Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Farewell, 2008

In 8 hours, it will be 2009. Sounds very futuristic, no? But I still don't have a jetpack or telepod. *sigh*

Before we ring in the new year, let's say goodbye to the old one by taking a quick look back at 2008 - the way I saw it. I wish I could afford to have that fast-talking guy from the '80s FedEx commercials do this in podcast form, but I can't. As you know, 2008 was something of a bitch where money was concerned. So, just read this really quickly and it will be almost as good.

Lindsay Lohan was, like, a lesbian or something. Heath Ledger died. American Idol fans were mad about all the "ringers" in Season 7. Some really hot dude named Michael Johns was one of them. The Steelers didn't make it to the Super Bowl, but the Giants beat the Patriots, so it was all good. Paula Abdul answered absolutely no one's demands by releasing a new single. Jamless Joplin became my best nickname since Chrustin Richardslake. Good Lord, that Michael Johns guy was hot. The TV writers' strike ended. Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova had a very nice moment when they won Best Original Song at the Academy Awards, although it didn't quite make up for the academy completely snubbing Eddie Vedder's Into the Wild soundtrack. Myron Cope (the voice of the Steelers) died. Christian Siriano made Season 4 of Project Runway the fiercest ever. Michael Johns became almost intolerably hot. I discovered Photoshop right around the time my Michael Johns obsession became completely out of control. Charlton Heston died. The pregnant man freaked everyone out for a millisecond. Michael Johns was "voted off" AI. I went ballistic. Michael Johns ended up on every talk show under the sun. I was happy. Amy Winehouse and Britney Spears had a contest to see who was the most effed up. Tween sensation Miley Cyrus shed her clothes for a controversial Vanity Fair cover. John Travolta briefly sported a horrifying Fu Manchu-ish mustache. Paula Abdul critiqued Jason Castro on an episode of AI before he even sang, making her appear more effed up than either Britney or Amy. David Cook won American Idol. Gaggles of girls put on their designer best to sit in dark theaters for 2 hours watching the Sex and the City movie. John Mayer inexplicably continued to bag hot chicks. Nashville Star sucked, but it did introduce the world to Miley Cyrus' future jailbait loving boyfriend. Jamie Lynn Spears had a baby, kicking off a string of celeb births. Pam Anderson got back together with Tommy Lee for the umpteenth time. George Carlin died. Tim Russert died. Harvey Korman died. A shitload of other celebs died (all in threes, of course). Boy George had a love slave. Kanye West continued his general assholery. Madonna hooked up with A-Rod and got divorced. Britney lost custody of her kids. The Verne Troyer sex tape surfaced. The word "bromance" became nearly as overused and annoying as "my bad." Morgan Freeman wrecked his car and got divorced. Bernie Mac, Estelle Getty, and Isaac Hayes died. The Olympics were boring. Michael Phelps became even more overexposed than Beyoncé. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DeRossi got married. Teen shit took over the music and TV worlds. American Idol decided to bring in a 4th judge for its next season, to offset some of Paula's nutbaggery. I put out a hit on the girl in the Secret Flawless commercial. DJ AM and Travis Barker survived a plane crash in South Carolina. SPAGHETTI CAT. Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin became even more overexposed than Michael Phelps. Tina Fey did a better Sarah Palin than Sarah Palin. Obamamania swept the country. Britney Spears was practically canonized for her "comeback," which consisted of standing upright for a whole minute and uttering a few scripted lines. Kings of Leon kicked everyone's musical asses. Clay Aiken came out of the closet and shocked no one. Britney's new album sucked hard. Jennifer Hudson endured a family tragedy. Paul Newman died. David Duchovny faced his addiction to sex. Lindsay Lohan was happy that Barack Obama became our first colored president. Beyoncé took back her crown as most overexposed celeb. Puppies were everywhere. Hugh Jackman was the sexiest man alive. A bunch of celebutard couples broke up. Ashlee Simpson won the stupid baby naming contest by calling her son Bronx Mowgli. Guns N' Roses finally released Chinese Democracy. It wasn't really worth the wait. Some dude threw his shoes at George Bush.

...aaaand that's about it. Aside from Michael Johns and the Puppy Games, 2008 was a pretty underwhelming year for entertainment. Here's hoping for a lot more in 2009.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Firecrotch of the Year

Sorry that I've kept you all in suspense over this Firecrotch of the Year business, everyone. As it turns out, sickness enjoys attacking me while I'm on vacation. Even though just about everyone in my office had been sick over the two weeks leading up to Christmas, I managed to stave off any infections. But of course I was immediately violated by Pleghmmy Pleghmmerson and his gang the minute I set foot in Pittsburgh. So, it's been a little hard to blog during the 5 hours a day that I'm actually awake and coherent. Especially since my Dad got a Wii for Christmas, and I've somehow become a friggin' pro at tennis, even while in a Vicks Vap-o-rub haze and suffering from perpetual glassy eyes.

Anyway, I don't feel too badly about keeping you in "suspense," because, let's face it, everyone knew that Pistols was gonna win. Even if you didn't check the latest poll results, it couldn't have been too hard to figure out. That bastard wins everything. He even beat me out for Blogger of the Year. But I'm not bitter. I don't blame him. I blame YOU. Just because a guy is consistently funny and updates his blog regularly, you go and vote for him? What is the blogosphere coming to?

But whatever, this isn't a pity party for me, it's a Pistols party. So, here's your badge, mister. Wear it with honor. I will admit that, if I hadn't put this to a public vote, I would've awarded you Firecrotch of the Year myself, so everything's as it should be.

Pistols, of all the "Of the Years" this year, you're the Of the Yeariest.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

For a quick dose of the warm fuzzies, click the cookie below to be redirected to Fire That Agency, where you'll find my favorite Christmas commercial.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Forgotten Classic (Christmas) Video of the Week

I'm going to do something I've never done here at The Pop Eye and re-run a classic video. Stop gasping. It's not really that big of a deal. All your favorite TV shows will be in reruns this week, too. And this is my favorite Christmas song of all time, so I can't NOT post it.

Billy Squier says that "Christmas is the Time to Say I Love You," so, well, *ahem*, I love you. Every one of you. Of course, after Christmas I'll probably tell you that I don't remember saying that because I was all hopped up on wassail.

Have a great holiday, everyone! I'm off to the 'Burgh for 10 days, but if you're very, very good, BeckEye Claus will bring you some new blog posts.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Another Reason to Celebrate

Today is a very special day, and one that sometimes gets overlooked because of its close proximity Christmas. I know that this time of year is for Christians to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ (even though he was really born in the summer), but let's not forget another important man—Eddie Vedder—who turns 44 on this day.

At the risk of having a bunch of zealots try to burn down my blog, I would like to point out that there are many similarities between Jesus and Eddie. Observe...

- They both have gorgeous, naturally wavy hair.
- They both look good with a beard.
- They both were raised by men who weren't really their fathers.
- They're both wine drinkers.
- They're both big fans of that whole "peace on Earth" deal.
- They both have legions of "disciples" who will follow them around the country, or at least go see them every time they're in town.
- Their words are often misinterpreted.
- They're often misunderstood by the press.

I guess that's about it, but that's quite a lot! I guess when it comes down to it, Jesus is probably the "better man" because he died for our sins. But I'd still like to commit a few sins with Eddie before I die.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Hee-Haw and Merry Christmas

I guess I should be doing more of those year-end list dealies, and maybe I will, but I had to make a quick mention of something else first.

My friend Dave and I went to a showing of It's a Wonderful Life last night at the IFC Center in the West Village. It was an actual film. Like, on a projector. Being able to look back and see that projector running in the little window was pretty damn cool. I can't remember the last time I'd seen a movie shown "the old -fashioned way."

Of course, just getting to see IAWL on the big-screen was quite a thrill. It's one of my favorites, and it always amazes me to think that it was actually a flop when it premiered back in 1946. But I guess it's kind of hard to follow World War II with a heartwarming tale of faith, love, and friendship.

I've never been able to get through this movie with dry eyes, and last night was no exception. I hate crying, especially in public, so as the final scenes started to play out, I tried my best to fill my head with thoughts like, "George is probably cheating on Mary with Violet," but I knew it wasn't true. I felt my throat start swelling when Harry Bailey toasted to his brother, "the richest man in town," and my eyes got cloudy when George read Clarence's message written inside his copy of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer: "Remember, George - No man is a failure who has friends." And then as soon as that bell rang...well, nothing could stop those tears from falling. That damn Clarence and his damn wings get me every time.

I do have to mention one thing, which might be appropriate following a post featuring Gary Glitter. Every time I see this movie, I am always struck by how cute the actor who plays young George is. Goodness me, he is adorable. Oh, to have been a cougar prowling the streets of Bedford Falls. Am I sick? Look, in my defense, I think the kid looked much younger than he was. I looked it up. He was 13 when that movie came out. People got married when they were 13 back in those days, right? RIGHT? And hell, 13-year-olds get a ton of action these days. Didn't you all see Thirteen?? I've seen it a few times, but only because Jeremy Sisto is in it. See? I like ADULT men. Mostly. I guess I still kind of lusted after Jeremy back when he did that Twisted Sister video. And, boy, that little George Bailey was a hottie. Er, I mean, a cutie.

Anyway, I've often wondered if the actor - Robert J. Anderson - ever blossomed into a gorgeous man, but I've never been able to find any pics of him as a grown up, except for ones of him when he's quite elderly. After leaving the theater last night, I mentioned my improper big-screen crush to Dave, and he informed me that Robert Anderson just died over the summer. Bummer.

Well, I hope he had a wonderful life.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Forgotten Classic Video(s) of the Week

I'm going to continue with my giving Christmas mood and post two vids today. The first is another from the good old days of MTV, but this one doesn't have Pee Wee Herman. Instead, you get John Lee Hooker dressed up like Santa. It'll do. Here is George Thorogood's "Rock 'N' Roll Christmas."

While watching this, I thought no one could top Alan Hunter's quintessential white '80s guy dance moves...until the dude at the 3:00 mark. Oh yeah.

I also laughed at the beginning when George told his sax player that he was having a rock 'n' roll Christmas, and the guy had to ask, "What's that?" I didn't realize that was so hard to figure out. But then I found this old gem by Gary Glitter, "Another Rock 'N' Roll Christmas." And, in the sax player's defense, I think Gary's definition might be a bit different than George's. When he sings, "You'll never guess what you've got from me," I can't help but think, "I bet I can! Kiddie porn!"

I'm sorry, that's wrong. Gary would never buy kiddie porn and then give it away.

Aaaaanyway, try to forget that this guy is a huge perv for about 3 minutes, because this really is a pretty groovy song.

Sorry that the quality of both of these videos is sub-par. That's the way it goes sometimes in this YouTube world of ours.

Monday, December 15, 2008

The 20 Best Songs of 2008

It's that time of year when bloggers force their musical opinions on everyone, and I'm no different. Well, unless you consider the fact that my opinions are actually better than all those other ones. Then I suppose I'm very different. And very awesome.

But enough about me. Behold, the best tunes of 2008!

(Click any link to go to the download page. Music files will be available for a limited time.)

20. "You Don't Understand Me," The Raconteurs from
Consolers of the Lonely
I'm not a huge fan of The Raconteurs (or White Stripes, for that matter) but they always manage to grab me with something. With their first album, it was the funky blues-rock track, "Level," and with the new record, it's this softer, piano-heavy, melancholy tune. I don't know if would necessarily console any lonely souls. Just based on this track alone, I would've called the album Commiseration With the Lonely.

19. "Rebel In You," Supergrass from
Diamond Hoo Ha
One of my favorite Brit bands came back this year with an album that was a bit of a disappointment. I just wasn't feeling most of it, but I do love this Bowiesque song, even if the chorus is not as interesting as the rest of it.

18. "If I Were A Boy," Beyoncé from
I Am...Sasha Fierce
I hate to give Beyoncé even more attention, but I have to give her props here. This song is a little melodramatic, but coming from someone who loves Jim Steinman's music, that's a compliment.

17. "Being Here," The Stills from Oceans Will Rise
The Stills are one of those bands who always put out at least one song per album that I really love, so then I look further into their catalog only to realize that I don't care about them that much. It's not that they're not a good band; they're just kind of non-descript. They float around in musical average-land where it's easy to get lost without some kind of flash or gimmick, neither of which they have. But, hey, they do have one of the best songs of 2008.

16. "Shake It," Metro Station from Metro Station
Although Metro Station's debut album was released in September 2007, this single didn't chart until early 2008. It quickly became one of the most infectious, and possibly overplayed, hits of the summer. I will make no apologies for loving this song. Of course, I caught about a minute of the video and I immediately wanted to punch all of these guys, especially the singer. It came as no surprise when I discovered that he's actually Miley Cyrus' half-brother. But, whatever. As long as I never have to lay eyes on these dorks again, I will happily be-bop around to this song.

15. "Never Miss A Beat," Kaiser Chiefs from Off With Their Heads
Yay, more Brit pop! There's quite a bit of it on this year's list. I think this song, with it's slacker message of "It's cool to know nothin'" would be quite popular with Beavis and Butthead. My favorite line is not slacker-related, but, "What do you want for tea?/I want crisps." I guess because "crisps" just sound so much more refined and less fattening than our American potato chips.

14. "Mr. Richards," R.E.M. from Accelerate
I haven't really been impressed with R.E.M. since Automatic for the People (aside from the 2005 single, "Leaving New York"), and I wasn't all that impressed with what I heard from Accelerate. However, this track is like a dose of the good old Document-era R.E.M. that I loved.

13. "Back Of The Van," Ladyhawke
from Ladyhawke
I posted this song a few months back in a post that Blogger must have eaten, because it just mysteriously up and disappeared one day. Ladyhawke is actually Pip Brown, a one-woman Kiwi band who, judging by her stage name and synth-heavy music, is a lover of all things '80s. A lot of the good songs on the record sound much like this one - some sort of variation of "Jump" with vocal stylings somewhere in between Cyndi Lauper and Chrissie Hynde. I'm sure that sounds awful to some people (mullet heads), but Ladyhawke is really a lot of fun.

12. "Barking At The Moon," Jenny Lewis from Bolt Official Soundtrack
Jenny's solo album, Acid Tongue, got quite a bit of critical attention this year (good and bad), so you may wonder why I went off the board and picked her song from an animated movie for my list. Well...because I like it. Duh! The only songs I really dug from her album were "Godspeed" and "Carpetbaggers," and I didn't like either of them as much as this cute little country-ish tune. And no, it has nothing to do with John Travolta voicing the dog in the movie. You don't see me picking his duet with Miley Cyrus as one of the best songs of the year, do you? (But I will say that it, surprisingly, wasn't bad and that HE was the best part of it. And yes, I forced my niece to sit in the theater all the way until the end of the credits so I could hear him sing.)

11. "Electric Feel," MGMT from Oracular Spectacular
I've always had a weird thing for men singing falsetto. Overall, I'm not a huge MGMT fan, but this is a really catchy track with a Bee Gees vibe. And kudos to any song that rhymes electric eel with electric feel. I mean, really, how many options are there?

10. "No Sunlight," Death Cab For Cutie from Narrow Stairs
You might think this would be another somber, shadowy song like "I Will Follow You Into the Dark," but it's actually super-peppy and cute. It's like the Red Bull chaser to the former song's whiskey-and-Nyquil cocktail.

9. "Forever," Chris Brown from Exclusive - The Forever Edition
Okay, so I know I should probably hate this song on principle considering that Wrigley's paid Brown to write it as a jingle for Doublemint gum. But I can't hate it. It's too good. If Dody Goodman were still with us, God rest her soul, she would probably say, "When I hear 'Forever' I just can't make my feet behave!"

8. "Sirensong," The Cure from 4:13 Dream
Oh, in a world full of emo poseurs, isn't it nice to have The Cure back? This is a wonderful (if not a little too short) song that rivals the beauty of "Just Like Heaven."

7. "Chick Lit," We Are Scientists from
Brain Thrust Mastery
First of all, I have to say that this is probably my favorite album title of the year. (Diamond Hoo Ha is a close runner-up.) I don't know what "brain thrust mastery" means, but it's awfully fun to say. And that it sounds slightly dirty doesn't hurt. We Are Scientists really surprised me this time around, as they don't really sound like the same band from 2006's With Love and Squalor. I don't know about everyone else, but my opinion is, that's a good thing. They used to sound like every other indie post-punk/power pop band on the block, but now they're taking on a more retro sound and making some slick, stylish, new wave-influenced pop. I had a hard time choosing my favorite from the record. My close second choice was "Lethal Enforcer," which is equal parts The Fixx, Thompson Twins, and Psychedelic Furs, but "Chick Lit" won out in the end, mostly due to the "wailing siren" guitar line and the feeling that this could very well be a lost Duran Duran song.

6. "Fix It," Ryan Adams & The Cardinals from Cardinology
Unlike Aerosmith, Ryan Adams' music didn't get worse with sobriety. He may not have gotten better either, but he's at least become consistent. This is my favorite track from the new album, which is essentially a sad song about lost love, but the line, "I'd fix it if I could/And I'd always win/I'd always win, and you would always lose," shows the kind of quiet bitterness to which we can all raise a tear-stained beer glass.

5. "Appalachian Springs," The Verve from Forth
After 11 years, The Verve finally got over themselves (maybe) and got back together to record a new album that picked up right where Urban Hymns left off. That may make it sound like this record is a bit dated, and maybe it is, but I don't think that this kind of sweeping, anthemic music ever goes out of style.

4. "Let's Dance To Joy Division," The Wombats from A Guide To Love, Loss & Desperation
This album was released in November 2007, but didn't chart until 2008. Although most of The Wombats' success came in the UK, there was no way I was leaving this song off my list. I discovered it in January during a random e-stroll through the Hype Machine, and it became an instant favorite. This is Brit dance-pop at its best.

3. "Evil Urges," My Morning Jacket from Evil Urges
This whole record is fabulous, but the title track is my favorite, due mostly to Jim James' falsetto. The song is like some crazy marriage of Prince and Lynryd Skynryd and it just WORKS.

2. "Manhattan," Kings of Leon from Only By The Night
1. "Use Somebody," Kings of Leon from Only By The Night
I broke my rule from last year of only allowing one song per artist on the list. I had to. Kings of Leon just musically kicked everyone else's asses this year. Let the hipster whiners say that these guys are sell-outs. These days, that's just code for anyone who is lucky enough to be accepted by the mainstream audience.

I also give a shout-out to The Bogmen, one of my favorite bands who finally released a new song this year. I didn't put them on the list because not many of you have ever heard of them, and they're also friends of mine, so I didn't want to seem like I was playing favorites! (You can see an earlier video from the band and read my story of Bog love here.)

Enjoy this video for "Oceans Apart," filmed by the wonderful Chris Cassidy. (Keep your eye on Brendan, the keyboardist, who looks like he's about to piss his pants laughing throughout this whole thing.)

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Friday, December 12, 2008

Rolling Stone: The Octogenarian Issue

Is Brad Pitt still in Benjamin Button makeup, or has Angelina Jolie managed to suck all of the youth right out of him? Holy Lord.

Also, I wonder who made Rolling Stone's 50 best albums list? Gee, will indie darlings Vampire Weekend and Fleet Foxes take very undeserved but predictable spots near the top?

Let's see...

Wow, I'm actually surprised that they weren't higher up, but they are at #10 and #11, respectively. I forgot about the rule that requires RS to give sympathy and/or nostalgic votes to crusty old vets (Bob Dylan at #2, John Mellencamp at #5, and the Metallica album no one listened to at #9), and throw a rap album in there (Lil Wayne) so people will actually believe that anyone working at Rolling Stone gives a crap about rap.

Wow, I still can't get over that picture of Brad. He looks like some vagrant who hangs around outside the Greyhound station holding a jar of pickled eggs, begging all passersby to let him tell them about the time he had dinner with Mussolini.

*By the way, I'd like to point out that the picture above is not blurry in the least.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Forgotten Classic Video(s) of the Week

Since I spaced yet again on the classic vid last week, here's a nice Christmas two-fer for all you nice girls and boys.

First up is The Ramones with "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)". You'll probably wanna turn it off at around 2:34 when the song actually ends. The video inexplicably continues on for nearly a minute further and features two of the most annoying people I've ever laid ears on. The woman is like some horrible mutation made from Joy Behar and Fran Drescher's DNA, and the dude is like 1/3 Martin Short, 1/3 Mike Meyers, and 1/3 someone so unlikable and unfunny that he cancels out any of the goodness of the other 2/3.

And now it's time for a "Reggae Christmas," mon, courtesy of Bryan Adams. This isn't one of my favorite holiday songs, but I have a real soft spot for the video because it was filmed back when the M in MTV actually meant something, and it features Pee-Wee Herman. Every Christmas, this song pops into my head and I immediately write it off as stupid. But then when I hear it again and realize how catchy it actually is, I'm forced to reconsider my stance on it. I guess it's not really a bad song; I think what kills it is that it's being sung by Bryan Adams. Not that I really have anything against Big Bry, it's just that there aren't many people less qualified to sing a reggae song. I think only Anne Murray and that guy from Five For Fighting are below Adams on that list.

I wonder if any of those Mr. T dolls are available on eBay? If anyone's thinking of getting me a gift, maybe you could look into that.

And now that you're done singing, dancing, prancing, and blitzening...

Stop being naughty, and just go vote for me already for Blogger of the Year! I pity the fool who don't vote for me! All those other bloggers got nothin' but jibber jabber!

And don't forget to vote for your favorite Firecrotch, too. But if you only have time to vote in one election...well, hell, blow that stupid Firecrotch thing off.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Because A Vote For Me is A Vote Against Everyone Else

Friends, bloggers, American Idol addicts, lend me your ears.

Something much more important than the holiday season is upon us. Awards season. Normally, it wouldn't be important but this year is different because, you see, I am up for an award. I don't know why, but someone out there nominated me for Blogger of the Year in Grant Miller Media's Drysdale Awards.

At first I thought this was all an elaborate ruse to get me to the awards ceremony so Grant could name me Blogger of the Year, and then once I was on stage giving my acceptance speech, Kat, Dr. Zibbs, and Some Guy would pour pig's blood on my head. But then I remembered that I already shot down Mr. Miller's invitation to the Chicago-based event before the nominations were posted. So then I thought, hmmmm, maybe this is for realz, yo? Someone out there likes me! I have A fan!

However, I think I misunderestimated my popularity. You see, when voting began, I was mysteriously left off the ballot. Obviously, someone in Miller's organization felt that I was a threat to their "preferred" candidate, so they resorted to shady tactics. Clearly, I have twice as many fans as I first thought, because since I've been put on the ballot, I've received TWO votes. (And neither was from myself!) That's right! I don't just have one fan, I have two! Suck on that, Pistols! How many votes do you have, huh?? What? 16, you say? Oh. Well then. I suppose that makes you Julia Roberts to my Bonnie Hunt. Whatever. The Mexican sucked, and you've never had your own talk show, so there.

Anyway, as everyone can see, I'm pretty far behind in this horse race. And, as everyone can probably anticipate, this is the part where I start begging for votes. So...PLEASE vote for me! If not for me, do it for the bloggers you really love. Because I am not a gracious loser. I can pretty much guarantee that, even if they don't all pour pig's blood on me, I will kill them all with my mind if I come in last place. Need more reason that that? Okay. Vote for me because:

  1. I write the songs that make the whole world sing.
  2. I have kick-ass Photoshop skills.
  3. I'm a master of karate.
  4. I watch the most horrible shows on TV so that you don't have to.
  5. Oprah is my godmother.
  6. My pathetic, all-consuming obsession with Michael Johns this year made you all feel better about yourselves.
  7. My caption contests have brought out the best in all you wannabe comedians out there. In fact, you might say that I've lit a fire under your asses crotches.
  8. I've promised to install a hot tub in the Blogosphere's cafeteria. There might be a pool table in it for you people too, who knows.
  9. All the other nominees are pedophiles.
  10. As mentioned earlier, I can kill people (and start fires) with my mind. I wasn't going to bring it up again, but it's kind of big deal.
Some of these reasons might be complete bullshit, but this is an election, after all. Nothing that I say now will matter later.

So, now that you're all psyched up to vote for me, here's what you do:
  1. Click on this link to vote before 12:01 AM (CST) Christmas Day.
  2. In the sidebar, check "BeckEye" in the Blogger of the Year category.
  3. Go to this post on McGone's site and click on the picture at the top.
  4. Print out the artwork.
  5. Use White-Out to cover up the IHOB logo.
  6. Wait for White-Out to dry completely. (Perhaps during this time, you can delete all your cookies and vote for me again.)
  7. Using a Sharpie, write "The Pop Eye" over the White-Out.
  8. Stop complaining that it looks like shit. You're not voting for president.
  9. Apply double-sided tape to the back and place on your shirt so people can see.
  10. Stop complaining that it looks like shit. You're not on Project Runway.
Also, I've somehow been nominated for Blog With the Most Text Messaging Jargon and Blog With the Blurriest Pictures. These I would not like to win. Well, the first one irdc cos...omg, idk what thr even talking about. *lolz* As for the second, that one cuts me deeply. Obviously I was nominated by someone who is jealous of my superior Photoshopping ability. Someone who knew I was TFTH. I don't want to accuse anyone specifically, but I suspect that it was someone whose name rhymes with Poobomber.

So, in conclusion, let me just say that I hope you do the right thing and vote for me. I'd really love to be your first colored Blogger of the Year.

**Don't forget that I'm running an election of my own for Firecrotch of the Year. And Pistols is probably going to walk away with that, so come on! He doesn't need TWO "Of the Years!"

***UPDATE! This morning, Some Guy and I both had 2 votes, and now we both have 1. What is going on here? Someone (probably the nefarious Dr. Zibbs) must be scaring the people into changing their votes! Don't be fooled by his sweet talk and lies!! I am not planning to take away your social security!!

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Caption Crotch-test Contest #17

"Daddy, why does our program say 'Three Hole Circus' instead of 'Three Ring Circus'?"

And the last Firecrotch of the Month award goes to Words Words Words, the blogger formerly known as Fran Fran Fran. Or just plain Fran. Either way, this is that dude's second win this year, tying him with Deadspot. Of course, they were both just one quip shy of a Pistols at Dawn-esque threepeat.

Yes, many crotches burned brightly this year, and the time has come to name the Firecrotch of the Year. As promised, I'm leaving this very important decision up to you, dear readers. Should Pistols' impressive run guarantee him the win? Or did The Imaginary Reviewer or Skyler's Dad thrill you more with their one-time flashes of comedic brilliance? Remember, quality is more important than quantity. Just ask Pistols' disgruntled ex-girlfriends.

To vote for your favorite Firecrotch, please review this year's winning entries:
Once you've made a decision, cast your vote! Please, no stuffing the ballot box. That's just weird and pathetic. Voting will remain open until December 28.

Friday, December 05, 2008

I'll Take Potpourri for The Hell of It, Alex

I'm incapable of sticking to a topic today. We'll call this post a mix of eye boogers and dead brain cells, held together by drool.

Let's kick things off with a little self-pimpage, shall we? Go check out yesterday's Starpulse post. It may shock some of you to find out that the subject of this one is John Travolta. (Insert blogosphere's collective gasp here.) And it may really shock you to find out that I managed to list some of his "worst" movies without breaking out in hives or just breaking down. Well, I did. I can be objective, people. But I won't be understanding if you leave nasty comments about him. Then again, maybe I'll turn a blind eye. I just want comments. Because, once again, the teenyboppers over there aren't caring. John is just like, too old, or something. IDK. I think my next post will have to be about Robert Pattinson's farting patterns or Blake Lively's Top 5 Facial Expressions.

For the record, Blake Lively's Top 5 Facial Expressions are:
1. Vacant
2. Mildly Agitated
3. Mildly Confused
4. Confusedly Agitated
5. Vacant (and Mildly Constipated)

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In case any of you are wondering why I'm not "following" your blog, it's because I'm taking a stand against all of these new Blogger bells and whistles. It took me a long time to get my blogroll just the way I like it. Alphabetical order. Each title only takes up one line. (No thanks to some people...I won't mention any names *cough*Skyler's Dad*cough*Genn*cough*. Thanks for forcing me to post your blogger names instead of your ginormous blog titles, thereby rendering my format inconsistent and causing me a minor anal-retentive freak out.) I add new blogs to my blogroll manually. Maybe that's outdated, but it's the way I like it. Maybe the little blog update doohickeys are a good idea, but I'm too lazy to implement such a thing. And now this "following" business. Give me a break. Is reading, commenting on, and linking to your blog not enough?? What do I have to do to prove my devotion to you people? Build shrines? Well, I've already done that. I just don't brag about it.

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OMG confirmed yesterday that Mischa Barton and Jon Sadoff are NOT dating. Still, I don't feel like we're getting the full story here. Like, for one, who the hell these two people even are.

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I wish someone would tell Us Magazine that stars are not just like us. If they were, that section would look more like this:

Stars...They're Just Like Us!

"They have chocolate stains all over their shirts!"

"They spend Saturday night at the laundromat!"

"They buy Ramen Noodles in bulk!"

"They rack up massive credit card
debt because they don't have enough
money to buy Christmas presents!"

Wednesday, December 03, 2008


I know that since the long Thanksgiving weekend is over, I really should be back to posting as usual. I did get back into town yesterday, and I had every intention of blogging tonight, but something suddenly came up. It's Britney's birthday, bitches! The girls and I are going out to celebrate, so don't wait up for me!


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine