just as "shocking" and hype-worthy as Jamie's, if not more so. I mean, we all expect celebutards to do stupid things. Most people would expect the daughter of a woman running for Vice President in one of the most crucial elections in history to be a little more careful. There was waaaay more drama and judgment surrounding Bristol's pregnancy than Jamie Lynn's.

I guess Lynne is just upset that most people probably think that Sarah Palin is a better mother than she is. For me, it's a toss-up. One's idea of preparing her daughter for teen life is "let's just not talk about sex and maybe it'll go away," while the other's is, "everything you ever need to know about sex, you can learn by playing doctor behind the shed." Neither approach really seems to work very well. Whatever happened to chaining your kids to the radiator? Doesn't anyone do that anymore??

Anyway, the interview went on with a possibly drunk Lynne rambling on about all the things she's "not allowed to say." Witness the following:

"We don't want this said, 'cause this would be glamorizing, but I will tell you a secret: her baby does sleep all night. What do you think about those apples? Maddie is the best baby I have ever seen. She is like a little angel. She's so contented. She laughs and she coos and ahead of herself [sic] with her stages . But of course we can't tell that because then we would just glamorize it more."

Ooh, how glamorous!

I understand that the rest of the interview went a little something like this...

Jamie Lynn's baby pictures, well I probably shouldn't say this, but they earn us a FORTUNE, y'all! She's just so cute 'n such a perfect, good baby who don't never cry, so anytime we see one of the paps we just roll down the car winder and stick her out so's they can take pics. Next thing you know, she's on the cover of Star and we get a big ol' check! She's like a magic baby who poops money or sumthin'! Oh! One time, we thought she really did poop money, but it was just 'cause Britney changed her diaper and used a $50 bill instead of a wipe for her bum, and she left it in the diaper. And all a sudden, we all seen Maddie walking around with money sticking up out her drawers! And we were like, "Woah, she pooped money," but then realized what happened and all. It was so funny.

Not to glamorize the baby pictures-for-profit biz, but those pics make us so much money that we don't hardly never eat at Mac-Donald's anymore, 'cept for in March when they got them shamrock shakes. Oh, theyz good. But, most times, we go out to famous 3 star places, like big restrints those guys from the Top Chef show cook at. Our favorite place though is Ruby Tuesdays where they just redid everything, and it looks sooooo fancy, kinda like the big Applebee's down by my old work. It's pretty awesome. And Maddie never cries during dinner so people don't give us mean looks or nothin'. People all see how wonderful Maddie is too, 'cause I hear a lot of 'em say stuff like, "Oh God, I would just love to take that baby away from those people," and jealous stuff like that there. That's just how good and cute and special she is! I mean, I know this all sounds real glamorous and all, so I really really shouldn't say this stuff, but it's true. We ain't glamorizing teen pregnissy; Jamie's just a glamorous teen who happened to get pregnit. No other teens could live a glamorous life like this 'cause they ain't rich and no one ain't gonna pay for pictures of THEIR babies. So they oughta keep it in their pants, is all I'm sayin'.


Monday, September 22, 2008

You Done Raised Me Up

I am probably a horrible pop culture blogger for not watching the Emmys last night. I spent the early part of the evening getting drunk while the Steelers lost, so I totally forgot that they were on. Then, when my roommates got home, we watched some of the DVD set of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which might be my new favorite show. If you don't have a PC stick jammed up your rear, you should really check it out.

Anyway, I heard that Tina Fey took home the best comedy actress award for 30 Rock, which is well-deserved, and that Jeremy Piven won a supporting actor award for his portrayal of Ari, the sleazy agent on Entourage. I don't know how it's considered "supporting," when he and Kevin Dillon totally carry that show. Seriously, does anyone tune in to see poor little Vince (Adrien Grenier) whine about his charmed life? God, I want to punch that guy. He looks like something that fell out of Greg Brady's ass.

All of the big winners can be found here.

And thanks to Beth for alerting me to Josh Groban's hilarious medley of TV theme songs.

Maybe the academy should get Josh to host next year. I heard the hosts really stunk up the place.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Late, As Usual

So, I've been seeing a lot of "it's my blogiversary" type posts recently, which made me realize that I never did one for myself this year. Ye olde Pop Eye has been around for three years (and three months) now. Feel free to have a belated celebration in my honor.

I also just realized that my blog debuted on June 17 (2005) and the movie Grease debuted on June 16 (1978). Mid-June must just be a magnet for greatness.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Sparks of Mediocrity

Well, folks, the end of the work week has arrived. I have no plans for the weekend right now, but I know exactly what I WON'T be doing. I won't be forking over $12 to see Nights in Rodanthe.

You know, I have never read a Nicholas Sparks book or seen any of the movie versions of said books, but I hate this guy with the heat of a thousand clichéd, passionate, doomed love affairs. Girls like Britney and Paris, who are only famous for sex kittenry, actually piss me off less than this guy. I suppose it's because I'm a writer and not a whore that his fame offends me so. He's like the Zoolander of authors. The man has only one book, for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? A Walk to Remember? The Notebook? Message in a Bottle? They're all the same thing! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

I invented the piano key necktie!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

My latest Starpulse post is a Top 10 list of the Best High School Movies. Little secret: the list isn't a completely accurate portrayal of my personal top 10, but I was trying to appeal to a larger audience than myself. Anyway, go check it out and leave a comment if you feel like it. (I think you have to sign up with a username to comment. I know I just lost most of you there.)

The reason I'm bringing this up now is because that piece actually inspired this week's video pick. I was kind of at a loss for which clip I should feature, when I started thinking of songs that were in some of those movies. When I thought of "Oh Yeah" from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, I realized that even though I've heard that song a million times, I've never seen the video. I wasn't even sure that a video existed, but...well, obviously one does or this would be a pretty pointless tangent.

So, here is Yello with one of the most ubiquitous songs in the history of history. Ohhhhh yeah.

You know, I always imagined that these guys would look like the dudes from Sprockets. I guess they're close enough. Their image is kind of like Sprockets-meets-Saul's Used Car Emporium. But their names are Dieter and Boris, which is pretty awesome, even if they're Swiss, not German.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following items are curiously fascinating:

The Brunch Club? - Sex and the City author Candace Bushnell is going after the younger set with The Carrie Diaries, two novels that chronicle Carrie Bradshaw's high school years. Personally, I can't wait for the animated series, Strumpet Babies, to hit Nickelodeon.

Pill Poppin' Pete - Fall Out Boy bassist Mr. Ashlee Simpson (aka Pete Wentz) recently revealed that he's totally dependent on Xanax, which he has to take to deal with anxiety, ADD, depression, insomnia, and...well, probably the DTs. Wentz says that his tolerance level for the drug is "very, very high," which must be nearly as high as his tolerance level for shitty music.

The Jonas Brothers Encourage Misguided Obsession - In a recent MySpace Q&A, the Jonas Brothers dangled a giant carrot in front of their tween following by insisting that they would rather date fans than other celebs. They state, "We really like to believe that the girl we will spend our lives with will be our biggest fan." Now, many things are wrong with this. For one thing, the way that sentence is structured makes it sound like all three of them will be marrying the same girl. That's just downright creepy. But let's say that it's just a case of bad grammar, and the boys were really referring to the girlsssss of their dreams. Okay, so it's not creepy anymore. It's just a big, evil lie. First of all, not too long ago, Kevin Jonas (don't ask me which one he is) told UK paper The Sun that they were all "too busy" to date and would never consider going out with a fan. I guess they decided that stance wasn't good for sales, so they concocted this nonsense. What's next? Will they offer up their collective virginity to the girl who spends the most money on their merch this year?

Courtney Love is Still a Filthy, Crazy Whore - Okay, so where to start with this one? Umm, let's start with MySpace, where most madness begins. Love's MySpace blog reads like a Choose Your Own Cracked-Out Adventure story written by an array of angry 13 year-olds. In this recent post, she attacks the Jonas Brothers for being virgins, calls Dave Grohl "mediocre," suggests that she is responsible for the great soundtrack to Almost Famous, and insanely blathers on about how she owns nearly all the property in North America and has five gazillion credit cards that everyone, especially Ryan Adams, is using to fund projects without her permission. If you haven't heard about it, Courtney claimed in July that Adams charged $858,000 to one of her AMEX cards to record and produce his 2003 album, Rock N Roll. Nice of her to wait five whole years before bringing this up, eh? (And right on the heels of her claim over the summer that someone stole Kurt Cobain's ashes. Of course, she didn't snort them by accident.)Adams maintains that he's been falsely accused. My gut reaction is to side with Adams here, mostly because I like his music and find him strangely attractive, but let's face it, he's not exactly the model of sane, sober living either. Whether the money was stolen or not, I'd like to make Courtney a deal. I will give her $858,000 if she promises to cut her tongue out and never leave the house again.

Russell Needs Some Brand New Friends - After British comedian Russell Brand received many bad reviews of his hosting gig at the VMAs, Noel Gallagher and Courtney Love have both come to his defense. I didn't watch the show, so I don't know if the guy was funny or not. But, he might want to tell these morons that he can fight his own battles and to please not spill their stink all over his career. I mean, of all the people in the world who I would never want vouching for me, the top 5 are:
1. Satan
2. Courtney Love
3. Noel and/or Liam Gallagher
4. Resurrected Zombie Hitler
5. O.J. Simpson

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

It's Better Than Lolcats!

Before I begin this entry, I just want to state for the record that I, in no way, understand what it is that I'm about to post. All I can say is that I no longer believe that music is the universal language.

I saw this video recently on Best Week Ever's website. Apparently, this MEG chick is big in Japan. Since she IS Japanese, that's not the joke that it would be if I were talking about an American artist. But seeing this made me realize why it's so easy for lame U.S. acts to become big in Japan. Those nutbags are easily entertained over there.

Again, I don't know what this is supposed to be, but if you can make it to the 2:33 mark, you'll be rewarded with sweet, sweet absurdity.

"Precious," MEG

Then there's this...

"Virgin Cat," Anna Tsuchiya

I don't believe that cat is really a virgin.

Surely, there is a better use for these kitties. I can't believe they're being wasted in videos when there are children starving in China.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Britneytards, Unite!

I didn't really blog about last week's MTV Video Music Awards because I couldn't bring myself to watch any of it - aside from Britney's intro, and that was only out of morbid curiosity. However, after hearing that Brit went home with several awards that night, I feel compelled to say something.

First, I have to say that I knew she was going to get at least one award. Leading up to the show, all I kept hearing about was how Britney was the "Susan Lucci of the VMAs," comparing the many VMA nominations that she'd received without a win to Lucci's losing streak at the Emmys. At first, I thought it was a ridiculous comparison, but then I remembered the one time I watched a bit of All My Children and realized that Lucci was just a really bad actress who probably didn't deserve to win an award. Of course, she eventually got one, evidently just for being a dinosaur and because American audiences love their happy Lifetime-movie endings. So, I knew that the same was about to happen for Britney (MTV's dinosaur at the ripe old age of 26) when her VMA "comeback" was relentlessly promoted for weeks before the show.

Now, even though I knew her appearance was going to be a big deal, I was still floored by the way she was practically canonized for walking out on stage and rushing through four lines. Before she even opened her mouth, she was given a standing ovation just for being there. I can think of a few awards ceremony moments when a standing O was justified. A post-stroke Kirk Douglas accepting his lifetime achievement award at the 1996 Oscars. A paralyzed Christopher Reeve's appearance at that same ceremony. Michael J. Fox's win at the 2000 Emmys after leaving Spin City due to Parkinson's disease. I don't know, call me crazy, but I really don't think that the return of a talentless media whore to the same awards show on which she dropped a big turd the year before qualifies for the same kind of emotional oupouring, just because she managed to dress herself, stand up straight, and remain coherent. (I will absolutely concede that she did look really good. But that in itself is not really worth standing up for either.)

And did everyone forget the completely unfunny skit she did with Jonah "almost as overexposed as Britney" Hill before her appearance onstage? I can't imagine that made anyone want to stand up and cheer.

But anyway, getting back to her actual appearance, I am amazed by the low standards that the public has for judging its icons. Britney's "peformance" on last year's VMAs was such a huge, embarassing belly-flop of a failure, that one might imagine it would take something pretty spectacular to erase that memory. But no. All it took were a few scripted lines and a sparkly dress. All of a sudden, idiots are calling hers the "biggest comeback EVER." Yeah, you know, this was so much more moving than when Gloria Estefan returned to the stage after nearly having her spine cracked in half.

As for Brit's award wins that night, I have no doubt that it was MTV's master plan all along to give her the moon men, essentially designing this great "comeback." Look at the songs/videos that were up for the Best Female Video:

  • "Touch My Body," Mariah Carey - As much as I dislike Carey and this song, I've at least heard it and seen the video.
  • "I Kissed a Girl," Katy Perry - Very pretty girl, very cute video, and probably THE song of the summer.
  • "Take A Bow," Rihanna - The new "it girl" with the best break-up song of the year.
  • "No Air," Jordin Sparks (with Chris Brown) - This song practically replaced the air that we breathe this year. It was everywhere.
  • "Piece of Me," Britney Spears - Um, a lot of people saw the clip on YouTube, but other than the die-hard Britneytards, does anyone remember ever hearing the song or seeing the video?? Britney has never been known for her vocal prowess, but this song is worse than most. She sounds like a rusty old robot trying out the few mad rhymes learned during her marriage to rapper extraordinaire, K-Fed. And the video? It's only slightly more energetic than her 2007 VMA performance.
So, up against four much better singers and their much more popular songs, I'm supposed to believe that Britney's win was on the up and up? Nope, not buying it.

"Piece of Me" also won Best Pop Video over clips by Danity Kane and Panic at the Disco, among others, and Video of the Year, inexplicably beating out the uber-popular Jonas Brothers, and Chris Brown's fantastic bubblegum dance hit, "Forever."

I had never seen the video when I heard about the wins so, soon after the VMAs, I checked it out on YouTube. I left a couple of comments there which weren't even mean, but the grammatically-challenged fans still had to give me the "thumbs down" for daring to say anything other than Britney's ass is made of gold, and she shits diamonds and pisses rainbows.

I actually spent a lot of time reading many of the comments there, and I just have to share some of them here. They're really too funny-sad to ignore.

Brandonxx: I don't know why us Britney fans wasting our time on haters.

Only UGLY CHICKS hate on Britney, Britney was always above them, and any flaw that she has they try and take that into advantage to make themselves feel better.

Bitches always forget Britney set the standard for most females today. Especially those blondes, Britney made that entire "hot blonde girl" trend what is now. Before Britney's reign back than, blondes weren't shit.

These chicks just dont see, Britney did it before you.

This one was my favorite. I'm not sure why, because it really makes my head hurt. I mean, before "back then" (and I can only assume he means all the way back in the early '90s) blondes weren't shit?? Really? Gentlemen Prefer what now? Who has more fun?? As a brunette, I can testify that this is definitely NOT true. And Britney set the standard? You mean she didn't just rip off Madonna's act and make it less interesting and more slutty? What was the name of that one tour Madonna did? Something Ambition? I can't remember. And who was that chick Madonna ripped off? Norma Jean something-or-other? Hmm, her name escapes me now. I guess it's not important. That was all pre-Britney, when brunettes and redheads ruled the world.

nde411: britney spears is working o her new album with Danja,sean gurret,blooshy and avant.she is also working with akon,lady gaga,farrel,chris brown and kanye west.who are writing some songs for britney so i think britney spears new album is going to be great.she is writing songs everyday with her piano so i can't wait.

I don't know any of those people you just mentioned or understand half of what you said, but holy shit, her piano is alive?? Awesome!

shatterskull666: I am so not the Britney fan, but Iam starting 2 become 1. Iam a recovering drug addict and by her showing the world that she is gunna put out a catchy album, win awards, win more time with her kiddies and trying 2 be good the whole time. BRAVO Brtna. U are an inspiration 2 all that are suffering. And in this song she is basically talking shit on herself and having it make sense. Lovely.

I don't know what's funnier - that comment or the screenname.

SupaBabe001: (in response to someone who suggested another commenter use proper grammar) I agree.. And winterredhead, who cares about grammer? Honestly, unless is l337 5p34k or spam or really stupid spelling then its annoying.

Well, isn't that special? Who cares about grammar, indeed! Britney don't know no grammer and look how famous she be!

ejgirl456: i love her she has presseure beyond pressure and yall need to be possitieve i mean if u knew her whick u DONT u wouldd b supportive not mean and u know it!!!!!!!!!

I tell you what I do know - none of those words are English.

aesopsdaughter: Very Nice calling everyone on their bullshit Everybody wanted to f**k Britney and got just a little too excited about the difficulties she was having. I for one am sick of the assholes who celebrate the sexy bitch pushed down on her face and I so f**kin happy to see her stand up and "say are you kiddin me?" The lesson - always be nice to sexy women.

You see, people? There IS a lesson in all of this. Always be nice to sexy women. The unsexy ones, of course, you can throw in a ditch somewhere.

NikAir21: The definition of Rock & Roll today...she´s not the "new" Madonna...she´s better!

So...much...wrong....with this...comment. Must...resist...passing....out.

Okay, I can't continue on with this, as one of my brain cells just stomped out through my ear, walked across my face, stood on my nose and bitch-slapped me.

But what was my original reason for posting? Oh yeah, Britney totally didn't deserve those awards. Point made in just a shade under 1500 words!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Sonic Sunday: Use Somebody

So, usually my (few and far between) Sonic Sunday posts feature several songs...and not usually that much alliteration. However, I'm just posting one song today because I'm convinced at this moment that it's, like, the best song ever.* EV-ER.

Download mp3

*Of course, I change my mind about this stuff every other day, but this song is so good that I think I'll feel this way for at least 5 days.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Get Your Filthy Politics out of My Pop Culture

By now, you all know that I pretty much steer clear of political topics. I'll give you a quick overview as to why.

It's not that I'm not interested in what's going on in the world, but I have an extreme dislike of most politicians. (Except Mike Gravel. I love that crazy bastard.) As an Independent, it riles me to hear the endless bickering between Democrats and Republicans, and nothing irks me more than people who think with their party's mind rather than their own. Twenty-four hour party people (not the fun kind) get so bogged down in finger-pointing and "I know you are but what am I" bullshit, that it always just seems like they care more about proving they're on the right side than doing what's right for the country.

You know how web designers say that if your page doesn't load in 8 seconds that people will lose interest? Yeah, well, when politicians can't answer a question or get to the point in under 8 minutes, I tune out. And since they all do that, I can't follow it and then I get stuck trying to hurriedly research everyone's stance on the issues 5 days before every election. This isn't my fault, it's theirs. The issues interest me. The political cesspool that surrounds them do not. So, all the snooty snootersons who like to look down on me for caring more about what's going on on The Office than inside the Oval Office can shove it.

Besides, those snooty snootersons are getting closer to my world than they realize. Politicians are the new celebutards, thanks in no small part to the public's sudden fascination with Republican vice presidential candidate, Sarah Palin. Think I'm a buffoon for writing about Britney getting knocked up? Okay. Would it make me look smarter if I wrote about Bristol getting knocked up?

I've heard and read countless items about Palin over the last couple weeks, and less than 2% of them have anything to do with her qualifications (or lack thereof) and stance on the issues (other than her love of guns and babies). All I know is...Gossip Girl's Chace Crawford thinks she's hot! Matt Damon thinks she's not! OMG, she totally looks like Tina Fey! Oprah hates her! Heart won't let her play "Barracuda!" She's a Steelers fan! No wait, she's a Seahawks fan! She's got great hair! Uggggh.

The most ridiculous bit I've heard recently is Palin's sudden elevation to fashion icon. According to the VP of eyewear distributor Italee Optics, Sarah Palin's $375 signature "rimless eyeglasses" are all the rage. (Even with men. Like, George Costanza, maybe?) Sales of the Palin frames have quadrupled in the last week, forcing the eyeglass elves to work 24/7 in order to meet demand. The red high heels that she wore to the RNC are also very popular now, and not just with Kellie Pickler. So hey, who really cares if Palin doesn't know what the Bush Doctrine is? She's fierce!

I guess this shouldn't be a huge surprise, since Hillary Clinton got a ton of attention for her never-ending rainbow of pantsuits. And, of course, every happening chick in the '60s wanted to borrow Jackie Kennedy's style. So, maybe all of this Palin worship isn't that shocking, but it's still stupid. Focusing on what (or who) politicians are wearing is just as much a waste of time as focusing on the political views of the Hollywood glitterati. But I get the feeling that women who wear the Sarah Palin and Michelle Obama costumes think that they're somehow better than ones who follow the fashion choices of Sarah Michelle Gellar. Why? I liken these women to girls who wear pink football jerseys. They really don't know anything about football, but they want to be involved and look cute at the same time. Really. If you care more about looking at the world through Palin's snazzy glasses than examining her world view, you're no political whiz yourself. I bet you don't know what the Bush Doctrine is either.

Ooh, ooh! Wait, I know! It has something to do with Gavin Rossdale, right? Like, he'll rule the country someday, maybe? That's cool!

Noooo, stoopid. It's, like, that law that says the paps have the right to take pictures of your bush if you don't take preventive measures to cover it. Gosh! You should know this by now.

P.S. That fake Vogue cover is not my handiwork. Come on, it's good, but my Photoshopping is so much better. Because I'm awesome! Everyone, start dressing like me!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

(Booze) Make Me Lose Control

Singer Eric Carmen, best known for wonderfully schmaltzy tunes like "All By Myself" and "Hungry Eyes," got slapped with his second DUI on Tuesday. I guess the arresting officers took one look at him and he couldn't disguise his glassy eyes. (Hilarious mugshots here.)

Actually, the cops' first clue that Carmen was impaired came when he plowed into an innocent fire hydrant. Then, when the boys in blue asked for Carmen's ID, he handed them a credit card. When he couldn't mambo a straight line during the field sobriety test, police whipped out the breathalyzer and Carmen blew an impressive .23 - three times the legal limit.

Neither Carmen nor his passenger, a half-kicked bottle of Grey Goose, were hurt in the wreck.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

Since yesterday's post revolved around Alice Cooper and his non-email-returning ways, he gets to star in this week's forgotten classic.

This one is "Lost in America" from Alice's 1994 album, The Last Temptation. I was never really familiar with this song until Beavis and Butthead introduced me to it. It's basically the anthem of slackers caught up in their own vicious circle.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

She Asked Me Why the E-Mailer's Name Wasn't Alice

I was checking StatCounter again yesterday, because I always get a good chuckle out of some of the bizarre search terms that lead people to my blog. There was one this time around that really cracked me up because it seemed awfully random and, at the same time, intriguing. I couldn't help but wonder if this person was a wronged friend looking for answers in all the wrong places, or just some nutty stalker. Take a look.

It's an interesting question, no? After laughing about it for 10 minutes, I started to think, "Hmmm...why doesn't Alice Cooper answer this person's e-mails?" Always one to help any misguided soul who thinks this blog has any answers, I will play advice columnist and offer up a few possibilities.

  • He's too busy during the day, and he doesn't like to e-mail at night because it takes valuable time away from his sleepy-time ritual.
  • He's too busy feeding his Frankenstein.
  • He's too busy with his duties at the Department of Youth.
  • He's got a baby's brain and an old man's heart. Hence, he hasn't really caught on to this whole "e-mail" craze yet.
  • He's got no class and he's got no principals. Er, principles.
  • He's just tired of being Mr. Nice Guy all the time. Deal with it.
  • He only uses his computer to communicate with the dead.
  • He's just not that into you.
  • He's tired of your shit. (Applies to Colonel Sanders only. For the last time, he is not making reparations to the chickens.)

Monday, September 08, 2008

Caption Crotch-test Contest #14

"Give it up for Wal-Mart's close out section!"

There's your winning caption, kids, supplied by Evil-E. I don't know, it's just the one that made me laugh the hardest. I mean, Jess does look a heckuva lot more like Novalee Nation than a pampered pop (er, country) star.

Honorable Mentions

Because "Jessica is dumb" jokes never get old:
"Now everybody sing with me on the count of three. One, twelve...uh, four..." - Cormac Brown

Because it's self-referential and I'm a narcissist (even though he put the damn apostrophe in the wrong place):
"So you four at the back took Pop Eye's 80's Movie Quiz ? I was wondering who did." - Pepe

Because it would have been the real winner if I wasn't afraid that it would get my blog an X rating:
Something that the Imaginary Reviewer said. It was perv-larious. Go read the comments.

Yes, yes, you first losers are all very funny. But the decision has been made. The torch has been passed. The short hairs have been singed. Enjoy it while it lasts Evil-E. Enjoy it while it lasts.

By the way, I really love when the winners don't have profile photos. That means I get to represent them in the best way I see fit.

Great Moments in American History*

"Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation: conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal..."

"This great Nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself..."

"Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about a bad break I got. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth."

"My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you - ask what can you do for your country."

"I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal..."

"Thank you so much. Thank you for all the love. I'm here tonight to celebrate a very important birthday, the 25th anniversary of the VMAs. This is the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards and it starts right now."

Boy, MTV really wasn't kidding when they said Brit had something special in store for us. Truly glorious.

*Only loosely based on Letterman's "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches." His bit is funnier, of course.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Are You Ready for Some Football (Or Some Blogging about Football)?

Well, kids, football season is officially upon us! My beloved Steelers turned this mutha out with a 38-17 win today over the Texans, and Pats QB Tom Brady jacked up his knee, so the season is starting off beautifully. (Oh shut up, Pats fans, your team of cyborgs still won. And Brady is probably already home getting iced down and "massaged" by a team of Victoria's Secret models. Boo hoo.)

As much as I love the game, I'm not the best sports blogger, so if you're a football fan you should really check out Kissing Suzy Kolber. It's obscene, politically incorrect, and so satirically dead-on that it makes me cry tears of hilarity on a daily basis.

Earlier this year, one of the authors, "Christmas Ape," revealed himself as Michael Tunison, a writer for the Washington Post. The Post then fired him for "bringing discredit to the paper." Yeah. So you know this blog is good.

If it weren't for KSK, I never would have discovered that both of our current vice presidential candidates are Steelers fans. Although, that knowledge hasn't swung my Independent vote one way or the other just yet because the fact remains that they're both still jagoffs.

These Are Totally the Answers to the '80s Movie Quiz!

So, I thought the turnout for the music quiz was bad. Only 10 brave souls bothered to take the movie quiz. I guess some people (*cough*Falwless*cough*) just couldn't spare any precious porn-surfing time.

Proving that she's not a neo-maxi zoom dweebie is Kat, who takes top honors with her score of 15 out of 21 points! For that, Kat, I tip my hat...and I give you this major award.

Coming in at 2nd place with 13 points is Ria, and all tied up at 3rd place with 12 points each are Malcolm and Jon. Each runner up gets a free subscription to my blog and this framed photo of John Kapelos.

And now...the answers!

Part I: Quotes - Identify the movie that belongs to each quote.
(1 pt each)

1. "Uh, Dick? Excuse me. Rich? Will milk be made available to us?"
The Breakfast Club

2. "Suck my fat one, you cheap dime store hood."
Stand By Me

3. "He's an idiot. Comes from upbringing. His parents are probably idiots too."
Back to the Future

4. "Son, you got a panty on your head."
Raising Arizona

5. "You are the vulgarian, you fuck."
A Fish Called Wanda

Part II: Scenes

Identify the movie that corresponds to each still frame.

(1 pt each)

*Click pictures to enlarge.
The Princess Bride

Weird Science


Heaven Help Us

Two of a Kind

Part III: General Trivia
(1 pt each, unless otherwise specified)

1. In Better Off Dead, how much did Lane owe the paperboy? (Note: This is what's known as a "gimme." I will endlessly, publicly mock anyone who does not know this.)
A: $2.00!!!!

2. According to Raymond Babbitt, which airline never had a crash?
A: Qantas

3. Originally created as Cheech and Chong Join the Army, the script was rewritten to become this 1981 comedy. Name it.
A: Stripes

4. In 1985, The Color Purple received 11 Oscar nominations. How many did it win?

a. 0
b. 1
c. 5
d. 8
e. 11

5. Which of these actors was not considered for the role of Ferris Bueller?

a. Johnny Depp
b. Emilio Estevez
c. Tom Cruise
d. Michael J. Fox
e. Robert Downey, Jr.

6. What are the first names (or nicknames) of the seven main greasers in The Outsiders? (Note: It's all or nothing, kids. You have to know all seven to get the point!)
A: Darrel (Darry), Sodapop, Ponyboy, Dallas (Dally), Johnny, Keith (Two-Bit), and Steve

7. Which three musicians played The Three Most Important People in the World in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure?
A: Clarence Clemons (The E Street Band), Fee Waybill (The Tubes), and Martha Davis (The Motels)
Jon was the only one to get this question right, although I should give half a point to Kat for at least knowing who they all were, even if she didn't know all of their names. Then again, Kat really doesn't need any extra points.

8. This oft-forgotten 1984 flick, which starred Chris Penn and Eric Stoltz, was considered a sequel to Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Name it. (Bonus point: Who sang the theme song?)
A: The Wild Life; Bananarama

9. Who taught John Travolta how to do the two-step for Urban Cowboy?
A: Patrick Swayze

10. What was Chuck's apartment number in Night Shift? (This question isn't as random as it seems. If you love this movie like I do, you'll understand.)
A: 4K
No one got this right, as I kind of expected. I do think it's funny though that Tony Alva remembered that the late Vincent Schiavelli played the guy who delivered Chuck's sandwich and smeared mustard on his door frame. Surprising then, that he didn't remember Vincent stomping down the hall, then yelling, "Where the fuck is 4K??" When Chuck says, "What?" he replies, "Excuse me, I didn't know you wuz deaf...4K!!!" For some reason, I love that part of the movie. I actually applied for a job once with a company called 4K Entertainment and I was praying to God that I would get hired just so I could say that line every day. It would have never gotten old. Alas, it wasn't in the stars.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Don't Delay, Subscribe Today!

I've often thought about starting up a Tiger Beat-type mag as a print alternative to my blog. I figured it would help those of you who don't want to lug your computer into the bathroom every time you want to spend an hour catching up on all the hot celeb scoop. Well, I only needed to open up my fave program, Photoshop, to turn my dreams (and yours) into a reality!

If anyone needs me today, I'll be at Kinko's.

Thursday, September 04, 2008


So, after months of rumors and blah-blah-blahing, it's been announced that Britney Spears will once again open the MTV Video Music Awards, but not with an exciting musical performance. Hey, why should anything change from last year?

Since Britney thankfully has no new "music" to promote, everyone (well, tweens and fauxhawked boys who work at Uniqlo) is on the edge of their seats, wondering what spectacular surprise she has up her sleeve for Sunday's event. Odds are that she has nothing planned and intends to just show up and halfheartedly wing it. Hey, why should anything change from last year?

However, just in case Brit is looking for a bit more structure for this year's VMA appearance, I have compiled a list of possible openings for her consideration.

  • Pull a rabbit out of her vagina.
  • Make out with Bristol Palin.
  • Demonstrate how to make easy and delicious Percocet Gumbo.
  • Reenact the romantic dinner scene from Lady and the Tramp with Spaghetti Cat.
  • Reveal her plan to ensure more accountability in the subprime lending industry.
  • Challenge Kobiyashi to a hot dog eating contest.
  • Come out dressed like The Joker; jam a pencil through Kanye West's skull.
I think everyone's a winner with the last option, but the censors may not like it. Anyone else have any other ideas?

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

This week's video comes to us courtesy of Night Ranger, from their 1985 album, 7 Wishes or, as most people refer to it, the one that doesn't have "Sister Christian" on it. Or, as I refer to it, the one that inflicted "Sentimental Street" on the world. I mean really. "Out on Sentimental Street in the avenuuuuuuues?" What the hell does that even mean? God, I hate that song. Just thinking about it is making me want to go out on 10th Avenuuuuuue and start punching people. I'd better move on.

Night Ranger was still trying to pass itself off as a real rock 'n' roll band in the mid-'80s, even after "Sister Christian" proved that they were really just pop 'n' roll. There were probably a few "rockin'" moments here and there on 7 Wishes, but overall it was the ship that sailed the band right into the sea of adult contemporary mediocrity.

Whether they're rock, pop, or schlock, a lot of people unfairly and innacurately consider Night Ranger a one-hit wonder. Maybe those people smoked a lot of weed in the '80s and can't remember that they hit it big before "Sister Christian" with "Don't Tell Me You Love Me" and "(You Can Still) Rock in America." They continued with a string of hits after also, including "When You Close Your Eyes," "Goodbye," the aforementioned song that makes me want to commit assault, the one from the stupid Michael J. Fox movie that makes me want to commit murder, and this one, "Four in the Morning." I really loved this song when it came out, and adored the video for reasons I can't quite recall looking at it now. It's really pretty ridiculous. I'm sure it had something to do with my small crush on Jack Blades which, I'm happy to say, has since been crushed. I still love that blue jacket he's sporting though. That's kick-ass.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

In a World Where Movie Trailers Are Now Less Exciting...

Don LaFontaine, the master of the raspy voice-overs, died on Monday.

Here's an interesting clip about Don's career that includes a funny bit about him actually complying with random fans' requests to record their voicemail messages.


So, four whole people have taken the '80s movie quiz so far. And two of you have already admitted to never having seen Better Off Dead. Man, you people are a bunch of Zabkas.


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine