Friday, June 29, 2007

Bachelor of the Month

This guy doesn't beat around the bush, does he? Or does he?

You know, I think the New York singles scene would be much more bearable if all straight men were forced to wear such T-shirts. Especially in the West Village. Want one? You can buy them here, along with a bunch of other strange and hilarious items. I've got my eye on the vulva tote bag. They never give cool stuff like that away during PMS pledge drives. I'm sorry...I meant PBS.

Thanks to my best gal pal for pointing this site out. She's always one twisted step ahead of me.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Mixed Bizness (or Watch Me Struggle to Stick to My Format)

Just so I don't get chased out of Blogland with torches, I've decided to quit putting off the various items that I've been tagged with recently and just knock 'em all out in one fell swoop.

Before I do that though, I want to draw your attention to the new little doo-dad over in my sidebar. It's a music player that I snagged from FineTune. You can make themed or random playlists, each consisting of at least 45 songs, and then embed them in your blogs or on your MySpace pages. So now while you're hanging at my blog, you can listen to some tunes and applaud or ridicule my musical tastes. If you want to skip a song, just click the "on deck" CD on the right-hand side. Also, if you want to take a peek at the complete song listing, just click the "What's in BeckEye's Ear" link above the player. The current list started out as a "summer" theme, but turned into a bunch of songs that I like. How very random of me. And yes, Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" is in the mix. I'm completely obsessed with that song right now. You wanna make something of it?

And now on to the other biz...

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I knew I should've slapped a PFA on Mr. Touchy, because he tagged me again with the "Eight Things" meme.

All right, here are the rules. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I hate doing memes, unless they're specifically about pop-culture. I thought this was public knowledge but apparently it's not. (I still love ya though, WP. Again, it's not really your fault that you find me so fascinating.)

2. Like Mr. Touchy, I believe in ghosts. Unlike Mr. Touchy, I talk about it...probably way too much. I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks, I do I do I do believe in spooks. I was convinced that my brother, J-Fred's, old house was haunted. I still am, even if everyone in my family thinks I'm nuts.

3. I don't do funerals. Another thing I have in common with Mr. Touchy. I find the whole idea of putting dead people on display rather morbid. Did my people (the Irish) start this? Or did they just take it to bizarre new levels like dancing around with the corpse and trying to get it drunk? I want no parts of that. I've been forced to go to funeral homes before, but I've rarely gone in the viewing room.

4. I can't eat spicy foods. Even the mild salsa they give you at quasi-Mexican restaurants is too hot for me! I'm going to try to think of ways to get back on format...

5. The band I've seen the most times in concert is The Steve Miller Band. Yep, saw them 7 times. Why? A) Steve's music is classic, feel-good stuff. B) Tickets were never more than like $17. C) The shows became a summer tradition. There are people who will pay $100 to see Jimmy Buffett every year, and then there are smart people, like me, who pick a better, cheaper act. D) The shows were a good excuse to drink way too much.

6. When I was little, the Bad Company song "Shooting Star" scared the hell out of me. The end when Paul Rodgers sings, "If you listen to the wind, you can still hear him play," gave me the major willies. I wasn't too keen on the wind for a while.

7. Again, when I was little, we used to have a United Airlines fork. (I guess someone in my family was one of those people who stole things from wherever they went.) My sister used to play this game with me, where we would sit at the kitchen table and pretend that we were on a flight. The best part was that I was Mrs. Travolta and she was Mrs. Springfield. We would talk all about what our "husbands" were up to. It was great.

8. After seeing E.T. for the first time, I got mad at my brother, Dutch, for some reason and decided to call him "penis breath," which I had heard in the movie. I had no idea what a penis was; I just thought it sounded like a cool insult. Dutch told my Dad and I got in trouble for it, but my Dad wouldn't even tell me what it was! Enter big sis. I told her I thought it was some type of lizard and she said I wasn't too far off.

Now I'm supposed to tag 8 more people to do this. Here is where I'm going to rebel. Whoever wants to to do this, knock yourself out.

Next up is the "Rockin' Girl Blogger" Awards. I was named one of these Rockin' Chicks by both Turnbaby and Loraloo, so I guess that means I rock twice as hard as I thought I did. So now comes the part where I have to bestow the title on five more ladies. Since Turnbaby and Loraloo were already nominated, I won't tag them again, but they both know that I know they rock. The five that I pick will be completely at random, as I think every gal on my blogroll rocks. Here we go...

1. Tanya - As is true with most of the bloggers I like, Tanya has a great sense of humor. But I appeciate hers even more because she managed to stay funny while hugely pregnant, and got even funnier when the darn kid kept refusing to come out. He finally did, and now Tanya is already back to rockin' a bikini. Wench.

2. Happy Villain - H.V. will change everyone's perception of what a librarian is. She's got all the qualities I look for in another woman - twisted humor, intelligence, and vulgarity. Unfortunately, she's not regaling us with all the sordid tales of the library anymore, but she's still blogging about the general insanity of life and will still throw us all an occasional "liberry" bone.

3. Beth - I discovered Beth's blog fairly recently, and I'm glad I did. She's a great writer and storyteller with fantastic taste in music. She also understands that staph infections are no laughing matter, and that Glenn Tilbrook is a God among men.

4. Barbara B. - Yes, she's Canadian but I won't hold that against her. She's no hoser. Like myself and Beth, Barbara is a big music lover and I'm very jealous of her summer music festival activities. She also has a daredevil cat, which is pretty damn cool.

5. Danielle - One half of my favorite blog couple, The Kimzeys, Danielle is an amazing writer. We seem to have a very similar sense of humor, and she needs it to keep up with that goofball husband of hers, Blake. My only complaint: she (or he) doesn't blog nearly enough these days!

Ok, girls! Now go rock five more ladies' worlds.

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Last, but not least, is Deadspot's "Big Dumb Meme." Basically, he wants to know (a) what is the dumbest question I've ever been asked, (b) why it was dumb, and (c) my answer.

I can think back to when I was about 21, and I was friends with a big, dumb girl. The big, dumb exchange went something like this...

Big Dumb Question
My boyfriend says he wants to marry me, but since I want to wait to have sex until marriage, he wants to know if it's okay if he goes out and just has sex with other girls in the meantime. What do you think I should do?

Big Dumb Reason
This should be fairly obvious! But, if you're into swinging or if you think that monogamous relationships are impossible, you might not see the problem. Well, it's fine if you're one of those people, but this was a girl who was determined to save herself for marriage. She put a very high premium on sex and marriage, so why would someone be comfortable in a relationship with a guy who was "biding his time" with other chicks? And why would she ask me what I thought she should do??

Big Dumb Answer
I think my befuddled blank stare was followed by answering her question with one of my own - "Just how dumb are you?" I don't think I even put it that nicely, though. There was definitely more swearing involved. It helps to explain that our friendship was literally on its last legs anyway, so I didn't respond in a nicey-nice Dr. Phil sort of way.

That's all, folks!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

When my friend, Angela, mentioned the stellar choreography featured in yesterday's Gay Men's Chorus video, I was reminded of a forgotten classic with some kick-ass dance moves as well. Feast your eyes on The Commodores' video for "Lady (You Bring Me Up)." Ah, 1981. When hair was big, shorts were short and soccer games between packs of musicians and Soul Train dancers could break out at any minute.

This video is pretty hilarious, but the song rules. Lionel! The harmonies! The hand claps! Those horns! That porntastic bass line! What more could you ask for?

You know, the fact that much of today's generation only knows Lionel Richie as Nicole's father makes me openly weep. Truly.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Bitch is Back

Sorry, Britney. You had a good run there. You really made the most of your alone time in the spotlight. But, Paris is now a free woman. You'll have to crack open a few extra jars of crazy if you hope to keep up with her media maelstrom.

Prior to being released, Paris told Ryan Seacrest that she now has a "new purpose" in life, which is to do more - er, any - charitable work and develop some type of transitional home for her sistas. You know, other female convicts. Yes, Paris was quite popular with the ladies, and I don't mean that in any kind of stereotypical prison-lesbian way. She made lots of friends. In fact, I'm surprised that Paris didn't choose to stay in prison longer, since she had these wonderful things to say about her experience:

"I was really scared to come here at first, but all the inmates have been really nice and supportive and, I don't know, it was different than I thought it would be. It's not like what everyone thinks about jail. The walls are pretty thin and there are vents, so the girls next door talk to me through the vent, and they say, 'Oh my God, my kids love you,' or, 'My dad, all he wants for Father's Day is your autograph.'"

Man, I wish I still had a car so I could drive drunk and get thrown in jail. It sounds like a super-cool summer camp, and I never got to go to one when I was a kid!

And girls, forget hanging around the Clinique counter or spending all your money at Sephora. Just spend a few days in jail and you'll look like a million bucks. It's true! According to an article in Stuff, actress friend Julie Araskog was amazed by how great Hilton's skin looked during a recent jailhouse visit. Araskog was quoted as saying:

"She looked so beautiful. It felt surreal, like a movie. No make-up - she is naturally beautiful. I was stunned. She was as beautiful as she is with make-up."

I guess what she's trying to say is that Paris always kind of looks like some sort of dolphin-anteater hybrid? Cool.

All right, I've already devoted entirely too much time to this topic already. We all know that the "transitional home" will never see the light of day, and that Paris will be back in the clubs before her inevitable Playboy spread even hits newsstands. I doubt she's really learned anything. Except for maybe the number to a good car service.

Now, in honor of Hilton's release - and in belated celebration of gay pride day, I guess - enjoy this very appropriate video. (Click the pic to be redirected to the YouTube page.)

I'd swear that dude in the striped jacket is Jm J. Bullock.

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Monday, June 25, 2007

I Know You're a Bad Mom, But What Am I?

That always-wretched but often-delightful gossip site, X17, recently broke the news that Britney Spears (the pot) is slapping a restraining order against her mama Lynne (the kettle) to keep her away from Brit's kids. The order is based on Brit's claim that her momz is addicted to painkillers, so she isn't a good role model right now for the already-doomed Sean Preston and Jayden James.

The gossip mongers think that Britney is actually punishing Lynne for taking the kids to visit K-Fed, because she thinks the two are "plotting against her." You know, like how they "forced" her into rehab when she clearly didn't need it. I think there's a much simpler explanation. She's just pissed that her mom isn't sharing her awesome prescription drugs.

Sean Preston, if you could read this I would tell you to grab your brother, hop in that kiddie Escalade, put the pedal to the metal and go. Don't look back. It doesn't matter where you go, just go. Maybe you could drive to Brangelina's house. I'm sure they'd take good care of you. Of course, they would probably trade in your Caddy for a Land Rover but that's to be expected. That fancy gas-guzzler would never make it across the savannahs of Kenya.

So...this is now two Britney posts in a row? I know, I know, it's pathetic but I kind of feel obligated to the girl. With Paris in jail and Lindsay back in rehab, she's pulling triple duty.

Oh, and in case y'all forgot...this is what good motherin' looks like:

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Baby You Can Drive My Car, Yes I'm Passed Out at the Bar

File this under Things I Don't Need to See When I'm Miserably Broke: the heartwarming sight of a toddler driving around in a box that's nicer than my apartment, on a driveway that's probably bigger than my street.

According to PopSugar, Britney's son, Sean Preston, has been spotted cruising around the Spears estate in his new kiddie Escalade. Unfortunately for Brit, the passenger seat won't accomodate her giant ass, so she can't put S-Pres on designated driver duty. I suppose she'll just rent him out to Nicole Richie or Kate Moss and use that money to start a college fund. And by "college fund," I mean "liposuction."

I guess a helmet didn't come standard with that model, but at least the kid is safer behind the wheel of his own ride than in Britney's lap. You just never know when a crotchfire might break out.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

For your viewing pleasure this week, I'm serving up a little Lone Justice with the hit single "Ways to Be Wicked," from their self-titled 1985 debut. Although this is one of my favorite songs from the '80s by one of my favorite underrated bands, I'm sending this one out to Chelene, who recently asked whatever happened to Maria McKee and mentioned this song. Check it out and read on for more...

The first time I saw this video, I just fell in love with Maria - strictly in a Robert Smith why-can't-I-be-you sort of way. I just thought she was so darn pretty, had the most perfect hair and, of course, one hell of a voice. She helped me to not get too caught up in my obsession with Nancy Wilson's oversized blazer-over-bustier look, which I was never brave enough to try in public anyway, by making me wish that I was cool enough to cultivate her Varsity jacket-over-flowy dress and tennis shoes look. Maria only stuck it out with Lone Justice for two studio albums, both of which I own, before striking out on her own in 1989.

So, here's the scoop for Chelene and anyone else who's interested. My gal Maria's solo career is still rolling along. She's certainly not a household name, but she's never compromised her musical integrity and still has a devoted following. While some of her solo work has been a bit too mellow for me, I would recommend the excellent You Gotta Sin to Get Saved to anyone. Whatever kind of music you like can be found on the record - rock, country, folk, pop, soul and even a bit of gospel. It really doesn't matter what Maria sings though, because her soaring, theatrical voice will just knock you down. Her last record, Peddlin' Dreams, was filled with very sparse, acoustic numbers that showcased her gorgeous vocals, but from what I've heard of Late December, the new CD just released in April, it seems that Maria is bringing back a little more of the soul that made You Gotta Sin to Get Saved such a treat.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Don't Call Him a Sell-Out, He's Been Dead For Years

As we're all aware, Heaven boasts one hell of a rock 'n' roll band...and now they finally have some corporate sponsorship! The summer leg of the band's Eternity Tour is being sponsored by Doc Martens.

Doc's ad agency, Saatchi and Saatchi, recently whipped up a rather controversial one-off campaign for the boots in the UK. Fact Magazine, a free publication, ran the piece which features photos of four punk icons - Sid Vicious, Joe Strummer, Joey Ramone and Kurt Cobain - rockin' their Docs amidst the clouds. (Cobain and Strummer are pictured here, and all photos can be seen by clicking here.) Even though the big-wigs at Doc Martens approved the ads, Saatchi and Saatchi has been fired as a result of the negative attention the ads have received here in the States.

As it turns out, musicians don't have control over their souls (or soles) in the UK, because the law doesn't require advertisers to get clearance from the deceased's estates before using their likenesses. Such clearances are required here in the U.S., which is why some folks are outraged over the ads.

I'm kind of torn about this issue. Obviously, the four fellas picked as shills were well-known for their musical integrity while they were alive and I think they're all probably rolling over in their graves right about now. I don't think their memories should be tarnished just to sell ugly boots to hipsters who were probably going to buy them anyway. Besides, wasn't Kurt a bigger fan of Chuck Taylors? I know I've had my Kurt issues in the past. He even tried to haunt me once. But I did respect the guy, and think that if he's gonna be used to sell products against his will, he should at least be portrayed a little more accurately. And, let's face it, Chuck Taylors are the superior footwear.

On the other hand, I have to give it to Saatchi and Saatchi for coming up with something pretty creative. The pictures are actually quite nice! If I didn't know they were ads, I probably wouldn't have even noticed the feet and just thought they were some sort of fan-made tribute.

Of course, the blame game is in full-swing. Doc Martens approved of the campaign, but now the CEO is saying that doing so was a "mistake" and that they "did not even like it." Sure. Now. How strange that Saatchi lost the account when they're responsible for the biggest firestorm of publicity that Doc Martens has probably seen in a while! And since Doc gave Saatchi the boot, the ad agency had to find its own scapegoat - the staff member who emailed the photos to U.S. bloggers. Saatchi is standing by their campaign but not the employee, who was terminated for "breaking protocol." Again, it seems twisted that the one person most responsible for drawing the most attention to both companies got canned! I'm waiting for the fired employee to sue someone, like Paris Hilton's publicist. Or maybe Akon.

My favorite part of all of this is that it's given junkie extraordinaire, crazy Courtney Love, another reason to run her gigantic mouth. She's upset that Doc Martens used the photo of Kurt without her permission and "thinks it's outrageous that a company is allowed to commercially gain from such despicable use of her husband's picture." Damn you, Doc Martens, for horning in on Courtney's action! Kurt is her meal-ticket, not yours! I'm sure if they just write her a check she'll calm right down.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Happy Blogday to Me!

Today is the anniversary of O.J. Simpson's slow-speed chase. It's also my 2nd Blog Anniversary. He still hasn't found the real killers and I still haven't been offered a job with VH-1. Who do I have to kill around here to get famous?

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Who Cares About Paris When We'll Always Have Paré

There are some times in life when I wish that I wasn't so addicted to the idiot box, and then there are times, like now, when I get down on my knees and thank the sweet Lord for cable. Observe:

Wednesday night on VH-1 Classic: Eddie and the Cruisers
Tonight on Cinemax "Outer Max" : Streets of Fire

Is Michael Paré the worst actor ever? Maybe. Nah, probably not. But maybe. In any case, watching these movies to try to come up with an answer is the most fun an '80s kid can possibly have on a weeknight. And acting skills or not, there's no denying that Paré is hot.

Now, onto another burning question...

Which of the above mentioned movies has the better soundtrack? That is a difficult one. The Eddie and the Cruisers soundtrack has so many great '50s-style rockers and, my favorite, Eddie's career-destroying "Season in Hell." There isn't much variety on the record because, as with Purple Rain, it focuses on one act - in this case, John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band. Although Eddie''s tunes are a lot of fun, I have to give the edge here to Streets of Fire because of the range of artists featured and the theatrical song stylings of Jim Steinman ("Nowhere Fast" and "Tonight is What It Means to Be Young"). Not to mention that two of my favorite gals, Maria McKee and Stevie Nicks, contributed tunes to the record.

Now, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to tease my hair and act out this song in my bedroom mirror.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

When Good Bands Go Bad

Consider this my equal opportunity post. Since I spend so much of my time scoffing at bands and artists that I dislike, don't understand or downright despise, I'm concerned that everyone will think that I'm incapable of ridiculing those that I really like when they deserve it. And since my musical tastes are an extension of myself, I'm out to prove that I can poke fun at attacking them. Makes sense, right?

This may become a recurring topic. (You all know how responsible I am when it comes to keeping recurring topics going.) Therefore, the inaugural band kicking this topic off is...Squeeze.

I've discussed my long-time love for Glenn Tilbrook at length and sung the praises of Squeeze frequently - so why would I be picking on them now? Well, while they never really made many musical missteps, there is one Squeeze video that is just so spectacularly "worst of the '80s" that I just have to share it with you. It's probably a video that a lot of you haven't seen, which will make it even more fun. Straight outta 1985, I give you "Hits of the Year."

Before going any further, I have to defend the song. I don't want anyone to get confused here - I'm only picking on the video. Put next to some of their best compositions like "Some Fantastic Place," "Up the Junction," and "Electric Trains," "Hits of the Year" may not seem like a masterpiece, but it's a very enjoyable pop song. And I have to give Tilbrook props for, once again, putting such a snappy tune to Chris Difford's rather dark lyrics. This has to be the peppiest song about an airplane hijacking ever...if not the only one! This song was actually playing through my head while waiting to take off on a recent flight, which was my first in several years, and humming it actually made me less nervous. Ah, behold the power of Squeeze.

So, now that I've taken care of the positives...on to picking this video apart! I doubt the boys will mind, since I'm sure they're probably not too fond of this vid either. In fact, a YouTuber posted this quote attributed to Chris Difford: "We had to make a video for this and we were talked into doing it with a film director in LA. We flew in, feeling rather the worse for wear when we arrived, recorded the video, and then came straight back. After all that, it's the worst video you can imagine, recorded in front of a blue screen. When we left, the director put all these goings on behind. It was meant to be MTV-like, so we had to conform to what they wanted, but it cost about $100,000. A total waste of money."

I don't know if it's the worst video I can imagine (has he seen "Fergalicious?"), but I certainly agree that it was a waste of money. Have a look, and then read on for my comments...

What's Wrong with This Video?
1. The graphics and props are so lame, even by '80s standards. And some of the stock photography/film footage makes no sense. Elephants and nuclear bombs?
2. Jools Holland looks very creepy for some reason. Could be the lighting mixed with the severely slicked-back 'do.
3. Glenn's costume changes are rather bizarre. Where did that green shirt come from, and why does he keep switching between it and the all-white ensemble? Who is he, Diana Ross?
4. Speaking of Diana Ross, Glenn's hair is a bit out of control. I wasn't really a fan of this Cosi Fan Tutti Frutti-period hair configuration. I always loved his short, blonde, unkempt style, but my favorite came around the time of Babylon and On when he had that floppy-front thing going on. (Said hairstyle is found in the picture near the top of this post, where Glenn is sitting handsomely in the bottom left corner. Click to enlarge and/or swoon.)
5. When Glenn wipes his forehead around the 2:00 mark, I can't help but howl with laughter. God, I love him, but that was such a cheesy move. I will say that I've seen him live and he always keeps a fan blowing on him, so perhaps he really does sweat a lot while performing. However, I doubt that filming this video required that much endurance.
6. Whoever directed this was obviously a very pretentious "visionary" who somehow managed to suck all the fun right out of the band. They have always been known for their "cheeky" (one frequently has to use British terms when speaking of Squeeze) sense of humor and have never taken themselves too seriously. But this just looks like a bunch of down-on-their-luck musicians forced to perform in a Miami Vice episode to get their careers back on track. This was the height of the MTV era and Squeeze was one of the best pop bands around, and this is all this hack director could come up with?

NOT on my list, even though most may also find it cheesy, is Chris Difford's dancing throughout this video. I really quite enjoy it. He just seems like kind of the shy, quiet guy in the band and so I always get a kick out of him when he gets a bit showy.

Well, that wasn't too bad. I picked on a band that I love and only about five or six small hives have popped up on my body. Eventually I'll get to the point where this kind of thing only causes a minor rash.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Forgotten Classic Video of the Week

For this week's video, I needed to look no further than VH-1 Classic for inspiration. A couple of days ago I turned on my favorite channel and this was the first vid I saw - L.A. Guns' "I Wanna Be Your Man," from 1989's Cocked and Loaded.

I was never a huge L.A. Guns fan, although "Ballad of Jayne" remains one of my favorite power ballads of all-time. I couldn't really remember any other songs of theirs that I truly liked until I saw this video again. I'm reminded that it was played on MTV quite a bit and that I really dug it. I always had kind of a crush on lead singer Phil Lewis, too. What was it about androgynous, painfully skinny, leather-clad, long-haired sleazebags that was so appealing to me in those days? Who knows. Looking at this video again, I'm starting to think he actually looks like a brunette, glam-rock version of Jodie Foster.

By the way...since I wasn't able to include a forgotten classic last week, stay tuned for lots of vids this week. (Not all forgotten or classics.)

Monday, June 11, 2007

Eye Boogers: Now Hilton-Free!

So, I lied in my last post. There are some other things going on in the world of entertainment. Not many, but a few.

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news stories are curiously fascinating:

Akon Smack(ed) That Lady in the Head with a Fan. - Remember the good ol' days when bands just played through the objects hurled at them by unruly concertgoers? Axl Rose sure doesn't. Neither does R&B star, Akon, who recently made an example of one of his litterbug fans. Earlier this week at a show in Fishkill, NY, after a 15 year-old boy tossed an object toward Akon, the singer invited the kid onstage, where he promptly picked him up and threw him back into the audience. As you might imagine, one woman said that she suffered a concussion (which I don't doubt) and has her lawyers at the ready. The boy was reportedly unharmed, and will hopefully take this time to think about what he did and work on his aim.

Richie Sambora Gives Rehab a Shot. - Rumor has it that during Tuesday's taping of a new Bon Jovi Unplugged segment for MTV, lead guitarist Sambora was looking rather haggard and had trouble keeping up with the music. This may be what induced him to enter rehab the next day, although Richie's had a pretty tough year with his divorce from Heather Locklear, highly publicized romance with Locklear's ex-BFF, Denise Richards, the end of that relationship and the death of his father. I feel kind of bad for Richie, because I've always been a fan and I think he's a very talented guy, so I hope he gets his life straightened out. But I can't help but feel glad that he's reminded everyone that rehab has always been for rockers, long before it became a favorite vacation spot of the young Hollywood firecrotches.

The Sopranos Goes to Sleep with the Fishes. - Next to some bimbo's jailhouse drama, this has probably been the most talked about story all week. From what I hear, the show ended on an ambiguous note, which pleased some fans and outraged others. My advice? Fughettaboutit. It's just a TV show! Of course I say this because I don't watch it. When C.S.I. goes off the air, I'll probably hole up in my bedroom, bar the door with crime scene tape and create miniature versions of my favorite scenes. Like any that involve a shirtless Warrick or this season's delightful last shot of uber-annoying Sara trapped under a car. If anyone needs to be whacked, it's her.

B-Listers are Coming to Destroy Your Summer - I mentioned in Saturday's post that I'm already psyched for every sad minute of Bret Michaels' (Poison) new show, Rock of Love, but I forgot to mention all of the other reality shows on tap for this summer. I really, really want to spend more time basking in the sun or the warm moonlight, but some of these programs are sure to be blinding rays of brilliantly shlocky entertainment that require watching. I'll either have to start programming my VCR or break down and get TiVo. Here is a quick preview:

Fast Cars and Superstars, Thursdays on ABC - I guess this is Dancing with the Stars on wheels. Sure, people like DWTS, but most of us want to see a B-lister end up in some sort of fiery crash. I don't care how difficult the Slow Foxtrot is - it's never sent anyone to the ICU. Even with its morbidly appealing possibilities, this show is essentially about racing cars - something that those of us without mullets and/or a tin of Skoal in our shirt pockets just do not care about - even though it pairs up stock car racers with celebs like Jewel, The Shat and...what? Ex-Steelers coach Bill Cowher?! Well, I may have to watch this just to see Cowher Power in action once again. Better yet, I'll just read someone else's recaps to see how he does. Prediction: Jewel will have some sort of minor accident that knocks her snaggletooth out, finally forcing her to fix that shit.

Shaq's Big Challenge, debuts June 26 on ABC - This sounds like a mixture of Celebrity Fit Club, The Biggest Loser and Brat Camp. NBA star Shaquille O'Neal attempts to fight childhood obesity by providing fitness programs for a bunch of overweight kids who will never be able to show their faces back at their respective schools after this show airs.

Hey Paula!, debuts June 28 on Bravo - This show will follow Paula Abdul around while she tapes American Idol, works on some dumb Bratz movie, and tries to prove that she's an entrepreneur by developing perfume, makeup and clothing lines - all while standing straight up and speaking plain English. I don't think I'll rush, rush to the couch for this one. Her incoherent babbling on AI is really all the Paula I need.

Rock of Love with Bret Michaels, debuts July 15 on VH-1 - Even though it's unclear whether or not Bret is bald on top and refusing to admit it (hey, even Diamond Dave finally accepted reality), the fact remains that the Poison singer still looks pretty damn good. Everyone knows that he hardly needs a TV show to help him find a girlfriend. But everyone also knows that these dating shows aren't as much about dating as they are about giving a has-been some more face time and completely humiliating women who love to be humiliated. For '80s kids like myself who ain't lookin' for nothin' but a good time, this should fit the bill. Not to mention, it's gotta be the next best thing to a time machine. I mean, who even knew that bleached blonde, leather miniskirt-wearing groupies still existed? Who needs a time capsule when we have this show?

Scott Baio is 45...and Single, debuts July 15 on VH-1 - For some reason, I loved Joanie Loves Chachi, but I didn't really love Chachi. Here's a guy who, after riding Happy Days to its grave, made a never-ending string of bad TV shows (Charles in Charge, Diagnosis Murder- pre-Schlatter) and even worse movies (Foxes, Zapped!), yet still managed to remain a household name who dated models and Playboy bunnies. And now we're all supposed to care that he's having a midlife crisis? Please. I'm 34 and single - and a hell of a lot more entertaining than Baio - so where's my show? Hmm, maybe I should've tried out for the Bret Michaels show. I could've used Bret to get to Kip Winger.

The Two Coreys, debuts July 29 on A&E - Oh, hell yes. It would be an insult to my blue eyeshadow-wearing legacy if I skipped this mess! According to A&E's official press release, it sounds like it's a real-life version of that movie, You, Me & Dupree, featuring Corey Feldman and his wife making the horrible mistake of taking in Corey Haim as their houseguest. Feldog is no stranger to reality TV, as he was a Surreal Life cast member, appeared as a panelist on some VH-1 shows and has told his sad, sordid story to everyone from Howard Stern to Barbara Walters. Last I heard about the Haimster, he was living with his Mom and getting a weekly allowance. And I'm not making that up.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Sorry For My Prolonged Absence...

...I've been in and out of jail all week. You know how that goes.

I find it interesting that the Pop Culture Gods saw fit to take away my computer access just when all the stars shifted and Paris Hilton became the center of the celeb universe. Perhaps it was a good thing. I watched the jail-transport coverage for about 20 minutes the other day and I'm already sick of hearing about Paris. I've even lost my appetite for French fries.

I really wanted to find something else to talk about but, as I just mentioned, the black hole that is Paris Hilton has sucked all of the life out of the entertainment world. Nothing else is going on, unless you count Britney's recent, shocking reveal that her ass is made entirely of cottage cheese. And now I've lost my appetite for all food.

Luckily, I'll have more blonde bimbos to amuse me soon enough. Next month is the premiere of VH1's latest has-been reality show, Rock of Love, starring Poison front-man Bret Michaels as the latest lonesome loser looking for love...or lots of big jugs. I don't know what will be worse - this show or Poison's new CD of classic-rock covers. Judging by the clip I just heard of their version of "Sufragette City," which essentially sounds like David Bowie's lyrics set to the music of "Talk Dirty to Me," I'm gonna guess the latter. I'll skip the record, but the '80s child in me can't avoid watching Bret's new show. I'm not sure if it can fill the void left by American Idol, but I'm willing to give it a shot.

Monday, June 04, 2007

In Quintessence: My Interview with Dale

I finally got to try out my interviewing skills on one of my favorite bloggers, Dale. Why is he one of my favorites, you ask? Because he's Canadian, but not the French kind, and I'm everything I am because he loves me.

Read our cyber-chat here.

P.S. I can't believe he referenced a Smiths song in his post title when Squeeze is clearly superior.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Britney: Redefining Rock Bottom

I posted a link recently to Britney Spears' disjointed, personal message to fans on her website in which she claimed that she had a nervous breakdown, not a drug or alcohol problem, and that she hit "rock bottom" before heading off to rehab. Well, luckily for all us gawkers, Britney found a trap door amongst the rocks.

According to a story first printed in the New York Sun, the night before Brit's website letter went up, she was found on the floor of Sky Bar's men's room, sobbing and stewing in her own vomit. "Sources" say that as staff members carried Brit out of the club, she kept saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Things aren't going well for me at the moment."

Things aren't going well for her? Remember that she stated in her letter, "I am sitting here at home and it is 6:25 and both of my sons are asleep. I am truly blessed to have them in my life." Well, I can only imagine that the letter was written right before heading out to Sky Bar. Hey, the kids' eyes are closed! Woooo! Party!!! How can this broad say that she feels blessed to have her kids in her life, when she can't spend one damn night at home with them? And 6:25?? What kids are in bed and stay in bed before 7:00 pm? Good Lord, if she's still breast-feeding the little one, he must be on a constant buzz. As crazy as it may sound, those two boys would probably be much better off with K-Fed.

Now, according to an OK! piece, Britney is reveling in Paris Hilton's legal drama. Looks like she won't be slipping her ex-BFF cakes with files or iPods in them anytime soon. She is now saying that Paris is to blame for putting her on the path to self-destruction. An insider said that, "Britney is happy to be living clean and sober, far away from Paris’ mess. She’s also glad that the attention of making mistakes is now on somebody else.”

I guess the "insider" wasn't at Sky Bar the other night to see Brit's demonstration of clean and sober living.

So if Paris Hilton's publicist is to blame for her troubles and Paris is responsible for all of Britney's problems, I guess that means that Lindsay Lohan will soon be blaming all of her woes on Britney.

I just had a great idea for my own business. I could be a professional scapegoat! Any time one of these celebretards does something stupid (and they always do) they could just issue a statement, show a really skeevy picture of me and say, "BeckEye made me do it." I'd be like the real-life manifestation of that "Family Circus" character, Not Me. Anyone interested in financing or partnering with me on this slam-dunk business opp, give me a holler.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Forget All About That Macho Shit and Learn How to Play Guitar

A long, long time ago in a blog not too far away, Bond tagged me with the "Favorite Guitar Solos" meme, which I put off for as long as possible. But now that my American Idol I.V. has been yanked out, I need something to take my mind off of these crippling DT's.

This is kind of a difficult task since there are so many great guitarists out there and many, many incredible solos. Rather than pop a vein, I just decided to go with the first five that came to my head. Let us bow our heads and chant "We're not worthy" for these outstanding achievements in axemanship:

1. "Little Wing," Jimi Hendrix. No surprise that the Stevie Ray Vaughn and Eric Clapton (while in Derek and the Dominoes) versions are also fantastic, but I chose to stick with the original. The song is short and sweet, and that guitar solo/outro is one of the most recognizable and beautiful pieces of rock music ever written.

2. "I Got Id," Pearl Jam. Or "I Got Shit," whatever you prefer to call it. Obviously, I prefer "id." I'm sure most of you know that I'm a rabid Pearl Jam fan, so you might think it was hard for me to pick out just one solo from their huge catalog of songs. It really wasn't. I'm sure most people would say "Alive" has the best guitar work, but a good deal of those people are morons who like to think that the band hasn't released a record since Ten. This was actually the first song that popped into my head, because it's one of my favorites and I've always labeled the final guitar solo as perfect driving-off-a-cliff music. Not that it's ever prompted me to do so, but that's the best way I can think to describe how heartbreaking Mike McCready's solo is.

3. "Stairway to Heaven," Led Zeppelin. Oh, I know...I'm so boring. Whatever. Before you complain, let's hear any of you play like Jimmy Page! I don't care if it's an obvious choice. It's an obvious choice for a reason. It's un-freaking-believable.

4. "Sweet Child O' Mine," Guns 'N Roses. It's great because this starts out as a sweet love song, and Slash's guitar solo basically cuts it right in half. It's like he's saying, "Okay, Axl, now that you've said all your 'I-love-you's, I'm gonna rock this joint and you're gonna like it and do that stupid snake dance that you do." And the clarity of sound on this solo is just incredible. Listening to it is like being blessed with super auditory powers. Every note sounds amazingly crisp and clear.

5. "While My Guitar Gently Weeps," The Beatles. Eric Clapton gently coaxed tears out of his guitar for this song and it is the best example of that "weeping guitar line" rock journalists love to talk about.

Now that that's done, I'm recalling that Barbara Bruederlin, Les and Deadspot all tagged me with the "Restaurant Meme," in which I'm supposed to list and describe my five favorite eateries. I had put this one off as well, with every intention of doing it eventually, but I really don't think I can. Sorry gals (and guy)! The fact is that I just don't eat out that much and when I do it's either something not worth writing about (Subway, any random pizza joint) or it's a place I've never been and don't yet have an opinion on it. That's the problem with NYC - there are too many restaurants here. If I do find a place that I like, half the time I can't remember where it was or what it was called, so I just end up going to different places all the time. Besides, I'm really not a "foodie." I'm a burgers and beer girl. And as far as burgers go, the best one I've had so far in New York has been at this little joint on E. 4th Street called the Stillwater Bar & Grill. Honestly. I find that so-called dive bars often have some of the best food.

So, for those three folks whose tagging hand just got slapped away, here is an alternative list: my five favorite opening guitar riffs. It may not be the next best thing, but at least I'm sticking with one theme in this post, and that makes me happy.

I won't go into detail here because every description would just be some variation of "because it's cool."

1. "Ziggy Stardust," David Bowie
2. "Day Tripper," The Beatles
3. "Sweet Child O' Mine," Guns 'N Roses
4. "Smells Like Teen Spirit," Nirvana
5. "Peace Frog," The Doors

Unleash your inner guitar hero - create your own PaloozaHead.


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine